Should I tell my dad??

[ShaliseSleeved@18 0]

Okay you guys to give you all a lil background info about me....I have always lived with my grandparents and my aunt. My dad is in my life but not as often as I wanted him to be growing up. He and my mom broke up when I was very young(too young to remember).

My mom's insurance covered my surgery Last July...an agreement between some of my family members was that we not tell my dad because he is so negative and would not agree to it and would speak inappropriately to me and my mom about it.(Because she also had wls)

I had my wls 2 weeks before it was time to move and start my college life(STARTING AT 240) therefore, he seen no major results then. My first time coming home via greyhound was for my birthday(Nov 6th) he saw me and was shocked(WEIGHING 190 then!!)...thinking I was starving myself at school or doing drugs!!! I just told him I exercised at my school's rec, which I am. He told all of his in-laws and they then looked on my Facebook comparing my prom pics to my birthday pics.

The next time he saw me was for thanksgiving(WHICH I WEIGHED 184 then) and Christmas break...He is sayin things like "I'm gonna find out what's going on, and the reason you are losing weight it's just crazy" I really don't have a reply to the things he say about me.

Now that my winter break is almost over and its time to go back to school(I WEIGH 170) OMG:D this is with minimum exercise. I can only imagine if I had access to the gym like I do at school.!!

-To get to the point...I won't see my family again until spring break. I am so afraid of what he may say then about the weight loss. I'm wondering fellow sleevers should I go ahead and tell him? Or should I just let him think what ever he wants?

[Rootman 1,101]

Sorry if I'm inappropriate here and rude but I'd advise to tell him to "MIND HIS OWN DAMN BUSINESS". Not knowing the the relationship you have with your father beyond what you describe it appears he is a controlling SOB. If anything I'd just tell him you are finally getting serious about your weight issues and are dieting and exercise ( which are all true) and to leave the issue ALONE.

WHO you tell WHAT and the fact you have an agreement with your other family should be enough to keep the info from your dad.

[pumpkin07 32]

Gosh, I really feel your predicament because you are so young, and your parents should still be a huge part of your life.

But unfortunately as many of us learn at some point in life, this is how lies go, they build. It takes more lies to cover the lie, etc.

If you were 40 it would be different, but I'm assuming you are like 18 years old...right?

So, I would disagree with some others and say I think your best choice would be to apologize and confess. If you man up and be honest with your dad saying something like "I decided to have surgery because _...._. I decided not to tell you because I was afraid you would (argue/make fun of me)...... But I respect you, and I do not want to continue to lie to you, so I decided to confide in you. I hope you will support me in this decision. And I'm sorry I was not honest about this. "

I would maybe keep your mom out of it as much as possible, bc this really fuels a fire. Like if you say WE decided not to tell you, ugh, now he is mad at everyone. You could say "I asked them not to tell you".

As a parent, honestly, I'd be horrified and furious if my kid's dad participated in WLS surgery for my child without my knowledge. Truly, I would be highly upset. But your situation is different because you were not raised by your dad. But you are in college still...so hard to see what his involvement will be. But I personally think your mom didn't make a great decision to put this on her insurance, but not make sure your dad at least knew about it. Parents are often wise, and can offer great advice for you. So when our kids make such huge life-long decisions, wow, without their parent's support that is such a big thing to us.

Also, he will be upset bc EVERYONE hid this from him. And I think you and your mom made a mistake in not informing him because it does sound like he is a part of your life.

It is hard for you to see, but as parents we often are the ones that pick up the pieces from the decisions our children make. So we really don't like after-the-fact surprises very much. But we are always able to forgive, especially if someone is honest at some point and accepts responsibility.

In any event, congratulations on your weight loss! It is a shame this little lie has put a damper on your happiness. I've done stuff, hidden before, when I was younger. It is just not the right road to be on. Honesty is the best policy, particularly with parents. Unless we are old enough and have enough resources to pick up our own pieces. And even then, heh, parents like to be included because we love our kids - the jewels of our lives.

