HONESTY, GUILT AND SUBMISSION

[TEXAS DIVA 10]

Hello Everyone: im gonna try to keep this topic brief.. I know I get long winded. I really want to express

how I am feeling because I need HELP! In a bad way.. If you guys can give me input and feed back I would really appreciate it.. Im on the verge of going to see a counselor because I really cant understand what I am going thru.. Please be patient with me.. Just typing this post, Im getting teary-eyed (I now understand the importance of pre surgical psychological evals)

HONESTY: I feel like I cant be honest with the friends and family that know I have had wls because people are so judgemental and no one was supportive of my wls to begin with. I want to be totally honest with you guys. I am 19 days post op and beginning with day 8, I have really not done well. One night, no lie, I literally was sleep walking into my pantry and opened/tried to eat a snack size bag of lays potatoe chips. Its like I was dreaming because I woke from a sound sleep and did this.. used to do this pre surgery.. Well, I was able to get the some of the chips down and I couldnt beleive they went down, once I realized what I had done.. I immediately threw up.. dont know if I did it on purpose or if it was reflex/reflux. While fully awake, on different occasions, I have tried to eat some chopped hamburger patty, I have tried to eat the topping from pizza and I even tried to eat the meat and cheese from the inside of a philly cheese sandwich. Well of course, none of it when it down and all three times it was followed by episodes of vomitting.. WHO DOES THIS? I just dont know what is wrong with me.. Its like following this post op diet is impossible.. WHY WHEN I KNOW I CANT EAT REGULAR food???

GUILT: On all four of the occasions where I have screwed up.. I have literally cried myself to sleep.. I feel like a complete failure.. I feel guilty ALL THE TIME because I didnt think I was this type of person.. I MEAN REALLY WHO CHEATS ON THE POST OP? I was able to stick to the pre op diet WITH ABSOLUTELY NO CHEATING WHATSOEVER. Now, I cant even make a 4 week post op diet? The only thing, aside from Soup, broth and baby food that goes down and stays down is this ice cream by Blue Bell, it has no sugar and very few carbs. But, even after eating maybe 5 teaspoons, GUILT SETS IN AGAIN cause who has wls and eats ice cream? After taking this trip to war torn Mexico by myself, enduring an invasive surgery, 72 hours of post op hell not to mention the THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS I SPENT AS A CASH PATIENT, i just cant believe I would be this weak and jeopardize everything.. I didnt realize my addiction to food was this bad.. I FEEL LIKE THE BIGGEST LOSER OF ALL TIME,.. how ironic, the wrong kind of loser. Oh, now all of a sudden, I hate looking at myself in the mirror, partly because of guilt. Even though I know I have lost (threw the scale out on day 9) because my clothes are FALLING OFF, I just cant stand the site of my own image and even pre surgery, I loved to look at myself. I dont know where this self hatred is coming from, other than guilt of not following this pre op diet.

SUBMISSION: I am a believer and I pray on and about EVERYTHING. I have asked God why I am weak now, of all times, when I have had to be so strong my whole entire life. I wake up every morning wondering if im still "plicated".. I see other people eat, though I have not had ANY hunger since the surgery, and I realize that I will never be able to "enjoy" food again the way I used to but, I do know my "enjoyment" of food got me into this mess.. so, I get sad, just thinking that I will be on mushies FOREVER.. at this point, I cant even see me ever being able to eat regular food, even in tiny amounts because it hurts so bad and Im tired of throwing up.. so.. ACCEPTANCE AND SUBMISSION to the surgery is what has come up in my spirit after really praying and meditating on the subject. I guess to ACCEPT the fact that my life has changed forever and SUBMIT to the surgery.. meaning just realize that this sewed up stomach has the upper hand and this is just how my life is going to be..

If anyone here can relate to any of this, please let me know.. I dont have anyone to talk to that can remotely understand. I really dont want to spend the money on a therapist after taking so much from my savings for the surgery but I feel totally alone and I need to talk to someone.. If you dont want to share in front of anyone in the open on this topic, please send me a private message. I really need the help of anyone who understands cause I am starting to believe that I AM LOSING IT.. Right now, trying to heal my body, mind and spirit, I just cant afford to be falling apart like this.

Thanks in advance for your help. Thanks for tolerating my long post.

Texas-not feeling like a-DIVA

[swizzly 901]

Oh sweetie, you have to give yourself some unconditional love. You are going through the usual post-op roller-coaster and you are smart, so you are putting reasons and meaning behind it all...when really it's just excess hormones and blood sugar fluctuations. And yeah, some mourning for food -- but that you can rationalise, it's not forever. It's just on hold for a while and will always be in smaller amounts.

You can get through this. Give yourself some mental hugs and forgive yourself. You need to roll with the punches...not give yourself some more!!

[leeblewb 9]

Diva,

First of all I would recommend you need to cut yourself some slack. You are right, it is not good to be cheating on the post op diet. Mainly because you don't want to mess up your staple lines. You can't expect yourself to be suddenly able to not have food issues just because you are no longer hungry. It does really help, but it does not instantly fix all our food issues. I still think about food. A lot. I just now if I really feel the need for something, I can only eat a little bit of it. My hubby brought home a cupcake yesterday. Sugar has always been a really biggie for me. I had two little bites of the cupcake and he ate the rest of it. I could feel bad about it, but why. I have lost 50 pounds and am loosing more every week. I used to would have eaten 2 cupcake instead of 2 little bites. That is not something to feel bad about , in my opinion. Should I eat sugar on a regular basis, no. Will it really hurt to occasionally have a small amount, again no.

