VSG and Relationships

[Shea 13]

Hello. I'm not sleeved yet but I wanted to get an understanding about something. I have someone that I date, not serious yet. It's hard for me to get serious because I've heard that many relationships tend to breakup or get rocky after one loses weight and I want to wait until after surgery to get serious. I know many people can be insecure over one thing or another but I always thought the other partner would think whatever made us happy would flow into the relationship and we would then be happier in the relationship. For me when I lose weight, I will feel sexier, would want to wear the cute "skinny girl" clothes, and cute hills and just be too cute for my own good, not to mention wear cuter intimate clothes becasue I would have more confidence in my body. So please tell me what are some of the reasons why relationships get rocky after weight loss, and what can you do to prevent this from ruining a good thing?

[Valentina 2,642]

Talk, talk, talk, and when you both are all talked out--talk some more!! :gossip: The communication has to flow. Trust has to be built with bricks of self respect and respect for your partner. Nothing is off limits to talk about. If it's thought, that it can be talked!!! One thing I always try to remember is something I learned many years ago? FEELINGS ARE NEITHER RIGHT OR WRONG.:nono: They are just feelings. Tell eachother how you feel and don't let your pride get in the way.:hug:

Those are my personal thoughts on this day!

Valentina :grouphug:

Hello. I'm not sleeved yet but I wanted to get an understanding about something. I have someone that I date, not serious yet. It's hard for me to get serious because I've heard that many relationships tend to breakup or get rocky after one loses weight and I want to wait until after surgery to get serious. I know many people can be insecure over one thing or another but I always thought the other partner would think whatever made us happy would flow into the relationship and we would then be happier in the relationship. For me when I lose weight, I will feel sexier, would want to wear the cute "skinny girl" clothes, and cute hills and just be too cute for my own good, not to mention wear cuter intimate clothes becasue I would have more confidence in my body. So please tell me what are some of the reasons why relationships get rocky after weight loss, and what can you do to prevent this from ruining a good thing?

[kellyw74 258]

i have been with my husband for 20 years and am 36 years old. my husband loves me unconditionally and has seen me 170 lbs and 280 lbs. he loves me for me and it really doesn't matter to him if i am fat or thin! yes, i am very lucky!

i think the man cause of relationship trouble is insecurity. one partner becomes insecure that the other (weather it is true or not) is looking somewhere else because they have more confidence and look so much better. I have several friends that have ended their relationships because of wls and this was the main reason. another friend of mine had been severly overweight her whole life and once she lost 200lbs from bypass, became unfaithful to her husband when she suddenly was getting attention she had never received from men before. some handle it well and other's don't.

i believe if you are secure in your relationship and have open communication with your partner, you will be fine. don't be shady and do things you are not supposed to do and you will be fine. these are just a couple of the situations that i personally have seen. there are probably more.

good luck to you in your journey!

Kelly

[meggiep 57]

What she said!

My husband has been through H E double hocky sticks with me with back surgery, three falls, gaining a hundred pounds- all of it. He loves me for me and I adore him - we are soul mates.

I do understand why a less solid relationship might be shaky after the surgery but I don;t relly see why you should hold back with someone you think you could have a future with just because of WLS.

[Shea 13]

Before I get serious I want to make sure I know what to do to make sure it's solid, and he's in it for the right reasons. Like many said if he loves you for you then it's great, but if he is insecure I want to know before hand. I liked the comment that "if you can think it then you can talk about it", these are the things I'm trying to figure out so I can approach the relationship in the right way asking the right questions from the beginning. I'm a single parent and bringing someone in my life is already an important decision because of my children so I just want to take my time and only be serious when I feel like I have that true soul mate, someone who will love me big or small, thick or thin literally and be able to handle my changes.

[sasicas 194]

We have not had any issues in our marriage with the surgery however my "best friend" walked. About two weeks after my surgery she went from talking me every day to not having anything to do with me. No argument, no disagreement, she just bailed, guess she couldn't stand me losing weight.

At the support group I go to I hear of way more issues with friends than with spouses or dating.

[juliarh 35]

I think what everyone has said is true -- it depends on the state of your marriage -- and the state of your marriage depends on the mental state of two people -- if your relationship wasn't solid before surgery (or you weren't happy in it), it's definitely not going to be in a good place after surgery.

You go through soooo many changes emotionally after surgery -- one of them is the realization that you are no longer the ugly, fat person but the pretty, thin person. That's a HUGE social change. If you or your spouse is not prepared to accept a huge social change and in how people react to you (including those of the opposite sex), that will put a huge strain on your relationship.

Another change that will likely occur is your own self-esteem and how you take care of yourself-- we are no longer relegated to Lane Bryant and The Avenue for clothes -- you may have a COMPLETELY different way of dressing once you are thinner because of all the options you'll have. You might wear your hair differently, you might wear your makeup differently -- in other words, you might even look differently than before.

Finally, how you react to things will change -- you might stand up for yourself more -- in my case, I'm less angry, less bitter about things -- don't know why, but it just is . . . .