[mellifrits 25]

I do the same as you with keeping my WLS a secret. When I got my sleeve I was a live in Nanny for my bestfriend and I made the choice to also keep her in the dark. She is like your Dad in the aspect of trying to keep control in putting you down. She said some of the same things to me BUT I knew if I told her the truth nothing would change. She would still put me down just for a different reason. Plus she would tell EVERYONE about my WLS and I do not want that at all! I am 23 years old and I don't want people I don't trust knowing my secrets.

What do you really think will change if you tell him? I'm sure it will be the same as he treated your mother.

[juliarh 35]

You know, I have to agree with pumpkin. I have a college freshman myself. Even though he feels, and we want him to feel, that he is old enough and mature enough and responsible enough to be on his own, he is still our child. We are still paying for him to go to school, etc. And frankly, until he is paying his own way, we feel that he is obligated to treat us as though we had final say in important matters.

If he had major surgery (which this is) and didn't tell me, I would be royally, royally pissed. Now, I TOTALLY understand why you didn't tell him, don't get me wrong. I really, really do. BUT

Many years ago my Mother in law did not inform my husband and me about my father in law's surgery for colon cancer. It wasn't until after the surgery, after he had his colon completely removed and was being treated for invasive cancer did she let us know. I was pissed. This was someone I loved and I would have liked to have been there or at least been given the opportunity to pray. She thought she was doing us a favor by not having us worry. wrong.

That said, I really understand why you and your mom decided not to tell your dad. I do think you will need to sit him down, find a day when he does not feel like he's being criticized, and ask him to listen and then you will listen to him. (Cars are a great place to do this in because both people are strapped in and have to listen.)

Tell him 1) you were afraid of the criticism; 2) you felt you needed to do this for your health; 3) you've never felt better about yourself; 4) you hope that he will give you his support and love even though you know that withholding the information was probably not a good idea.

Hopefully he will listen. You will have to listen to him too and accept the fact that he will feel angry and hurt.

I promise you that in the end, it will be better -- a lie is always hard to overcome, but you can do it!!

Let us know what happens -- hugs!

[thinoneday 445]

Okay you guys to give you all a lil background info about me....I have always lived with my grandparents and my aunt. My dad is in my life but not as often as I wanted him to be growing up. He and my mom broke up when I was very young(too young to remember).

My mom's insurance covered my surgery Last July...an agreement between some of my family members was that we not tell my dad because he is so negative and would not agree to it and would speak inappropriately to me and my mom about it.(Because she also had wls)

I had my wls 2 weeks before it was time to move and start my college life(STARTING AT 240) therefore, he seen no major results then. My first time coming home via greyhound was for my birthday(Nov 6th) he saw me and was shocked(WEIGHING 190 then!!)...thinking I was starving myself at school or doing drugs!!! I just told him I exercised at my school's rec, which I am. He told all of his in-laws and they then looked on my Facebook comparing my prom pics to my birthday pics.

The next time he saw me was for thanksgiving(WHICH I WEIGHED 184 then) and Christmas break...He is sayin things like "I'm gonna find out what's going on, and the reason you are losing weight it's just crazy" I really don't have a reply to the things he say about me.

Now that my winter break is almost over and its time to go back to school(I WEIGH 170) OMG:D this is with minimum exercise. I can only imagine if I had access to the gym like I do at school.!!

-To get to the point...I won't see my family again until spring break. I am so afraid of what he may say then about the weight loss. I'm wondering fellow sleevers should I go ahead and tell him? Or should I just let him think what ever he wants?

I agree, it's none of his damn business and you could just tell him "whatever you want to believe dad you go for it, but i'm just losing weight for me and that's it" and leave it at that. . .he doesn't need to know ESPECIALLY since he didn't care to raise you and SUDDENLY he cares? PLEASE. . . (sorry that was mean but true) no you don't owe the fool any explaination whatsoever.

