Thoughts the day before my surgery....

[meggiep 57]

First of all, I suddenly found I could not really be on this forum for a few days.

Once my doctor cleared me for surgery I really felt the need to pull back and pull in - which really surprised me. Of course I have still been in total get rid of the cold mode as I still have some congestion and was attacking that with every means I have.

Interestingly I realized mid day yesterday that whey Protein probably has some of the same congestive properties as milk - d'uh! I have been drinking that on my liquids and in hindsight should have perhaps gotten some soy protein.

The wind kicked up here this weekend so my allergies decided to say hello in a big way too- so I will let them decide tomorrow and listen to my chest again. I am at peace with what happens.

I have found I still have a lot of anger that I have been brought to this point of having to remove most of my stomach FOREVER. Excited as I am , as much as I want it- I am pissed off at my lot in life that I was born to be fat most of my life and to end up here at this fork in the road. (Interesting that the word "fork" came up ;-P)

Yesterday I actually had a talk with my stomach and asked my stomach to forgive me! I told her she has always been a great stomach- I have never had Constipation or any other digestive problems, she has not done anything to deserve what I am about to do to her. My metabolism and my back and knee surgeries are not her fault, And I am sorry that I am going to remove most of her tomorrow, please forgive me.

Then of course I had to do some soul searching- is this really what I need to do? I lost 16 pounds on this liquid diet for two weeks- can I lose the 120 pounds with this great jump off? Is this truly the right thing for me?

Here's the thing- I realized as all the feelings started coming up in me for the last two days- anger, guilt towards my innocent stomach, questioning the surgery-that what I immediately wanted to do was EAT. Eat bad foods, eat candy and Cookies and ice cream and the pizza my husband bought me Friday when we thought I might be canceled. BINGO!!! Truly I don't think I had been so in touch with what drives me to eat so much as I was yesterday. And I am on this freaking liquid diet! Luckily I have a strong will so of course I didn't eat.

But it was the signal I needed to know this is the right thing for me. So tomorrow- or if not tomorrow soon- I will indeed be sending my innocent stomach to the bougie guillotine- and I will do everything I can to heal her and in fact will most likely be a slave to her whims from then on in any case.

SO that is meggie 17 1/2 hours before surgery. I took the 3T of milk of magnesia I was told to take at noon and for me that was the full commitment!

[Kira137 0]

Good luck! I am so happy you decided to go through with it. I am getting sleeved on May 23rd and I go back and forth too. Sometimes I feel nervous, sometimes I feel so excited. I wish you the best of luck on your weight loss journey!

[crosswind 134]

. I did the same thing. I was sad for my stomach, the one that had been tirelessly digesting everything given it since the day I drew breath. Physically I am strong as a horse and always had an "Iron stomach". I've always had a metaphor floating around in my secret ethers; something about strength and the belly, fire in the belly, a solid constitution...etc. I wondered if my health would ultimately become more fragile because the mechanism for delivering nutrients to my brain and body would be circumsized.I grieved for my stomach, apologized, felt guilty as if I was betraying my body and my ancestors who all saw a strong, sated appetite as the key to survival. To them the stomach was an organ of love.

I've also thought about starving African nations, how odd it is that I am paying to have my stomach cut out because I can't keep the flood of endless, everywhere calories out of me.

It is sad, Meggie. I didn't quite get over it until I started reading about people -- cancer victims -- who are living without stomachs at all. Did you know that when a person has his entire stomach removed the esophageal and intestinal tract conspire to make *another* one? Usually a pouch that serves as a stomach will form in two years. Our bodies are brilliant at survival. Flip it over and look at how hard the rest of our bodies have been working to accomodate the faulty, overprocessed, high calorie diets we give them. The liver flushes toxins tirelessly, the pancreas works to adjust to all that sugar, the endocrine system constantly tries to balance itself against the onslaught of bad diet, bad sleep, bad emotions; fear and pain.

So while you are excising your stomach you are giving the rest of your body a hell of a break. And in some period of time, your stomach will adjust to its new reality and keep working as hard as it always has to do its job too well.

