Unsupportive mother :(

[VSG4aHealthierMe 6]

I have only told 2 people other than my hubby (of course). The main reason I told these people about my plans is I will need someone to watch my boys when the time comes and I didn't want to throw this on them last minute. I told my sister in law and my mother (my mother told my grandmother, so technically 3 ppl other than hubby). My SIL has had some questions, mostly concerning the fact that I will be doing it in Mexico (she was afraid they would have dirt floors or something ) but once I explained it all (and assured her they had real floors) she has been supportive since. My grandmother hasn't weighed in one way or the other, but my mother is trying to talk me out of it. She seemed like she was going to be supportive at first but today at physical therapy (she had open heart surgery recently) she talked to a nurse who had nothing good to say about WLS and said she should "try to talk me out of it" (my moms words). Now my mom is not being supportive at all. I finally settled on Dr. Aceves and I was telling her about all the things I have read about him, about how everyone every where sings his praises and how I haven't really fond anything negative about him. I even mentioned what I read on here about him teaching American doctors how to do the surgery, and about him being accredited by american organizations. I thought doing so would ease her mind but she seems more unsupportive of the surgery in general not just about going to Mexico. I have given her all the information I have to give. I am going to need her help and support to get through this and if she doesn't come back around.... I don't know what I will do. I tried to explain it in a way I thought she would understand. She has diabetes, heart disease, high BP, sleep apnea, etc. I have borderline cholesterol and BP, the heavier I get the worse and more frequently I get palpitations and there is a possibility I may have sleep apnea but I have never been tested but I have alot of the symptoms. My father also has diabetes, high BP and sleep apnea. I explained that I am trying to prevent all the things she has gone through BEFORE they become very real and present dangers. I explained that I have done alot of research and feel that WLS is my way out of the life she has had to live. I reminded her of all the diets and pills and overkill workouts I have done only to lose a few pounds then turn around and gain it all back then some. She asked me why not try WW and I said "Why? It will only delay the inevitable! People lose weight from WW, yes, but you constantly hear about people who gained every bit of it back. Why put myself through the hell of yet another failed attempt then end up getting the surgery anyway?" None of the above made her anymore supportive She knows me! She KNOWS I don't dive into things head first without looking first. She KNOWS I do my homework on any big decision. Why can't she just trust that, trust ME, instead of some random nurse she came across. Because she is a nurse? HELLO!!?? Nursing student here!!!

What can I do to bring her around? If I can't bring her around how do I deal with the fact that one of the most important people in my life is against this?

[kellyw74 258]

You have to keep in mind that you have to do what is best for you and this surgery is NOT for anyone else but YOU!!

I told nobody but my husband and I am glad I didn't!! Still haven't at 10 weeks out!

Do what is best for you and nobody else!

Kelly

[VSG4aHealthierMe 6]

I haven't changed my mind. Even my mother told the nurse, when she told her to try to change my mind, that she couldn't. I am quite bull headed. If I was not I may not be with DH right now because she freaked out when I decided to move with him as opposed to attempting a long-distance relationship, and it turned out to be one of the best decision I ever made. So, once I make up my mind for sure about something nothing will sway me. BUT I want her support and I NEED her help watching my boys for this to happen That's why it is so upsetting to me. I would love to be able to find a way to bring her around. It just upsets me that she trusts a stranger over her daughter

[Deakay 15]

Stand firm and give her some time to come to terms with it. You know she only wants good things for you but it may take her a while, and then tell her you've done your homework, you are having the surgery, and you need her support. If that doesn't sway her, give her the same argument you just posted here.......tell her to trust you and to support your decision. I'm sure she is scared for you, but would she refuse to watch your children while you go down for the surgery if she doesn't agree with it?

