Spouse or Sig other

[Rev Me Up! 75]

Thanks for the honest reply. You said your new paramour has bad eating habits. If the day comes when he is no longer active and packs on the pounds do you still see yourself being attracted to him physically not emotionally?

I would still love him, but I don't really know the answer to whether or not I would be attracted to him, because it isn't a reality right now. I do prefer a younger, athletic, small build (under 5'10") type of guy and he fits that to a T. But, just because I prefer young guys doesn't mean I will break up with him or lose interest because he gets older. Same goes for the weight. I prefer the athletic physique, but it is very likely that his activity will diminish over time. I think I can roll with it.

If he got really overweight, I think I would be most worried about his mental state - it would be the same as if he suddenly started smoking or drinking heavily or doing drugs. If he started eating without controlling it and gives up on the fitness routine that he loves so much, I would wonder what else is going on in his life to make him act that way. I would want to get to the root of his problem (depression?) and work that out.

Also, since I have battled weight, I think I would be very sympathetic. He also walked with me through the sleeve journey and he knows I wouldn't be judgmental about taking serious steps to fix the problem.

Interesting question and discussion!

[Just-A-Gem 86]

My husband is amazing. He has a little bit of padding around the middle, but he's not obese or even fat. The extra weight probably has more to do with my cooking than his natural tendencies. LOL. Anyway. Even as a thinner girl (years ago, lol) I've always been a "friends first" kind of girl and I was friends with all shapes, colors, and sizes. I've dated them all. My husband has a history with smaller (petite, thin, pretty) women, but he was my best friend and fell in love with me for me, I guess. I am married to my best friend and no weight will ever change that.

[MeMeMEEE 206]

My husband is a little over weight, his BMI is 35 but I LOVE that he isn't skinny. When I was skinny before I loved feeling petite next to him, not just in height (a foot difference). I got to an 8-10 before and I was still considered overweight but it was a good weight for me. I hope that is where the sleeve takes me. I've thought about this alot, I don't think I could be with a guy who likes me skinny and not fat too. After all, my weight is part of me, it has shaped me and my life. I have never cared for vain people so I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with one.

[Wheetsin 714]

This is an interesting topic, I"ve seen it come up a few times in a few places and it's always intruguing and interesting.

I don't have a heavy spouse.

On men I prefer what I call a "football player" build. Not fat, not skinny, not particularly muscular but solid. I like tall guys with broad shoulders.

I was not fat when I met my husband. I gained weight after we got married. I always felt like I robbed my husband of the person he married, in a way. I completely understood (even though he was never the one saying it, I was) that I simply was not the person he signed up to be with. I believe there are a couple of angles from which you can love someone, and two pretty big ones were completely changed (physical me, emotional me). You simply don't get to be as fat as I was and not be depressed, or have some degree of social anxiety, or other emotional disturbances. You just don't.

DH was not fat when we met, and still isn't, but has gained some weight. He is about 6'5 and about 250. He wears his weight in the middle, and has lean/skinny legs. He wears a 42 pant, and when we met he wore a 36. He has probably gained about 40 lbs. I used to stand in his 36 pants, with them hanging off me, joking about how big they were. Then I gained about 200 lbs and could barely buy clothes in the fat stores. Atmy highest a 3X might fit, but probably wouldn't. I could wear most size 30/32 clothes.

My husband is one of the guys who truly does not like skinny women. He calls them "spiders" and thinks it's very unattractive. At the same time, he isn't particulary attracted to fat women. We've been married a long time, and I was really fat for a long time, so this is getting kinda sketchy but I'm going to guess he's the most "into" me around size 12/14. I'm a hair taller than 5'10 and at least before I became a stretched out wreck I looked fine at size 12. I looked fine at 14, and seem to remember feeling chubby around 16, but was still able to catch some eyes at 18 (but felt fat). When I had my lapband he was (jokingly) worried I would get too skinny. Not "get skinny and leave me" but "get skinny and have bones sticking out everywhere like a porcupine."

So...

Were I to meet my husband for the first time today, and he was obese, would I be attracted to him? No. If I talked to him I may get to a point of attraction, but that initial yes/no reaction would be no. His height would be my only "wish list" feature (I also like dark hair - he's blond, dark eyes - his are steel blue, etc.) I would probably see him and appreciate his height, and that's about it. . He knows hte types of guys I'm physically attracted to, and knows he's not really it just as I can pick out a woman he is attracted to, and know that I look nothing like her.

