Self-Sabotage

[Amanda131 214]

As I've mentioned previously, I've lost anywhere from 50-80 pounds at five different times prior to my sleeve surgery. Each time, I reached a point where for whatever reason (still trying to figure that one out) I began to sabotage my efforts for no apparent reason. It's almost as if I have to prove to myself that I really can't be successful and that I'm doomed to be a big, fat dummo the rest of my life. Weight loss is the only area of my life I have not been successful and for some reason I am terrified of true success in this area.

Anyway, I've evidently hit that point where I started looking for the exit. I noticed today that for the past few weeks I've been sabotaging myself, again. It started with a slight stall which I think subconsciously made me think I was going to fail- I have a history of quitting things before I fail. It's a perfectionist issue. Anyway, I'm aware of it but I thought/hoped I had these tendencies thoroughly in check. Today, I realized, not so much.

So, I've called a "Come to Jesus" meeting with myself. This is unacceptable and I owe me far more than I am giving right now. I've backslid on Water consumption, making best food choices, no excercise, you name it. I feel too good right now to start trying to screw it all up just because my brain seems to think I can't succeed even though I obviously am.

Alright, thanks for listeing/reading. I needed to get that out there.

Out of curiousity, have any of you battled these demons? If so, how do you handle them? Maybe I can pick up a new technique or two.

[foxgirl74 5]

I am with you 100%. It's like if I am not fat, then I have to figure out why I will still not like myself, but since I am fat, it gives me the perfect reason. I too have sabotaged myself once I get to a certain weight, and that is the only reason I can think of, so I can keep hating myself but have a valid reason. What can I blame it on if I am skinny and cute? If I do happen to fail at things now, I can just say, "well, it's because I'm fat". I have so much ambition for a future law enforcement career, but afraid if I get into it I will fail, so by staying fat I can keep putting it off and not have to fail at it, but rather just fail at losing weight. Wow, weird to be saying this "out loud". I am tired of that person. I know the confident, never failing person is in me. I am ready to pull her out and get this other person gone forever. And if I don't like something about myself again, then it's a head thing, not a body thing. Also, this might sound strange, but I don't want to not like who I become if I am skinny. I feel like I have to be the funny, joking, bubbly personality since I am fat so people will like me. Once skinny, what if I think I am too good, judgmental and bitchy? It's all in my control, but for some reason the thought of becoming like that is one more thing that I use as an excuse to fail.

[swizzly 901]

Without telling a long story, I will just say that I think it is KEY to be conscious of this behavior and thought pattern, and to mindfully 'go around' or 'go through' it every time it rears its ugly head. Really, the focus I believe is to not let it get to the point where it's a mindless compulsion that you are no longer in control of. If you can see it and identify it, you can also be in the driver's seat. It's not easy and takes a lot of mental work and self-awareness...somehow I think both of you on this thread can absolutely manage this. Best of luck to you both.

[misspatrice 5]

I totally understand where you are coming from. Before I even had the surgery I convinced myself that I probably would not be successful. And even when I get compliments I ALWAYS feel the need to say thank you "BUT" I have so much more to go . . . basically dilute/water down the compliment because for some strange reason I don't think I"m "worthy" because in my mind I haven't really done it . . . just YET .. . it meaning lost ALL of the weight and truly been a "success". My best friend tells me I"m so hard on myself. But honestly like you I'm so scared because I've never been successful at weight loss.

Prior to the surgery I've lost over 50 lbs by myself. I've gone to the gym hard. As soon as I felt I couldn't do it I'd sabotage myself and was the classic "binge" eater. I even do it now (on a much smaller scale of course lol) . . . but I know it's not good!

I need tips too! One thing I will suggest is when you have your moments where you don't want to care about food. DO NOT get on the scale for a few days. I weigh myself religiously every morning. And when I slip and see a gain it makes me not care anymore when the truth is I didn't gain 2 lbs in one day but all of the excess salt from lets say a bag of chips or whatever my evil bad fattening high sodium food of choice was the day prior . . . lead to Water retention. And often times I slacked on my Water intake as well.