[Guest Rosalind]

Wow! I really feel bad for you! I really understand. My mom would say the same thing if i told her!!! You got it. This is the reason that I have told noone but my husband and my doctors, I had breast reduction in 1988 and it was the biggest mess you would ever see. Why? Because of my mom! She had our pastor talk to me about MY BREAST! What did he possibly have to do with that??? If you have made peace with your decision, don't discuss it. It is a shame that we not only have to deal with our weight but with ignorant people too.

[VSG4aHealthierMe 6]

Thanks ladies for the replies. I don't know if she would refuse or not, depends on how against it she is.

Can you ladies help me out? I just got off the phone with her and I told her I would send her some info if that would make her feel more comfortable. I have been researching the various procedures nearly non-stop for days. I am working on gathering up some of the sites I found but as many as I have seen it could take DAYS to find them all. Can you ladies help me out by linking me to some of the sites you know about that show the risks and benefits (statistics would be great), long term outlook, etc. of the surgery? It would be a huge help! Even if I can't get her to come around maybe if she understands it better she will be able to at least be less scared for me, even if she can't accept it.

[Wheetsin 714]

I think she's probably scared, and probably envious. I know this is me and not you, but here is what I went through.

When I told me mother I was seriously considering getting my lap-band her first reaction was, "You don't want to just try another diet?" After she chewed it over for a bit, her second response was, "If you lose a bunch of weight I'm going to be really jealous." Then she proceeded to basically criticize all of my failed diet attempts and tell me, "I don't understand what's wrong with you. You have accomplished everything you have exer really applied yourself to, except your weight."

Now my mom is normally very supportive. She's the, "I may disagree, but I will support you as a disgaree" type. She always has the best intentions, but typically has the worst execution. She told my father she thought I was making a mistake. I asked him what he thought and he said, "I think it might be what you need." He got in trouble for telling me that (in front of her) because she didn't think he should be encouraging me. She seemed to be trying to sabotage me for a while -- buying me ice cream or candy, cooking high fat meals... but who knows, it may have just been an over sensitivity on my behalf.

About 2.5 years after I had my surgery, she tells me that she wants to have it done too. She tells me, "Since you've done so good, I figure I can too." This whole concept of -- ridicule me, but let me be your guinea pig and when you're envious of my results, decide it's suddenly an OK thing... and I told her that I resented her being so completely unsupportive of me, but then deciding it's OK for her.... and she apologized and said she was just terrified that something would go wrong. And jealous, which I think is to be expected whether she's my mom or not. Apparently she knew someone who had one of the earlier gastric bands; the ones that weren't adjustable, and that person got down to a near skeletal weight because of an erosion and failure to follow-up with her doctor.

So anyway, that long story really to explain my rationale for asking the following...

You didn't come out and say she was overweight (that I saw, anyway) but it is implied. Is she? You mention comorbidities she has and those tend to be found in obese people. Her reaction may be a bit of the green-eyed monster. Moms aren't above envy, they're still human.

Is this perhaps your mom's response to her fear that something bad will happen to you?

Is your mom associating your would-be procedure with any other events she's experienced or been exposed to? (e.g. did she have a bad surgery, did someone she know have a bad weightloss surgery experience...)

Now for what you can do...

Have you tried appealing to her logical side? If she is overweight, why hasn't she "Just tried WW"? And if she has tried it, why is she still overweight? What would losing the weight permanently mean to her, or be worth to her? Ask her why she is so against it. Ask her to be informed before jumping to a conclusion.

Do you think it's the procedure, or "the procedure in Mexico?" A lot of people hear "Mexico" and think of Independence Ave Tijuana. They don't realize Mexico is a largely beautiful (and clean) country. My surgeries have been US, but I've heard so may times, "If I can't drink the Water there, why would I have surgery there?"

(Sory this is so verbose, I have a bad habit of "typing out loud"...hopefully my points/questions are not too deeply buried...)

[Just-A-Gem 86]

My mom is the exact same way. It's totally depressing because I would say that she is truly my best friend and this is something so important to me. She's seen me lose 90 lbs and gain it all back in half the time it took me to lose it and still she says I should do it the "natural way".

