Feeling betrayed and ANGRY. Advice?

[Skinnyagain 12]

I am so angry, and want to know if I am justified or just over reacting. I have chosen to tell my family and closest friends about my vsg surgery. However I did NOT want my in laws to know about it. I have my reasons and in all honesty it's not about the surgery itself, it's more about the money my husband and I are going to be spending on it. My in laws often put their noses where they don't belong,especially when it comes to money. They often call my husband for little chats about "OUR" money and make sure I am not invited to these meetings which makes me furious. Well one of those little meetings was called the other day and of course I was not told about it till after the fact. This time it was regarding the money that we are going to be getting from a work bonus. My husbands parents want him to invest it, so to make them drop the subject he told them we were spending some of it for me to have my surgery. Of course this did not make them happy which is why I did not want them to know, plus it's none of their business. Well I feel so betrayed by my husband for spilling the Beans. I know they would find out eventually, but they didn't have to know how we paid for it. My in laws are very judgmental people. I remember when my husband proposed to me I looked over at his dad and he rolled his eyes. I was hurt. I come from a family where half of us are overweight ( mom, sister,me) and the other half are not (dad, brother). My father in law also tried to discourage my husband from marring me by telling him just look at her mother, that is what she will look like in a few years. I hope I am not making my husband sound like a bad person, because he is not for the most part, but I am so very angry with him and his parents right now. His mom has already told several people about my surgery. It was something very personal to me and now it's out for everyone to know. They would have eventually but it would have been on my terms not theirs.

Now I have been having second thoughts about the surgery. I have a date of march 15th. I was so excited but now not so much. I hope I didn't get to personal, but could really use some advice.

[myrori 55]

It is time for a divorce..... from his parents! You guys are Married ADULTS! There is no reason for them to have "meetings" to discuss your finances. Time for your husband to cut the apron strings.

[Billy363627 15]

Well I am just the kind of person that would corner your mother in law and demand her not to tell anyone. I would tell her that I would prefer to keep it in the immedate family..I don't blame you for being mad I would be ferious. Your husband should have not said anything. Now it is going to be awkward every time your around them.. I know some people should be told about having surgery but they always have negative opinions.. They cant just support you they have to tell you why you shouldn't have the surgery. That you can do it on your own. I completely understand and I too would be very upset with what he did..

[Lila21 36]

Please don't let others' judgements stop you from doing something you really want to do for yourself. Frankly, your husband's parents sound really mean. Rolling his eyes at a wedding proposal? That just sounds childish. I don't think you should let such negative people sway your choice to do something positive for yourself. I would, however, ask your husband to stop sharing all your personal information with his family. You don't need their negativity!!!

[Disney 20]

Sorry you have to deal with people like that. I hope you let your husband know how much this upset you. He not only needs to keep your personal business to himself, he should not be participating in "family" financial meetings that his own wife is not privy to. He should tell them where to get off if they don't want you there. Sounds like you need to crash one of these secret meetings next time! Don't wait for an invitation. If they are discussing you and your husband's money, then you are entitled to be there. THEY are the ones that should not be invited. Why is it any of their business anyway??

Good luck with this ongoing problem, and like others have said, I hope you don't let this change anything to do with your surgery. You deserve it.

[chilo1 62]

I agree with what everyone else said, don't let their opinion influence what you do, if you alreadymade your desicion,which you obviously did that's why you have a date, go ahead with it, and let them be amazed when you lose the weight and maybe even feel the confidence enough to tell them to F off! (sorry, feeling a bit angry this morning) Good luck

[chilo1 62]

Oh and by no meansare you overreacting, I would be furious!

[Stacy160 201]

That is a HUGE betrayal and shows such a lack of respect for you on his part. That's a shame. You need to have a very serious talk with your husband and lay down some very firm ground rules about his family, 'cause I'm telling ya...time and time again we see people who gain self-respect and confidence as they lose the weight and find the courage to end their toxic relationships. [edited] OK, time for me to shut up... but wow.

