wife is not supportive at all (long)

[doggz109 41]

She is very anti surgery. She is overweight herself and keeps begging me to do another "traditional" diet with her. We have dieted ourselves up to 350+ pounds and just end up sabotaging each other. I also told her when is the last time you saw someone lose 200 lbs on a traditional diet and keep it off? It is exceedingly rare. Diets are great if you need to take off 30-40 pounds and are reasonably in shape otherwise. Not when you are morbidly obese and feel sick/tired constantly.

She said she is terrifed of losing me and she is very anti surgery. I was also until about Oct 2010 when I hit a wall so to speak.....tired, sick, uncomfortable...all the time. It was like I hit rock bottom health wise. I changed my tune and researched surgical options (all I knew about was RNY). She won't read the books, web sites, journals, etc that I show her how people have done so well on the sleeve and that is a reasonably safe procedure.

I'm just at my wits end.....I love her to death but she feels like I am being selfish and said that it is now all about ME and now about us anymore and how would I feel making my daughter fatherless? I almost feel like she just doesn't want me to change but I don't know. She said everything is too fast for her. I actually wish she would change her tune on it because the sleeve would help her infinitely as well.

Any advice out there? I know I am making her sound like a demon but she normally is extremely supportive but her attitude about this is very strange. She cries when I ever mention it, doesn't want to talk, and I have given her tons of info to read on her own and she hasn't touched it.

Any advice or words of wisdom? I don't know if I can sacrifice my marriage over this.

[virtygirl 11]

She sounds as though she simply afraid of change along with the possible negative affects of the surgery. While it would be wonderful to have her onboard with you and become your biggest fan, just as you would be for her, you may have to just proceed without her. Once you have the surgery and she sees that you are okay and losing the weight, she will change her mind (we hope). Also, have you pointed out to her that the risks of being "MORBIDLY OBESE" is a bigger risk than WLS? In your current state, the health risks are far greater than having the surgery and losing the weight. Tell her that having the surgery will increase your time with her and your daughter rather than dropping dead from a massive hear attack (sorry don't want to sound to dire...but try shock value).

Best of luck to you and to her.

She is very anti surgery. She is overweight herself and keeps begging me to do another "traditional" diet with her. We have dieted ourselves up to 350+ pounds and just end up sabotaging each other. I also told her when is the last time you saw someone lose 200 lbs on a traditional diet and keep it off? It is exceedingly rare. Diets are great if you need to take off 30-40 pounds and are reasonably in shape otherwise. Not when you are morbidly obese and feel sick/tired constantly.

She said she is terrifed of losing me and she is very anti surgery. I was also until about Oct 2010 when I hit a wall so to speak.....tired, sick, uncomfortable...all the time. It was like I hit rock bottom health wise. I changed my tune and researched surgical options (all I knew about was RNY). She won't read the books, web sites, journals, etc that I show her how people have done so well on the sleeve and that is a reasonably safe procedure.

I'm just at my wits end.....I love her to death but she feels like I am being selfish and said that it is now all about ME and now about us anymore and how would I feel making my daughter fatherless? I almost feel like she just doesn't want me to change but I don't know. She said everything is too fast for her. I actually wish she would change her tune on it because the sleeve would help her infinitely as well.

Any advice out there? I know I am making her sound like a demon but she normally is extremely supportive but her attitude about this is very strange. She cries when I ever mention it, doesn't want to talk, and I have given her tons of info to read on her own and she hasn't touched it.

Any advice or words of wisdom? I don't know if I can sacrifice my marriage over this.

[snowfie9 6]

This too shall pass. You'll come through surgery fine. You'll loose a lot of weight, and maybe it will encourage her. She's nervous and she's afraid, but I wouldn't be surprised if CHILDBIRTH had a higher mortality rate than these surgeries. It's not selfish for women to have children because they MIGHT die from complications.

This is something you feel very strongly that you need to do for yourself. And she needs to know you will still love her even if she doesn't follow you into weight loss. She could also be a bit insecure thinking you'll become smoking hot and leave her. (I don't know your wife I'm just throwing out possibilities)

My husband is skeptical but generally supportive. He's not even trying to talk me out of it becuase he doesn't consider himself to have any standing in this decision. It's MY decision and he'll support me. I've asked for his input and he just says "whatever you decide is okay with me". My mother is the one who's a worrier and I"m trying to get her as much information as possible so she can feel more comfortable about it.

Give it your best heartfelt speech. That there is a small chance that you'll have complications in surgery, but SERIOUS complications in obesity is almost a sure thing over time.

