BEYOND ANGRY!!!

[MegInNOLA 531]

Hey Disney, thanks for the reply and for catching that--it was April 18, 2011. I fixed my signature.

Just had a HUGE crying jag while my husband held me. Wrung out. Going to watch some TV to get calmed down and then go to bed. Tomorrow is another day.... Thank goodness for this forum!!

Meg

[la faute 0]

hello everyone, i was so moved by the posts on this thread, while i've been reading the threads with dedication this is the first one i've ever replied too.

first of all i am HORRIFIED at what your boss said, kids05! i suggest the following: keep a diary with emails, messages dates, times etc with every single negative comment that has been directed at you from work. in case of a dismissal you have ammunition for discrimination - i am uncertain how things work in the US but this is certainly the law in the UK - and (in theory) you guys are better off in the US when it comes to such dilemmas. speak to an attorney!!!!

I am worried that you are directing all this hatred towards yourself - i certainly have grown to hate my body through the years, and i am always actively trying to be gentle to it to counterbalance.

i am constantly frustrated that i couldn't keep the weight off when i lost it in the past- and believe you me I did! i have tried every conceivable healthy approach under the sun adn STILL eat emotionally, still crave foods, still postpone exercise.... i can't be motivated all the time and it takes only a slight hormonal change to catapult me over the edge for a month-long spiral... you get the picture.

Obviously we are each responsible for our bodies, but there are so many other factors that have led us to where we are today. it is not just laziness, for god's sake. i am constantly amazed by the huge gap between what makes sense and what actually happens. it makes perfect sense not to eat chocolate, and yet the only thing reminding me that actually achieves is feeling guilty while eating chocolate. it makes perfect sense to have 3 meals and 2 Snacks a day - i have never faced a hardest challenge day in day out.

we follow patterns that we have established throughout our lives, from the earliest childhood - and they don't always make sense. they are incredibly hard to break. our vices are visible - thin people also have vices, theirs are simply more discreet.

having an awful post-op experience doesn't help obviously - there are so many testimonies here to prove that others have had success where you are encountering difficulties. it doesn't make what you're going through the wrong choice, just a harder one. sure you deserve a break - but maybe your break has/will come in another path: maybe you have a fab intelligent child, or a secret talent or an amazingly supportive husband. don't you think those are breaks?

i wish i didn't have to undergo surgery to catch a glimpse of who i wanted to be, to give my life a chance to become what i hoped it would become. i wish change came faster and actually looked positive. i wish routine wasn't boring and i wish i wasn't scared every step of the way. i've come to think it's wishing that holds me back!

when i get stuck i remind myself of the "wise" zoolander quote: the guy had to magically pull his underwear out of his butt to beat you! this is a bit like what we've done, isn't it? no one said it was pleasant. just hopefully, ultimately better than the alternative.

as a last note (sorry to be so lengthy) think on this and discuss with self: if you had not done the op would this be a likely scenario: 1)5 yrs from now would you still hate yourself for a)your looks and b)thinking you didn't have the guts to be proactive? 2) would your weight have caused serious medical issues like a)diabetes, b)high cholesterol, c)back pains etc? 3)would you be able to go through low risk pregnancy for the baby?

i hope the difficulties you're experiencing are just a rough patch. think positive: chances are you'll emerge healthier, thinner AND with a better job. you're on the way to reinvention and that is never easy. courage!

[kids05 4]

All I can say is, thanks everyone. I'm tring to be 'normal' today. Its just that normal since this surgery is a fake smile and I'll be or I am fine...attitude that is getting hard to do these days. I don't think I can go through with the procedure today. Well, I'm going to let him do the endoscopy, but just to look so we know what we're dealing with. No dilation, no messing with my sleeve. I'm too scared of anything getting any worse. If there is nothing...just slow healing and/or a lot of restriction for me, than ok. If there is a narrowing that needs to be dealt with, well, I think I need to deal with it when I am stronger. The risks, while slight chances, don't seem so slight to me in light of my recent luck with all this. Waking up, finding out he perforated my sleeve trying to dilate and i was rushed to the OR and converted to gastric bypass is NOT an option. I can't even begin to wrap my brain around that too at this point. So for today, I think we just look. I will take it from there.

