Divorce?

[JulyBandster 1]

My husband walked out 3 weeks ago with no warning. Well, I guess I'd have to say I had no idea, but there might have been warning signs. He said he is no longer in love with me and wants another chance since we are both 40......I turn 40 on Monday, actually.........anyway, I am devastated. I am seeing a marriage counselor to help me through this, but can't stop crying......I am not going out because it is so hard to say to people what has happened. My husband was a popular guy that others always ask about. I can't seem to say "He's moved out" or something to that effect without starting to cry. I am in such shock.

If you have been through this, how did you make it through? I guess we're lucky not to have children, but we've been together for 20 years. This is just so awful. We have a family cruise to Hawaii in a month, and he is not going. I will. But it will be difficult to be alone. When does it get easier?

Thanks,

Amy

[Randi 0]

July, turn up your speakers -- LOUD:

http://www.hit-country-music-lyrics.com/George-Strait-She-Let-Herself-Go-Lyrics.html

My husband walked out 3 weeks ago with no warning. Well, I guess I'd have to say I had no idea, but there might have been warning signs. He said he is no longer in love with me and wants another chance since we are both 40......I turn 40 on Monday, actually.........anyway, I am devastated. I am seeing a marriage counselor to help me through this, but can't stop crying......I am not going out because it is so hard to say to people what has happened. My husband was a popular guy that others always ask about. I can't seem to say "He's moved out" or something to that effect without starting to cry. I am in such shock.

If you have been through this, how did you make it through? I guess we're lucky not to have children, but we've been together for 20 years. This is just so awful. We have a family cruise to Hawaii in a month, and he is not going. I will. But it will be difficult to be alone. When does it get easier?

Thanks,

Amy

[JulyBandster 1]

That was a cute song - I enjoyed it! Thanks for sending the link. I'll have to remember those words, eh?

[Elisabethsew 50]

Hi Amy,

I am so sorry that you're going through this but it's good you're seeing someone to help you through it. I think you will find that your friends and family are very supportive if you allow them to be.

Many years ago, I was engaged to a man I thought I would be with forever and he decided a few weeks before the wedding that "this was not for him." Like you, I was devastated but, after a few weeks of mourning, I decided to move on. I truly believe now that not marrying him was the best thing that ever happened to me.

While it's hard to look forward when the pain is so new, you'll slowly begin to see there a whole world out there for you to explore. Stay strong because better days ARE coming.

[Randi 0]

When you take the time to think about it, he's been holding up your life while making decisions about his. And more than likely, cheating you out of the love you deserve by lavishing it on someone else. Don't believe for one minute that his decision to leave and start over was made without careful thought and planning. However much he weighed is the weight and the burden that has been lifted from your life. Read the tag line below name. I believe it. I've lived it. I know it. God doesn't make mistakes. His leaving is the BEST thing that ever happended to you. You just haven't realized it yet, but you will. Now, wipe your tears and let yourself go . . .

That was a cute song - I enjoyed it! Thanks for sending the link. I'll have to remember those words, eh?

[nightingale2u 42]

Oh Wow Amy... I am so sorry this has happened to you! I think 20 years of life together certainly warrants a more respectful and caring goodbye but I'm sure it would be devastating in any form. I'm so glad you are seeing a counselor and I hope you will lean on friends and family while going through this. I pray that you will find the strength you need to get through this so that you can move forward and find the wonderful things that I know life has in store.

THe best advice I can give after going through an unexpected separation and divorce is to stay busy... get out... take a class... go to the park... meet up with friends... invite one of them to take that trip with you... take long walks... get your hair done... go shopping... stay busy.

(((Hugs)))

[Busy 0]

Amy, was married to the father of my children for 13 years till one day he informed me that he had never really loved me. It hurt, I cried and hurt for my children. I went to counseling alone because he refused to attend with me. Through all that I discovered it was his loss and he was not worthy of my time or my attention. That was almost 17 years ago and I am now married to a man that makes me laugh and picks flowers out of the yard, (yes, they are dandelions) for me. The Lord has a way of making you appreciate the gifts he will send you. Be the best you can be and wait for that gift that God has reserved just for you.