[Meandmylittledog 0]

Awww Meggie as I read your post I starting thinking about my stomach. I'm scheduled for surgery on 6/7/11. I keep thinking to myself, is this the right thing to do? Is this really an easy way out as some have suggested? Then I thought about my poor stomach that has always done right by me. Too right apparently otherwise I wouldn't be in this dilemma. I thought about what Crosswind just said about giving the rest of our bodies a break following some much needed weight loss. My poor feet hurt everyday as I stand and walk at work as does my back and knees. My body has tried so hard to keep me going and what have I done to say Thank you....I've just continued to stuff it with food. I'm so glad that you had the realization that you did for it has helped me too. I too will be having a serious talk with my entire body, asking for forgiveness and asking for it to please help me as I try to make things right. Good luck with your surgery, I know you'll do great and I look forward to reading your posts post op.

[meggiep 57]

. I did the same thing. I was sad for my stomach, the one that had been tirelessly digesting everything given it since the day I drew breath. Physically I am strong as a horse and always had an "Iron stomach". I've always had a metaphor floating around in my secret ethers; something about strength and the belly, fire in the belly, a solid constitution...etc. I wondered if my health would ultimately become more fragile because the mechanism for delivering nutrients to my brain and body would be circumsized.I grieved for my stomach, apologized, felt guilty as if I was betraying my body and my ancestors who all saw a strong, sated appetite as the key to survival. To them the stomach was an organ of love.

I've also thought about starving African nations, how odd it is that I am paying to have my stomach cut out because I can't keep the flood of endless, everywhere calories out of me.

It is sad, Meggie. I didn't quite get over it until I started reading about people -- cancer victims -- who are living without stomachs at all. Did you know that when a person has his entire stomach removed the esophageal and intestinal tract conspire to make *another* one? Usually a pouch that serves as a stomach will form in two years. Our bodies are brilliant at survival. Flip it over and look at how hard the rest of our bodies have been working to accomodate the faulty, overprocessed, high calorie diets we give them. The liver flushes toxins tirelessly, the pancreas works to adjust to all that sugar, the endocrine system constantly tries to balance itself against the onslaught of bad diet, bad sleep, bad emotions; fear and pain.

So while you are excising your stomach you are giving the rest of your body a hell of a break. And in some period of time, your stomach will adjust to its new reality and keep working as hard as it always has to do its job too well.

Girl I am so glad to see you- I know you posted while I was taking my VST break and I had been worried about you- not rational of course!

Thank you for talking me down off the ledge- everything you said makes so much sense- and actually thinking about people with stomach cancer etc. who have a gastrectomy helped me accept this as a safe surgery. Wow about the regenerated stomachs! ANd now that you mention it, I will be giving everything a break- especially my back and knees- the parts that are suffering so much that I am on opiates and housebound!

I am ready for tomorrow- excited even!

(The milk of magnesia results? not so excited- at one point, with my son called in to work suddenly, and my husband at his moms for a couple of hours- I could have posted "It's Mothers Day, I am alone, and I just pooped my pants! "

Now I will go look for anything you have posted in the past few days!...

Awww Meggie as I read your post I starting thinking about my stomach. I'm scheduled for surgery on 6/7/11. I keep thinking to myself, is this the right thing to do? Is this really an easy way out as some have suggested? Then I thought about my poor stomach that has always done right by me. Too right apparently otherwise I wouldn't be in this dilemma. I thought about what Crosswind just said about giving the rest of our bodies a break following some much needed weight loss. My poor feet hurt everyday as I stand and walk at work as does my back and knees. My body has tried so hard to keep me going and what have I done to say Thank you....I've just continued to stuff it with food. I'm so glad that you had the realization that you did for it has helped me too. I too will be having a serious talk with my entire body, asking for forgiveness and asking for it to please help me as I try to make things right. Good luck with your surgery, I know you'll do great and I look forward to reading your posts post op.

Thank you for the encouragement. Knowing my husband the photographer I will probably be You Tubing from the hospital ;-P

[ginajeans 4]

Meggie, I am so excited for you. Thank you for sharing your journey here and on You Tube. I am rooting for you!

