Spouse or Sig other

[Glendaaus 20]

This was a great and interesting topic. It is so good when we can speak our feelings. In saying that - speaking our feelings and LIVING OUR TRUTH is so different.

I have been through so much in my life with my relationships. When I was a teenager I allowed myself to abused by men (including constant ridicule by my own brothers) until at 19 I met someone who seem a good pliable subject. In my young brain I thought I could make him be what I wanted. What a got was jealous, pot smoking, socially retarded - tightass. Lucky Glenda - had two beautiful children - stayed for 17 years - while being told everyday - YOUR FAT AND UGLY - noone else would want you. But he was obsessed with me and when I would loose any weight - he would bring me food (probably the only time he spent a few bucks on me) and would say "please don't be skinny - you will leave me". I ate, drank and smoked everything in site to deal with my pain.

When I left I was 305lb - but someone else loved me - my first husband was so wrong - my now husband has loved me during my journey with my lapband - my excesses - my heartache with the death of one of my children - being 305 and all the way down to 199 - and back up again - the roller coaster of a fat chick. He has loved me - every single bit of me - he says "i'm juicy" haha - and he supports no matter what I do - even my upcoming revision - he really just wants whatever I want.

My husband was a rock singer for 20 years and is pretty sexy still at 49 - he has a little belly - but is lean - and to be honest - the only fat man I ever loved was my dad - I like lean men (regardless of my lumps and bumps) - but whatever I get into - if I start walking - if I start a new way of eating - he is right there. He always says - we are in this together. I love him to pieces and moved from Sydney Australia to Canada to be with him - our sex life is a blast and our commitment is the same.

I deserve this - but I feel for those of you that are going through a hard time in your marriage. Have been there - and come out on the other side - I can fully sympathize - I know the agony BUT I also know the rewards of living your truth.

Glenda xx

[Kimberlina 18]

I personally, even at 270lbs, never found heavy/obese men attractive and didn't date heavy guys. I liked built, big framed men, but overall height/weight proportionate. Then I went off and married a man with a 16-17% body fat, 6ft tall, and whole whopping 165lbs. He met, fell in love and married me at 270lbs so I weighed 100lbs more than him. Luckily, he's been supportive even with the loss of my curves, boobs, and everything physically he knew of me when we met.

Wow, thank you so much for sharing this! i am pre-surgery (waiting for a date) and am in this exact situation. My boyfriend is not EXTREMELY fit but he is definately smaller than I am, and I sometimes worry that he won't look at me the same after I lose the weight.

Your words give me encouragement and make me realize that it IS possible for someone to be so in love with you that they will stick by your side through "Thick and thin". Thank you for your words.

[scared of you 0]

Hello All

i am actually a member of this forum in good standing and felt it neccesary to sign in under an alias to be completely honest. I met my fiancee when we were both VERY overweight, and thru the years we both packed on the pounds. When I decided enough was enough and started to investigate WLS i tried to bring her along on every step of the journey. She kept saying she would do it without "cheating". So here I was after surgery and down 115 pounds with a normal BMI for the first time in my life. And if I can be self serving for a moment, I was a lot more attractive than I ever thought I was. Of course her "not cheating" diet lasted all of three weeks and she went back to her old ways. So i tried to struggle through it, cause I love her right? Wrong! i started to resent everything about her. Coming back from the gym to watch her stuff carvel ice cream cakes in her mouth. Trying to be intimate and not being able to stomach the smell from her girly bits. I was begging her to make some changes with me, you dont wanna get the surgery than fine, but come to the gym with me. make better food choices. I was actually seeing an analyst because I felt so guilty about being so unattracted to her now. It took me time to realize that though I loved her when I was fat, I am a different person now and we are no longer compatible. So I ended it. She hates my guts and thinks that im a shallow ******* now. But I just couldn't pretend anymore. OK LADIES, LET ME HAVE IT!

[Glendaaus 20]

Well like I posted before - we have to live our truths - and this is what you did.

In trying to keep everyone else happy we often waste alot of time and compromise on something that just doesn't work. I feel sorry for her - but if you communicated that you wanted her to participate in a lifestyle change and she wasn't interested - there is nothing you can really do.

Loving someone and being IN love are two different things. After 12 years with my new husband I am still IN love and we make all our decisions together - including how we live. In saying that - the recent decision to do this revision surgery was mine alone - he still thinks I am beautiful no matter what - but he is paying for the surgery and supporting me - and said last night - that he wanted to loose his little pot belly and would be able to do it - if I wasn't cooking all the good food.

Good luck to you, don't make the ex's life a misery or rub it in - just make sure you really know what you doing the next time around - and love someone for the person they are - with the thoughts that things do change.

