BEYOND ANGRY!!!

[kids05 4]

I am sooo flippin ticked off!

I have to go for the GD endoscopy tomorrow so the surgeon can see if I have a stricture or a narrowing. He can attempt to dialate it if its narrowed. Maybe once..maybe more times needed. FML!!! What the hell did I do to myself!?? Was I so unhappy and friggin vain that I decided to mutilate my stomach to be thin??? Was I so amazingly LAZY that I couldn't just pick my FAT AS* off the couch and not stop shoveling the flippin food into my pie hiole!??? YES, I was. Now I have this GD mess to deal with. Positive blows...I have smiled...grimiced and cried alone for weeks and it still FRIGGIN SUCKS!! I AM MAD! This is not how it was supposed to be! AND I caused it..I chose this mess I have made of my life. I could lose my job if I miss more work...I can't think lately I am sooo miserable and MAD!

Who do I have to blame??? Me! MY freakin fat butt and my non-existant will power. If we are too weak to walk away from the donut...than what makes us think we can handle all the incredibly hard sh*t this surgery throws at you????

Now I have to deal with the procedure tomorrow...possible leak, possible bleeding, possible perforation???? Normal risks right??? ON TOP of all the day to day shitty BS I have had to deal with since the surgery! I am sick of being positive Polly! I'm not going to sit here, cry....and be Debbie Downer...I guess today I am just freakin Rage-ful Rita!!!!! I am mad. Mad at me and my lazy fat self. Mad at the doc for making me the FIRST sleeve that this has happened to with him...mad at FOOD! JUST MAD! If I had complications after the surgery that supposedly went perfect than what disaster awaits me tomorrow!?? Am I just asking for it!?? Glutton for punishment?? Should I just back out and say screw it, serves me right if I can never eat right again. If I wasn't a whimpy fat cow I wouldn't be here in the first place. Maybe this is what I deserve.

Suicide by LOAF of bread sounds good right now... That would be the Fox 23 news headline. (thats our hack-ish, ambulance chasing news station around here)

I give up.....THIS WAS SUCH A GIAGANTIC MISTAKE!!!!

[Lots Of Hope 4]

Well crap! That could have been me and I would be mad too...or rather beyond as you are. I will pray for some type of resolution for you. You deserve the best!

[ybnormal 21]

You have every right to be angry and I feel so bad for you. This is one of my biggest fears. I hope everything starts going right for you ...lots of prayers coming your way.

Renee`

[Bandme1 12]

I'm sorry We all have those days where we just need a break from being positive and just cry it out, be angry, scream into a pillow. Do whatever is going to help you get through this. Be as MAD as you want to be. Let it all out. Be pissed. You've earned it. Just don't stay that way.

We can't do anything to help your problem, but we can make it less lonely. *hugs*

[Michelle Cicerello 6]

Awww I am sorry your going through this, I really am, but.....

You are being to hard on yourself. If we COULD have lost this weight on our own WE would have, but its like alot of things in life, in order to accomplish something we sometimes need help!

And you didnt make the stricture, or the narrowing of your stomach happen, this was a surgery, and with surgery, unfortunately there are risks, we all hope that none of those risks happen to us and when they do, yes, it sucks, but your DR is going to do what he needs to do tomorrow to make you comfortable and not cause more damage.

A few years ago I had a gall stone get caught in the bile duct of my pancreas, and was in major pain and had to have a scope to go down there and clear out the stone and the sludge and repair any damage to the duct that the stone did - let me tell you I was scared, but when I woke from that, I felt so much better I was thrilled that it was done - I know that is not the same as what your going to have done tomorrow, but its close -

You have every right to be mad, but please stop being so hard on yourself, and give your DR a chance to fix things for you.

HUGS to you, keep us posted on how things are going

I am sooo flippin ticked off!

I have to go for the GD endoscopy tomorrow so the surgeon can see if I have a stricture or a narrowing. He can attempt to dialate it if its narrowed. Maybe once..maybe more times needed. FML!!! What the hell did I do to myself!?? Was I so unhappy and friggin vain that I decided to mutilate my stomach to be thin??? Was I so amazingly LAZY that I couldn't just pick my FAT AS* off the couch and not stop shoveling the flippin food into my pie hiole!??? YES, I was. Now I have this GD mess to deal with. Positive blows...I have smiled...grimiced and cried alone for weeks and it still FRIGGIN SUCKS!! I AM MAD! This is not how it was supposed to be! AND I caused it..I chose this mess I have made of my life. I could lose my job if I miss more work...I can't think lately I am sooo miserable and MAD!

