Talking to your kids?

[LindaS 316]

I have four kids, and they are older, but I am still wondering what to say to them about my surgery: before/after/during. For the most part, they haven't asked a lot.

I have 3 girls ages 17, 15 and 14 and a 12 year old boy. They are all in the healthy weight range.

My 15 year old was with me during the initial seminar and my doctor's appointment and endoscopy, so she knows the most. The 14 year old has been at camp this last week and has some questions and concerns. I think she is a bit worried about me having a surgery. The other two haven't talked about it very much, but I expect more questions.

So far, the talking has been about what I will eat and family meals -- will they need to eat like I do, for instance.

Today, my 14-year-old was telling me that hospital food is bad, and she'd bring me some McDonald's when I was in there for my surgery. I had to explain that I couldn't eat McDonald's because my stomach would be healing. I didn't talk long term about no McDonald's. I figured baby steps for that discussion.

Any advice from those that are doing this and/or have been there? Thanks!

[LVikingFan 14]

I have four kids, and they are older, but I am still wondering what to say to them about my surgery: before/after/during. For the most part, they haven't asked a lot.

I have 3 girls ages 17, 15 and 14 and a 12 year old boy. They are all in the healthy weight range.

My 15 year old was with me during the initial seminar and my doctor's appointment and endoscopy, so she knows the most. The 14 year old has been at camp this last week and has some questions and concerns. I think she is a bit worried about me having a surgery. The other two haven't talked about it very much, but I expect more questions.

So far, the talking has been about what I will eat and family meals -- will they need to eat like I do, for instance.

Today, my 14-year-old was telling me that hospital food is bad, and she'd bring me some McDonald's when I was in there for my surgery. I had to explain that I couldn't eat McDonald's because my stomach would be healing. I didn't talk long term about no McDonald's. I figured baby steps for that discussion.

Any advice from those that are doing this and/or have been there? Thanks!

I have a four year old granddaughter who is with us 4 days a week. My wife explained the whole procedure to her, how the doctor was going to do an operation to make Grandpa get skinny. The night before the surgery she told me, no more popsicles Yampa. You are going to get skinny so we can play soccer. She visited me in the hospital and the IV and monitors seemed to scare her a little bit, she wouldn't come and sit on the bed with me. My biggest problem is my wife, she has been losing weight steadily over the past year by diet and it down 75 pounds, but is afraid to eat in front of me. Now our kids are afraid she is going to become anorexic!

[Brian66 85]

Linda:

I was very apprehensive about telling my kids. First of all, they are younger - 15, 10 and 9 at the time of my surgery last year. Second, they lost their mom (my wife) to cancer four years ago, so I was very concerned about causing them undue anxiety. Getting myself healthy for my kids was one of my prime motivations for having this surgery

I told my oldest first and she was very supportive. When I told the little ones, they were fine with it and they actually asked very few questions. Even to this day, I don't think they completely understand the mechanics of what I had done. I didn't let them come to the hospital to see me after the surgery and, for us, that was the right decision. They spent too much time in the hospital when my wife was dying -- I didn't want to bring back those memories for them.

The bottom line, I think, is that kids are most concerned about how the changes you experience will effect them. For the most part, my kids' lives have not been changed by the surgery. They eat what they always ate. When I couldn't eat with them, I always made an effort to at least sit with them while they ate. They still tease me about how little I eat now compared to what I used to eat. The one really positive thing is they have noticed that I am happier since losing the weight -- they tell me that "Skinny Daddy" is a lot less grumpy than "Fat Daddy."

Be honest with them and you'll do fine.

All the best to you.

Brian

[PeteO 3]

I have 4 boys ... a 6yo, a 4yo, and 2yo identical twins.

They aren't really worried about the surgery. I have had a couple surgeries in the past few years. We told them that daddy is having surgery to help him lose weight and be more healthy so that I can go on bike rides with them and get down on the floor and play with them.

It didn't hurt that I also told them that I was taking them to Disney World next summer after I had my surgery and lose a bunch of weight. This has actually been a good thing, because they are already holding me accountable. My 6yo and 4yo are constantly watching what I eat. If I take a bite of a non-Protein item before my Protein is gone, they are quick to point it out.

It is pretty funny.

