How supportive is/was your spouse

[KellyL 173]

Good subject!! I admit it bothered me a little at first, the liquid phase is hard by itself, but then watching others eat made it harder, so i would get busy to distract myself. Now, I look at it like this, there is constantly going to be food situations with people, I may as well get used to it at home with my family so it won't be as difficult when I am around others. This isn't temporary, it's a definite true lifestyle change. It just takes a while to adjust.

[anonynurse 13]

My hubby is very supportive and right after surgery he would ask if I minded if he ate in front of me. I thought this was very sweet but not necessary. I am the one with the weight issue, not him. I am the one who needed the surgery because I couldn't control my issue, not him. I don't want to be harsh here but I don't think it is right to make him suffer (his stomach is normal sized) with little or no eating in my presence just because I got sleeved. I encourage him to eat what ever he wants when I am around. We went to a great burger joint and he asked if it would bother me if he ate the burger in the car. I was very happy to have him do so as the smell was wonderful. I totally enjoyed the aroma and didn't feel I was being cheated at all.

I think that we as sleevers made this decision to have surgery for our health and well being. I do not think it is fair or right to put the weight of that onto our loved ones. Instead of focusing on what we cannot have (large amounts of tasty food) focus on what we can have like smaller waistlines, better health , less medications, more energy and longer, happier lives.

I apologize in advance if I am stepping on toes but I really feel it is unfair to our loved ones to make them feel bad for doing what they have always done. We are the ones who have changed and we did it on purpose.

Lovingly,

Laura

I agree with this 100%. It is not "unsupportive" for them to live as they have always lived. It is unsupportive/unfair for us to expect them to take on OUR issues and make them responsible somehow for our success. It is not only unfair to them but unfair to ourselves! The minute someone else's actions are given as a reason for our ability to be successful or not, we have taken away our own power and made ourselves a victim. It is a falsehood we have to learn to change our thinking on.

You can talk to him about it and ask him not to eat in the car or whatever, but it needs to be done from a standpoint of a request rather than an accusation. And if they can't/won't accomodate you, then you do the driving from now on and you get up and leave the room or even the house. Don't give your power away. Take charge of your own destiny.

[decamom 31]

"Is it possible that part of the reason this hurts you so much is because you otherwise don't feel very cherished and supported by your husband on your journey?"

I would like to add that I think this is a very important possibility. If you are feeling like your hubby is your adversary instead of the president of your fan club, then that could easily spill over into resentment due to his normal eating behavior. If that is the case, I am so sorry. Yet I hope you can find others who will cheer for you and encourage you in the way that you need it right now. This is a journey to be sure and while we have tons of love and encouragement from our fellow sleevers here...sometimes we have to reach deep down with in ourselves and pat ourselves on the back for the huge positive decision we have made for ourselves. At the end of the day, we are stronger because we have made this decision. We have taken our health, happiness and longevity into our own hands and made a positive step for our selves and our future.

All the best to us all!!

Laura

[Disney 20]

I am lucky to have great support from my whole family but the one thing I can say to you is, early out, (not sure how far out you are) it is VERY hard to smell those fast food or any other good food smells and not eat them. So, if you are very early out, I think it would not be out of the question to ask him to give you a break and not eat that stuff in front of you. Soon enough, you will be able to eat more and y'all can eat some of those good things together. It did not bother me that much, but the smells can sometimes overwhelm you. So, I see where you are coming from.

It might be helpful if you could cook something he likes and he might not eat the fast food so much.

Good luck. It is ROUGH in the beginning.

[sasicas 194]

My husband has been extremely supportive however I do not expect him to cater to my eating habits. The weight issue is mine, not his. If he wants to eat junk and he does, he is a grown man. Now the only time I stop him is if he is spending too much money, that is a family thing. Days after my surgery I knew he was tired of cooking for the family so I suggested we go pick up a pizza and we drove home with two large pizzas on my lap. Man it smelled great but I will not expect my family to eat the way I had/have to.

