wife is not supportive at all (long)

[Gayle 9]

I am having the same problem with my Fiance. He is being so stubborn. He thinks I won't succeed and that I never tried hard enough. He is upset that I made this decision for myself and by myself, he thinks he should have a say in it. I understand that we are in a partnership here and should make decisions together, but this is my body and my health and I think it really is my decision to make. So I was very frank with him. I told him that this was something I had to do for myself and that I'm sorry that he doesn't agree with it, but I promised that it would make our lives better and he would be so much happier when it's done. I told him that I really needed his support on this. He decided to back down and just support me. I think you need to just be honest with your wife and tell her you need her support and will be sad, but okay if you don't have it.

[Brian66 85]

Doggz109,

I am so sorry that your wife is not being more supportive. My wife died in 2007 at the age of 41 after battling cancer for two and half years. I often wonder what she would have thought about my decision to have this surgery. She battled her weight for much of her adult life. She was a wonderful, kind and loving wife, but I often wonder if their would have been some fear/resentment/apprehension on her part at my decision to have this surgery. Now that I've lost 115 pounds, I am sure she would have been thrilled with the results, although I wonder if she would recognize me as I am thinner now than I ever have been as an adult!

I will tell you that as the sole parent of my three children, I had some very serious concerns about the safety of the procedure and the risk of leaving them orphans. Ultimately, I decided that the risk of dying slowly from my obesity related health issues was much greater than the risk of having the surgery. I did an awful lot of research and got very comfortable with my doctor and the hospital. I would encourage you to do the same. At the end of the day, I felt like I was taking this step as much for my kids as I was for myself. I want to dance at their weddings and to hold my grandchildren some day and I view this surgery as a way of helping to make sure that these things happen.

At the end of the day, as much as you love your wife, you've got to do what is best for you. Keep reminding your wife that you are doing this for her and your daughter as much as yourself

Good luck and God bless,

Brian

[MRSKOUBiK 27]

It sounds like she's just afraid.

If she needs someone to talk to, message me. I'll give you my number. I'm almost three months post op and have had NO complications. I love my sleeve.

Sadly enough, at the end of the day you have to do what's right for YOU. Your health is very important .. so do what you think is right.

Hopefully she will come around!

[BajaMedGroup 6]

Hi, these cases are more common than you would expect. When both husband and wife are overweight we usually recommend talking to other couples that have had the procedure. This usually relieves some of the anxiety that comes along with undergoing any procedure in general. In addition, counseling can also help relieve anxiety or negative thoughts your wife might have. It seems she is really concerned for you health.

You should try to be objective about this. Show her statistics about the type of surgery you are undergoing. Also, explain to her that being obese is a risk factor itself for many illnesses. The vertical sleeve is a very safe procedure. We have performed hundreds of these, with a very good success rate. Up to this point we have not had a fatality and we hope to keep that streak going. Check out videos, blogs, commentaries, etc. The more information you give her the more likely she will support you, and who knows...she might want one herself.

The point I try to get across any of my patients is that any surgery involves a CONTROLLED risk...just like driving to work every day. I tell them that it is perfectly normal to feel nervous and anxious. The truth of the matter is that we are all experienced physicians that want to help YOU reach your goal. You're headed down the right path my friend...stay persistent and the dividends will pay off!

Best,

JSA

jorge.serrano@bajamedgroup.com

www.bajamedgroup.com

She is very anti surgery. She is overweight herself and keeps begging me to do another "traditional" diet with her. We have dieted ourselves up to 350+ pounds and just end up sabotaging each other. I also told her when is the last time you saw someone lose 200 lbs on a traditional diet and keep it off? It is exceedingly rare. Diets are great if you need to take off 30-40 pounds and are reasonably in shape otherwise. Not when you are morbidly obese and feel sick/tired constantly.

She said she is terrifed of losing me and she is very anti surgery. I was also until about Oct 2010 when I hit a wall so to speak.....tired, sick, uncomfortable...all the time. It was like I hit rock bottom health wise. I changed my tune and researched surgical options (all I knew about was RNY). She won't read the books, web sites, journals, etc that I show her how people have done so well on the sleeve and that is a reasonably safe procedure.