[siestaqh 0]

Amy,

Like others who have responded, I am here to add my voice to tell you that you WILL survive this! My ex decided to "trade me in" for something younger/cuter/thinner after 23+ years...

Truth be told, our marriage was cold for many years, but I had resigned myself to staying because I didn't have any "justification" for leaving it. It was incredibly painful at first, and keeping busy certainly helped. It was very hard on my already-poor self concept to have been "dumped". Being a decade older than you are now, I assumed that my chances of having a mate in my life were slim to none...

Over time I realized that one of the reasons for my poor self-image and depression was because of the coldness and demeaning behavior I had lived with. Another issue was that I had the burden of a full-time, demanding job AND all of the responsibility for the house, our business, etc. He got to go to his job and play "soldier" or "jock" with his buddies on weekends and then bless me with his presence in front of the TV when he did come home. Certainly he did contribute financially, but he spent as much and more, so debt was always a problem that I couldn't get on top of because he would undermine any effort to get it under control.

After a period of mourning, I suddenly realized that an enormous weight had been lifted. I can now make my own decisions, decide my own priorities and control my own environment (NO football/baseball/basketball for years now!). Because I no longer had to deal with HIS wants, I dug out of my debt hole and live very comfortably now. As the song says, I "...let myself go..." to new places, new people and new priorities. Ironically, I came to accept myself at my heavier weight, but when I learned about the Lapband, I got it done for myself and the promise of improved quality of life rather than to please others. I have a "significant other" in my life now, but I doubt that I will remarry because I LIKE being able to control my own destiny.

My purpose in relating my own experience is to let you know that there is life after leaving a long relationship, and at this point you have NO idea what wonderful things are ahead of you. It will take work and a conscious effort on your part to seize the opportunities that lie ahead, but they will definitely be there. This is your time to look at the rest of your life and define it for yourself--something you probably wouldn't be able to do in the context of a relationship. For one thing, losing weight will be easier when you only have to cook for yourself and can ban all of the unhealthy foods (chips, bread, potatoes, etc.) from the house without having someone else whining about it!

Take care,

Penny Steward

[Kat817 19]

Amy, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. There are no words, I can come up with to make it instantly better, or believe me I would. I have been divorced...it was devastating, it hurt for the actual loss of the marriage, but also the loss of the dream of what I had thought marriage would be. My divorce was a first for our family...

My Grandma used to tell me that in order to make anything change you had to change something. She told me this as I complained of issues around my own divorce. But slowly I began to understand. So I started changing small things. Things as simple at the time, as changing where I ate fast food. We always did BK together, so I wouldn't go there, I went elsewhere. We always bought groceries at a certain place, or had the car serviced at a certain place, I changed that. Our Christmas tree had always had the same color coordinated decorations...I did it MY way...in my places. It was a conscious decision, to CHANGE things, no matter how small. I slept on PINK sheets, he hated pink! I searched for ways to make my life happy. I took some non credit community courses at the college, I made an effort to visit friends and family. Not go to dinner, or anything other than to just spend time visiting with them. I kept busy. It was hard at first finding things to do, but they are out there. One of the first things I got involved in was with a group who were working to save and restore an older park in our town. I met a lot of people, and count many of them as friends to this day.

A good friend who had been divorced herself told me "the best revenge you can get is to have a good, happy life, without him." She was so right. I no longer feel a need for revenge, or to "show" him, but can't help but be pleased with myself when I compare the lives we now have. He went for many years with the new, young, thin wife, bigger house, kids....but now, he is divorced yet again,living with a fellow alcoholic, and has nothing to call his own....he lives in her small trailer, drives her car, is just somewhat pathetic. I know all of this because the fellow alcholic he lives with was one of my best friends for years until her drinking was just too much for me. I look back and feel lucky that I was given a chance to have a better life, and I took that chance. I hope you do too. Give yourself time to grieve, but keep in mind, that someone who would do this to you, is not someone you really want to spend the rest of your life with. You deserve better, and you will find it. Work your band, and work your life to suit YOU....you will survive and be a better person than you could have ever been with him dragging you down.