Now on the complaints over what you cook, well tell him to make his own food if he doesn't like it. My husband will eat what I make, sometimes he doesn't like it and we discuss afterwards what he thought of the meal (I'm constantly trying new meals out so some just don't taste good).

This surgery is about willpower. YOU have to make the decision on if you want to succeed and make this a life long commitment. You cannot expect him or anyone else to constantly walk on eggshells with their food choices.

[Chicadee 10]

I haven't read all of the posts in the thread but my opinion is right in line with sasicas. I could care less peronsally what my hubby is eating except when it comes to saving money. I have two teenagers and while we don't actively stock a ton of junk in the house there are things I shouldn't/wouldn't eat. I was never a big fast food person anyway my problem was portion sizes and now that isn't a problem anymore.

We share the cooking in my house and my husband has always eaten anything I have made for the family even if it wasn't his favorite dish. If he makes something for himself and the kids one night that doesn't sit right in my tummy or is something I shouldn't eat, I just make myself something else and it is no big deal.

My husband has been there for me 100% through this journey.

[meggiep 57]

My husband has been a total angel for me- every morning since I came home he appears in the room (Much earlier riser than me) with my first Protein drink of the day, an ice bucket with my first 32 ounce Water, and a hot Decaf tea. He takes such good care of me ! We walk together every day and I can say the surgery has brought us even closer and we were already very close.

He and my son offered from the start to eat away from me but I would rather be with them. As several have said- this is my choice, not theirs- they are both normal weight and I don't fell they should have to hide their normal eating for me- I enjoy their company very much and would rather they are with me when they eat. I am committed to this journey for myself and have their love and support and that is what counts. I am not hungry, and I really do not mind the smells. I almost substitute inhaling deeply for eating!

That said, I know that you Original Poster, from other posts of yours, are struggling with this journey, with temptation, with wavering- ad so I feel it is a different situation for you. I think you nee to ask your husband for his support until you can handle it and are no longer in jeopardy of sabotaging yourself. It is not so much to ask when you have made this huge step of amputating most of your stomach! If you can't ask him then perhaps a couples session with your therapist is in order. Marriage is a partnership and this is a critical time in your life- you need his support more than , perhaps, you ever have.

[Penpen 28]

My husband is extremely supportative now. My surgery is in 2 weeks. But I will tell you about a time in my past. Back in 2007-2008, I started eating really healthy and was on my way to losing a whopping 70 pounds...and I did! But my husband acted like he didn't even notice and him and the kids would eat all kinds of stuff in front of me without a care. When they'd fix big bowls of Blue Bell ice cream, I'd pull out my strawberries and whip cream. This didn't bother me so much but it hurt my feelings. It was as if he wanted to make sure I knew that he didn't notice me losing weight. I remember one time when they pulled out the ice cream, my step daughter (around 12-13 then) decided to have strawberries with me. My husband told her how proud he was of her for making that choice....here I'd been doing it for months...he said nothing of the sort to me. Talk about hurting my feelings.

I think back on that sometimes and I wonder why he was like that. I think that maybe never seeing me thin was scary for him. Maybe at the time it felt like a threat to him...so if he never commented on how good I was looking, how good my food choices were, or whatever...then maybe I'd still feel as if I were real fat. I don't really know why he was like that. But after I lost the weight and he saw that hey, I wasn't going anywhere and that I hadn't changed...except my weight, that everything was okay. He started complimenting me more and he was proud.

Of course, I gained all my weight back and more over the last couple of years! Ugh! This is why I am here!

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

My husband has been incredibly stand up for me in my journey, even going back before my lap band. I've struggled a lot and for many many years. He does eat whatever I prepare and has begun to really enjoy the healthier foods. Not that he ate really bad before but it is hard to get used to eating all meat and veggies all the time. We really don't eat a lot of carbs anymore, except for brown rice, sweet potatoes and multi grain this or that and not even every meal. It's usually only a few times per week.