I have news for you, Mom, it doesn't work!!

I have sent all the research I can her way but she still says all kinds of negative things about it whenever it's brought up which has caused me just not to talk about it around her and that kills me because I am thinking about it 95% of my time these days. Ugh. I wish I could give you a solution or find one myself. She says things like, "you know you still have to change your lifestyle", etc, but it a seriously negative, faithless way. I hate it.

I really hope that our mom's come around soon, or hopefully when the results start showing. She is obese too (but probably only a 30 or 31 BMI) and unlike me, she has comorbidities like hypertension. I don't want type II diabetes or hypertension. I want to put an end to the cycle. If I drill that into her enough, I hope she comes around.

[Becca 108]

My family was very scared about me having sleeve surgery. The best thing to do is to not discuss it with your mom and give her some time. When you do have the surgery and start losing weight, she will see what a great thing the sleeve is. Everyone that was negative about my surgery at first, is now very supportive (including my mom). This is for YOU! You can't let people control what is best for you and your children. I had my band in Mexico and I had a great experience. I would have returned for my revision, but my insurance started covering WLS. You will do great. Keep strong and know that this is your journey. Don't let anyone stop your dreams from happening. Life is too short!

[Guest Rosalind]

Honestly! I don't think you should ponder anything. This is your time. If your mom wants her time, she can get her own consultation. Don't let this be about anything but you.

Fortunately, I have remained healthy with no comorbities through 3 pregnancies. The weight is now taking a toll on my joints because of the line of work I am in. I figured with my great cholesterol, and normal blood sugar, good blood pressure......Why keep trying God? My father died from heart failure which was caused by diabetes. By the time he was my age, he had diabetes 10 years! This is about me now...........Running for my own life! I don't care what anyone thinks........if I have to take a cab home!

[VSG4aHealthierMe 6]

I think she's probably scared, and probably envious. I know this is me and not you, but here is what I went through.

When I told me mother I was seriously considering getting my lap-band her first reaction was, "You don't want to just try another diet?" After she chewed it over for a bit, her second response was, "If you lose a bunch of weight I'm going to be really jealous." Then she proceeded to basically criticize all of my failed diet attempts and tell me, "I don't understand what's wrong with you. You have accomplished everything you have exer really applied yourself to, except your weight."

Now my mom is normally very supportive. She's the, "I may disagree, but I will support you as a disgaree" type. She always has the best intentions, but typically has the worst execution. She told my father she thought I was making a mistake. I asked him what he thought and he said, "I think it might be what you need." He got in trouble for telling me that (in front of her) because she didn't think he should be encouraging me. She seemed to be trying to sabotage me for a while -- buying me ice cream or candy, cooking high fat meals... but who knows, it may have just been an over sensitivity on my behalf.

About 2.5 years after I had my surgery, she tells me that she wants to have it done too. She tells me, "Since you've done so good, I figure I can too." This whole concept of -- ridicule me, but let me be your guinea pig and when you're envious of my results, decide it's suddenly an OK thing... and I told her that I resented her being so completely unsupportive of me, but then deciding it's OK for her.... and she apologized and said she was just terrified that something would go wrong. And jealous, which I think is to be expected whether she's my mom or not. Apparently she knew someone who had one of the earlier gastric bands; the ones that weren't adjustable, and that person got down to a near skeletal weight because of an erosion and failure to follow-up with her doctor.

So anyway, that long story really to explain my rationale for asking the following...

You didn't come out and say she was overweight (that I saw, anyway) but it is implied. Is she? You mention comorbidities she has and those tend to be found in obese people. Her reaction may be a bit of the green-eyed monster. Moms aren't above envy, they're still human.

Is this perhaps your mom's response to her fear that something bad will happen to you?

Is your mom associating your would-be procedure with any other events she's experienced or been exposed to? (e.g. did she have a bad surgery, did someone she know have a bad weightloss surgery experience...)

Now for what you can do...