[Skinnyagain 12]

Thanks guys for your comments. Trust me, I let my husband know how very upset I am over all of this. He said he was very sorry, but at the time I didn't care. Sorry can't take it back. I just can't stand his parents sometimes, ok most of the time. They bring out the worst in me. His dad even tried to tell him the surgery is unsafe( not that he truly cares about my safety) and that while she may loose weight at first, She will just gain it all back in the long run. I think he bases this off the fact my mom and sister both had gastric bypass years ago. They both lost a lot of weight but have also gained some of it back. They have always been a lot bigger than me. I am 5 foot and weighed 212.2 (Bmi of 40) at my consult visit, now I weigh 204. Both of them are the same height as myself but weighed closer to 300 at their surgery dates. So I can see why there would be some doubt for his parents. Anyway today I have decided to forgive and forget (my husband only). His parents on the other hand, I don't think I will be letting them off the hook so easily. I will be letting them know that was goes on in MY house is none of their business, unless I choose to inform them. I have had to tell his mom off before, and I don't have a problem doing it again, it's just that I am a very sweet nice person by nature and don't like getting ugly with people and try to avoid conflict. I am going to keep my surgey date, and enjoy becoming a new healthier/skinnier me. And they both can just eat crow.....

[hopeandfaith 6]

Don't you DARE let THEM change your mind!!! IF you do THEY WIN!! I too have the in laws from HELL and my HUSBAND is the one that told me not to tell. I didn't listen and HE WAS RIGHT!! My Mother in law was NOT NICE about it at all! Didn't call to wish me luck or anything...in fact she called two days LATER and asked if I was ready for my surgery?...ONLY CALLED because she had something else to say!

I was SO UPSET but my oldest daughter told me, "MOM what will it matter in 5 years!" I'm like what and she said what will it matter in 5 years....what she thinks about me really doesn't matter!!! I did this surgery for MYSELF NOBODY else! I wasn't happy with MYSELF!!!

Your Mother and Father in law are just JEALOUS because you have their BOY!!! You be TRUE to YOURSELF and YOU WILL FEEL BETTER!!!! DON'T let what OTHERS think bring you down!!! My Mother in law WANTS me to fail so it is making me work that much MORE!!! She told me "I can't see you skinny you have a pretty face and ALL fat girls have a pretty face!" YEAH I about LOST IT...WELL I did LOSE IT! She KNEW EXACTLY HOW I FELT!!! LOL

GOOD LUCK and remember we are ALL HERE for you!!!

[pumpkin07 32]

Wow. That is incredible to me that his family wants to know what he is doing with his work bonus. That crosses a lot of lines in my book. I think you husband needs to go to some counseling on how to be married - because until HE learns to draw some boundaries he will continue to be stuck in the middle. Basically he needs to learn how to man up and put them in their place. By him not being able to be loyal to his marriage he really hurt you by telling information that was confidential to the mouth of the south (it sounds like). He needs to learn that some people are very manipulative and very good at getting information out of people, and he needs some very basic survival skills and ground rules in dealing with them. He is not the first person with parents like this, who do not understand when children grow up parents let them go. There are other people that came before him that turned the situation with meddling parents around - but he needs to learn how to start being assertive. It is baby steps at first, but basically he needs to man up and realize you are his life now, not his parents. It is hard. But work that needs to be done. The very fact that he hurt you in this way, telling your private business, tells me he needs help.

I think for you to chew them out really has very little to do with them, and much more to do with your husband who is allowing himself to be placed in a very bad position. You do not need to be his mother, he needs to stand up to them himself. And change the way he communicates with them in the future. If he made a mistake to tell them about the surgery, he needs to now call his mother and tell her he made a mistake to trust her with this information, and that he knows she is telling others and it is hurting you. And that he needs her to stop talking about it, period. That confrontation could be the beginning of turning things around!!!!

My family was very rigid growing up. I sort of know what it is like to be in his shoes to a point. I was over 40 when I finally just started living my own life and not what my parent's expected. Or rather sometimes I would do what I wanted but feel tremendous GUILT if it was not what they wanted. It was very painful to not allow myself to just be free to live my life. Even if I was wrong, I deserved to live my life for me and not for them.