[wishes 125]

Nah, I would not leave my boyfriend just because I lost weight. I chose him because he has all the qualities that make him a wonderful boyfriend. He loves me for me, even when I don't, and he supports me decision to get healthier and slimmer. He is slightly overweight by about 25 lbs, but that has no effect on his attractiveness in my eyes. I only worry about him gaining more weight because he already has high blood pressure and cholesterol. I am hoping when we move in together we can start a new chapter for both of us and get healthier.

[abby 0]

i definitely noticed some changes in my relationship with x-bf

we just broke up 2 weeks ago ..

i met him at my heaviest and he made it clear he liked me for my curves

ive always been attracted to tiny/skinny guys, i cannot imagine myself with a guy taller or thicker than me

but all in all, the last thing on my mind comes how heavy or fit is the guy when am dating him ,, it's my type of personality

i just shy away from how his body look

[kellyw74 258]

My husband is not HEAVY, but bigger. He is 6 ft 1 and weighs about 230. I like bigger built guys and not scrauny men.

When I met my husband 20 years ago, I was 17 and was about 180lbs. Not fat, but def not skinny!! Pretty much just on the little bit of chunky side. Over the years, I soared all the way up to 280!! WOW!!

My husband always loved me for me, not my weight and never said a word about how fat I was, I was always the one unhappy with my weight. He always told me and still does how beautiful I am everyday!

Now that I have lost about 90lbs, he hates it!! He tells me everyday when he hugs me how skinny I am and that if he wanted a skinny girl, he would have married a telephone pole!! Kidding of course, but he likes bigger women! Our marrige is fine and we are not having problems, but he would rather me be be heavy!! He knows I am much healthier and that makes him happy, but really prefers me heftier!!

Neither one of us is going anywhere. We love each other and how much I weigh will not change that. I have lost and regained 100's of lbs over the years and we still keep on being married!! LOL

Kelly

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

I recently asked my husband "how come we never argue like those people?" pointing over to a couple we were nearby and they were really going at it big time. He replied "because neither of us ever do anything wrong to each other."

So true.

Moral of the story is, as long as your foundation is strong, your relationship will make it. Through thick or thin.

[MissJo88 2]

It's interesting, because my current "whatever-he-is" was a football player, but since coming home from college, while he still EATS like a football player, he doesn't work out like one. Even before the sleeve, I had healthy eating habits, and exercised regularly. He sleeps through his gym alarm every morning, and I hear him order his food after work at Jack in the Box: "Two extreme sausage sandwiches, 4 tacos, jalapeno poppers, and fries." Really, AND FRIES???

He has gained a lot of weight, which really doesn't bother me. I just get so frustrated, because he is so concerned with it, but he doesn't ACT like he cares. He is the only person I have EVER met who orders carne asada nachos with EXTRA meat, and EXTRA cheese. I can't even get him to touch veggies, and when he does, he makes a big production of it, like I'm forcing him.

Do I feel disgusted? Maybe. But moreso, it's hard for me with this new lifestyle to imagine us going much further. Being supportive because he is excited I'll be thinner is one thing...but what about being supportive because he sees the difference good choices can make, surgery or not? It's not that I'm not attracted to him, so much as I just am frustrated with his lack of motivation, although he harps about how much the weight gain bothers him.

Now I've babbled. But I feel better!

[Julie76 251]

I have been dating my bf for about 7 months now. He is a wonderful man. The greatest! He came into this relationship knowing I was going to, one day, have this surgery. He is ok with it but doesn't want me to lose my hips and ta ta's.

I was up front with him and told him it is a very real possibility that they would disappear. I don't know if they will because even at 115lbs I had a DD, but you never know. Anyway..... It makes me wonder if he will be there when I'm 130-125. He assures me he will be no matter what because he loves me. That makes me feel ALOT better.

I guess if you communicate your feeling and have an understanding and a strong foundation like LilMissDiva said... You will make it though anything.