You are going to have to figure out how to quit being so hard on yourself. It will be much easier when you can eat regular food. You can look forward to meals and cooking. You will just eat a tiny amount. There are so many good things you will be able to eat guilt free in another couple of weeks. Try to hand in there and be proud of how far you have come. You have taken your issues into your hands and done something about it. That is something to be proud of.

[KellyL 173]

I'm so sorry things are so rough for you right now. I can we can all relate on a certain level I mean we're all possibly at different stages, and perhaps even slightly different procedures, but we are all here for the same reason. We're trying to lose weight and become healthy.

You have the support of this board always, and if this continues you may want to seek counseling. I think OA overeaters anonymous is still around and it used to be free, but i haven't checked on it in a while.

The first thing I would do is remove all temptations. And understand these emotions you are feeling is common for this soon post-op. Your hormones are likely imbalanced right now. It takes time to adjust. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

[TEXAS DIVA 10]

SWIZZLY, KELLYL AND LEEBLEWB..THANK YOU SOOOOO VERY MUCH FOR YOUR RESPONSE. I GUESS SOMETIMES IT JUST NICE TO HEAR ENCOURAGEMENT AND KIND WORDS. IVE BEEN SEARCHING THROUGH OLD POSTS AND IVE NOTICED THAT OTHERS HAVE FELT SIMILAR TO WHAT I AM GOING THRU.. ITS NICE TO KNOW THAT IM NOT THE ONLY ONE. YOUR WORDS OF ENCOURAGMENT MEAN THE WORLD TO ME. GOD BLESS YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME FROM YOUR SCHEDULES JUST TO RESPOND.. ONE MILLION THANKS!

[chilo1 62]

Diva I did some cheating post-op as well. Atabout 2 weeks I ate a few bites of nachos, chewed to death and didn't even throw up afterwards. I also licked the icing off my baby's baptism cake. I felt like you after that, the guilt about all the money spent, etc etc and I stopped doing it! You will be able to eat all those things that you crave in small portions when you're a bit further out, so don't worry! The important thing is you realised what you were doing wrong and you are willing to change your behaviour, if I could do it so can you

[TEXAS DIVA 10]

Diva I did some cheating post-op as well. Atabout 2 weeks I ate a few bites of nachos, chewed to death and didn't even throw up afterwards. I also licked the icing off my baby's baptism cake. I felt like you after that, the guilt about all the money spent, etc etc and I stopped doing it! You will be able to eat all those things that you crave in small portions when you're a bit further out, so don't worry! The important thing is you realised what you were doing wrong and you are willing to change your behaviour, if I could do it so can you

Thanks for responding Chilo1.. Im glad to know that I am not the only one who cheated on the post op diet.. just makes me feel a bit more normal.. baby's baptism cake huh? well Im here to tell you that I am a sucker for some "butter cream icing" ... its just not safe around me..I can skip the cake, but the icing.. well, Im sure you know what I mean!... Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. There are some wonderful people on this board.. you being one of them... Thank God for you all!

[genepha 47]

Diva,

First I'm sorry that you are going through this. In all honesty, I think it's pretty normal. I was pretty weepy and emotional the first 3-4 weeks. Then I hit a stall and was super bummed and started questioning myself and the surgery. This is my 3rd surgery so I am a bit more experienced but I still went through some of these things.

As far as following the post-op diet I think you are on a pretty strict diet. I was allowed mushy meats and foods at around 3-4 weeks and I definitely started feeling better after that. I haven't really eaten anything that wasn't allowed but I have definitely over-eaten and grazed more than I "should" have. I think that we need to remember that we've had surgery to become healthy - healthy people eat "junk" on occasion and take small tastes of high calorie food. That will be okay eventually. In the meantime, make sure that you have healed and that you are thinking about what you are eating before you eat. I have found that pre-planning my food has helped but I still go off the rails every once in a while. No one is perfect, give yourself lots of credit for taking the steps you already have. You may want to try to find a WLS support group in your area. Although you most likely won't find anyone who's had plication, you may find people who are going through similar things.

Take care of yourself! Go on a walk and take a deep breath

[TEXAS DIVA 10]

Diva,

First I'm sorry that you are going through this. In all honesty, I think it's pretty normal. I was pretty weepy and emotional the first 3-4 weeks. Then I hit a stall and was super bummed and started questioning myself and the surgery. This is my 3rd surgery so I am a bit more experienced but I still went through some of these things.

As far as following the post-op diet I think you are on a pretty strict diet. I was allowed mushy meats and foods at around 3-4 weeks and I definitely started feeling better after that. I haven't really eaten anything that wasn't allowed but I have definitely over-eaten and grazed more than I "should" have. I think that we need to remember that we've had surgery to become healthy - healthy people eat "junk" on occasion and take small tastes of high calorie food. That will be okay eventually. In the meantime, make sure that you have healed and that you are thinking about what you are eating before you eat. I have found that pre-planning my food has helped but I still go off the rails every once in a while. No one is perfect, give yourself lots of credit for taking the steps you already have. You may want to try to find a WLS support group in your area. Although you most likely won't find anyone who's had plication, you may find people who are going through similar things.

Take care of yourself! Go on a walk and take a deep breath

THANK YOU GENEPHA! You always have the best things to say. Im an emotional wreck, I know. Also realized that I am approaching "that time of the month" as well. I really appreciate you taking time to give me encouraging words. Im trying not to be so hard on myself.. I just dont want to be a failure.. But, you guys are right.. Just taking the the steps to save my money and do something about my situation has got to count for something. A million thanks!

[Lmom1980 29]

Stay strong and don't be too hard on yourself. You will do fine.

[Alex Brecher 10,512]

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