Spouse not supportive?

[charmon5206 0]

I am working with the hospital and my insurance to have the sleeve done. I think it may be one more month. My husband is against it completely. First of all he thinks it is "cheating", and secondly, he reminds me of how I have failed at everything else I have ever tried so how could I possibly succeed with this? He has never been overweight so I feel like he just doesnt understand. I gained 90 lbs with my daughter and was 210 when I got pregnant. She is now 3 1/2 and I still have this weight on me. Has anyone else ever went through this with a spouse or significant other? I need some advise please...

[JourneyOfAFatKid 6]

At first my husband wasnt supportive. If you can, educate him. He thought that it was cheating until I got him to go with me to a free seminar that my hospital hosts and he heard the surgeon there talking about how obesity is a disease and all of the facts that went with it. Now he supports me 100% and if he has any questions he has a way to ask. He is probably more afraid that something could happen to you than he just doesnt want you to do it. Keep on him! Make him listen!

[charmon5206 0]

At first my husband wasnt supportive. If you can, educate him. He thought that it was cheating until I got him to go with me to a free seminar that my hospital hosts and he heard the surgeon there talking about how obesity is a disease and all of the facts that went with it. Now he supports me 100% and if he has any questions he has a way to ask. He is probably more afraid that something could happen to you than he just doesnt want you to do it. Keep on him! Make him listen!

Thanks. The next seminar is July 12th and he has to take this big test for school so he cant come with me. I was thinking of asking him to go online and do some research. I told him this morning that i need his support and do listen to his opinion but that this was ultimately my decision... I learned that was the wrong thing to say. That just made things worse. I will see if I can find an online seminar he could watch or something. I told him last night that I thought he needed to go online and educate himself... he didn't like that comment either. Thanks again for the response. He is the only thing holding me back, making me have second thoughts.

[SunnyinSD 0]

I am in the exact same boat as you. My husband is absolutely against surgery because he thinks that I don't have the willpower to follow through and I will regain the weight - and that it's not worth the risk. And while I agree that I need to have the willpower to stay with the diet and that there is a possibility that I could regain the weight, I don't think that I will fail.

I know how he feels, and that's OK. We are going to disagree on this - and my DH understands that, while I want his support, I will still have the surgery even if he doesn't like my decision. This surgery is for me and my health... not for him. And I don't need his approval to make a decision about my health. I also understand that the main reason he doesn't want the surgery is because he's afraid that I will die. That's really why he is so against the surgery. He has done his research, but he still doesn't like my decision. BUT just because he doesn't like it, doesn't mean that he doesn't love me, doesn't want me to lose weight and won't help out. He will, and I'm guessing that if your husband really loves you, he will support you even if he doesn't agree with you.

After all, my husband married me because I have my own thoughts and opinions and because I'm strong-minded - which means that we occasionally disagree (even on the big stuff like this). But we are still a team and he's going to love me no matter what. And I'm betting that your husband feels the same way about you.

[thinoneday 445]

I am working with the hospital and my insurance to have the sleeve done. I think it may be one more month. My husband is against it completely. First of all he thinks it is "cheating", and secondly, he reminds me of how I have failed at everything else I have ever tried so how could I possibly succeed with this? He has never been overweight so I feel like he just doesnt understand. I gained 90 lbs with my daughter and was 210 when I got pregnant. She is now 3 1/2 and I still have this weight on me. Has anyone else ever went through this with a spouse or significant other? I need some advise please...

Men are incredibly insecure about things. . he probably knows this will work for you and is trying to sabatoge it. He probably thinks once you loose the weight you are going to leave or something, they are nutty like that. . . hubbie was like that with me. . . wouldn't support me at all. . .but he got over it. . . just do what you do, leave it alone but let him know your' getting it done with or without his support but that you love him no matter what . . . it worked for my hubbie and now he loves the new me. . . good luck!

[davidb6070 1]

both my wife and i have had WLS. she had RNY and i had VSG. and during both surgery's there was a lot anxiety about one of us possibly not surviving the operation. that is a real possible outcome, but you just about as likely to die in a car accident. the thing that you must stress to him is if you don't start this journey you will die years earlier than you would if you do. obese people are dying younger and younger these days. it is just fine to be selfish but its not just for you. it for you, him, your children, and your future grandkids. Our life has changed for the better since having our surgery's and yours can too. if he continues to not want to support you, don't forget you have tens of thousands of us out here to help support you. but when its all said and done his mind will change when 5 or 6 months after surgery he puts his arms around you and kisses you, then he picks you up and carries you to the bedroom. i know i felt like a teenager again when i did that to my wife after her surgery and now we can do all the things we dreamed about because we a physically, mentally, and with the money we have saved on medications and grocery's, financially able to do them. it isn't the easy way out, trust me it's not easy, but it's the proven and safest way. if that doesn't work have him contact me and i will talk to him because i have been there and done that.