It is really tough in the liquids stage so I understand your reasoning. I think if you asked your husband politely that during this most difficult time if he wouldn't mind being a little more sensitive to you. However you all have decide to compromise is up to you. And I do say compromise because for me it would seem unfair to force your habits on your husband or family. Perhaps he can at least give you a fair warning so that if you can't handle being around his preferred foods you can remove yourself from the torture zone and wrap yourself up in something else.

It gets easier in time. My hubby will eat a bunch of junk in front of me and really it doesn't bother me much at all unless it's that time!! LOL

Wishing you well!

[Beadingnurse 116]

My husband has achieved sainthood in my eyes since I started considering the surgery!

He agreed with my PCP who said that I needed the surgery while I was living in denial and I am sure I would never have gotten the surgery without his support. I was going to try yet another diet. He helped me think it through without blame or shame about "needing" weight loss surgery. He NEVER complained about spending the $16,000 out of pocket that my private pay surgery cost. He spent the night with me in the hospital and waited on me hand and foot without complaint then and for the days after when I was recooperating at home. I am so incredibly lucky to have such a support system and I have a lot of admiration for those who go through this surgery without that kind of support.

As far as his eating in front of me... I don't know why but it doesn't bother me at all for someone to eat in front of me. I don't really have hunger now and I don't have nearly as many cravings that I did. I hadn't even thought of it as being an issue until I read this post and realized that it is hard for some people. I've even made muffins and donuts for him (he has no weight problems of course) since then and didn't give them a second thought.

Good topic!

[Fatherjonz 0]

To contradict what Tiffykins (don't hate me and a couple others have said:

It's not "punishing" your spouse if you ask him to eat fast food somewhere else. Nope. Not at all.

Imagine if you were a recovering alcoholic just a month in. Would it be "punishing" your spouse to ask him not to drink a whole bottle of your favorite wine in front of you? No. That would be reasonable. It would be unreasonable to ask him to not drink at all (or not eat fast food at all), because YOU can't at all. THAT would be bratty. But that's not what you're talking about. You are fighting an addiction and you want your husband to help you steer clear of it until you get yourself under better control.

That is totally fine, not bratty.

Is it possible that part of the reason this hurts you so much is because you otherwise don't feel very cherished and supported by your husband on your journey?

Interesting point...however everyone needs to eat..no one needs to drink alcohol

[Heatherr 149]

I guess I'm in the minority here.

While we'll always have to be around food situations and make choices accordingly, I think it is inconsiderate for her husband to be eating fast food regularly in front of her. Of course the family doesn't have to change, but I just cannot fathom how people that love one another wouldn't try to be helpful and considerate of their loved one's feelings. Does the man really need fast food several nights per week?

I am here shaking my head wondering why many of you feel less worthy of certain respect. Here, let me put it into perspective from my point of view: If your child was recently diagnosed with diabetes, would you be eating ice cream in front of him/her several times a week while your child couldnt have any? Would you not change the family eating habits a little? Of course you would. Would you eat a hot fudge cake in front of your child for dessert while offering him a piece of fruit? Of course you wouldn't. What if your elderly parent came to visit for a long period of time, wouldn't you try to accommodate him/her with a comfortable place to sit, maybe a wheelchair ramp, foods they like? Of course you would. Would you be sloshing back the wine in front of your husband who just started attending AA meetings? I wouldn't dream of it. Sure, at some point he's going to have to be in social situations where alcohol is and be ok with it, and sure I'd still have my coveted glass of wine on occasion as appropriate, but I sure as heck wouldn't be bringing it into my home his first weeks in recovery. Why are we less worthy of the same mutual respect and care? ::shaking my head::

The difference is that the family still has to eat, I get it. But the family doesn't have to be gorging on decadent Desserts and bringing home trigger foods the first few weeks you are in recovery. Can they? Sure. I wouldn't do that to them if the situation were reversed because I LOVE them and want to support their recovery. Why don't I deserve the same love and respect? I do. And so do you all.