Again, thank you all....even though I want to cry, am sick of trying to stay positive...its nice to be able to kick and hollar, have a big ole temper tantrum and have someone 'get it'!!!

THANK YOU ALL FOR GETTING IT! XO

(now, lets just hope the doc is ok with my plan for today...eek, I think he's going to be...well, lets just say 'not too happy' with my decision...ugh!)

[MegInNOLA 531]

Good luck today, Kids05! I hope your procedure goes easily and you have some answers. It does feel good to have a safe place to come and vent, get support and encouragement, and know that people really do "get it."

I know I would never have lost weight on my own. I know that this surgery was the only option left. Too many medical experts signed off on this for me to believe there was some other kind of option--I sailed through the approval process (much to my chagrin--I don't know, I kept waiting for someone to say, "Well, maybe you really don't need this," but nobody did!!). The frustration and anger I am feeling is exacerbated by hormones--before surgery, I hadn't had a period for 6 months; it came back the day I got home from the hospital, and it's back today!!! So that explains why I'm having more trouble dealing with these feelings of being overwhelmed...not that there aren't valid reasons for me to feel upset, but I think that maybe hormonal stuff is making it more difficult for me to deal with those feelings. This morning I feel a lot calmer, and I have a plan.

I hope you have a great day. Please post and let us know the results of your scope. And thanks to all who responded to Kids05, because believe me, I am reading every word, too--you have no idea how helpful you are.

Meg

[Margaret 4]

It's okay to be mad and vent. My friend here who had surgery in April just got out of the hospital with a little hole in her sleeve. So she's back at square one eating-wise and is seemingly making the best of it. That's all you can do------time will help, your dr. will help, and you were thrown a curve. I'm feeling lousy with lower bp and have doubts at times about what I've done, but it's just 6 weeks out for me. Time is a great healer. Every day just do what you know you're supposed to do with the orders from your doctor. Take it slowly. Good luck with Mister Mean Manager but suck up to him, too. Just know better days are coming up because they ARE COMING UP! You're not the first to have problems and it will get better!

I am sooo flippin ticked off!

I have to go for the GD endoscopy tomorrow so the surgeon can see if I have a stricture or a narrowing. He can attempt to dialate it if its narrowed. Maybe once..maybe more times needed. FML!!! What the hell did I do to myself!?? Was I so unhappy and friggin vain that I decided to mutilate my stomach to be thin??? Was I so amazingly LAZY that I couldn't just pick my FAT AS* off the couch and not stop shoveling the flippin food into my pie hiole!??? YES, I was. Now I have this GD mess to deal with. Positive blows...I have smiled...grimiced and cried alone for weeks and it still FRIGGIN SUCKS!! I AM MAD! This is not how it was supposed to be! AND I caused it..I chose this mess I have made of my life. I could lose my job if I miss more work...I can't think lately I am sooo miserable and MAD!

Who do I have to blame??? Me! MY freakin fat butt and my non-existant will power. If we are too weak to walk away from the donut...than what makes us think we can handle all the incredibly hard sh*t this surgery throws at you????

Now I have to deal with the procedure tomorrow...possible leak, possible bleeding, possible perforation???? Normal risks right??? ON TOP of all the day to day shitty BS I have had to deal with since the surgery! I am sick of being positive Polly! I'm not going to sit here, cry....and be Debbie Downer...I guess today I am just freakin Rage-ful Rita!!!!! I am mad. Mad at me and my lazy fat self. Mad at the doc for making me the FIRST sleeve that this has happened to with him...mad at FOOD! JUST MAD! If I had complications after the surgery that supposedly went perfect than what disaster awaits me tomorrow!?? Am I just asking for it!?? Glutton for punishment?? Should I just back out and say screw it, serves me right if I can never eat right again. If I wasn't a whimpy fat cow I wouldn't be here in the first place. Maybe this is what I deserve.