Glenda

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

Hello All

i am actually a member of this forum in good standing and felt it neccesary to sign in under an alias to be completely honest. I met my fiancee when we were both VERY overweight, and thru the years we both packed on the pounds. When I decided enough was enough and started to investigate WLS i tried to bring her along on every step of the journey. She kept saying she would do it without "cheating". So here I was after surgery and down 115 pounds with a normal BMI for the first time in my life. And if I can be self serving for a moment, I was a lot more attractive than I ever thought I was. Of course her "not cheating" diet lasted all of three weeks and she went back to her old ways. So i tried to struggle through it, cause I love her right? Wrong! i started to resent everything about her. Coming back from the gym to watch her stuff carvel ice cream cakes in her mouth. Trying to be intimate and not being able to stomach the smell from her girly bits. I was begging her to make some changes with me, you dont wanna get the surgery than fine, but come to the gym with me. make better food choices. I was actually seeing an analyst because I felt so guilty about being so unattracted to her now. It took me time to realize that though I loved her when I was fat, I am a different person now and we are no longer compatible. So I ended it. She hates my guts and thinks that im a shallow ******* now. But I just couldn't pretend anymore. OK LADIES, LET ME HAVE IT!

I personally don't think you did anything wrong. YOU have to be attracted to the person laying next to you for it to work, plain and simple. Your criteria has now changed since you have changed on who you feel attracted to. It's better to be real about it now, than to go through with the whole Marriage shabang and realize once you've already committed that you changed your mind.

She may feel that way about you, but that's her cross to bear. Find someone suitable for you, she wasn't the one.

I'm just really lucky in that my Husband has always been fitness minded. He's overweight but a solid and strong overweight. My feelings for him have only gotten stronger as he became my biggest supporter and is always game for eating whatever I can concoct and all my experiments. He's a good sport and always knows what to say to make me feel better when I'm having a down day. He does like his sugar though!! But he knows when to put them down when he's putting on some weight.

You now need to find the "one" who meets your needs as much as you meet hers.

Wishing you well!

[Heatherr 149]

Hello All

i am actually a member of this forum in good standing and felt it neccesary to sign in under an alias to be completely honest. I met my fiancee when we were both VERY overweight, and thru the years we both packed on the pounds. When I decided enough was enough and started to investigate WLS i tried to bring her along on every step of the journey. She kept saying she would do it without "cheating". So here I was after surgery and down 115 pounds with a normal BMI for the first time in my life. And if I can be self serving for a moment, I was a lot more attractive than I ever thought I was. Of course her "not cheating" diet lasted all of three weeks and she went back to her old ways. So i tried to struggle through it, cause I love her right? Wrong! i started to resent everything about her. Coming back from the gym to watch her stuff carvel ice cream cakes in her mouth. Trying to be intimate and not being able to stomach the smell from her girly bits. I was begging her to make some changes with me, you dont wanna get the surgery than fine, but come to the gym with me. make better food choices. I was actually seeing an analyst because I felt so guilty about being so unattracted to her now. It took me time to realize that though I loved her when I was fat, I am a different person now and we are no longer compatible. So I ended it. She hates my guts and thinks that im a shallow ******* now. But I just couldn't pretend anymore. OK LADIES, LET ME HAVE IT!

Why? Honesty is always best. You were far more kind in ending it than stringing her along for years while you both were miserable. Whether it was about the weight or lifestyle change, you were no longer compatible. <shrug>

[smkeller 3]

But I just couldn't pretend anymore. OK LADIES, LET ME HAVE IT!...

Hey, the boat sailed. She wasn't on it.

[myrori 55]

I think woman are MUCH more emotional and committed to the vows we made. ( well most woman are). Men in general ,, in general guys! are more physical. I too have to admit I am turned off by his SMELL, by his size, by his grunting and moaning just walking, however with that said I keep thinking about the for better or worse words in my vows and the fact I have one failed marriage. NO I am NOT happy, we have not had sex in months because I am both disgusted and afraid he would have have a heart attack and there I would be stuck there not able to lift him off me. (makes me sick). Don't be fooled, I have often, almost daily have visions of going to live with my daughter and my grand babies and being the full time grandma I desire so. However I then again come back to the fact I made a commitment, I took vows. Yes I know this is winding down do no good.

These are things that hold me here, commitment, my Mother in her late years, comfort to my situation. When one of 3 are gone I will go to live the life of a traveling Army family to be a full time Grand Mom. I will miss my in law family, they are great people who have been super supportive. And Yes TIFF,, I am in a 100/0 relationship!

For 2 weeks he has claimed to be eating better, but I don't believe him when he is not with me. You should have heard him giving me a guilt trip for wanting to cook last night when he wanted to go out to eat. He claimed he wanted to spend time with me and it was some how more special, I screamed at him we can spend special time any where, what was special to him was the fact it was food out of the house, some where any where in his mind!

Then tonight I had to tell him I had a bug and was nauseous THREE times before I started yelling at him I was NOT going out, I took the day off work feeling sick! Then he says to me, what do you want to take out of the freezer for dinner tomorrow! I SCREAMED once again at him " I FEEL SICK< I want to BARF and you want to know WHAT IS FOR dinner TOMORROW?????" Yeah, I have a real problem on my hands here!

