wife is not supportive at all (long)

[Valentina 2,642]

I think that your wife needs to move in with my SO. If you would, please read my note under the post,"Where is the support?" I know what you are going through and how "alone" you can feel at times. I am willing to "hold hands" with you if you are willing to do the same to get each of us through what we feel we have to do to be healthy again. I love my

SO as you say you do your wife, but for their own reasons they just can't reach down and support us in this decision. --and I HAVE decided to have my sleeve. My surgery date is June 6th. I need a support buddy and it sounds like you can use one too. Who knows? By having each other to talk to it just might loosen their "choking" concerns, allow them to relax and be more supportive. Whatcha think? Good luck and good health, Valentina

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She is very anti surgery. She is overweight herself and keeps begging me to do another "traditional" diet with her. We have dieted ourselves up to 350+ pounds and just end up sabotaging each other. I also told her when is the last time you saw someone lose 200 lbs on a traditional diet and keep it off? It is exceedingly rare. Diets are great if you need to take off 30-40 pounds and are reasonably in shape otherwise. Not when you are morbidly obese and feel sick/tired constantly.

She said she is terrifed of losing me and she is very anti surgery. I was also until about Oct 2010 when I hit a wall so to speak.....tired, sick, uncomfortable...all the time. It was like I hit rock bottom health wise. I changed my tune and researched surgical options (all I knew about was RNY). She won't read the books, web sites, journals, etc that I show her how people have done so well on the sleeve and that is a reasonably safe procedure.

I'm just at my wits end.....I love her to death but she feels like I am being selfish and said that it is now all about ME and now about us anymore and how would I feel making my daughter fatherless? I almost feel like she just doesn't want me to change but I don't know. She said everything is too fast for her. I actually wish she would change her tune on it because the sleeve would help her infinitely as well.

Any advice out there? I know I am making her sound like a demon but she normally is extremely supportive but her attitude about this is very strange. She cries when I ever mention it, doesn't want to talk, and I have given her tons of info to read on her own and she hasn't touched it.

Any advice or words of wisdom? I don't know if I can sacrifice my marriage over this.

[NtvTxn 1,262]

My guess is she IS feeling very threatened by you having this surgery. You need to do this for you and hopefully she will follow suit when she sees how it changes your life. Is she scared of having surgery herself? It will so make a difference in your health and in your life in general. You will not believe it. Good luck!

She is very anti surgery. She is overweight herself and keeps begging me to do another "traditional" diet with her. We have dieted ourselves up to 350+ pounds and just end up sabotaging each other. I also told her when is the last time you saw someone lose 200 lbs on a traditional diet and keep it off? It is exceedingly rare. Diets are great if you need to take off 30-40 pounds and are reasonably in shape otherwise. Not when you are morbidly obese and feel sick/tired constantly.

She said she is terrifed of losing me and she is very anti surgery. I was also until about Oct 2010 when I hit a wall so to speak.....tired, sick, uncomfortable...all the time. It was like I hit rock bottom health wise. I changed my tune and researched surgical options (all I knew about was RNY). She won't read the books, web sites, journals, etc that I show her how people have done so well on the sleeve and that is a reasonably safe procedure.

I'm just at my wits end.....I love her to death but she feels like I am being selfish and said that it is now all about ME and now about us anymore and how would I feel making my daughter fatherless? I almost feel like she just doesn't want me to change but I don't know. She said everything is too fast for her. I actually wish she would change her tune on it because the sleeve would help her infinitely as well.

Any advice out there? I know I am making her sound like a demon but she normally is extremely supportive but her attitude about this is very strange. She cries when I ever mention it, doesn't want to talk, and I have given her tons of info to read on her own and she hasn't touched it.

Any advice or words of wisdom? I don't know if I can sacrifice my marriage over this.

[NtvTxn 1,262]

OMG - your husband is sabotaging you! Even if he is thin and hasn't gone through any weight related issues, he should respect your request and "work" with you. I would throw away donuts every single time (I am serious as a heart attack) he brought them into the house. Every donut. None would stay. I have NO problem tossing food in the trash or down the disposal. If it isn't here, it isn't a temptation. He will get the message or not.....either way they're gone. If he gets mad about it, he can get happy in the same pants he got mad in. I would ask him if he likes you sick, if he's trying to kill you.

I understand how hard it is, but I understand what ur going through. I have not had the sleeve yet, but I am scheduled for june 13th. My husband is from another country. He is thin as a rail, and understands NOTHING about weight, health, and weight related issues. He works at a donut shop, and brings home stuff every day, even if I ask him not to. I love my husband dearly, but he just doesn't understand! I am sick of it all, with every ailment in the book, and have had 16 abdominal surgeries in the last 10 yrs due to complications with the weight (hernias/bowel obstructions, etc..). When I went to the seminar, I asked the surgeon who was speaking, if they ever did surgery on a person who had every co-mobility listed on the chart we were looking at. In any event, I personally decided. I will take one last chance, and u know what? I will do it all alone, and thats how u have to look at it in my opinion. If this is affecting u and ur family at this point, and u have had it, it's time to do something about it! Dont wait any longer like I did, till (god forbid), more things happen. You have a daughter that will be looking forward to having a father in her life for the rest of her life. I have a 12 yr old to continue raising, and I just have to be here for him, unless it's the will of the good man upstairs, then, i'll have no choice, but ultimately, u have to do whats good for u at this point, and hopefully after all is well and done, she will come around, and stand by ur side. Good luck to u, and be strong. Do what u have to do for yourself, cause ultimately it will benefit all of u. I never learned that lesson, and thats y im in the situation im in now. Prayers ur way Again Good Luck

[Day Dreamer 23]

Hey guys,

I am in the same boat. My hubby seemed supportive to an extent. Now he wont speak about my surgery. He is giving me a hard time about having to drive me to / from the hospital - even for my EGD this week. To top is off, he announced last week that he is going on a low carb diet. --> After he mocked me for saying I had to do low carb post op. He has started exercising and is already losing weight.