You don't seem that old and trust me you do not want to be in your 40s or 50s with all this weighing you down. It ONLY gets worse, never better.

Good luck.

[YOLANDA240 13]

If you never had surgery before I can understand you wife's fear. Also, your eating habits may have been the same and I know couple eating is fun and becomes your comfort zone in your relationship. Give her time she may come around, maybe ask her to go to a group session or on a doctor visit. I hope you can work through this with your wife, I love my sleeve since hitting Onederland I feel fantastic. Good Luck

She is very anti surgery. She is overweight herself and keeps begging me to do another "traditional" diet with her. We have dieted ourselves up to 350+ pounds and just end up sabotaging each other. I also told her when is the last time you saw someone lose 200 lbs on a traditional diet and keep it off? It is exceedingly rare. Diets are great if you need to take off 30-40 pounds and are reasonably in shape otherwise. Not when you are morbidly obese and feel sick/tired constantly.

She said she is terrifed of losing me and she is very anti surgery. I was also until about Oct 2010 when I hit a wall so to speak.....tired, sick, uncomfortable...all the time. It was like I hit rock bottom health wise. I changed my tune and researched surgical options (all I knew about was RNY). She won't read the books, web sites, journals, etc that I show her how people have done so well on the sleeve and that is a reasonably safe procedure.

I'm just at my wits end.....I love her to death but she feels like I am being selfish and said that it is now all about ME and now about us anymore and how would I feel making my daughter fatherless? I almost feel like she just doesn't want me to change but I don't know. She said everything is too fast for her. I actually wish she would change her tune on it because the sleeve would help her infinitely as well.

Any advice out there? I know I am making her sound like a demon but she normally is extremely supportive but her attitude about this is very strange. She cries when I ever mention it, doesn't want to talk, and I have given her tons of info to read on her own and she hasn't touched it.

Any advice or words of wisdom? I don't know if I can sacrifice my marriage over this.

[Shanny 70]

Explain to her that you have to do this for you so that you can be there for her and your daughter in the long run. You want to make a change for your health and for the betterment of your family. Yes, surgery is scary, but so is dying from a heart attack, or having diabetes or 100 other problems that being overweight cause. Hopefully, she'll get on board. Once you do it, if you decide to do it, and she sees your progress, maybe she'll decide to do something too. It's a hard road, but it's definitely the best decision I've ever made.

Even if she doesn't support you, you've always got us!

Good luck!

[hopeandfaith 6]

This is the BEST THING I've EVER DONE FOR MYSELF!!! NOT my husband, NOT my daughters, for ONCE I thought about MYSELF!!!! Hands down this SAVED MY LIFE!!! I'm 8 weeks out today and have lost 50 pounds! My family didn't want me to have the surgery either but I did it anyway and now they are SHOCKED at the change!! Not ONLY my weight but my attitude! I FINALLY had to sit my youngest daughter and husband DOWN and told them IF THEY DON"T HAVE ANYTHING POSITIVE TO SAY THEN DON'T SAY NOTHING AT ALL!!! I NEED SUPPORT NOT NEGATIVE FEELINGS!!! It was an EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER and I needed HELP!! This website was my LIFE LINE!!! They HELPED ME LIKE NO OTHER!!! You can ask ANY QUESTIONS YOU HAVE, ANY FEARS YOU HAVE, and NO ONE JUDGES YOU!!! GOD also played a HUGH ROLL. I prayed and prayed about it and he was with me every set of the way!!! I was up and walking down the hall 3 hours after surgery!!!

I was getting to a point I would come home eat and go to bed with a bottle of wine! Now what kind of life was that!! Now I come home and eat a bite...can't eat more then that LOL...then go work out! I FEEL GREAT!!!!

Your wife is the one being selfish but she will come around! You NEED to get healthy for your family. Everyone is scared of change and TRUST ME once she sees the change in you she will want the same. Everyone just has to hit ROCK BOTTOM first! It sounds like you did and you are ready to BETTER your LIFE!!!

GOOD luck and HANG IN THERE!!!

[Douceur72 3]

Is she able to tell you why she is afraid? You said she is afraid of losing you....meaning because you’ll become hot and instantly turn into a casanova? Or that you won’t enjoy the same things together anymore? And you said she is anti-surgery…does she have negative connotations of hospitals or doctors from a past experience? Or is it fear of the unknown? Maybe not ready for a change herself and thinking that if you have WLS she will be pressured to follow?