With parents like this it can be hard to not live under their thumb. I think physical distance could help and talking less frequently. They will begin to create their own life if your husband does this and eventually they will not know so much about what goes on. These are changes your husband can make without really confronting them - just not being as available to them. If they want a secret meeting he can just say "I'm just not able to do that today". If they do corner him he can say something gentle like thanks for the advice, we'll talk about it and decide what WE want to do. That is a gentle way of letting them know it is a decision to be made by his wife and him.

Good luck on this. I think for you to chew her out is a mistake, because you are doing his work for him. He needs to call his mom. If he doesn't want to fix it, then he should not have spilled the Beans. And if he is very firm with her, she might shut up.

Good luck with your surgery. Make sure you have a great doctor.

[coops 1,790]

I am so angry, and want to know if I am justified or just over reacting. I have chosen to tell my family and closest friends about my vsg surgery. However I did NOT want my in laws to know about it. I have my reasons and in all honesty it's not about the surgery itself, it's more about the money my husband and I are going to be spending on it. My in laws often put their noses where they don't belong,especially when it comes to money. They often call my husband for little chats about "OUR" money and make sure I am not invited to these meetings which makes me furious. Well one of those little meetings was called the other day and of course I was not told about it till after the fact. This time it was regarding the money that we are going to be getting from a work bonus. My husbands parents want him to invest it, so to make them drop the subject he told them we were spending some of it for me to have my surgery. Of course this did not make them happy which is why I did not want them to know, plus it's none of their business. Well I feel so betrayed by my husband for spilling the Beans. I know they would find out eventually, but they didn't have to know how we paid for it. My in laws are very judgmental people. I remember when my husband proposed to me I looked over at his dad and he rolled his eyes. I was hurt. I come from a family where half of us are overweight ( mom, sister,me) and the other half are not (dad, brother). My father in law also tried to discourage my husband from marring me by telling him just look at her mother, that is what she will look like in a few years. I hope I am not making my husband sound like a bad person, because he is not for the most part, but I am so very angry with him and his parents right now. His mom has already told several people about my surgery. It was something very personal to me and now it's out for everyone to know. They would have eventually but it would have been on my terms not theirs.

Now I have been having second thoughts about the surgery. I have a date of march 15th. I was so excited but now not so much. I hope I didn't get to personal, but could really use some advice.

Looks like I am late in on this one... but I just thought I would add that you ARE AN INVESTMENT!!!

I too was self pay (UK) and the sleeve has been worth every penny; given me my health back and I am not at goal yet!!

Don't let small and bloody minded people ruin your plans... you go for it and enjoy the ride... when have lost some weight, go and tell 'em how much your new clothes cost... just to see the colour drain from their faces!!! =]

[Margaret 4]

If you've made the decision and gotten the date nothing should sway you, especially negativity from ANYWHERE. Isn't it amazing the curves that get thrown our way when we're trying to make a good call for ourselves? I am with everyone else who has written you: press on with your good self and your good intentions. Your husband should not ever be having financial meetings with his parents without you-------or even with you and them, unless someone in there is a financial advisor........I'm envious you have your date!~ I say go buy the items you'll need for your surgery, re-arrange your cabinets, and stay very busy with positive thoughts. And get on this site as often as you can for all the help people are so willing to give! And good luck!