Honesty is the best policy. Don't try to sugar coat it or hide it from them, they can sense it and it makes things worse.

-Pete

[Marie from Michigan 11]

I have four kids, and they are older, but I am still wondering what to say to them about my surgery: before/after/during. For the most part, they haven't asked a lot.

I have 3 girls ages 17, 15 and 14 and a 12 year old boy. They are all in the healthy weight range.

My 15 year old was with me during the initial seminar and my doctor's appointment and endoscopy, so she knows the most. The 14 year old has been at camp this last week and has some questions and concerns. I think she is a bit worried about me having a surgery. The other two haven't talked about it very much, but I expect more questions.

So far, the talking has been about what I will eat and family meals -- will they need to eat like I do, for instance.

Today, my 14-year-old was telling me that hospital food is bad, and she'd bring me some McDonald's when I was in there for my surgery. I had to explain that I couldn't eat McDonald's because my stomach would be healing. I didn't talk long term about no McDonald's. I figured baby steps for that discussion.

Any advice from those that are doing this and/or have been there? Thanks!

Don't be too quick to count out McDonalds! My kids LOVE McDonalds and usually order the apples and milk with their happy meals so nutritionally it isn't that bad. We still go about once a month and I just eat the hamburger patty/ketchup/pickle/cheese/onion from a small cheeseburger. I have also done the McDonalds Breakfast ordering an egg mcmuffin and just eating the egg/ham/cheese. We typically pick Wendy's for fast food as I LOVE their chili. I order a small chili and I can nearly finish it all at 14 weeks post op. At first I could only eat about 1/2 of it.

I spent years "dieting" where certain foods were off limits for me. When I went for my first surgeon's appt I ask him if there were certain foods I couldn't eat. He said he couldn't tell me that up front but that there might be some foods that my stomach won't tolerate after surgery . He said most people after surgery can eat any foods, just in very small quanities. So far that has been pretty true for me. I have completely lost my appetite for fried foods. They just look nasty to me. chicken breast, a dieter's staple, seems too dry and dense. I order a lot of broiled fish in restaurants.

I eat very few carbs, but have tried a "bite" of a number of foods including birthday cake and fudge. The birthday cake was fine, the fudge not so good. I won't try that again. But I love that I can try anything I want.

I lost over 50 pounds before my kids, ages 6 and 9, seemed to notice. I think they thought that I would be skinny as soon as I got home from the hospital and were disappointed!

All the best on your journey!

Marie

[Shoppingbeemom 31]

Hi, Im a Mom of 6, ages 23g,19b,10g,4b and twin girls that are 3. I have always found it best to tell the children the truth. I have even shown them a cartoon version of the surgery. If you show fear or have fear,they will be fearful ( after all, if an old person who has the sixth sense to know when they are getting into something is afraid, maybe there is a reason to be afraid). I have been telling them daily of the things I am excited about. I think they will be happy when it's over so I won't speak of it anymore lol.

[peppercma 12]

My girls are 8 & 4. My surgery is this Friday in Mexico. My husband and I told them that I was going to have an operation to make my stomach smaller so that I couldn't eat as much food and it would help me to get skinny. Also, that once I was skinnier I'd feel more like going outside to play with them & even jump on the trampoline. The 4 yo had no questions or anything, just "OK". The 8yo was excited that I'd be willing & able to play with her more. She did say that she thought I'd be ugly if I was skinny b/c she thinks I'm pretty now. Isn't that the best thing ever!!

It's probably easier to tell the younger ones b/c they don't really understand what it means to have surgery and the risks involved. Just put a good spin on it and they're happy. I think that for the older ones like you have just be honest and open with them and let them know that you're willing to answer any questions they have.

[longer-life 139]

My child was adopted (she is soon to be 9) and what I learned was not to wait for their questions, but rather bring up the topic at different times very casually. This will avoid their minds going wild with their fantasy thoughts and all will seem "normal".

In our case, I know going into details about stomach cutting will make her scared and she will tell the whole school! So I will probably tell her a few days before surgery and not focus on what the surgeon will do, but on my hopes of being healthier (not skinnier).

You know your children and what they can handle. They will be fine. :-)

[LindaS 316]

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate all of the feedback.