I think it’s pretty common for our biggest supporters to freak a little. Keep reassuring her that it’s the best thing for you, and that you are doing it to be a better husband and father. If she’s a practical person maybe tell her how much money it will save over the years on food, meds, etc. Hopefully she will open up to the idea and learn how beneficial it will be for all of you.

Best of Luck!

[Used2b575lbs 29]

I was once 575 lbs as the name states, my wife too had a problem with the surgery and many others did as I was able to lose 200 lbs on my own presurgery but what they didn't know that I did was I could easily gain back all that weight plus some without a surgical intervention. I had lost 115 lbs in 2007 only to gain it back plus 50... before that I had lost 80, 85, 60, etc etc etc...

Now that I have gone through the surgery she couldn't be happier, she still thinks I could have done without the surgery but I know the surgery was the cement I needed to keep the weight off. Now down 317 lbs in less then 2 years I couldn't be happier, without the surgery I wouldn't be as healthy at some point my yoyo would've snapped me back into a weight gaining binge.

The surgery breaks the yoyo, I can still gain weight if I eat wrong but can not gain it nearly as fast and i've learned enough new GOOD habits during the process never to get anywhere close to where I was before.

Ask a simple question.... How many 50, 60, 70 year olds weighing as much as you do you see walking around happy and healthy... I knew for me my weight was a death sentence and i'm so glad that over 300 lbs of me is gone!!!

[meggiep 57]

Please do not let her fear stop you from this! You are saving your life, and that is for her.

My husband is afraid also- a little of the surgery but more of the unknown of our lives changing so much. We love to eat together- the difference is he is think and never has to worry and I just look at food and gain. He was an enabler for a long time but he knows I am miserable in this body and is totally on board.

I think this might call for some couples counseling to help you two navigate this- she needs to understand you are going for LIFE- and that you want her to do the same. It is not good for you to feel you could endanger your marriage taking care of yourself in this way. Your kids need to have you model going for joy, going for health.

Good luck to you!

[swizzly 901]

I have no idea if your wife is addicted to food/eating or not, but never underestimate the level of threat and fear involved in depriving an addict of comfortable access to their drug of choice. Or their favorite partner and enabler in the addiction.

If you want this, you need to move ahead with it with love and care and loads of affection -- but do move ahead with it if you feel it's right for you. Individual and/or marital counseling may be in order.

Good luck!

[pcos_chick 23]

I haven't seen anyone else mention this... but given the passion of her refusal to even talk about this with you I would suggest you get some couples therapy.

She seems to have some very deep seated fears about this - almost defensively reacting to this issue.

Get the surgery, and get some help with communicating about it.

You have a partner and your surgery does effect her.

[brazcan 37]

I went through the same with my husband. Including his perception that I was being selfish too and all the bargain to try again with diet and exercise. he even called family and frinds to ask them to talk me out of it and it caused a high level of discomfort in everyone as I had to shout out loud that I WAS GOING TO DO IT, NO POSTPONING, NO RETHINKING, AND NO MORE A PIP ABOUT IT. I went by myself and did it and I do not have a pint of regret.

He is now much more supportive and happy about my decision. He helped a lot during recovery and is always attentive to see if I am drinking enough, etc. He sees the diference in my body and especially in my mood.

I am sure your wife will be supportive and maybe consider it to herself after you do it. Go ahead. We all know that we cannot do it and maintain it with diet. The sleeve is not a magic tool but it will work with you so you can achieve a healthier life.

Ask her to visit this forum, post about her fears and concerns and read about our many success histories. maybe this will help her to overcome her fears.

[renniemommie 8]

She scared, find out why (change, losing food buddy, losing you to a skinny woman). 1% chance of death, not too bad. You'll have to educate her since she won't do it herself, use small words and short information since she's shorted a bit out on this one. After you are done, I bet she'll have the surgery too! take her to a seminar or to a Dr's appointment with you, that might help.

[doggz109 41]

Thanks for all the kind words and advice everyone. I am going to try to see if she will go with me to the first surgeons visit. Is this a good idea? Or if she is so negative will it possibly make the surgeon think twice about approving surgery for me in his office?

[t-salt 1]

Thanks for all the kind words and advice everyone. I am going to try to see if she will go with me to the first surgeons visit. Is this a good idea? Or if she is so negative will it possibly make the surgeon think twice about approving surgery for me in his office?

Most wives think their husbands are big babies (mine does). Just tell her you want her there to hold you hand....she'll go