I have to wonder if our spouses are threatened??? Do they think we will get skinny/sexy and leave them? Are they worried about people hitting on us?? NEWS FLASH - men hit on me all the time LOL AND I was skinny when I married my hubby. He should not be nervous about my weight loss. Also, I have to wonder what motivates them not to be supportive: jealousy, insecurity or envy? My hubby isn't obese; he is barely overweight. Why should our spouses be this way? I just don't get it...

Eh..

[camellia 0]

Hi guys. This is my first post, but I've been reading for two months. I go to my first info session at my surgeon's tonight and my husband is......being an asshole. I am 55, have htn, sleep apnea, gerd, and now have knee pain so bad I have to take stairs one at a time and my lower back keeps me from gardening this spring like I love, which is breaking my heart. He is normal weight, and thinks I'm being totally extreme b/c my bmi is "only 36." I'm very hurt that he doesn't seem to care that this will make me healthier and probably keep me from an early cardiac death, which is the only reason I'm doing it. For me, vanity isn't even in the picture. I can't figure out why this is so threatening to him. Plus, even if it is, what does it mean for our relationship that he can't even talk to me about the issue? How do I try to gently support him with his fears if he won't even talk about it? What a wonderful thing it is to live in 2011 though when we have the internet and the ability to reach out to supportive people like you all on this board. Any words of wisdom for me?

[NtvTxn 1,262]

Hi Camellia - welcome to our little corner of the world!! I don't know what to tell you. My husband was at first apprehensive because I was perfectly healthy. No problems at all and he didn't understand why I would risk that. I call it 'preventive maintenence insurance' - and yes, vanity comes into it a little. Once he saw I was serious and saw all the reserach I'd done and I explained it step by step, he was on board and was my cheerleader.

I was predestined to be fat....my dad's sisters are all overweight....275 - 350 lbs. I fought to maintain at 225'ish. I'd dieted for 30 years, lost and gained on every diet around. Taken diet pills....all the things many of us have tried.

I love my sleeve. My BMI was 36, low really. I wanted to lose 55 - 60 lbs. I underestimated what I could do with this tool. I have lost 90 - 93 lbs. I go up and down a few lbs. I feel great, I have a blast shopping for the first time in my life. I had an easy time, it's been disgustingly easy for me. I totally followed the doctor's plan. I had ups and downs, but that's normal. I never had a moment of buyer's remorse. I'm 51, and 5' 6".

Tell him sex will rock......like he won't believe....your self esteem with soar!!! You will be shocked at how your life will change! It will take a while for your head to catch up to what your surgeon does to your tummy! Good luck....just make him understand that you are doing this for you, and his support means the world to you. Tell him you want to be around and be healthy for him for many years to come.

Hi guys. This is my first post, but I've been reading for two months. I go to my first info session at my surgeon's tonight and my husband is......being an asshole. I am 55, have htn, sleep apnea, gerd, and now have knee pain so bad I have to take stairs one at a time and my lower back keeps me from gardening this spring like I love, which is breaking my heart. He is normal weight, and thinks I'm being totally extreme b/c my bmi is "only 36." I'm very hurt that he doesn't seem to care that this will make me healthier and probably keep me from an early cardiac death, which is the only reason I'm doing it. For me, vanity isn't even in the picture. I can't figure out why this is so threatening to him. Plus, even if it is, what does it mean for our relationship that he can't even talk to me about the issue? How do I try to gently support him with his fears if he won't even talk about it? What a wonderful thing it is to live in 2011 though when we have the internet and the ability to reach out to supportive people like you all on this board. Any words of wisdom for me?

[NtvTxn 1,262]

One more thing........had my husband not gotten on board, I'd have told him, "support would be appreciated, permission is NOT required". 'Nuff said.

[Valentina 2,642]

I had a total knee replacement in March. I will tell you what my surgeon told me right up front is true--"Knee replacement surgery is one of the most painful surgeries a person can have". I am still in P.T. and am still taking the stairs one at a time. My osteoarthritis had eaten my knee and my weight made is so much worse that there was no other option except to replace. Do Whatever you have to do NOT to have to have a knee replaced. That was the final straw for me. If I want to save my other knee, hips, etc, I HAVE to get this weight off of my joints.

Like you, my SO is of no support. He is over 350# himself, and is clinically depressed. I don't think he is at a place where he can cope with his own weight, not to even speak of mine. I figure I have to do what I have to do to get healthy, then maybe, just maybe I can help him is some way to be happy again. That's my dream and I'm sticking to it!!!

Hi guys. This is my first post, but I've been reading for two months. I go to my first info session at my surgeon's tonight and my husband is......being an asshole. I am 55, have htn, sleep apnea, gerd, and now have knee pain so bad I have to take stairs one at a time and my lower back keeps me from gardening this spring like I love, which is breaking my heart. He is normal weight, and thinks I'm being totally extreme b/c my bmi is "only 36." I'm very hurt that he doesn't seem to care that this will make me healthier and probably keep me from an early cardiac death, which is the only reason I'm doing it. For me, vanity isn't even in the picture. I can't figure out why this is so threatening to him. Plus, even if it is, what does it mean for our relationship that he can't even talk to me about the issue? How do I try to gently support him with his fears if he won't even talk about it? What a wonderful thing it is to live in 2011 though when we have the internet and the ability to reach out to supportive people like you all on this board. Any words of wisdom for me?