Terrified I'm going to turn into my mother post-op

[brandynd 6]

So I just returned from a scary visit at my parents house. I went out to see my mom, and she's been on a four day drinking binge. She's had some depression issues since her RNY and chooses to self medicate with alcohol. My mom had a bad drinking problem when I was growing up, but got it under control by the time I graduated high school. She's maintained her weight well, but she's had some major issues since her RNY with regards to depression.

I went out to visit her at 2 this afternoon. By the time I got there she was already half crocked, and had been drinking while taking her medicated cough Syrup as she was diagnosed with bad bronchitis earlier this week. It was so bad today that she thought I was 17, and proceeded to lecture me about hating my boyfriend (I broke up with him almost 4 years ago). I explained to her repeatedly that I'm 22, in college, and married to a man who she adores.

I'm so scared I'm going to turn into my mom. I know I'm predisposed to having an alcohol problem, and I'll be honest with you....there are days when I just get up and I want to drink. I never do of course, and I've never abused alcohol (I drink once a month--if that, and even then it's usually just a couple glasses of wine or a few beers); but still, sometimes the urge is there.

This is probably irrational and I aware of that...I'm just so scared that I'm going to spin out of control. I can't exactly talk with my friends about this, because it's so humiliating to admit that she's back to her old ways. Just feeling a little lost this evening. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense.

[juliarh 35]

First of all, I'm so sorry that you're going through this Brandy. Big hugs.

I, too, come from a family of many alcoholics. I think that, frankly, you're wise to be a little concerned about yourself -- I'm always watching myself too. The reason being is that a new study came out showing that people with a family history of alcoholism had a tendency to be obese.

It's not that surprising if you think about it -- alcohol is made from carbohydrates (grain, rice, sugar, etc.) and we get obese from carbohydrates. Two sides of the same coin.

Now, I'm not saying that ALL people who are obese or suffered from obesity have to be concerned about addiction. But I do think that people who have had a family history of alcoholism do need to be aware of the potential of cross-addiction (going from food to something else).

That said, I think because you're aware and concerned, you're less likely to fall into the cross-addiction trap -- for example, I just don't drink anymore. I rarely drank before I had the sleeve and now, from what I've read, it's just not worth it. (Get tipsy really fast and then the tipsy feeling subsides really quickly. ugh.) So that's my choice. And nowadays it's easier to just not drink.

Again, I am sooo sorry this has happened to you and to your mom. It's not easy to see someone you love so much go through this. But realize it's not about you and you cannot fix it. I really really recommend that, if you haven't already, get involved in Al-Anon or Adult children of alcoholics or something that may appeal to you --

And lastly and I think most importantly, YOU ARE NOT YOUR MOTHER. I hope you know this. Every person who grows up in an alcoholic family fears the worst about themselves (and when they get married, their spouse, their children, etc.). I've gone through it for years.

And if you need someone to vent to, I'm here, there are so many people here on the board. We're happy to be shoulders, ears, whatever you need.

Take care and big hugs -- Julie

[brandynd 6]

First of all, I'm so sorry that you're going through this Brandy. Big hugs.

I, too, come from a family of many alcoholics. I think that, frankly, you're wise to be a little concerned about yourself -- I'm always watching myself too. The reason being is that a new study came out showing that people with a family history of alcoholism had a tendency to be obese.

It's not that surprising if you think about it -- alcohol is made from carbohydrates (grain, rice, sugar, etc.) and we get obese from carbohydrates. Two sides of the same coin.

Now, I'm not saying that ALL people who are obese or suffered from obesity have to be concerned about addiction. But I do think that people who have had a family history of alcoholism do need to be aware of the potential of cross-addiction (going from food to something else).

That said, I think because you're aware and concerned, you're less likely to fall into the cross-addiction trap -- for example, I just don't drink anymore. I rarely drank before I had the sleeve and now, from what I've read, it's just not worth it. (Get tipsy really fast and then the tipsy feeling subsides really quickly. ugh.) So that's my choice. And nowadays it's easier to just not drink.

Again, I am sooo sorry this has happened to you and to your mom. It's not easy to see someone you love so much go through this. But realize it's not about you and you cannot fix it. I really really recommend that, if you haven't already, get involved in Al-Anon or Adult children of alcoholics or something that may appeal to you --

And lastly and I think most importantly, YOU ARE NOT YOUR MOTHER. I hope you know this. Every person who grows up in an alcoholic family fears the worst about themselves (and when they get married, their spouse, their children, etc.). I've gone through it for years.

And if you need someone to vent to, I'm here, there are so many people here on the board. We're happy to be shoulders, ears, whatever you need.

Take care and big hugs -- Julie

Oh you are so sweet. It's just been difficult dealing with that, as well as handling the stress of the upcoming surgery. Sometimes it feels like I'm looking into a mirror and seeing the worst parts of myself being lived out by her. I doubt that makes much sense, but that's how it feels. She called me last night sloppy drunk again. This time wanting to talk about how she's so excited to go to TJ with me so we can go out and have margaritas. Explained to her AGAIN that I won't be drinking...I'll be having surgery, and she's going to make sure that I'm okay.