Suicide by LOAF of bread sounds good right now... That would be the Fox 23 news headline. (thats our hack-ish, ambulance chasing news station around here)

I give up.....THIS WAS SUCH A GIAGANTIC MISTAKE!!!!

[MrsPositive 5]

Hang in there. I appreciate your honesty. I will tell you from all I have read there is a less than 5% chance that people who are over 100 pounds will diet and keep it off. The sleeve is a much better shot at getting to a healthy weight. And...as my Mom always said....this too shall pass. And even though you are completely at the end of your rope right now...it will get better. Keep posting so we know how you are. There are a ton of people thinking great thoughts and prayers for you!! Joan

[Nancy Rivers 24]

I'm sorry you have been having a rough time of it. But I wanted to thank you for posting it too. I'm in the beginning stages of this journey, so I am interested in reading people's experiences with it. I have to admit, after I initially read the posts yesterday, I really started to have second thoughts about doing this. But after a night of soul searching and watching some videos on YouTube, I have decided to go ahead with it. But I'm still thankful for your post as it did help me in many ways.

As far as your work situation, I agree with what some of the others said - document everything. Keep a log/journal of all of these types of comments that your boss says. I would also get in touch with the labor board in your state and see what they might say about it. What it sounds like from the little that was posted is your boss is using discrimination based on your weight and medical condition. That's illegal. Your state's labor board can give you further information about how to proceed with him. I have worked with the labor board on a situation in the past, so I know they should be able to help you as well.

[kids05 4]

I work for a small MD office and while they are supportive as far as wanting me to be ok, no one thought i should do the surgery. The practice administrator is the MDs wife (maybe a size 8)

When i initially requested the time off her comment was...you're not fat enough to do that. I told her I was. She asked if insurance would cover it. I said yes. She sighed and said, "I have to fight to get insurance to cover injections for patients and your insurance will cover that? Wow!" then she said another time, i could see u doing it if you were over 200lbs! when i said i was...she said, "really?! You don't evenmove like a fat person?" Yesterday she asked me if i read the article she left in the break room on diet and exercise...she thought it was a good article and that several of us could learn something from it.

Sigh....she is very blunt and not 'smooth' with how she says things so I just try to blow it off as her personality and not malicious or hurtful. But it does make requesting time for things like today difficult. I always have to explain it all...or at least I feel like i have to.

There is no way to go to the labor board or rock the boat at all and keep my job happy. Literally there are 12 people in my office. We all know what's going on w each other...good and bad. I just want to get back to normal...i think its been long enough!!!

[thinoneday 445]

I am sooo flippin ticked off!

I have to go for the GD endoscopy tomorrow so the surgeon can see if I have a stricture or a narrowing. He can attempt to dialate it if its narrowed. Maybe once..maybe more times needed. FML!!! What the hell did I do to myself!?? Was I so unhappy and friggin vain that I decided to mutilate my stomach to be thin??? Was I so amazingly LAZY that I couldn't just pick my FAT AS* off the couch and not stop shoveling the flippin food into my pie hiole!??? YES, I was. Now I have this GD mess to deal with. Positive blows...I have smiled...grimiced and cried alone for weeks and it still FRIGGIN SUCKS!! I AM MAD! This is not how it was supposed to be! AND I caused it..I chose this mess I have made of my life. I could lose my job if I miss more work...I can't think lately I am sooo miserable and MAD!

Who do I have to blame??? Me! MY freakin fat butt and my non-existant will power. If we are too weak to walk away from the donut...than what makes us think we can handle all the incredibly hard sh*t this surgery throws at you????

Now I have to deal with the procedure tomorrow...possible leak, possible bleeding, possible perforation???? Normal risks right??? ON TOP of all the day to day shitty BS I have had to deal with since the surgery! I am sick of being positive Polly! I'm not going to sit here, cry....and be Debbie Downer...I guess today I am just freakin Rage-ful Rita!!!!! I am mad. Mad at me and my lazy fat self. Mad at the doc for making me the FIRST sleeve that this has happened to with him...mad at FOOD! JUST MAD! If I had complications after the surgery that supposedly went perfect than what disaster awaits me tomorrow!?? Am I just asking for it!?? Glutton for punishment?? Should I just back out and say screw it, serves me right if I can never eat right again. If I wasn't a whimpy fat cow I wouldn't be here in the first place. Maybe this is what I deserve.