So that's my advice to you but I need to stop doing this as well. I think just being aware of what you are doing is a good step! I think journaling helps. Sounds funny but sometimes when you just take a moment to stop and really have a conversation about what you are doing and WHY you are doing it you'll be surprised how the rational side of you steps in and prevents you from sabotaging yourself.

[tntransplant06 20]

I won't go into a long story, but I can tell you I am in the same boat. I've begun counseling to try and figure out "why". It's really been a good thing for me. Maybe you can look into it? Many reasons go behind it and without discovering them, maybe you can't move past it? I've totally been a member of the clean plate club and it KILLS me now to see all the food I leave on my plate to be thrown away. Why is it such a big deal??? It just tears at me! And I also have to get past this grazing thing I've got going on. I hope you can find a solution!

[janinemaire 7]

I do agree, sometimes counseling is the best approach to deal with our food demons. I think all of us doing this surgery have beaten ourselves down so much about not having control over what we eat and how we look, it is something that is hard to change, its like its in our DNA. If we always feel guilty for eating something we feel is wrong or we are obessed with food then we should really think about talking with someone who deals with these issues. Can you tell I'm a social work major? Support group and forums like this I feel are also so helpful.

Good luck, we all deserve to loss this weight to be healthy and look good, janine

[amybaby33 5]

That was a great post! I think we can all relate to the self sabotage issue. I just started reading Women, food and God. It is a fantastic and eye opening book. I can't wait to finish it! Easy read too. By the first chapter I had already had several "ah ha" moments.

[Raine 170]

I've done it my whole life. Lose weight enough to get compliments and attention and then boooom back to bad habits. I don't know the answer and I'm hoping it doesn't happen again. I am confident that sleeve won't let it happen and that combined with the fact that I recognize it is a big help.

[Amanda131 214]

Thanks for all of the replies! Although, I wouldn't wish these struggles on anyone it is helpful to know that so many others have fought(and are fighting) these same demons.

Some have mentioned counseling, and I agree whole heartedly. Counseling is the only thing that has gotten me to the this level of consciousness. In the past I wouldn't have "woken up" to what I was doing until I'd gained back a big chunk of the weight and would have really felt like a failure so I'd keep on sabotaging.

Just for the record, I am still losing weight, but I know I could be doing much better if I wasn't treating myself like a jerk. The good news is that I feel good, confident and capable of making the necessary changes. I look forward to supporting each other on this journey!

Thanks again!

Amanda

[TwoStepsBack 15]

Absolutely getting you! Having the same problems myself at the moment. I think as someone else said, realising you are doing it is the first step towards putting it right!

[sleeve 4 me 910]

Yes! And I can't tell you how many times, too many to count...I eventually stop, and start over again and go strong.

We will battle these demons for the rest of our lives (ugh) but we have a super tool that will help us get through it...yayyy sleevie!

WE WILL DO THIS!

[Godsfavoraintfair 3]

Thank God we can start all over!! I vomited for the first time today because of this freaking holiday! I guess I got to excited! It is very scary to me that I still see the same me after loosing 68 lbs, but I need to recognize I am doing this. You know when you have been overweight since birth sometimes its hard to see yourself any other way, when people compliment me and because they have only known me to be one way only it scary and I am sure failure is apart of that! I have never like throwing up and it made me feel horrible today and like a failure. I will survive this, we all will! God Bless you all and thanks for listening.

[Raine 170]

I threw up yesterday too. Over indulged in some watermelon. That is the first time it has happened since being home after being sleeved. Felt horrible, but a nice eye opener as well.

[MrsPositive 5]

I totally get you and feel like peeling the weight off is like peeling off my skin!! Like leaving me vulnerable with no more excuses...I must now admit I can be successful at all of my life and quit hiding out!! I am waiting on my reschedule date but even the preop diet makes me feel this way...becuz I know I will never be this fat again. All I can say is journaling, counseling and reading great books. I've read the one mentioned above plus I am reading Course In Weight Loss....good one!! Incorporates the spiritual aspect as well. Great thread and I say we BEAT this thing!!!!

Joan

[Godsfavoraintfair 3]

I am going to a conference in San Francisco, called Women, food and God. Hopefully this helps me with the feeling that come with loosing weight! Now I feel I have to compete with Fat and Skinny people!