I'm just at my wits end.....I love her to death but she feels like I am being selfish and said that it is now all about ME and now about us anymore and how would I feel making my daughter fatherless? I almost feel like she just doesn't want me to change but I don't know. She said everything is too fast for her. I actually wish she would change her tune on it because the sleeve would help her infinitely as well.

Any advice out there? I know I am making her sound like a demon but she normally is extremely supportive but her attitude about this is very strange. She cries when I ever mention it, doesn't want to talk, and I have given her tons of info to read on her own and she hasn't touched it.

Any advice or words of wisdom? I don't know if I can sacrifice my marriage over this.

[Lilu 65]

Well if you are ready been given this opinion sorry for repeating. Take a step back and stop trying to convince your wife to agree with your opinion. Sit her done and tell her i understand your worries because i don't want to lose you too. But if we keep this up we will lose each other. Why don't we try this diet plan together. I have tried your way lets give this a try. And go to couples counseling to help ensure her that once this change happens that you would stop loving her. It sounds like she is scared that you will not love her anymore when you lose the weight. Tat you would not find her attractive any more. I wish you the best of luck and remmind you of one thing that i am told all the time how can you take care of her if you don't take of yourself. It is about you. Take care of you so you are around to love her.

She is very anti surgery. She is overweight herself and keeps begging me to do another "traditional" diet with her. We have dieted ourselves up to 350+ pounds and just end up sabotaging each other. I also told her when is the last time you saw someone lose 200 lbs on a traditional diet and keep it off? It is exceedingly rare. Diets are great if you need to take off 30-40 pounds and are reasonably in shape otherwise. Not when you are morbidly obese and feel sick/tired constantly.

She said she is terrifed of losing me and she is very anti surgery. I was also until about Oct 2010 when I hit a wall so to speak.....tired, sick, uncomfortable...all the time. It was like I hit rock bottom health wise. I changed my tune and researched surgical options (all I knew about was RNY). She won't read the books, web sites, journals, etc that I show her how people have done so well on the sleeve and that is a reasonably safe procedure.

I'm just at my wits end.....I love her to death but she feels like I am being selfish and said that it is now all about ME and now about us anymore and how would I feel making my daughter fatherless? I almost feel like she just doesn't want me to change but I don't know. She said everything is too fast for her. I actually wish she would change her tune on it because the sleeve would help her infinitely as well.

Any advice out there? I know I am making her sound like a demon but she normally is extremely supportive but her attitude about this is very strange. She cries when I ever mention it, doesn't want to talk, and I have given her tons of info to read on her own and she hasn't touched it.

Any advice or words of wisdom? I don't know if I can sacrifice my marriage over this.

[PamelaAM 16]

I agree with Lilu above. I have a feeling that you wife is concerned that if YOU are going to this "extreme" measure to lose weight that you must not like being fat (or others that are fat!) and that if she is not ready to also commit to this that you will no longer love her. May sound silly but human nature is a funny thing. There are several couples here on the board that have both had the surgery. It is the best thing I have ever done. Even though I am at a major stall right now with 43 lbs still to go to get to a normal BMI, I am so thrilled with what I have accomplished so far. I feel like I am me again.

I will tell you though that about a month or so ago, my hubby announced that he didn't want to be the "fat guy" with me losing so much weight. He thought maybe he would have the surgery too but I actually suggested that he try Atkins first (since he has never dieted in his life!). He went on Atkins and lost 30 lbs in a month! He is so excited! Every day he is announcing new things he can do better, like tie his shoes or bend down! I have never seen him so excited! He was supportive of me from the beginning but I think when he started seeing me lose weight that he figured he'd better do something too. Of course it made NO difference to me what size he was, I just wanted him to be healthy and feel good.

I would absolutely take her to your appointments and if there are any seminars you can go to, take her to those as well. And here's my personal opinion, hoping it doesn't offend. . .if she thinks YOU are being selfish and not thinking about the kids, how selfish is it for her to remain morbidly obese and think that she is even going to be around to finish raising your kids?

[Margaret 4]

Our group has a sleeve support group that meets monthly. Several spouses have attended with future or past patients and they are very much a part of the conversations! I say take her to that group if you have one, and certainly to the surgeon's because she'll likely have to be there for the surgery unless someone else will be your support person, and then suggest counseling. I'm single and I cannot imagine being up against a spouse who hates change for the good. Best of luck to you----you're doing by far the best thing for you and your health!