Suicide by LOAF of bread sounds good right now... That would be the Fox 23 news headline. (thats our hack-ish, ambulance chasing news station around here)

I give up.....THIS WAS SUCH A GIAGANTIC MISTAKE!!!!

How I can relate to you! Well my story isn't quite as yours is, a bit different but very simular. . .i had the sleeve about 2 years ago. . . .i haven't had any complications really to talk about however at almost 2 years out i now wonder "couldnt i have done this by just restricting my food intake?" Like you, couldn't i just have moved my butt off the couch more often? Couldn't I, couldn't i , couldn't i???? . . . now i regret the sleeve. . . not because i'm hurting or anything, but because i still have tons of restriction (1 egg causes me to slime, never mind adding 1 slice of bacon) I had a 28/32 F bougie. . . I'm happy to have lost 150lb and that i can do everything possible now, I satisfied my doctors weight goal. . .would like to loose about 20 more but hey whatever at this point. . . i would love to be able to go out with my hubbie to a nice restaurant and not just order an appetizer and then ask for a take out box because i couldn't finish the 3 little food that was brought out. . . hubbie now has stopped going out with me cause he says "it's too expensive especially since i can't eat anything and the plates cost so much" . . . i can't be upset with him at all cause he is so very right. . . I would love to have my Vitamin D deficency turn around again. . would love to stop thinking what should i have first, food or liquids. . . could i have done this by myself????? if i could have i would have a long time ago right??? Desperate things mean desperate measures. . . ugh. . . it's ok though, it's done and I'll be fine as will you. . . good luck

[ahoy 3]

kids05, wow. I'm sorry to hear all the shit you're having to go thru! You absolutely don't deserve it. And yeah, a year from now, you'll probably be glad you did it, but that doesn't mean you should paste a smile on your face. You gotta be real.

I have nothing to add except: Don't feel bad about ranting. Let it all out! You're EXCELLENT at it. I haven't read a rant that good in a long, long time. My hat's off to you. (Especially considering how sick & miserable you must feel... it was a work of art.)

[kids05 4]

I'm a big cranky baby! It went fine...lol. I laid down the law when the doc got in the room, then he asked if I was done. lol. Then he told me he was going to calm me down. That it was safe, he wouldn't white wash or sugar coat anything. If its bad, he'll tell me its bad...but so far he wasn't thinking that way. Sooo, he went in (after they gave me enough drugs to soothe an elephant! He scoped me...took pics and inflated the balloon (not all the way but some) and made sure it passed through ok. It did. He didn't fully inflate it, he said my tummy is about a 1/4 cup size right now...as it should be and though I have been slow to heal, I'm well on my way. Sooo, I guess I can say I am relieved. Mentally and physically exhausted, but relieved. I'm still a bit miserable...still not sure I should have taken such a drastic step, but at least I know God listened. I told him I could not take any more right now and he believed me! Finally! Thank you all for the thoughts, prayers and encouraging words...I dug up Positive Polly (it was only a shallow grave in the yard, with all this rain it was easy to pull her out...lol) I'll try to bury rage-ful Rita deeper....and go back to my one day at a time mantra...each day it gets better cheer and focus on what i can eat and the great weight loss goal I have set for Forth of July that I could have never accomplished without this bleepity bleepin sleeve. XOXOXOX to you all!!!!!

[la faute 0]

yay!!! that's excellent news!!! wooohoooo!!

[imawhodat 3]

I'm glad the procedure went well!! I hope things continue to improve for you.

[rsr53 1]

((((((HUGS))))))!!!!! Glad you got good news from the doctor. Take care.

[MegInNOLA 531]

So glad things went well for you today. I had a better day, too--we can do it!!

Meg