My husband does not support me.

[Douceur72 3]

HI everyone

After much wait, research and multiple attempts to loose weight, I finally realized that I do not want to keep trying to loose weight by diet and exercise and medication just to regain it all back in a short time. Last July I went to Brazil to have a balloon inserted, but the doctor was very honest in saying that it just was not worth it and that after the 6 months when the ballon was to be removed the weight would start to go up again. He also did not agree with the band due to multiple complications in a long run and poor results after it was removed. He suggested the vertical gastrectomy but I was just not ready for it and decided to try again to loose weight by other methods. During this time I was on Xenical, exercising 3x per week, eating healthy and lighter most of the time. I managed to loose 8 pounds but I quickly "found" them and a couple more.

This months I decided to go for the VSG but in Mexico. To my surprise my husband went ballistic. Initially his argument was about the safety of it being done in Mexico but after many arguments it was clear that he just plain does not want me to do it. No matter how much I try to show results, research, etc he remains firm against it. Again to my surprise, he told me he is not going with me, he is not giving any support when I return (I asked for it as I will be feeling weak, of course and we have absolutely no other family member in Canada) and even said that he does not want to know anything and will not be my emergency contact person. That was way beyond expected. Unfortunately I always noticed he spoiled my attempts to loose weight and became insecure everytime I came closer to a normal weight but until now this was just a suspicion.

I am tense and scared but I have made my decision and I will not change my mind. I am leaving to San Diego on the 5/2 and will spend 2 days there to relax and get to visit a few places. On the 8/2 I will have my surgery and I will be back on the 13/2. I decided to stay a little longer to avoid feeling dizzy during the long trip back to Toronto. With God's permission everything will go well and I will have a good recovery. I hope the support of everyone in this forum will do what he is not doing. I really hope I will have no complications at all and that i will be back to my normal routine soon, feeling much lighter of course.

Gosh, that's harsh. I'm glad you have decided to do what's best for you, despite his foundless objection. Best of luck for next, keep us posted.

[pumpkin07 32]

There is nothing more expensive than a cheap surgeon that is incompetent, that is for sure. Sounds like you are doing your research, but I am scared for you shopping price. I had my surgery in the states, but everyone says Dr. Aceves is good - can you go there? I am hesitant to blast the doctors I have heard are bad on a public forum, but you could private message people that have obviously been around a while and they might could help.

Maybe you'll even get some messages with affordable options.

I'm sorry about your husband. If you have some time it might be worth some counseling sessions. My husband and I have never encountered anything he has been that adament about, but honestly if he did I would totally want to hear him out. Because sometimes he is wiser than wise - sometimes he might be looking out for me in ways I need to be looked out for. Or he could be insecure. Or he could be worried about the money. Or he could be misunderstanding the surgery. In any case, I wouldn't immediately do it if he was against it so strongly. I would find a way to encourage him to have dialogue and force him to get educated on the procedure. Sometimes that means letting him vent anger or whatever and then digging in to the root of what is wrong. My husband can have a crusty exterior, but is soft on the inside.

Going against his wishes is wow, bad for a marriage. I guess if it is a horrible marriage and not worth saving then who cares, but in my case my husband is the father of my children, he is their daddy, he is my husband and lover, and we were all raised that the man is the head of our home. We don't ever think about that until there is a dispute, but in the case of a disagreement ultimately I defer to him. I cannot think of a time I ever totally ignored his wishes. Usually we just keep working on things until we reach agreement. A lot of times he is right, sometimes I am, but it doesn't matter. THe process of working it through together can lead to a great decision in my experience. A culmination of views and ideas.

If you have children, it is so good for them to see you respect their dad in this way. Respect is a two way street though, of course.

With the surgery he trusted me to pick a good doctor and to trust the doctor to pick the right surgery. It was obvious to both of us I would never lose weight without surgery. He was still scared of the risk and scared of me getting toooooo hot and losing me, and sometimes he acted those things out. But he worked through it and doesn't mention feeling insecure. He knows deep down I love him and respect him and wouldn't leave him for someone else just because I'm now hot. lol

But every relationship is different.

I pray you can work all this out and that the timing all comes together on all sides. Hang in there. Being married can be tough, but I don't want it to be too hard for you. I used to be with a man that did not treat me the best, and it helped me to surround myself with men that cherished their wife and children. It is kinda corny, but when you hear men like Dr. Phil and Dave Ramsey talk about their wives, wow, it makes you realize there is some good men out there. It is good for a man to be surrounded by other men like that too. My husband is a work in progress, but even at our church there are elders that are just such a good example for him of how to be a good dad/good husband. I love that, bc my husband grew up without a dad around and struggles with realizing how important he is to our sons' development. If I just discounted all he said/felt he would certainly never grow in this area.

I don't mean to sound corny. I am well educated, and I am not OVERLY religious. But I have found a lot of value in traditional family life. I own two businesses by myself, so it isn't like I'm old fashioned and dependent. I'm NOT.

