frightened and confused...

[faithstar 3]

I had my sleeve two weeks ago and so far everything has been great but I keep having these memories popping up of my past. I just remember my CONTINUOUS dieting failures and how every time I said it would be different, sooner or later I pull up a chair next to the vending machine at work, whilst I gorge myself on chocolate. I was a secret binge eater, a comfort eater, someone who could and WANTED to eat when I was stuffed; an addict.

I remember walking into a shop after feeling an urge to stuff my face and feeling so full yet feeling compelled to pack my trolley with sweets and chocolates. I sat at home crying, feeling so hopeless, I actually wanted to die. As I stuffed myself, I would research help groups, more diets, anything to get me out of this horrible pickle.

I felt I had no control and the food was controlling me. So much as one craving and the urge was massive; I felt like a junkie on heroin, it was so bad.

Sometimes my fiance would sit in the car with me for a whole hour pleading with me not to give in and binge but I'd get angry and go ahead and get it anyway. I was angry because not only could he not convince me, I couldn't convince myself. Sometimes I thought I was just stubborn, other times I thought something was after me and was diagnosed with clinical depression at this time.

I felt hopeless until I found the sleeve. I am fighting my way through to get my emotions out every day but sometimes the memories of binging haunts me. I worry that it might happen again and my mind plays tricks on me.

I'm going to a support group, seeing an eating disorder specialist, my nutritionist and psychiatrist so I have a LOT of support. I know the negative voice in my head doesn't believe I can lose weight and it likes to see me fail. And I want to fight that voice. It would really help to hear how all of you have coped with similar feelings and maybe to hear similar stories.

[pumpkin07 32]

It does sound like you are doing all the right things, seeing specialists and so on. I always think the best way to replace a habit is to create a new better one. So maybe when you get these thoughts you could focus on positive visualization of you living at the weight you want, the life you want. Keep focusing on your vision instead of on the past and it might help.

[Middlesister57 14]

I am having a similar situation. I am 6 weeks post surgery and I keep saying, "This is not going to work". Just like the millions of diets I have done in my life and failed at. I keep thinking every time I step on the scale that I will have gained and I will have stopped losing. I guess there is nothing that can make those thoughts go away, but the proof is on the scale. I have tried a few things that I used to love to eat, cheese, scrambled eggs, and to my dissappointment they just don't taste the same. On the other hand, I used to not like chocolate and now I really love it. I have only had chocolate Protein Shakes and Sugar Free Chocolate pudding, but I never would have chosen those before. My wieght loss is great 44 pounds, so I keep telling myself "This is working". But then again right after that I say " But the weight loss is going to stop now". I guess I will look back in a year and see what the results are.

Good luck to you.

Lisa

[Tiffykins 673]

I think when you can convince yourself that this is not a diet attempt, you'll see it differently. Believe me, I had more diet attempt failures than I'd care to count, but I really didn't think of this as a diet. I had just forever changed my anatomy. I kind of felt like I had divorced an abusive spouse by having a huge portion of my stomach removed. I no longer felt the urge to binge on food, and I really wanted to be successful. I knew that I would have to make positive and constant changes to be successful. The sleeve just gave me the help I needed that I never had in the past. I do contribute the majority of my success to the loss of hunger, but I am only human. At almost 20 months out, I'm finding some bad habits creeping back in. I'm comfortable now, I feel amazing, and while I know I'm not going to see a huge gain, I do fear letting myself slip back into old habits, and gaining more than my normal 5lbs. It's a slippery slope that I glide across, and I have to remind myself constantly that I did this for one reason; improved future health.

Right now, I am struggling with night eating. Not late night get out of bed to eat, I never did that because I like my sleep way too much. BUT, right before bed time, I'm having a snack i.e. half sandwich, some chips with dip, a few pretzels with mustard, etc etc. Not huge portions, but I can't justify eating at 9:30pm when I'm never hungry. I just mentally want it, and I've been giving in. SO, I have to stop, and stop it NOW or I feel an ugly monster is going to rear it's head, and it'll take me forever to get rid of it.

I do believe that each one of us will have our own struggles, and there is no way to know what those struggles might be until they hit us right smack dab in the face. I was not prepared for this at all. I was positive I had kicked this little habit to the curb. So, here I am, today recognizing the issue, and setting up some strategies to overcome it. That's all I know to do. . .

You are doing everything right. You've got a great game plan, and you will be successful. BUT, you have to believe it, and I didn't believe it until I went through it myself.

[Eureka-C 20]

I have to tell myself this is not a diet. It's more like learning to walk after a surgery fixed your club foot. I used to do things because my stomach, and hormones played tricks on me. Now I can eat like a normal person. I still am afraid to listen to my new stomach because it has failed me so much in the past. I try to make choices based on reason and healthy living rather than guilt. I may choose to eat one small cookie, and refuse to feel guilty, because eating one cookie is normal. I used to eat the whole row. I can eat 2 hot wings and a slice of pizza (toppings and 2-3 bites of crust) and this is normal. I am not dieting. Dieting failed me in the past. If I only lose 1 pound a week that's okay. I feel more normal about my eating than ever before. I am not obsessed about food. I go hours without thinking about food. I don't feel as if I am dying of starvation only 30 min after eating a 3000 calorie meal. This has been hard and everything isn't like I expected, but for the fist time in my life I almost feel normal when it comes to food and eating.