So there are a lot of changes that come a long with losing a lot of weight -- and if you have a solid relationship going into surgery, the changes are less likely to interfere with it -- and if you don't have a solid relationship, then the changes might just exacerbate any problems you might have had before.

[Kassie B. 1]

I, too, have yet to be sleeved, but I've heard and read a lot about relationship issues after WLS. My husband and I don't have the most solid of relationships... there have been many instances of "virtual unfaithfulness" (as in, chatting with other women) and there are DEFINITELY trust issues there. We have sought therapy, which was merely frustrating for us both... we're both such prideful, stubborn people that we can't even agree to disagree. LOL!

BUT, he does support me getting this surgery... he knows that it's what I need to be happy and healthy... and if we make it on the outside of it all, we make it.

[Shea 13]

WOW Thank you for your responses. It was very interesting about the friend issue, I hadn't thought of that. I heard some stories about losing sexual desires after surgery, and being so wrapped up in the new you that you pay less attention to your partner, and of course the partner getting insecure and jealous that we may leave them for someone else. It's hard to tell what will happen in the future, I guess I will just have to make sure I pay attention to my actions and changes, and keep being the same loving, caring, and intellegent woman I am and hope for the best in my relationship.

[sasicas 194]

WOW Thank you for your responses. It was very interesting about the friend issue, I hadn't thought of that. I heard some stories about losing sexual desires after surgery, and being so wrapped up in the new you that you pay less attention to your partner, and of course the partner getting insecure and jealous that we may leave them for someone else. It's hard to tell what will happen in the future, I guess I will just have to make sure I pay attention to my actions and changes, and keep being the same loving, caring, and intellegent woman I am and hope for the best in my relationship.

In many relationships the opposite is true, increase in sexual desires, taking better care of yourself which in our case has lead to my husband wanting to "show" me off which lead to me not feeling so resentful believing he was embarrassed of me. While those changes can make some people feel insecure as though they were not loved unconditionally it has done the opposite for me and really given me a boost in self esteem that I was lacking when fat.

As an example, never has my husband been one to post pictures of me on his Facebook page, not that there were many pictures of me to begin with but just the other day I had him take a picture of me to send to my mom, he encouraged me to post it to my facebook, then tagged himself in it. He wanted to show his wife off and it really made me feel so much better about myself.

[Bryn 3]

I think imam going through it now. Now that I see myself in a different light, I think I settled with my bf because I was fat. He has also become distant so it may not last.

It may be a relief for mento leave. We'll see. If he doesnt shape up I will walk. Now that I am becoming healthier I would like for him to as well. But he isn't taking that step

[abby 0]

i had the same thoughts with my BF

we met and he fell in love with me when i was at my heaviest

he loved my curves and was always telling me to be confident in my own skin

i was worried about loosing weight , being less attractive to him etc..

now am half way through, i feel the relationship getting so much colder

he does notice my body changing, am kinda sensitive when he tells me " wow ! ur boobs R gone " ..

although he encourage me sometimes to work on my tummy ,, since he hates saggy skin =(

i guess am super sensitive towards his comments about my body

about work and friends !

WOW! major shock ..

my friends are changing , i lost some and gained some

old ones werent happy about my new " Healthier" life style

new ones are impressed about my weight loss

and at work, most people didnt even used to notice me

now they are greet me and kinda comment about me looking younger and happier

i dont care about those though,, most of them are just superficial

i just keep telling myself am much happier now , am in control of my life =)

[Shea 13]

It's so sad to hear that losing weight brings in a lot of other issues we hadn't planned. I do hope that the relationships that are rocky get better. it's truly sad that once we decide to do something to save our lives and makes us healthier, that it can ruin a relationship. I know some people have problems regardless and break-up but it's just sad when it's due to weight loss.

[pcos_chick 23]

No one has mentioned it yet but there is a huge component at work here and that's our self worth and mental image.

Before getting sleeved you might have been depressed, had low self esteem, or just had a different outlook on life. The sleeve and weight loss can effect that profoundly. You might have a completely different perspective on any number of things in life.

Someone mentioned settling before... maybe you won't want to settle any more. Some folks may never have dealt with attention from the opposite sex (or same) and will feel the need to explore that, even if they are already with someone. Some folks may have been wall flowers in high school because of their self image and will want to 'go back' and do it over again.

I'm the first one to parrot the "we're having surgery on our stomach's not our brains' when we're talking about how hard it is to trade bad habits for healthy ones but there is a huge mental shift/change that can definitely effect our relationships.

[Shea 13]

You're so right PCOS_CHICK there a lot of issue before getting sleeved that we may still have after being sleeved that may contribute to our outlook on our relationships. I think for me I would still have a self conscience issue, I can see me still not wanting people to see me naked or comment on my body because I would just think they were just being nice and not being truthful. Then on the other hand I could think I'm hot after surgery and then go after the hot doctors I work with here. HAHAHA. That would be great. Anyway there are a lot of issues that do follow us on our journey that we have to deal with.