[Redcobra 1]

Everyone has problems with this! I am single and am arranging for my only child to travel a long distance to help me for a few days. I'm blessed beyond words. This website is FOR YOU. We're here for you and I admire your courage and determination! Keep writing and we'll keep helping you along this journey.

No, not everyone has problems with this!

My girlfriend, and my son are very supportaive. My girlfriend is even taking vacation to stay with me post surgery to help out.

[Redcobra 1]

HI everyone

.

This months I decided to go for the VSG but in Mexico. To my surprise my husband went ballistic. Initially his argument was about the safety of it being done in Mexico but after many arguments it was clear that he just plain does not want me to do it. No matter how much I try to show results, research, etc he remains firm against it. Again to my surprise, he told me he is not going with me, he is not giving any support when I return (I asked for it as I will be feeling weak, of course and we have absolutely no other family member in Canada) and even said that he does not want to know anything and will not be my emergency contact person. That was way beyond expected. Unfortunately I always noticed he spoiled my attempts to loose weight and became insecure everytime I came closer to a normal weight but until now this was just a suspicion.

Jeez, if my girlfriend were as heavy as I am, and wanted to have the sleeve to lose weight, I would encourage her.

Va Va Voom.. Hot stuff.. Oh Boy...

Then I would just have to treat her even more special so she wouldn't run off with some other dude.

I am secure enough about my own self and abilities to not really worry about that.

She actually asked if I were going to look around after I lose the weight and get in shape. I said that when I stop looking at women I will be dead, but that she is stuck with me for as long as she can put up with me.

ps: I am a widower and was married for 27 yrs before my sweetie passed away from cancer.

[apw0 7]

I am so sorry that your hubby won't support you. And as one of the other posters stated, it sounds like he has lots of insecurities about himself, that he's projecting onto you.

When I first started my journey several years ago, my insignificant other acted the same way. Not because he's insecure, but because he likes me big. One day, I had had enough. I looked him in the eye, and told him that I'm not going to ask for his support, but I would expect it. I reminded him of how I had supported his boing schemes and ideas, whether they were right or wrong, and I shouldn't have to have anything less. I told him that it was about me, and it had nothing to do with him. Eventually, he came on board. Long story short, I just had to tune him out, and know that I was doing the best thing FOR ME, and no one else.

Hang in there, and don't let his issues, become your issues. Be strong!

All the best to you.

[brazcan 37]

Thank you all for the support and kind words. It meant a lot. I am in San Diego, now. My surgery is tomorrow and I am feeling good about it but I know tomorrow I will be a wreck. Hubby is less negative now that he knows I will do it with or without his support. he asked what to buy for my post op and volunteered to get the kids ready for school before he leaves to work and to take them to their swimming lessons so I will have more time to recover for the next couple of weeks. That is something. He will get there. Thank you all and keep me in your prayers tomorrow afternoon.

[brazcan 37]

I think it is the loosing weight... LOL

Try to find out if it is the surgery or you losing weight that he has a problem with. Sometimes your loved ones are used to a certain way of life and going and changing it causes distress.

If you dig deep enough you will find the strength to do this with out your husbands help. Try to do all the shopping you need done before you leave so that when you get back you will not have to rely on him. If he truly loves you he will come around eventually. But it may take some time.

In the mean time you can always come here for virtual support. And possibly find someone in your area that you can meet up with.

[brazcan 37]

All the best in your trip and surgery. Keep us posted.

I have a similar story to yours. I too am getting sleeved abroad (greece) on the 8th February, I'll stay a couple of days longer and will come back home on the 12th.

My hubby is not really 100% supportive, he is not coming with me, he sent his sister (who thank God is fun and we are kinda friends), so I am going with my best buddy and her.

During the last few months I found here all the answers I was looking for and all the support I needed.

I have already bought all the stuff I need to make sugar free popsicles and I am going to prepare them before leaving for Greece, so I'll have things ready in the freezer when I get back and I have already bought things to make jelly as well, so he won't have to do anything while I'll be away.

I have the feeling too that my hubby feels insecure about me losing weight (and maybe becoming more attractive)...

Anyway, I wish you the best and let everyone know how it works out!

If you feel down go to the Success Stories section, that's what I do. Read those people's stories and look and the pictures! Tiffykins just posted some photos that really are an inspiration. When my hubby is annoying me I normally show him some pictures of them and he shuts up.

-15 days!!! :thumbs_up:

[Kimmes 38]

I am sending hugs, love an prayers your way for your surgery tomorrow! I know Dr Kelly and Trish will take great care of you and comfort you too! YOu will do excellent on your journey! Hopefully your hubby will continue to come around. It can be scary to know the one you love is going to change pretty drastically physically and emotionally.

Please let us know how surgery goes once you are recovering! Say hi to everyone there for me - Trish, Dr. Kelly, Sam (his son) and Alberto (at the hospital). My God keep you in his healing and loving hands throughout surgery and your recovery!

Hugs

Kim

[Yvette 2]

How is it going? How are you?