Who do I have to blame??? Me! MY freakin fat butt and my non-existant will power. If we are too weak to walk away from the donut...than what makes us think we can handle all the incredibly hard sh*t this surgery throws at you????

Now I have to deal with the procedure tomorrow...possible leak, possible bleeding, possible perforation???? Normal risks right??? ON TOP of all the day to day shitty BS I have had to deal with since the surgery! I am sick of being positive Polly! I'm not going to sit here, cry....and be Debbie Downer...I guess today I am just freakin Rage-ful Rita!!!!! I am mad. Mad at me and my lazy fat self. Mad at the doc for making me the FIRST sleeve that this has happened to with him...mad at FOOD! JUST MAD! If I had complications after the surgery that supposedly went perfect than what disaster awaits me tomorrow!?? Am I just asking for it!?? Glutton for punishment?? Should I just back out and say screw it, serves me right if I can never eat right again. If I wasn't a whimpy fat cow I wouldn't be here in the first place. Maybe this is what I deserve.

Suicide by LOAF of bread sounds good right now... That would be the Fox 23 news headline. (thats our hack-ish, ambulance chasing news station around here)

I give up.....THIS WAS SUCH A GIAGANTIC MISTAKE!!!!

[rsr53 1]

Just tell yourself you are going to do it RIGHT for YOU!!! Sorry for your frustrations, but just think what would happen if no dr reviews and treats a condition--death, anemia, and goodness knows what else! Some things just go with WLS--I have been a bariatric patient 10 yrs now and have revision surgery in just 12 days. I am not afraid. The first one actually saved my life as I almost bled to death 3 mos beforehand. This one is gonna save my life also because I have no nutrition that my body is using--I do have deficiency in Calcium, Vit D, and B12. I take supplements for it. Now is the time to take care of ourselves--nobody else will; they won't even listen to us rant and rave. You are about 6 wks postop, and the depression is what you are facing. You need to go to your support group, work things through positively instead of beating yourself up, Friend. I think you are facing postpartum over food. Get over it with support!! Please do that--I need your example to keep my journey in place once my surgery is performed on May 31st. By the way, Fed law prohibits employers from taking away jobs over illnesses. Make sure you get FMLA approved. Things will work right for you, Friend. Just keep your faith that it will be a good experience. I am praying that this is so for you. Take care.

[2BSkinny 0]

I am sooo flippin ticked off!

I have to go for the GD endoscopy tomorrow so the surgeon can see if I have a stricture or a narrowing. He can attempt to dialate it if its narrowed. Maybe once..maybe more times needed. FML!!! What the hell did I do to myself!?? Was I so unhappy and friggin vain that I decided to mutilate my stomach to be thin??? Was I so amazingly LAZY that I couldn't just pick my FAT AS* off the couch and not stop shoveling the flippin food into my pie hiole!??? YES, I was. Now I have this GD mess to deal with. Positive blows...I have smiled...grimiced and cried alone for weeks and it still FRIGGIN SUCKS!! I AM MAD! This is not how it was supposed to be! AND I caused it..I chose this mess I have made of my life. I could lose my job if I miss more work...I can't think lately I am sooo miserable and MAD!

Who do I have to blame??? Me! MY freakin fat butt and my non-existant will power. If we are too weak to walk away from the donut...than what makes us think we can handle all the incredibly hard sh*t this surgery throws at you????

Now I have to deal with the procedure tomorrow...possible leak, possible bleeding, possible perforation???? Normal risks right??? ON TOP of all the day to day shitty BS I have had to deal with since the surgery! I am sick of being positive Polly! I'm not going to sit here, cry....and be Debbie Downer...I guess today I am just freakin Rage-ful Rita!!!!! I am mad. Mad at me and my lazy fat self. Mad at the doc for making me the FIRST sleeve that this has happened to with him...mad at FOOD! JUST MAD! If I had complications after the surgery that supposedly went perfect than what disaster awaits me tomorrow!?? Am I just asking for it!?? Glutton for punishment?? Should I just back out and say screw it, serves me right if I can never eat right again. If I wasn't a whimpy fat cow I wouldn't be here in the first place. Maybe this is what I deserve.