[anonynurse 13]

Try to see it from his side of things. You have probably tried, like all of us, a billion different things to lose weight and spent a ton of your collective money in the process and not been successful. This is the newest thing on the assembly line by his reckoning I would think......and not only is it expensive, it is risky and it will affect his life as well while you recover. He's been bruised by your obesity too, just like someone living with another individual with ANY disease is affected by it.

I would suggest you put the brakes on your rush to surgery. When is the NEXT seminar and can he make THAT date? Can you acknowledge his concerns, the expense, the sacrifice it will be to him as well as you and agree to delay going forward until he attends the seminar with you...and TELL him that so he knows you aren't just flying off half wild on the next new thing? I am probably in a minority here, but I do not think it is okay to put your foot down and lay out there that you are doing it with or without him with money from joint checking accounts. He should have the opportunity to get more information and the opportunity to have his say. And no, I don't think he should have to do the research on his own. This was not his idea.

I am not saying you should have his permission to go forward. But yeah. How would you react if he told you he was going to go buy a motorcycle with joint funds whether you like it or not? Or any other thing that you would view as a hairbrained, dangerous, expensive, selfish idea? He probably sees this as all those things. Go forward, but do it gently and give him time to catch up. And if he doesn't come around, start quietly putting whatever funds are your portion away in a separate account until you have enough to do it without taking anything away from joint property. At the very least, the extra time it takes will let him know you are serious, you aren't wanting to take anything away from him, that you have done your homework and that you are willing to do the HARD PARTS of this - including save up for it. That way, when you do go forward, he will have a fair amount of faith that you are prepared to be in it for the long haul.

Best of luck.

[charmon5206 0]

Try to see it from his side of things. You have probably tried, like all of us, a billion different things to lose weight and spent a ton of your collective money in the process and not been successful. This is the newest thing on the assembly line by his reckoning I would think......and not only is it expensive, it is risky and it will affect his life as well while you recover. He's been bruised by your obesity too, just like someone living with another individual with ANY disease is affected by it.

I would suggest you put the brakes on your rush to surgery. When is the NEXT seminar and can he make THAT date? Can you acknowledge his concerns, the expense, the sacrifice it will be to him as well as you and agree to delay going forward until he attends the seminar with you...and TELL him that so he knows you aren't just flying off half wild on the next new thing? I am probably in a minority here, but I do not think it is okay to put your foot down and lay out there that you are doing it with or without him with money from joint checking accounts. He should have the opportunity to get more information and the opportunity to have his say. And no, I don't think he should have to do the research on his own. This was not his idea.

I am not saying you should have his permission to go forward. But yeah. How would you react if he told you he was going to go buy a motorcycle with joint funds whether you like it or not? Or any other thing that you would view as a hairbrained, dangerous, expensive, selfish idea? He probably sees this as all those things. Go forward, but do it gently and give him time to catch up. And if he doesn't come around, start quietly putting whatever funds are your portion away in a separate account until you have enough to do it without taking anything away from joint property. At the very least, the extra time it takes will let him know you are serious, you aren't wanting to take anything away from him, that you have done your homework and that you are willing to do the HARD PARTS of this - including save up for it. That way, when you do go forward, he will have a fair amount of faith that you are prepared to be in it for the long haul.

Best of luck.

I understand where you are coming from and you make some good points. I started this whole process three months ago. I guess the main thing that frustrates me is he is not willing to listen or become educated. As of right now for this year my deductible has been met with my insurance company. That means less out of pocket expense. So I feel I should have it done this year if I am going to get it done. Thanks again for your advice

[KellyL 173]

Most everyone experiences resistance in the beginning if for no other reason and most importantly, out of fear of you dying during the surgery. They love us and don't want to lose us. And it sounds like your hubby doesn't understand that the willpower issue is exactly why you need the sleeve. You do still have to work at staying compliant with Protein and liquids, but the sleeve takes most of the extreme hunger, while helping you with Portion Control. I guess he's going to need time to accept what you're doing. I found the more confident I spoke about the sleeve, the more my family began to feel better about my decision. I had to sell the sleeve AND going to Mexico. But I did my research for a very long time.