Best Wishes,

Gina

[****** 12]

Meggie:

It's amazing the gamut of emotions we go through pre and post surgery. Pre we're scared, excited, and, more than a little apprehensive that we've "suddenly" discovered the answer to our lifelong question. Who did I piss off in the universe to deserve THIS particular body -- a body that is so out of sync with the rest of the world and our own psyche that we could never, ever get control over its density. Looking around at family, friends and strangers and wondering how they could be thin or healthy weights without any effort. And, to add insult to injury, commenting on their ability to eat whatever they want and never gain -- or worse, bemoaning the fact that they can't gain weight. It has made life seem so incredibly unfair. We didn't ask for these bodies -- just the luck of the draw, and all the good cards were gone before our turn to pick. It's frustrating and the source of incredibly vicious anger that makes us look ourselves in the face and point that acusing finger....you're fat, lazy, unmotivated -- you don't really want to lose weight or you would without having to resort to mutilating yourself. Yet, if our appendix burst, we wouldn't think twice about rippin' that sucker out -- we'd do it to save our lives. I finally reached a point where I realized that while I have control over what goes into my body, I have NO control over what happens to it once that substance is IN my body. I cannot direct nutrients in the bloodstream, I cannot call up insulin and tell it to take a sabbatical or give my fat cells notice that their services are no longer needed. It operates as it was designed and somewhere along the way (without my direct intervention) broke down.

I was not able to keep my spine from deteriorating, my hip from failing, my pelvis from breaking, or my hair from graying. I have never had a choice or control over the color of my eyes, or any other genetic crap shoot that made me uniquely me. And, unfortunately for me, I was never able to keep any weight off or even maintain any weight loss. Not for lack of trying, just a losing battle at losing.

Post op, the fears are different. Did I really have to do this drastic thing, could I have given it one more college dropout try? Will I be able to finally reach my ideal weight and maintain it? Can I unlearn all of the bad habits related to food and eating that I've acquired over a lifetime? Will I lose me in the process of losing fat? (Crazy thoughts, maybe, but seemingly valid at the fear trigger point.)

For me, the way to get through this jumble of emotions I've discerned the following:

I've done this to save and extend my life to the best of my ability and with something within my control.

I didn't gain the excess weight in one year -- I've been fighting this for over 50. So, however long it takes is however long it takes. The difference is that this time I'm fully cognizant and armed to win the fight. The sleeve is my weapon of choice. It won't work without the ammo -- the right food in the right amounts at the right time.

It's just food, it's not good and it's not bad -- it's just food.

Who I am is not what the scale says, the scale is just a different weapon in the arsenal to help me keep watch.

Finally, (sorry for the length) I got to the point where I knew I couldn't live like I had for the last 50 years for one more minute -- no matter what the next minute brought.

You can and will do this and be successful. You'll be successful because you know what pain is, real pain, and this is the tool that will help you alleviate or even eliminate the pain.

Sending you hugs and prayers for a successful surgery, a miraculous recovery and a complete restoration to perfect health!

Empress

[MrsPositive 5]

Wow!! This whole thread is amazing and my thoughts exactly. Thanks to everyone and we will pray for you tomorrow!!

[Michelle Cicerello 6]

Meggie - I am there with ya girl, I was at one point today feeling kinda sad because at this time tomorrow, I will not have all of my stomach anymore... it was kinda sad.... This is for the best. I was told at one of the meetings with my surgeon that we will have a mourning time, we will mourn the loss of the foods we once ate, and the loss of all the weight, seemed kinda weird to me at the time, but now that I am going through it, it really makes sense -

Keep your chin up, we can make it, were tough and we deserve it!!

[lkcraig316 4]

Best wishes tomorrow, meggiep! You will do great and your other body parts will be thankful for what you have done. Please let us know how you are doing as soon as you feel up to it.

Lisa

[MeMeMEEE 206]

the whole stomach chat is great but maybe she is excited that you are removing alot of her? like she herself is having a Tummy Tuck - I can see it now, she will be sleek and skinny!!

[Douceur72 3]

This is such a fabulous thread...I'm going to read it again before my surgery. thanks Meg for opening it up and for all of the thougtful responders. Everything you guys wrote makes perfect sense and it helped me feel a little more at peace with my decision. Best wishes for you tomorrow Meg!

[Caliblonde 25]

Good luck tomorrow!

[imawhodat 3]

Best of luck tomorrow! Hope you have a speedy recovery! I'll be watching for your updates

[meggiep 57]

Wow- Empress- I wont qu\ote you but you really helped me too! Figures- you and Crosswind the auteurs. ;-P

Thank you all for the love and support.

I am showered and almost ready to drive to the hospital- seems surreal!

See you all on the Loser's Bench!