Suicide by LOAF of bread sounds good right now... That would be the Fox 23 news headline. (thats our hack-ish, ambulance chasing news station around here)

I give up.....THIS WAS SUCH A GIAGANTIC MISTAKE!!!!

Wow. It sounds like you've had a horrible day. I, too, doubted myself and my surgery during the first couple months post-op. Hang in there (like you really have a choice). It really does get better. I'm almost 7 months post-op and finally feel like this is the best thing I could have done aside from losing weight and keeping it off all by myself (which wouldn't have happened). Best wishes on a positive outcome tomorrow.

Lisa

[kids05 4]

FML does not apply to employers with less than 50 employees...nice twist huh? Job still hangs in the balance. AND since this was 'elective' i think they are more ticked that i have missed time. As my boss said...why can't u just eat less and exercise like thickest of us??

[kids05 4]

FMLA*

[kids05 4]

I have tried so hard to be positive...but how many kicks do I get before I catch a break??? I guess Im most pissed cause I feel I am stuck...can't do anything about all this now. Now...there is no choice for me, I have to do this and that. My choices are taken Away. (and I look illiterate with half my posts cause my phone autocorrects and i don't catch it before I hit send...grrrrr)

[1-4-Many 2]

I have tried so hard to be positive...but how many kicks do I get before I catch a break??? I guess Im most pissed cause I feel I am stuck...can't do anything about all this now. Now...there is no choice for me, I have to do this and that. My choices are taken Away. (and I look illiterate with half my posts cause my phone autocorrects and i don't catch it before I hit send...grrrrr)

I understand everything you are feeling. I really do. I actually told people before my surgery that if something went very wrong, it was all on me. I got me where I was. But I also recognized that I was doing it because I was trying to take action to get me out of where I was.

Later, when you have some time, read through some of the threads about how much people eat after being sleeved. That's what keep me "real". It's what reminds me that it just is not as simple as calories in and calories out. You know there are people on this board who are consuming 600 calories a day and having stalls where their bodies are refusing to lose weight. 600 calories a day! And even at 600 calories they have to watch and fret over every carb. Not being able to succeed at that game without this tool is not weak or stupid or lazy. It's the type of fight you can win when it's 25 to 50 pounds,willing to learn a lot, are young and able to give a hour a day to exercise. But if you are looking at needing to lose 100 pounds it's almost impossible to lose it and keep it off. I know.

I really hope things work out for you. And I really hope you can forgive yourself. You are just human. And you are doing the best you can for things to get better. Fingers crossed, it will.

[Amanda131 214]

Hi kids05-

I really can't relate in this area since I have been very fortunate with this surgery, I have however been dealt some rather serious blows in my personal life that left me feeling like you said: "stuck" and "unable to catch a break". A therapist I was seeing at the time gave me a bit of advice that has really helped me wade through the chaos life sometimes throws us. She said, "Everything happens exactly the way it's supposed to happen." We may not understand, agree with or like it but it happened exactly as it was supposed to.

I hated that statement while my life was crumbling around me. I questioned why God had allowed such terrible things happen to me when I had busted my ass to be a ridiculously good person my whole life. Yet, I continued to ponder that statement for a long time and later came to realize that all of the nasty things in my life ended up assisting me in some way down the road. I share this little mantra in hopes that it can help you too. It actually becomes pretty freeing when you learn to let go and believe this is all happening the way it is supposed to.

You sound like an extremely tough individual and even though you needed a moment to vent today, I believe you will come out on top of this. Best wishes to you. I'll be thinking of you.

Amanda

[MegInNOLA 531]

Hey, Kids05, I am WITH YOU. I have just finished the most horrible 30 days of my entire life, and why? Because I was too whatever to get off my own lazy as$ and eat and exercise like a grownup. No, I ate just what I wanted, when I wanted, and now I have to deal with the results of having had a surgery that went "exactly as it is supposed to," and STILL I can only eat around a tablespoon of food at a time (and then pray that it stays down!), have no energy, throw up EVERY DAY, and just feel like I have exchanged killing myself with food to killing myself with frustration and malnutrition (eating around 300 calories per day, not getting enough Protein, not getting enough Water, etc. etc. etc.).

In fact, I came to this site tonight to post a message, hoping that someone out there was feeling the same sense of RAGE and frustration that I was feeling--and I feel it toward myself!! I did this--I ate myself to the point where surgery was the only option, and then I signed the permissions and I did this to my body. Geez, what the &*% was I thinking????