I agree, I wouldn't ask him to research the sleeve, just learn as much as you can so if he begins asking questions you can easily answer him. Hopefully he'll come around, as the other poster said, you are doing it for him too. Good luck!

[Tipsynoodle 2]

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to be honest, if he is that dead set against it,( I def do not like the comment he made about u never succeeding at anything...hmmm prove it to him lol) i would just stop talking about it with him but still go through with the surgery on my own...I would just tell him that u have made ur decision and thats that........he is either with u or not..........It is all about you anyway, ur health and a better life.....as the surgery date gets closer, maybe he will come around.........don't let him pressure u in any way to cancel.........i think some men just like to have control over you/things and sometimes u just need to stand up for your self..........

sorry to be so blunt but i don't sugar coate anything.....

[NinaX 6]

Yep, my husband has never dealt with overweight and therefore does not understand the problems related to it. His comment when I said I was having surgery was "I don't understand the problem, you just have to eat less!" Yeah, stupid me - for not thinking about that solution earlier... :-S

Anyway, we went away for a weekend and I tried to explain the complex psycial and psochological issues behind being obese and even if I didn't get his support and fully understanding, I told him I was having the surgery for me, with or without his support. I told him that this was an investment I was about to make in myself, just as well as he might spend money on a new car or computer - this was my present to myself for my 40th birthday.

Today he is happy with the change I've made and can say that it seems like I picked a good surgeons office (based on the follow-up program) but I don't think he still fully understand WHY I had to do this.... :-)

[ITSMEMRSJ 3]

Hi,

Wow that really sucks that your husband it not supportive, and even rude to say that you "failed at everything else I have ever tried so how could I possibly succeed with this" that was hurtful. My husband is not 100% on board with me getting the sleeve either, but at the end of the day its MY decision and the benefits most certainly outweigh the risks. I would stick to your guns and yes try to include him in a seminar or whatever but really this procedure is going to improve your quality of life, so I would move forward no matter what he thinks. Take Care

[ccbcdeke 11]

I kind of view this the way Dave Ramsey talks about convincing your partner to get out of debt. He talks about you hearing this guy on the radio and maybe reading his book and then going to your spouse and "beating the over the head with Dave Ramsey" with the Dave says this and Dave says that. You have to educate them on the whole process and make sure they understand why you are doing this.

[LR6909 10]

My hubby said he will support me but said he didn't think I have given enough time to any diet or exercise to work. (Mind you for the last 8 years he has seen me lose a few and gain more over and over.) That surgery is so drastic, etc.

I think the main reason he is against it is because he is insecure and he weighs over 515+lbs. I initially told him we can do this together but he doesn't want any part of it. Others have talked to him and even his doctor. This guy my hubby knows has had the surgery and is down to about 225. He was amazed how good he looks. But, it caused the guy to deal with a lot of "personal issues", that I think my hubby doesn't want to face.

I have a good support system from my friends and this board. I encourage you to get your hubby educated even if it is with a brochure here and there or an email. My hubby doesn't like to read but maybe a youtube video from someone would help too. I decided I didn't want to live life anymore on the sidelines. I am tired of taking 4 blood pressure medicines everyday and plus, I am pre-diabetes. So, me having the surgery and being off of those meds, would save us at least 1000 a year.

The bottom line you have to be comfortable with your decision and the reasons for the surgery. If you stand strong, not waiver and please don't nag, I am sure he will come around at some point. :-)

[LisaM 3]

I have a skinny husband too who has been the same weight his whole life - makes me sick! My husband is probably thinking the same thing, but I know he likes me thin. I married him as a thin woman and stayed that way until we had kids. Everytime I've lost weight in the past, he is very supportive, once the weight is off. But, he has gotten very frustrated with me for trying every diet in the world, including an Optifast diet through Kaiser that I shelled out $4,000 for, only to gain the weight back again. I told him that I've done my research, that it is not the easy way out and I'm not expecting a magic bullet. But, I also told him that he should be happy that I won't be wasting any more money on diets that don't work and food.

I agree with a previous poster that a lot of men get insecure that their wives will all of a sudden start getting a lot of attention when they lose weight. They'd rather have them be fat, so they won't risk losing them (like that would even happen!)

It is not a selfish decision to want to be healthy and that's the way I'm looking at having this done. I have also explained to my husband that he doesn't understand what it's like to be fat, that he'll never understand the struggle we suffer with food. It's just another addiction. We're using WLS as a tool to help beat the vicious cycle.

Hang in there and keep us posted.