Good Luck, and don't forget when you need to cry, whine, moan or just plain bi#$h about life, we are here, and will offer any support we can!

Kat

[sunsett 2]

I'm sorry sorry for your pain.

You are just begining your life at 40. Try to pull the thorn of pain out and enjoy your new body and life. I'm sure that is easier said than done....(((Hugs)))

[those_eyes2004 1]

Hi Amy...There is nothing that I can say that would make the pain go away fast enough, but do know that with each passing day it does get better...I am living proof of that myself...4 months after having my surgery, my husband of 12 years informed me that he had been cheating on me the last 9 years of our marriage...Talk about living in a bubble and having it busted in the blink of an eye...That's basically what happened to me...I went to therapy (Best money I ever spent) and thru that made the decision that I had done everything I could to try to make the marriage work...Now I know that when I'm looking back 10 years from now I don't regret not trying...I am happy to say that after MANY nights and days of crying and feeling sorry for myself I went out and realized that my LIFE began the day he told me what he had done...A weight had been lifted...I always felt he had been cheating but could never bring myself to admit it...Now I am re-married to a WONDERFUL man that I met online...He never lets a day go by that he doesn't tell me how important I am to him...So please know that there is a wonderful life in store for you...I promise!!!! Huge Hugs

[Marlluvia 1]

Amy,

I am really sorry to hear about your marriage, but life will go on. My husband walked out on me and my two kids about four years ago, and I remember thinking it was the end of my life. I cried day and night for a whole month, until I realized it was time to stop mourning and move on with my life. The road of life is a hard and long, but we learn valuable lessons along the way that makes us stronger and wiser. Allow yourself to go out with friends, family, etc. It is best to occupy your time with productive thoughts and think about making the best of your future life. Wishing you the very best.

[mousecrazy 2]

Amy,

Happy Birthday! What better time to start on the new you?

God loves you, and has the best in mind for you. When I am feeling down or scared, one thing that always helps me is to find someone to help. Perform an act of "random kindness."

Also, don't accept any shame for his flakey "oops, do-over" behavior toward your marriage. Tell everyone, get it out there, and start accepting the help that true friends have to offer. You're gonna need them. The ones that are more interested in him, can go see him...you'll be left with the good ones anyway!

Prayers for your smooth transition, and acceptance of your new life!

Hugs, Cindy

[moon goddess 0]

Hello Amy!

Wow, we have a LOT in common! We are almost the exact same age, I turned 39 yesterday, and at the same stage in our lives. I just went through a divorce myself, after being married for 12 years, and together for 15. It's VERY hard, and it does hurt! I ended up moving from Dallas because everything around where we lived reminded me of him, and just started a new life here in Austin! I am so glad that I did. While moving probably isn't an option for everyone, I think that making positive changes can be a very good thing when going through this. For one, I decided that I was going to get rid of everything that I had been carting around because HE liked it in the house (like his beer can crap), and bought all kinds of girly things that reflected ME, I decorated my bedroom with soft colors, a romantic kind of theme with flowers and candles, and pretty pictures. It has been a transition that has been good because what this has forced me to do, is to finally look at my happiness for a change and to love myself!

So...today is your birthday...start today by doing something for YOU. A pedicure, a bubble bath, or a new hair color. Love yourself, and don't let this ruin your self esteem! Surround yourself with supportive people who love you, and slowly, with time, I promise you that the hurt will get better! It will probably turn into anger...that is how I feel toward *him* right now...but time really does heal, and you will understand why this happened years from now, when you see that you are better off without him, and when someone wonderful loves you the way you deserve to be loved!

*hugs hugs hugs*

Michelle in Austin

[jenny 1]

hi amy i feel so bad for you same happened to me after 30 years you will experance many emotions let them come it takes everyone a differant time to get over it, i never thought i would now i am so contented i left my mum at 17 to marry my hubby so all my life i have had to think of others before me now i can come and go as i want and answer to no one, but i still feel a sadness sometimes as all i ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother BUT you do learn to adapt, and don't let things build up inside you a really good friend is heaven sent oxox