My husband's sleeve procedure was almost effortless for him. He's being sweet and supportive and that makes me mad, too. I have tried the positive thinking approach--oh, look on the bright side, at least you can tolerate yogurt--oh, wow, how great that you're losing weight--oh, fabulous, I really like Gatorade--but no... no, I can't do it any more. I mean the being positive part. We both have to figure out how to make this tool work for us, and I frankly confess that I have no ideas left and am at my wits' end. Food that I can tolerate one day doesn't work the next. I smush stuff in the Bullet and it still comes back. Scrambled egg comes back, for pity's sake, and I'm talking here about 2 teaspoonfuls that were well-chewed and careful, no rushing, no Water with the meal, nothing against "the rules." I think my sleeve has stricter rules than almost everyone else's, and I'm feeling pitiful. LOL Now that made me laugh, but really--I do feel really, really angry that I have done this to myself, and I told my husband tonight in the car that if I could go back and not do it, I would go back in a second and not do it. Yes, I have lost weight. I feel horrible. I miss my brain functioning properly. I miss being able to not think about my bodily functions all flipping day.

So if you have thoughts on how to manage this, I would appreciate them--meanwhile, you have a sister in arms with the "OMG I hate this!" song. I'm singing it LOUD!!!

Meg

[Disney 20]

Hey, Kids05, I am WITH YOU. I have just finished the most horrible 30 days of my entire life, and why? Because I was too whatever to get off my own lazy as$ and eat and exercise like a grownup. No, I ate just what I wanted, when I wanted, and now I have to deal with the results of having had a surgery that went "exactly as it is supposed to," and STILL I can only eat around a tablespoon of food at a time (and then pray that it stays down!), have no energy, throw up EVERY DAY, and just feel like I have exchanged killing myself with food to killing myself with frustration and malnutrition (eating around 300 calories per day, not getting enough Protein, not getting enough Water, etc. etc. etc.).

In fact, I came to this site tonight to post a message, hoping that someone out there was feeling the same sense of RAGE and frustration that I was feeling--and I feel it toward myself!! I did this--I ate myself to the point where surgery was the only option, and then I signed the permissions and I did this to my body. Geez, what the &*% was I thinking????

My husband's sleeve procedure was almost effortless for him. He's being sweet and supportive and that makes me mad, too. I have tried the positive thinking approach--oh, look on the bright side, at least you can tolerate yogurt--oh, wow, how great that you're losing weight--oh, fabulous, I really like Gatorade--but no... no, I can't do it any more. I mean the being positive part. We both have to figure out how to make this tool work for us, and I frankly confess that I have no ideas left and am at my wits' end. Food that I can tolerate one day doesn't work the next. I smush stuff in the Bullet and it still comes back. Scrambled egg comes back, for pity's sake, and I'm talking here about 2 teaspoonfuls that were well-chewed and careful, no rushing, no Water with the meal, nothing against "the rules." I think my sleeve has stricter rules than almost everyone else's, and I'm feeling pitiful. LOL Now that made me laugh, but really--I do feel really, really angry that I have done this to myself, and I told my husband tonight in the car that if I could go back and not do it, I would go back in a second and not do it. Yes, I have lost weight. I feel horrible. I miss my brain functioning properly. I miss being able to not think about my bodily functions all flipping day.

So if you have thoughts on how to manage this, I would appreciate them--meanwhile, you have a sister in arms with the "OMG I hate this!" song. I'm singing it LOUD!!!

Meg

So sorry you both are going through this. I hope you can find some relief soon. I have read on here that time is about the only thing that is going to help as far as the restriction being less.

Meg,,, did you have your surgery in 2010 or this year? Your ticker says 2010, but your post reads like it was this year. Just wondering.

[LisaM 3]

FML does not apply to employers with less than 50 employees...nice twist huh? Job still hangs in the balance. AND since this was 'elective' i think they are more ticked that i have missed time. As my boss said...why can't u just eat less and exercise like thickest of us??

First, that your boss said this is incredibly rude and mean. Where do you live? In Calofornia you can get paid state disability for up to a year although it won't save your position. I would just document everything from your doctor and check your states discrimination laws. I truly think employers treat obese people different. Now as far as will power, all of us here have learned will power won't do it. This surgery was the last resort for me and I'm sure a lot of others. Hang in there, we're here for you. Keep us posted.