Have you tried appealing to her logical side? If she is overweight, why hasn't she "Just tried WW"? And if she has tried it, why is she still overweight? What would losing the weight permanently mean to her, or be worth to her? Ask her why she is so against it. Ask her to be informed before jumping to a conclusion.

Do you think it's the procedure, or "the procedure in Mexico?" A lot of people hear "Mexico" and think of Independence Ave Tijuana. They don't realize Mexico is a largely beautiful (and clean) country. My surgeries have been US, but I've heard so may times, "If I can't drink the Water there, why would I have surgery there?"

(Sory this is so verbose, I have a bad habit of "typing out loud"...hopefully my points/questions are not too deeply buried...)

She is technically over weight but is at the lowest weight now I have ever known her to be. She is roughly about 100 smaller than me. I pick on her all the time (we do that around her, no hard feelings attached) that she is so "mean" all the weight she is losing I am finding lol. She is happy with where she is. She is like me, don't need to be a skinny minny to be happy with what you see in the mirror. Where she is weight wise is my goal.

Me: Her:

No contest really, and as far as the rest I don't know. As far as her trying WW, her problem all along was a bad relationship and insulin shots. Once those 2 things disappeared so did her weight. So she doesn't get it. She says Portion Control is the key, but I have tried that, even practically starved myself in the past and had no long term results.

[Texasmom65 23]

Kristie,

Why not take her to one of the FREE seminars in your area. I know you don't plan on having your surgery there, but they won't know that. She will see first hand what a doctor has to say about it. Heck even go to a few different places to seminars. She is just scared for you and wants to understand it.

Although my Mom was supportive, I could tell she was scared for me. But when I told her I took pictures with me to show her and info for her to read. She also got on the internet herself and looked at the info.

Good Luck. I know how important it is to have your Mom on your side. It just makes things better.

[Missnurse 9]

I am very sorry to hear about your unsupportive mother. Tell her that is only one opinion of one nurse. I am a Nurse and have worked with recovering patients after they come out of bariatric surgery. I am over weight and finally decided that is what I want to do and now I can't get it done fast enough. I have seen some not so good outcomes but really I have only seen those with the lap bands. The sleeve is an amazing procedure and I think that it is the best option.

You have to do what's best for you and I know it's sad to not have your mother who is supportive. I am just like you that I don't dive right into things and I do my research. Heck, I was seeing WLS patients daily and I was not convinced it was the right thing to do. ONLY and only when I heard about the VSG was I sold.

You are doing a wonderful thing for yourself and hopefully she will come around.

Good luck!!

[VSG4aHealthierMe 6]

Kristie,

Why not take her to one of the FREE seminars in your area. I know you don't plan on having your surgery there, but they won't know that. She will see first hand what a doctor has to say about it. Heck even go to a few different places to seminars. She is just scared for you and wants to understand it.

Although my Mom was supportive, I could tell she was scared for me. But when I told her I took pictures with me to show her and info for her to read. She also got on the internet herself and looked at the info.

Good Luck. I know how important it is to have your Mom on your side. It just makes things better.

Because there aren't any any closer than 1 hour away and she won't leave town unless she has to. She HATES road trips, but I can't blame he, so do I.

[RSREED53 4]

I will only say that mothers always worry about their babies no matter what!! Mom was afraid for me to have WLS both times--I considered both surgeries lifesaving. The first surgery was gastric bypass 10 yrs ago that began failing me about 5 years ago. It took all this time to get OKd for revision to sleeve. I just think you need to be headstrong in doing surgery for YOU and YOUR HEALTH. Then once you have surgery, education about your new lifestyle, nutritional needs, etc. is in order--be the proof in the pudding for them and their doubts. If they see your efforts openly, my guess is they will be grumbling under their breath, "Why didn't I believe her???" Fear and doubt does strange things to people--typically those we are closest to--namely, our moms!! Good luck with everything, and I will be praying for good things happening with your surgery and your family. :DRonda