[sasicas 194]

My husband is not overweight, however I find myself watching what he eats far more carefully than I did before. His addiction to soda drives me batty. I rarely see him drink anything other than a soda. He eats way more than he should then complains that he is gaining weight. Duh. If you live on HUGE portions and tons of sugar from soda you are just asking to gain weight and become diabetic. He thinks there is nothing wrong with it and doesn't understand my concern. My concern is for his health though, not so much his weight, with the way he acted towards me when I was fat has made me vow to not treat him the same, even if he continues to gain weight.

As I have lost weight I have found myself more annoyed with how he has changed towards me. Part of me is glad he pays so much more attention to me but the other part of me is mad because he pushed me away when I was fat. He would make me feel like I was too disgusting for him, it wasn't said verbally but the way he acted made it obvious. He wouldn't hold my hand, hug or kiss me around anyone else, well he really wouldn't do any of that in private either. He broke me and made me feel useless and not worthy of him by his actions, like he couldn't love me the way he promised because I wasn't the skinny girl he wanted. Now that he is all over me it upsets me that he would change so drastically towards me. He is all of a sudden protective, he wants people to know I am his wife, he doesn't keep me hidden anymore. If I get any attention from someone else he is right there to make sure they know I am with him. It just hurts.

[SleeveGirl-TX 183]

Wow. I'm not being judgmental although I fear this might come off that way, but I think I must have the best husband in the world. He's not overweight. He's never made me feel anything less than loved and beautiful and desirable. He's either been faking it for 18 years or he really just loves me for who I am.

I will admit that I worry about how things will change as I lose weight and if it's going to be weird. I've been overweight since I was in Kindergarten, so he's obviously only known me fat. We've talked about it and if things get wonky, I have no problem pulling his butt into my therapist's office to talk about it. Honestly, he's been amazing throughout this whole thing, he does all of the cooking and he's been very good about making sure I have food and when we go out, choosing somewhere I can find something, etc, etc.

Having said THAT, I can see how things could change if we were both overweight and how your view on your body, their body, your health and their health changes. It has to be hard, for everyone involved. Virtual hugs to those that need them. I guess we all have to live our lives and do the best we can to be happy.

[Shea 13]

Hello All

i am actually a member of this forum in good standing and felt it neccesary to sign in under an alias to be completely honest. I met my fiancee when we were both VERY overweight, and thru the years we both packed on the pounds. When I decided enough was enough and started to investigate WLS i tried to bring her along on every step of the journey. She kept saying she would do it without "cheating". So here I was after surgery and down 115 pounds with a normal BMI for the first time in my life. And if I can be self serving for a moment, I was a lot more attractive than I ever thought I was. Of course her "not cheating" diet lasted all of three weeks and she went back to her old ways. So i tried to struggle through it, cause I love her right? Wrong! i started to resent everything about her. Coming back from the gym to watch her stuff carvel ice cream cakes in her mouth. Trying to be intimate and not being able to stomach the smell from her girly bits. I was begging her to make some changes with me, you dont wanna get the surgery than fine, but come to the gym with me. make better food choices. I was actually seeing an analyst because I felt so guilty about being so unattracted to her now. It took me time to realize that though I loved her when I was fat, I am a different person now and we are no longer compatible. So I ended it. She hates my guts and thinks that im a shallow ******* now. But I just couldn't pretend anymore. OK LADIES, LET ME HAVE IT!

I'm not going to let you have it. Frankly I agree with you. I dont have the sleeve yet, but still I believe in being clean and feminine. To me there's a difference in being overweight and sloppy, and being over weight and clean, confident, and cute. I wouldnt be attracted to someone who didn't care about themselves either. I understand she has an issue with eating, but sometimes we dont listen to the signs from our loved ones. You gave her signs that you wanted her to get healthy, you wanted her to care about herself more. She didnt listen and gave excuses to why she didnt want to help herself, or tried and couldnt keep it going. The truth of the matter is, until we are tired of our ways we wont do anything about it. When someone doesnt have it in their minds to change all their efforts are just temporary fixes to a permanant problem. The only thing you can change is you, and your choice was not to continue to live with that type of person. You werent married, there was no vows, so you made the right decision for you. Personally before I went to college and graduated, I settled for less than I deserved because I felt I didnt have the right to desire something I didnt have myself, but once I finished school, got a career, cleared my credit, bought a home, and started doing better for myself, I desired a man with education, a decent job, and aspirations as well. I dont want somone who has no goals or ambitions because soon our differences will come between us; unless he allows me to help him come up to a better level. If people are set to stay where they are and never strive for more then the only thing we can do is change us, and say I'm sorry but I have to go. This is just my opinion but I dont think what you did was wrong. You can't make a person change, they have to change themselves otherwise their change wont last.