I am so angry, and want to know if I am justified or just over reacting. I have chosen to tell my family and closest friends about my vsg surgery. However I did NOT want my in laws to know about it. I have my reasons and in all honesty it's not about the surgery itself, it's more about the money my husband and I are going to be spending on it. My in laws often put their noses where they don't belong,especially when it comes to money. They often call my husband for little chats about "OUR" money and make sure I am not invited to these meetings which makes me furious. Well one of those little meetings was called the other day and of course I was not told about it till after the fact. This time it was regarding the money that we are going to be getting from a work bonus. My husbands parents want him to invest it, so to make them drop the subject he told them we were spending some of it for me to have my surgery. Of course this did not make them happy which is why I did not want them to know, plus it's none of their business. Well I feel so betrayed by my husband for spilling the Beans. I know they would find out eventually, but they didn't have to know how we paid for it. My in laws are very judgmental people. I remember when my husband proposed to me I looked over at his dad and he rolled his eyes. I was hurt. I come from a family where half of us are overweight ( mom, sister,me) and the other half are not (dad, brother). My father in law also tried to discourage my husband from marring me by telling him just look at her mother, that is what she will look like in a few years. I hope I am not making my husband sound like a bad person, because he is not for the most part, but I am so very angry with him and his parents right now. His mom has already told several people about my surgery. It was something very personal to me and now it's out for everyone to know. They would have eventually but it would have been on my terms not theirs.

Now I have been having second thoughts about the surgery. I have a date of march 15th. I was so excited but now not so much. I hope I didn't get to personal, but could really use some advice.

[thinoneday 445]

I am so angry, and want to know if I am justified or just over reacting. I have chosen to tell my family and closest friends about my vsg surgery. However I did NOT want my in laws to know about it. I have my reasons and in all honesty it's not about the surgery itself, it's more about the money my husband and I are going to be spending on it. My in laws often put their noses where they don't belong,especially when it comes to money. They often call my husband for little chats about "OUR" money and make sure I am not invited to these meetings which makes me furious. Well one of those little meetings was called the other day and of course I was not told about it till after the fact. This time it was regarding the money that we are going to be getting from a work bonus. My husbands parents want him to invest it, so to make them drop the subject he told them we were spending some of it for me to have my surgery. Of course this did not make them happy which is why I did not want them to know, plus it's none of their business. Well I feel so betrayed by my husband for spilling the Beans. I know they would find out eventually, but they didn't have to know how we paid for it. My in laws are very judgmental people. I remember when my husband proposed to me I looked over at his dad and he rolled his eyes. I was hurt. I come from a family where half of us are overweight ( mom, sister,me) and the other half are not (dad, brother). My father in law also tried to discourage my husband from marring me by telling him just look at her mother, that is what she will look like in a few years. I hope I am not making my husband sound like a bad person, because he is not for the most part, but I am so very angry with him and his parents right now. His mom has already told several people about my surgery. It was something very personal to me and now it's out for everyone to know. They would have eventually but it would have been on my terms not theirs.

Now I have been having second thoughts about the surgery. I have a date of march 15th. I was so excited but now not so much. I hope I didn't get to personal, but could really use some advice.

It sounds like your more hurt then angry. . I don't blame you. . your hubbie wanted to protect you thats all. He tried to stand up to his parents by telling them what he was going to do with ya'lls money. . . i hate overbearring people like his parents. . . apparently they have been telling him and the other siblings what to do for the whole of their lives. . . your hubbie doesn't like to have waves it seems with them. . . don't be mad with your hubbie, you did chose to tell others and he (being a man) thought that it was ok to tell others too. . . so you just go on now, it's out in the open, so just hug your hubbie (he does love you lots you know ) hold your head up high and carry on. . . you don't have to please the stupid inlaws, just yourself and hubbie. and if you don't get your surgery you are just pleasing them, showing them they won AGAIN, and not yourself or your hubbie (plus your acting stubborn then) . . . you live with him not THOSE other people. . . good luck! I too was self pay and yes, it's an investment like a little car, but hey i'm alive and living life good and healthy now!

[SouthernSleever 228]

Oooo gurl! OOOOO First off I'd have a sit down talk with Hubby and I'd tell him that it was WAY out of line for him to discuss that with his parents without your permission. Then I'd tell him not to discuss your finanaces with his parents EVER again. EVER! I'd call a meeting with his parents you and your hubby and firmly tell them that they are not going to try to make decisions for you and your husband. That you and your husband and children if you have any are your family now. I'd lay the MFing law down sister. Hubby also said something to my inlaws without my permission and I'm sure that mistake won't happen again. Get your tongue ready and give those in laws a lashing they won't forget.