I remember...

Dusti · January 19, 2011

I never have been "skinny", but I was never obese growing up. I guess I was what you could call chubby, at least by my standards! I don't really remember when I became this morbidly obese person that I am now. It's like I just woke up one day and there I was...this person I didn't recognize. I am so ashamed of myself, I cannot believe I have let myself get to this point, what was I thinking? I just want to feel good...I don't have some disillusioned belief that people are going to see my as a supermodel or think I am this breath taking beauty, but I do know that I am going to be thinner and most importantly HEALTHIER and that no matter what others think of me I will be beautiful! I want to have the energy to play with my kids, I want to have the desire to go places and have fun. I want to feel better about myself.

I remember about 8 years ago I had lost about 30 pounds, and prior to losing that 30 I was a lot thinner than I am now, but with 30 lbs gone I was still just a little overweight, and I looked good, if I do say so myself!! Anyways I was standing next to my grandmother and her brother came up to us and he looked at me (and he has known me my entire life...this was not a first time meeting) and looked at my grandmother and said "You have a very beautiful granddaughter" and of course my grandmother responded "I know". That is the only time I really remember someone telling me I was beautiful and really believing it, but I also remember feeling shocked....I was shocked by how suprised he seemed to be. It was like he was seeing me for the first time, that the first 28 years of my life I never really existed, that I had somehow been invisible. But somewhere in between then and now I have become invisible again.

I know this surgery is going to be hard, I have no ill conceived notions that this is going to be simple, but what I do know is that with a lot of hard work and determination I will be that beautiful person again. I cannot wait to see the shock on peoples faces, the ones that have known and seen me for years but really haven't looked at me. Because with every shocked expression and every smiling face I going to know that I am that much closer to my goal. And let me tell you something else....I'm gonna love me!