[myrori 55]

I have been wanting to vent on this very subject for a long time! I was worried I would come across wrong or just a b***h. My husband is well over 400 pounds and at it is disabling to him. Now I must say even before the surgery I was getting embarrassed by his size, but now I not only embarrassed and refuse to even walk close to him in public, but I am disgusted! I can't stand how much he eats in front of me and I know he is pigging out in secret. I can't stand his smell, his moaning because his knees hurt, his inability to walk to up the stairs without sounding like he just ran 5 miles, his psoriasis that is clearly affected by what he eats. I have even stopped keeping my clothes in or sleeping in our bedroom because it smells like him. He refused so see how pathetic his situation is. A few years ago he lost his job and laid in bed for a year, I moved out because I could not stand it. He refused to admit that if his Mother was not best friends with the wife of the president of his current employer he would not have a job period, The whole time I was checking in the hospital for my surgery, I kept thinking that everyone must be thinking why is she getting this surgery and not him. I was actually surprised that someone did not say something to him in some round about way. Kids point at him and make comments in public and yet he shovels in more food despite the kid who just said "Mommy" look at that fat man!" I realize it is easier for me being on the other side now to be critical of his food choices, but yes in all honesty losing the weight has made it so I see him in a very negative light now and I do not know what the future holds. I walk the fine line of trying to get him to have the surgery and not nagging him every day. At some point I think It will boil down to what I can accept any more and perhaps leaving him.

[MissJo88 2]

Myrori,

I can only speak for myself, but I relate to what you're saying! And it doesn't make you a b word....you're genuinely concerned for him. Sean pisses me off, but not because I think he's gross....just because I hate to see him be SO unhappy, and yet SO much more incapable of doing something about it. I think that's where love gets tricky. Here you are making these huge moves in your weight loss journey, and every time you turn around, you're looking at a reminder of what life could have been. Maybe even what it used to be. Hopefully it won't come to the relationship ending. Keep your head up!!

[CT Fats 82]

Myrori

Thanks for being so honest. I dont think that it makes you a B that you feel this way. By your description it seem like it would be hard to cope for anyone. And seeing someone who has no desire to help themselves is even more stressful.

[MegInNOLA 531]

This topic has been a fascinating read. Thanks to everyone who posted.

My DH is a sleever, a year ahead of me. When he made he decision to have the surgery, I supported him outwardly, but inwardly I worried that he would get thin and not find me attractive any more. It never occurred to me that I would find HIM more attractive after the surgery, which I do--even though I fell in love and married him at around 300 pounds (he's just a really great guy!). The "hotness factor" really racheted up as his health issues, including severe diabetes, disappeared with the excess weight. He made it clear to me that he loved me, not despite my size, but as I was, although he wanted me to be healthy and was worried that I would develop health issues soon.

So when I made the decision to be sleeved, he was super supportive, not because he didn't like how I looked, but because he wanted us both to be around for a long time together. I was worried that I would lose parts of my figure that he enjoys, but I always had a very curvy figure even as a thin 20-year-old, and I suspect the girls will likely be around for a while, even if smaller. Upshot is that we are both enjoying having "new and improved" spouses, our relationship is stronger than ever, and we say every day how fortunate we feel to have found each other and a tool that will hopefully let us have many more years together.

I grew up with a father who weighed more than 500 pounds at his heaviest, and I was horribly ashamed to be seen with him in public. He ate like I've never seen, mindlessly, continuously, and would become violently angry when anyone (usually my mom) made a gentle suggestion that perhaps he might be more careful with what he ate. He actually eventually had weight loss surgery, but he tried every way possible to "eat around" the band. Looking back, I realize that he never really made the commitment to improving his health and tried every trick to circumvent it. He died at age 56 of a heart attack--NOT the end I want for myself. So part of my decision-making process was based on the toll my father's weight took on him, on the family, and especially on my mom. I didn't want to be the fat wife of my healthy husband. More than that, I wanted to be alive and healthy in order to be able to spend as much time as possible with him. I had to get my head around the fact that I wanted to be here long-term, and then I could make plans for how to assist that. I'm sending positive vibes to those of you dealing with difficult situations and hope that things work out.

[Dawn 16]

My husband LOVES my WL and it drives him crazy all the time because he finds me that much more sexy then before! Now me towards him is different. I married his as a "bigger" guy but not a BIG guy! He is 6'3" and weighed about 250 when we married and his lowest since then was 230 and that range I like him at, his biggest was 360 and he is still at about 330. I am not physcially attracted to him at this weight but I love him just the same as the day I married him because of WHO he is! I do want him to lose the weight because I am so concerned about his health. He was on his way to having the sleeve (in the hospital for surgery) and he decided not to do it. I still to this day don't fully understand his decision but it is his to make! I LOVE my sleeve and am SO happy I did it! He is working at losing weight through diet and soon to be exercise. He has severe injurys to his knees so he can't walk but super slow and surely can't run! The best exercise for him is swimming so we are going to figure out our schedules and get him to a pool NEXT week so he can start losing this weight!