[Disney 20]

I really feel bad for you that you feel you have to 'hide' your weight loss from him. It should be such a happy thing and he is making you feel like you can't even enjoy it because you are dreading seeing him ever so often.

I understand you didn't tell him initially because he would have been negative about it, but he really is being negative anyway and he doesn't even know what happened. So in my opinion, you might as well tell him. He might blow up one big time, but that would probably be it ( I mean, you can't exactly go back in time and change what you did. Nor would you want to.) and at least then you won't have to dread visits with him.

[renniemommie 8]

Just tell him. Even if you aren't close, etc, he is clearly worried about you and will get more so when he sees you next. You'll have a little shi*t to pay, questions to answer, then you can move on. Truth always better.

[myrori 55]

For the life of me as a parent I can not figure out why he would not be happy that you are getting healthy. You are saving yourself from a life ridden with illness.

[wareagle40 3]

I'm just going to tell you that I'm 40 yrs old and live a few miles from my parents and work at a family run company with my dad and I'm not telling them. I am going to Mexico on 3/11 a friend is going with me and I have no intention of ever telling my parents. They will be so negative about going to Mexico. They would treat me like I was having a back alley abortion and I just don't want to listen to it. So I have started my pre-op diet early and I'm just going to drink Protein shakes around them and Protein Bars and let them think I finally learned how to stick to a diet. Tell him you've been doing Atkins or Weight Watchers and your just fully committed now that your in college. He doesn't need to know if you don't want to listen to it and it appears you know what his reaction will be. Good Luck and glad to hear about your weight loss.

[christina@MIA 12]

I would rather someone know the the truth even if they are pissed and negative about my decision. And this is why....Rumors! The next thing you know it will be said that your on Crack, have Aids, have Cancer, or Bulimic. I could careless what people think about my surgery. They dont live in my body. And when and if I ever see my dad and he has a commit, that is just what I will tell him too. Parent or not, don't let him affect your happiness.

[curtsj01 1]

Secrets can not be kept forever. I understand not wanting to tell everyone due to the stigma attached to WLS. But eventually he will learn the truth. I'd rather give him the information so that he may do with it as he pleases rather then him making stuff up telling people I am on drugs etc. etc. etc. If you don't have the closest of relationships with him (as I with my mom) you can make the choice if you are going to actively continue to listen to his negative behavior after letting him know. Negativity is negativity. I would rather it be about the truth rather then a falsehood that he may be spreading about you.

Maybe he will need time to process the info, but my wishes are that with time he will be happy that you made the decision to get you health under control and not live a life full of co-morbid diseases. When I explain it to people as such - that I just want to be healthy, not live with all these obesity related diseases and I admit that I can not do it with diet and exercise alone; they seem to understand it better then just thinking I wanted the easy way out.

Since you have already lost 70+ lbs, give him examples of how this has changed your life. Are you sleeping better, concentrating in school better, are stairs easier to handle, more energy, more active? You don't need to sell him on the idea because it's done. I would explain to him that your only request is that he be happy that you made a positive choice in your life so the next 50-70 years is not going to be a living hell. And remember, no matter what he says, it's already done. Nobody is going to put your stomach back in. So he can say what he wants, it's not going to change the fact.

I have gone up and down in weight too many times in the last 10 years. When my friends and family can tell me where I tend to lose the weight first on my body, it makes my wish I would have done it at your age. I think it is a great decision to start your adult life with. Kudos to you.

[Margaret 4]

I have to agree here. He might be worried and although you'll have to listen to the , "Why didn't you tell me?" stuff, truth is the best avenue to travel. Just tell him you did what was right for YOU and YOU are thrilled with your new start. Play the "please be happy with me" card and if telling him in person is too hard, hit a card shop for a beautiful card and write him a letter.

Just tell him. Even if you aren't close, etc, he is clearly worried about you and will get more so when he sees you next. You'll have a little shi*t to pay, questions to answer, then you can move on. Truth always better.