I've explained to my family that I may not be able to eat with them while I'm on the liquid diet for the 4th week in a row and that I may have to leave the room while they eat. I also explained that I will still be cooking their meals, but I also asked that if some night I just can't do it, would they mind fending for themselves. They are all supportive of it and just asked that I buy foods to keep in the fridge/freezer that are easy for them to prepare on their own.

Now having said all that, I don't believe I have a food addiction. I've been fine with the family eating fast food while I passed. I don't anticipate it being too difficult to deal with them eating when I can't unless the smell just makes me nauseous, which I anticipate immediately after surgery. I don't have a love of fast food or sweets and Desserts. My trigger foods are savory foods and, yes, my feelings would be hurt and I would feel less loved if 2 weeks after surgery, while I'm on my 3rd week of liquids, my husband brought home scallops and made pan seared scallops served on spinach greens with a bacon vinaigrette dressing or made filet mignon with bernaise.

[Heatherr 149]

every morning since I came home he appears in the room (Much earlier riser than me) with my first Protein drink of the day, an ice bucket with my first 32 ounce Water, and a hot Decaf tea.

^^^^awe, that's really sweet, Meggie.

[Penpen 28]

You are so right! Thank you for saying all of this. Sometimes we forget that we are worth the love and care that we deserve just like the rest of the family. Sometimes I feel so drained from taking care of everyone elses' needs and wants! Sometimes I feel cheated because not only do my needs not get met but I'm too tired to try to take care of myself...or maybe I stopped caring about myself along the way. So thank you for saying everything you said. We are just as important and as special as our family members are.

I guess I'm in the minority here.

While we'll always have to be around food situations and make choices accordingly, I think it is inconsiderate for her husband to be eating fast food regularly in front of her. Of course the family doesn't have to change, but I just cannot fathom how people that love one another wouldn't try to be helpful and considerate of their loved one's feelings. Does the man really need fast food several nights per week?

I am here shaking my head wondering why many of you feel less worthy of certain respect. Here, let me put it into perspective from my point of view: If your child was recently diagnosed with diabetes, would you be eating ice cream in front of him/her several times a week while your child couldnt have any? Would you not change the family eating habits a little? Of course you would. Would you eat a hot fudge cake in front of your child for dessert while offering him a piece of fruit? Of course you wouldn't. What if your elderly parent came to visit for a long period of time, wouldn't you try to accommodate him/her with a comfortable place to sit, maybe a wheelchair ramp, foods they like? Of course you would. Would you be sloshing back the wine in front of your husband who just started attending AA meetings? I wouldn't dream of it. Sure, at some point he's going to have to be in social situations where alcohol is and be ok with it, and sure I'd still have my coveted glass of wine on occasion as appropriate, but I sure as heck wouldn't be bringing it into my home his first weeks in recovery. Why are we less worthy of the same mutual respect and care? ::shaking my head::

The difference is that the family still has to eat, I get it. But the family doesn't have to be gorging on decadent desserts and bringing home trigger foods the first few weeks you are in recovery. Can they? Sure. I wouldn't do that to them if the situation were reversed because I LOVE them and want to support their recovery. Why don't I deserve the same love and respect? I do. And so do you all.

I've explained to my family that I may not be able to eat with them while I'm on the liquid diet for the 4th week in a row and that I may have to leave the room while they eat. I also explained that I will still be cooking their meals, but I also asked that if some night I just can't do it, would they mind fending for themselves. They are all supportive of it and just asked that I buy foods to keep in the fridge/freezer that are easy for them to prepare on their own.

Now having said all that, I don't believe I have a food addiction. I've been fine with the family eating fast food while I passed. I don't anticipate it being too difficult to deal with them eating when I can't unless the smell just makes me nauseous, which I anticipate immediately after surgery. I don't have a love of fast food or sweets and desserts. My trigger foods are savory foods and, yes, my feelings would be hurt and I would feel less loved if 2 weeks after surgery, while I'm on my 3rd week of liquids, my husband brought home scallops and made pan seared scallops served on spinach greens with a bacon vinaigrette dressing or made filet mignon with bernaise.

[goldysland 0]

I totally agree!!! why should they be punished?