At this point I'm rethinking whether or not I want her to go. She's a wonderful nurse, and great when she isn't drinking; but I don't know if I can trust her to stay sober the entire time we're down there. That's awful. I feel like I've betrayed her just by typing those words onto the screen. I plan on getting into group for adult children of alcoholics, but right now the only time they meet in my city is Monday's, and I have class on Monday night. So I'll have to try and get there once I finish up this course. I'm in an accelerated program at my school (trying to knock out my last 5 classes before grad school!) and this class ends at the end of the month, so hopefully I'll be able to get in there soon!

I did call and talk to my dad today. He's been pretty supportive of everything. I told him about being worried for her, and he feels the same way. He's been clean and sober for 15 years, after a particularly frightening incident when my siblings and I were children. I don't know how he does it being around her, but he's still on the wagon and going strong. Said he couldn't stand the thought of taking another drink and hurting the family any more than what he's already done. I'm just hoping he'll talk her into getting help before it gets worse.

[thinoneday 445]

So I just returned from a scary visit at my parents house. I went out to see my mom, and she's been on a four day drinking binge. She's had some depression issues since her RNY and chooses to self medicate with alcohol. My mom had a bad drinking problem when I was growing up, but got it under control by the time I graduated high school. She's maintained her weight well, but she's had some major issues since her RNY with regards to depression.

I went out to visit her at 2 this afternoon. By the time I got there she was already half crocked, and had been drinking while taking her medicated cough Syrup as she was diagnosed with bad bronchitis earlier this week. It was so bad today that she thought I was 17, and proceeded to lecture me about hating my boyfriend (I broke up with him almost 4 years ago). I explained to her repeatedly that I'm 22, in college, and married to a man who she adores.

I'm so scared I'm going to turn into my mom. I know I'm predisposed to having an alcohol problem, and I'll be honest with you....there are days when I just get up and I want to drink. I never do of course, and I've never abused alcohol (I drink once a month--if that, and even then it's usually just a couple glasses of wine or a few beers); but still, sometimes the urge is there.

This is probably irrational and I aware of that...I'm just so scared that I'm going to spin out of control. I can't exactly talk with my friends about this, because it's so humiliating to admit that she's back to her old ways. Just feeling a little lost this evening. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense.

Oh my I'm so sorry to hear that. . so sorry in fact I really don't know how to respond to you. . alcholism is terrible and does terrible things to those who are addicted and to their families and friends. . . you've heard this 1000000 times before but a reminder might not hurt. . . "you can turn the cycle around" You don't have to be like her. . . Don't feel lost, we are here for you and yes it does make alot of sense. . . today I wished i had remained on the forum but i decided to allow my addiction to food get the best of me. . . i may not have gone overboard as before the surgery, but i ate a bit of nearly everything in the house. . it was so disqusting I'm so sad i did that, but tomorrow is another day. . . i could make tons of excuses for my behavior today but that would be just that excuses for my behavior. . . in church yesterday the priest talked about (this is not a religious thing but made sense) the events on 911. . he said that when the passengers on the plane that crashed into the pentagon realized things were not looking good for them and they realized they were going to die, one passenger called his wife and said "We are going to die today, but some of us are going to do something about it" . . . so yes, we are ALL going to die, but we can do something about it. . . just like we can all do something about how we react to the future and how we live our lives. . . either to the fullest or just as our mothers. . . good luck and keep posting. . .

[feedyoureye 3,087]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through all this at this time...(or any time really!) Is this something your dad can help you with? I mean take care of mom? I don't think its a good time for you to have to take care of her on your surgery trip...Could you asking her to stay home be part of an intervention of sorts for her? A wake up call? I know you want your mom by your side, but is there someone else that might sit in for her and take care of you on the trip?

best of luck to you...

[juliarh 35]

At this point I'm rethinking whether or not I want her to go. She's a wonderful nurse, and great when she isn't drinking; but I don't know if I can trust her to stay sober the entire time we're down there. That's awful. I feel like I've betrayed her just by typing those words onto the screen.

You might be able to answer the question of whether she should go with you or not by asking yourself: "Who will I be most concerned about when I am in the hospital?" If the answer is not yourself, then she should not go -- the surgery is major surgery -- granted it's lapryscopic and the recovery time is fairly quick for most people. But, the last thing you need to worry about when you're getting surgery is your mom. Let your dad take care of her. I would see if there is someone else who would be willing to go with you . . . I hope that's not stepping over the line by saying that, but right now, I don't see how she can be a good nurse when she can't take care of herself.

By the way, you haven't betrayed her -- you're speaking the truth to fears you have -- that's not a betrayal -- that's the truth. Remember, you're not required to keep your mom sober and/or viewed in a positive light by others -- that's her job.