Marriage on the Rocks?

[saul 0]

So I was banded a few months ago and I have now lost over 55 lbs I work out every day and fit into "human size" clothes. OK I look damn good! At least thats what everyone tells me, that is everyone except my wife. Things are going down hill for us, the lighter I get the heavier she gets. The lighter I get the more my eye wanders.

Is anyone elses marriage on the rocks?

[Woodys 0]

Why is your eye wandering Saul.....she was good enough for you before you were banded. She stuck with you when you grew bigger.

Carol

[lizzilo 0]

Hi Saul,

I'm not married. But.... that's become one of my criteria. I was seeing this guy fairly casually (not willing to commit to him) and one of my reasons for breaking up with him is because he's heavy and doesn't seem to care. I'm working really hard to become a new improved me. It's kindof selfish, kindof superficial, but definitely the truth.

Your problem is that whole for better for worse thing.... hmmm.... no real advice, but i can see your problem. Have you tried talking to her about the issue? Will she consider getting banded?

[BPM 0]

I agree...the way you posted this makes you sound like an ass.

You may not have meant it the way it sounds but that's the way I took it....and I too am a guy.

[lisah25 3]

So I was banded a few months ago and I have now lost over 55 lbs I work out every day and fit into "human size" clothes. OK I look damn good! At least thats what everyone tells me, that is everyone except my wife. Things are going down hill for us, the lighter I get the heavier she gets. The lighter I get the more my eye wanders.

Is anyone elses marriage on the rocks?

This was actually one of my fears when DH got banded. And yes, it's changed the dynamics of our marriage. I'm now the bigger one, the one who gets tired first and wants to do less. And yes, having other women tell him, and me for that matter, that he's really cute is great for him, and I'm happy for him, but in the back of my mind I wonder. He is great, he's made it very clear that he loves me and isn't thinking of looking around any more then he was before.

He's also made it clear that the only reason he supports my being banded is so that I feel better and we are healthier together. I know he'd like me to be smaller, but he's not said anything about it.

Have you considered getting some counseling to deal with the changes as a couple? Is your wife overweight?

[saul 0]

My wife is not overweight but she is not the 90lb ballerina she was when i met her 22 years ago. Sorry for sounding like an "ass", but I sincerely would like to hear from other couples who may have had similiar feelings.

As far as the eye wandering thing is concerned....i always say that just because your on a diet does not mean you can't look at the menu. Only this time the items on the menu are actually taking notice of me as well. Its a NSV for me...thats just the way i feel about it....sorry for sounding like an ass I just want to be truthful.

[lisah25 3]

My wife is not overweight but she is not the 90lb ballerina she was when i met her 22 years ago. Sorry for sounding like an "ass", but I sincerely would like to hear from other couples who may have had similiar feelings.

As far as the eye wandering thing is concerned....i always say that just because your on a diet does not mean you can't look at the menu. Only this time the items on the menu are actually taking notice of me as well. Its a NSV for me...thats just the way i feel about it....sorry for sounding like an ass I just want to be truthful.

I think you have a lot of power in this situation. By that I mean how you act is of course going to affect her. A second glance is one thing. A double-take is something different. I don't think married people have to give up looking, but show some respect to her when you do.

And as others have pointed out, remember that she's the one who was there for you all these 22 years, when some of those other menu items couldn't be bothered.

[beachgirl 2]

Oh Lord,

You sound like my husband, I've heard him say a million times, "it doesn't matter where you get your appetite at as long as you eat at home".

I just don't think anyone big or small should judge the other. Maybe there is only enough money for one surgery, maybe one is too scared of surgery but no one, no one should ever be judged. I was small 85% of my life and I got looks but boy when I got big the looks sure stopped but my husband still says to this day how good he thinks I look. If it were up to him I wouldn't need anything done. But for my health and for me to feel good again this is the only option.

If I were a bean pole again, of course the looks would stroke your ego but it will end there. I don't want my eyes to wander nor his. Course, we've been married for 24 1/2 years.

Sherri

[Woodys 0]

In that case Saul, I would say that your marriage has always been in trouble....if you truly loved your wife, it would not mean a hill of Beans except simple flattery that some women may be exchanging looks with you. And so what if she isn't the petite little ballerina that you married...big f***** deal, are you the same man she married?

All I can say is......Shame on you!

Carol

[MelodyJ 0]

Saul--

You

[MelodyJ 0]

Saul--

You sound like an honest guy that is blunt! I like that men just state the facts and don't go for flattery always. We, women, like the gushy stuff!!

Romance your wife....make her feel beautiful again!! You committed to her 22 years ago and I'm impressed that you are together in this day and age!! Don't take the easy out and let your eyes wonder....reassure her what she means too you!!!!! She is probably feeling a little insecure w/ your new found confidence....let her know what she means to you!!! FIGHT for your marriage...these young ones may look good....but not many will "stick"...you won't have the same kind of committment you have had thus far!!!!

Consider counselling if necessary.....talk to her....she can't read your mind and you can't read hers!!! I will be praying for you and she and I pray you choose each other!!!!

God Bless,

Melody

Banded 3/20/06 -52lbs

[Dianechef 3]

I am married. I have lost 65 lbs & have had more attention from men then I ever had in my life. My husband has gained some weight.

However, I would NEVER consider letting my eyes wander for one second. Take care of your wife & let her know how much you love her, no matter what size she is. She is probably feeling a little insecure. I would be too!! Show her how much you LOVE her & I gaurantee your marriage will improve BIG TIME!!

[Alexandra 55]

Saul, this is not an uncommon thing you're going through. When our looks change so do many other things. My question to you is this: was your marriage based on looks? If it was, then it's a miracle it lasted this long. So I'm assuming it wasn't.

Don't do anything rash. There is definitely a pink cloud that comes along with weight loss, and the whole world looks different, for a while. After a while you realize that though you lost weight, you're still YOU with all that entails. And if you've made immense changes in your life based on a momentary flight of fancy, now you'll have to live with them for good or ill.

Give it time. Losing (or gaining) weight is nothing to break up a marriage over. Looks from other people mean only that you look better to them than you did before--it says absolutely nothing about your worth as a person or your value as a husband. Be careful not to confuse the issues.

A 22-year relationship is nothing to toss away lightly. Take it slow.

[NeenBand 7]

I think some of you need to chill out. This guy came in here to discuss the problem, try not to be so judgmental.

ANyway, to give you advice and not to call you names, I'd like to say this is actually quite common. In fact, my counselor brought up the fact that changes in body image, and bariatric surgery will either make a strong marriage stronger, or be the flame that brings to light a marriage's weaknesses. I would defo suggest counseling. It sounds like things may have gotten stagnant in your marriage, you have grown apart on some level, lack emotional intimacy or all of the above.

Also, many times when people are heavy our self esteem is in the tubes so feeling good about ourselves allows us to take steps we might not have done before, like getting out of a unfulfilling relationship. Also, when we are heavy, it can feel safe to an insecure partner, and seeing us look good and becoming more social is a threat to that.

In any case, your in some dangerous waters and if you'd like to keep the relationship, seek out some help with it.

Best of luck.

[LapBandit 5]

When one partner make a life-altering change it can feel scary to the other partner. I think your wife is probably well-aware that you're life is changing and that is probably pretty darn scary. She may be feeling insecure. Perhaps you can try to *nicely* encourage her to join you in your new health habits that way you two are doing it together for your futures together. Just a thought.