My boyfriend is a sleever, and I want to be supportive

[Dawnie 1]

Hello all,

I recently moved in with my on-again-off-again-but-now-on-again boyfriend. I've known him all my life, but we recently got close about three years ago. When he first mentioned the surgery I was supremely hesitant, only because I was worried about the surgery as well as the possible change to himself as a person. He had made his final decision about it, without really telling me, and while I agree it is his decision, I felt very left out.

His surgery was June 17, and since he's been back I've been doing my best to help him as much as I can, but unfortunately it's not enough. He's said that me just supporting him isn't enough, that I have to actually be ok with what has happened and he feels like he can't tell me anything anymore. I don't think I've cried so hard in my life. I love him with everything I am, and I want to be a better girlfriend so that he will talk to me about this again.

So, if anyone has any ideas or thoughts on what I can do, or if there is something you wish your significant other would do for you, please let me know!!!!

Thank you

[JourneyOfAFatKid 6]

Personally I love the fact that my husband is just there to listen to me complain.. but it would really help me if he would diet with me. Having a bunch of junk in the house that he can still eat and doesnt hesitate eating in front of me would help me a lot. It would mean that he is willing to put himself in my shoes. It wouldnt kill him to lose a little weight and be healthy either. But the fact that he is willing to get healthy with me will help us grow together as a couple and that is one more thing that we will have in common. AND THINK OF THE MONEY WE WILL SAVE ON FOOD! lol

[wishes 125]

I don't really talk about my potential surgery much with my boyfriend, not because he isn't supportive, but because he really just doesn't understand what I am working towards. He hasn't been obese his entire life and eats whatever he wants.

But the one thing I love most about him is that he is there when I want to vent, he listens when I feel frustration over a stall, and he doesn't judge me. Lol, he even tries all my low carb recipes, even if they don't turn out fabulous like the quiche (I know he doesn't like eggs very much), or when the recipes turn out awesome like the pork rind fried chicken (Which he said was epic).

I definitely second Ktkx's comment, dieting together really does help put you in the other's person's shoes, but that might not be for you. Maybe just exercising together or learning a little about his lifestyle will help. Good luck!

[curveball21 0]

So, if anyone has any ideas or thoughts on what I can do, or if there is something you wish your significant other would do for you, please let me know!!!!

Thank you

Hi Dawnie,

I don't want you to take this the wrong way because you clearly care about your boyfriend and want him to be able to be intimate with you not only physically but with thoughts and feelings as well. As a man, I can guess that his hangup might be about your weight or if you are physically fit possibly your ability to eat and keep things around the house that might cause him to be a recidivist. The problem is, once we have made the decision, there is no going back and we don't want to hear about problems or concerns other people have for us (especially from mothers, wives and girlfriends who complained about us being fat before) and we don't want to be with another person who is going to make it easy for us to get fat again.

Therefore if you are overweight and love your boyfriend and want to have a future with him, it's time to get in shape yourself, otherwise the relationship will end with a bang or a whimper sometime in the next couple of years. He's just going to convince himself that he needs someone that isn't going to lead him back to where he was, because he needs to be healthy to live. If you are in shape and he is physically attracted to you (initiates sex, compliments your appearance without you fishing for it) then what you need to do is buck up, apologize to him for anything you said or did that caused him to feel you weren't supportive and know that you will love, support him and do whatever it takes in the future to help him on his journey. What you have done is somehow hurt his feelings and that's the best way to get it back on track and discuss these things with him, even if you have no idea what you did that caused this problem. Even better if you can do it with a clear-eyed discussion and avoid getting emotional.

I hope this helps you and good luck!

[SG-Hubby 0]

Hiya Dawnie,

My wife had VSG surgery right after your boyfriend. (Shout out the sleevegirl-tx!)

While my experience is pretty short with this, I like to think I've been supportive our whole relationship. While you and I can probably never understand the whole thought and decision making process, we can do our best. Then we are supportive and understanding.

Did he share links with information with you about the surgery? If so, did you read up on it? When sleevegirl-tx first told me what she wanted to do, I was hesitant just like you. But then I thought of all the diets and exercise she'd tried over the years, and I realized that this wasn't an "easy way out", this was a serious, life changing tool of "last resort". While the ultimate decision was up to her, I like to think that by reading up on the technique and understanding the process that I was an overall part of that decision. When we found out our insurance wouldn't cover the procedure, I didn't think twice about saying yes to taking out a loan so we could get the procedure done.

After her surgery I took ownership of most of the "after surgery" documents (she was too up on her meds to make heads or tails of them) and I helped make sure she got what she needed, when she needed it. (I also cleared up some misunderstandings for her that could have been trouble if someone with a clear head hadn't read them.)

So I guess the biggest thing is that even though I can never really understand what she is going through, I understand the process. Not only do I support her decision, but I also support her in the daily details of that decision.

Of course, some days are better than others. I feel guilty when the kids and I eat pizza and she has Soup. However this is something we talked about before the surgery. Changes in diet aren't only occuring for her, but for the family as well, but the rest of us are easing into (in hindsight, we should have started long ago, but post surgery the whole family kinda went restaurant crazy). The truth of the matter is, I've already noticed changes in my eating habits that have been inspired completely by sleevegirl-tx.

All-in-all, the decision to get the vsg could not have been an easy one for your boyfriend. Just like entering into a committed relationship is never easy for anyone. I think that he is looking for understanding and acceptance along with the support. Without those, he may continue to feel that just your support isn't enough.

I wish I had some links to share with you about vsg, unfortunately I lost all my links right before sleevegirl-tx's surgery. But there are a ton of informational links on this site and, as always, there is the all knowing Google.

Good luck to you and your boyfriend!

SG-Hubby

Hello all,

I recently moved in with my on-again-off-again-but-now-on-again boyfriend. I've known him all my life, but we recently got close about three years ago. When he first mentioned the surgery I was supremely hesitant, only because I was worried about the surgery as well as the possible change to himself as a person. He had made his final decision about it, without really telling me, and while I agree it is his decision, I felt very left out.

His surgery was June 17, and since he's been back I've been doing my best to help him as much as I can, but unfortunately it's not enough. He's said that me just supporting him isn't enough, that I have to actually be ok with what has happened and he feels like he can't tell me anything anymore. I don't think I've cried so hard in my life. I love him with everything I am, and I want to be a better girlfriend so that he will talk to me about this again.

So, if anyone has any ideas or thoughts on what I can do, or if there is something you wish your significant other would do for you, please let me know!!!!

Thank you