Thanks for all the kind words and advice everyone. I am going to try to see if she will go with me to the first surgeons visit. Is this a good idea? Or if she is so negative will it possibly make the surgeon think twice about approving surgery for me in his office?

[carole6836 23]

Going through the same thing from my husband AND my son.

I do think that my husband's worried about the personality change and confidence that comes with weight loss and my son is just plain scared of surgeries. It is a lot for them to take in, so I would suggest that you reassure her that no matter what happens or how more handsome you become, she will always be the one. This seems to comfort my husband when his insecurities take over and I comfort him. He is slowly coming around.

Hope that helps. Cheers,

[Disney 20]

Remind her that you might also die if things stay the way they are. And if she is morbidly obese, she could also die. Now, that would be tragic for your daughter. They don't call it morbidly obese for nothing. Sorry you are having to deal with this when all you want is to make a better life for yourself and BE THERE for your family. So sad. I wish you luck with this.

[RVAGirl 2]

I went to a support group before I had the surgery and this exact subject was brought up. There were 4 people in the group that were having the same issue with their spouses. I know she's thinking that you'll lose weight and then leave her. That's actually her being selfish and not you. The comment she made about your daughter is the exact opposite. You will die much faster if you continue on the obesity path. Let's just say uhm heart attack. I'm sure you both know that the dieting wasn't working. She should want you healthy so you will be around for her and your children. It will improve all aspects of your life in love and in energy to play with your children. This surgery's not going to kill you but obesity will not to mention how many years it takes off your life. Have you tried to get her to go to a support meeting with you? Maybe if she sees your success with the surgery she might want to have it too. I am 3 weeks out and had other health problems and I'm fine. The first 3 days were rough but I never had any upset stomach. I was just sore but the nurses were awesome at giving me anything I needed for pain and nausea. The whole key is if you are in pain let them know and they'll give you something. They want you as comfortable as possible. I had read all these forums about being sick and sore so I was expecting the worse. I was shocked when I was totally fine, never threw up, and was back to norm for the most by the 4th day. I think it's more of a insecurity issue then anything and you need to stress to her how much you'll love her no matter what. I would also let her know how important it is for your success in the long term after this surgery for her support. It is horribly hard when you are on small amounts of foods and can't have the grease and pizza anymore to have to watch someone else do it in front of you. Hopefully you're whole family will learn a new lifestyle and eating habits because of this. When you go to your nutrition meeting ask her to go. It would also be beneficial after surgery to stay seeing the psych a few visits with her. I think assurance is all she needs so she'll have confidence the relationship will hold. Don't be discouraged from having this surgery, it really is the best decision for your health and I wish you well.

[Browneyedsouljah 5]

I was facing the same issue with my partner. She thought I could do this on my own. This past weekend I shared this forum site with her. let her read what she wanted, the good, bad, and the ugly. She was able to educate herself a bit and now she stands tall in my corner. Maybe you should try to share this site with your wife. Maybe she would understand and possibly seek out some information for herself. However, I would suggest you do what is best for you. If you know you need this than do it for you. Nobody walks in yours shoes but you. Takihng care of your daughter and family is taking care of yourself first!! At least thats how I feel. I wish you the best!

[mina 27]

I think counseling is definitely needed. it is sad that she won't read up about the procedure or try to understand what it is. it's hard enough dealing with your own emotions and doubts without having someone close to you adding to the burden. This is not an "elective" procedure, if it was insurances wouldn't be paying for it, it's medically necessary. I understand fear for surgery but i think her problem is more than your safety. unfortunately, there are enablers in our lives. you are changing the status quo, you won't be her eating partner anymore. we all know the saying "misery loves company". couseling, counseling, counseling. keep strong. if you've reach the point were you are miserable being morbidly obese and there's something you can do to change that then do something about it. this is for your physical and emotional health.

[MelissaAnd 3]

I understand how hard it is to have an unsupportive spouse! I have one myself, except that mine had a gastric bypass 5 years ago and actually talked me into the surgery. I chose the sleeve over the gastric bypass and he thinks I made a huge mistake. So, I understand what you are going through, but on a different level.