[54AndCounting 2]

I have to tell myself this is not a diet. It's more like learning to walk after a surgery fixed your club foot. I used to do things because my stomach, and hormones played tricks on me. Now I can eat like a normal person. I still am afraid to listen to my new stomach because it has failed me so much in the past. I try to make choices based on reason and healthy living rather than guilt. I may choose to eat one small cookie, and refuse to feel guilty, because eating one cookie is normal. I used to eat the whole row. I can eat 2 hot wings and a slice of pizza (toppings and 2-3 bites of crust) and this is normal. I am not dieting. Dieting failed me in the past. If I only lose 1 pound a week that's okay. I feel more normal about my eating than ever before. I am not obsessed about food. I go hours without thinking about food. I don't feel as if I am dying of starvation only 30 min after eating a 3000 calorie meal. This has been hard and everything isn't like I expected, but for the fist time in my life I almost feel normal when it comes to food and eating.

I'm with you on the "this is NOT a diet" tip! I was sleeved on December 20th and have already lost 32 pounds. This is quite a difference from losing and gaining and losing the SAME 12 pounds on Weight Watchers for a year and a half. I can hardly believe the success, so that tells my logical mind that this is definitely NOT a diet....those don't work for me very well. I'm like everyone else here and I'll struggle just a bit with my own demons. I went to the market this evening and had to restrain myself from buying pretzel bits. The funny part is that I'm only on mushies right now, pureed chicken or tuna salad, egg salad, things like that. I'm not sure what possessed me to think of something starchy except that I still have a little carb addict somewhere in my psyche. Gladly, my judgment returned before I managed to purchase something that would be a set back. I'm just trying to remind myself that I really don't have the room for nonsense foods at this point. I'm doing well if I can squeeze in enough Protein each day....now THAT is definitely a new feeling for me! And if I'm honest with myself, I admit that I LOVE it. Full on just a few spoonfuls of food is definitely a strange new feeling for me and one I appreciate more than I thought I would.

PJF

[faithstar 3]

thank you SO much for these responses, you've really given me much needed encouragement and I'm so so grateful for this. I have so far now lost 17.5 pounds in 16 days and feel amazing. Today I had a chocolate mousse, low fat, which tasted like heaven and I felt guilty! I am allowed to have it but it tasted too...chocolatey! And I'm a chocoholic. So I felt like I was sort of cheating. I know this comes from years of denial and binging and if I don't watch myself, I'll feel guilty for eating anything and that's not right. I am an extremist and have a very addictive personality, so just as easily I can develop an eating disorder.

I want to make sure I can eat a low fat chocolate mousse and not shout at myself because it tasted sinful but I must say, I felt full a few spoonfuls before I stopped and that made me feel out of control. I'm going to discuss those issues with my eating disorder therapist and make sure I don't go either way with it. But I'm happy I'm aware of my mind set and short comings and know it's not logical to be guilty about a low fat mousse. I think it might be linked to the fact that when I let anything tasty and sweet enter my lips, I lost control, so I'm scared to lose control again.

One day at a time though, I'm doing well and thankful.

[Eloray 3]

I did some emotional therapy in the last few years. They have this thing called tapping, it a way to recognized negative emotion /feelings in your body and replace with postive ones. Tap the out sides of your hands and repeat to yourself: I Totally and completely love myself even though I feel like bingeing. or im scared of bingeing. Do this 3 to 5 times. Keep tapping and repeat I Totally and completely love myself because I chose to eat with sensibility and vigilance. repeat 3 to 5 or til you feel better. Do this when ever these feelings arise. You can use this script for any emotion you are struggling with. This is just a simple way of starting the tapping therapy. Just remember to replace the negative/ with the postive. Another thing I did which kinda sounds even crazier but way effective for me. I would wake up with alot of negative emotions and thoughts. It would just radiate my whole body. I just couldnt stand it. So I would think of all the negative thoughts i was feeling then I would imagine pulling every negative thing out of me starting with my toes working up to my head/brain. Out of every joint and body part. I would breathe or blow it out hard. If you seen the Green Mile when that big black guy would blow out all the bad cancer stuff out. Thats what I kinda imagine it was like. I then would Breathe in all postive thoughts words or feelings back into my body. Every inch of it. These were tools I used when emotions were just so overwhelming. Maybe something to think about,try,or look into.

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

This is not a diet. You HAVE to learn a new way of life, an eating plan that you're going to be able to stick with the rest of your life.

It's good that you're seeing a professional. They are trained in eating disorders and it would be good if a lot of us could see one,. Unfortunately, it can be expensive even though it would be so beneficial.

The sleeve is a great tool. It limits your portions, but you do have to learn to not eat when you're not hungry and

how to deal with head hunger. Head hunger is a pest in our heads that's always there hiding and whispering.

My new best friend is herbal tea.

[NJMOMof2 17]

I also used the tapping along with the affirmations and it helps so much. I have also been in therapy for compulsive overeating and I can tell you this...the BIGGEST thing you did to show you love yourself is to have this surgery. Keep saying only positive and loving things about yourself and good luck!