By far, this has been the best decision I have ever made and I stuck to it regardless of what my family thought or said. I had little support before and now, they are all amazed at my progress. I am only 7 weeks post-op, but I feel 100% better! Sometimes our loved ones fear change and don't want their simple lives to be affected. You need to do this for yourself because you are important and your health is important. Your wife will come around once she sees that you will be fine! Don't be afraid to make the journey alone, if you have to. There are so many people on here that will support you no matter what!

Best wishes and keep your chin up! Your wife knows that you love her and hopefully, she will come around and become supportive of your decision!!

[dragon 1]

It may be hard for her to verbalize her fear -- I was trying to put myself in her shoes, and I would be thinking about what your decision says about you as a couple, and about how you see her: From her view, you hate being overweight enough to HAVE YOUR STOMACH CUT OUT. She is overweight......

It has been ok, because you're in that boat together. Now, you tell her you are going to shore. Will you start feeling disgusted at her size? Impatient of physical limitations that you no longer share? What if you don't love her anymore?

If this is in her thoughts, from her view, nothing good can come of this - you can die, or live and be disgusted at her, and probably leave her for another woman. The only way to reassure her is to do it, and continue loving her; if she follows in your footsteps, great. But I can see why she would feel afraid, especially if she's sure she won't get surgery herself.

[ursieursie 1]

I understand how hard it is, but I understand what ur going through. I have not had the sleeve yet, but I am scheduled for june 13th. My husband is from another country. He is thin as a rail, and understands NOTHING about weight, health, and weight related issues. He works at a donut shop, and brings home stuff every day, even if I ask him not to. I love my husband dearly, but he just doesn't understand! I am sick of it all, with every ailment in the book, and have had 16 abdominal surgeries in the last 10 yrs due to complications with the weight (hernias/bowel obstructions, etc..). When I went to the seminar, I asked the surgeon who was speaking, if they ever did surgery on a person who had every co-mobility listed on the chart we were looking at. In any event, I personally decided. I will take one last chance, and u know what? I will do it all alone, and thats how u have to look at it in my opinion. If this is affecting u and ur family at this point, and u have had it, it's time to do something about it! Dont wait any longer like I did, till (god forbid), more things happen. You have a daughter that will be looking forward to having a father in her life for the rest of her life. I have a 12 yr old to continue raising, and I just have to be here for him, unless it's the will of the good man upstairs, then, i'll have no choice, but ultimately, u have to do whats good for u at this point, and hopefully after all is well and done, she will come around, and stand by ur side. Good luck to u, and be strong. Do what u have to do for yourself, cause ultimately it will benefit all of u. I never learned that lesson, and thats y im in the situation im in now. Prayers ur way Again Good Luck

She is very anti surgery. She is overweight herself and keeps begging me to do another "traditional" diet with her. We have dieted ourselves up to 350+ pounds and just end up sabotaging each other. I also told her when is the last time you saw someone lose 200 lbs on a traditional diet and keep it off? It is exceedingly rare. Diets are great if you need to take off 30-40 pounds and are reasonably in shape otherwise. Not when you are morbidly obese and feel sick/tired constantly.

She said she is terrifed of losing me and she is very anti surgery. I was also until about Oct 2010 when I hit a wall so to speak.....tired, sick, uncomfortable...all the time. It was like I hit rock bottom health wise. I changed my tune and researched surgical options (all I knew about was RNY). She won't read the books, web sites, journals, etc that I show her how people have done so well on the sleeve and that is a reasonably safe procedure.

I'm just at my wits end.....I love her to death but she feels like I am being selfish and said that it is now all about ME and now about us anymore and how would I feel making my daughter fatherless? I almost feel like she just doesn't want me to change but I don't know. She said everything is too fast for her. I actually wish she would change her tune on it because the sleeve would help her infinitely as well.

Any advice out there? I know I am making her sound like a demon but she normally is extremely supportive but her attitude about this is very strange. She cries when I ever mention it, doesn't want to talk, and I have given her tons of info to read on her own and she hasn't touched it.

Any advice or words of wisdom? I don't know if I can sacrifice my marriage over this.