Whinning about the Questions!

[NotSoLittleMermaid 14]

I just have to gripe a minute.. bear with me. Just had WLS surgery on 12.17 My nosey friends/aquantances/workmates all wanted to know where were going and why. I try as hard as I can to be an honest person-not to lie and told them what state up North we were went to. They all wanted to know why we were going, and we told most of them we were going to see friends and/or have hetial hernia surgery for bad acid reflux. (True)

Fast forward to yesterday. I made the mistake of going out with my best friend and her husband. Trying to cut down, I ordered a cup of cheesey bacon potato Soup (under 200 cal) and rolls (vs. my usual HUGE plate of 1500 calorie Pasta.) I ate all that I could, but still couldn't finish it. I felt like I was eating it constantly and since it was something heavy that could have possibly filled up a normal person, it would have not been obvious that I had WLS. (For those of you questioning fatting cheesey potato soup- I stayed within my calories for the day.)

She brought up the idea of going on a certain diet together. I told her I was doing a calorie restricted diet, where I exercised and ate more often to rev up my metabolism and in smaller amounts (true). She is also overweight and we walk together.

Then she flat out asked me if I had my stomach stapled and I should have said NO, (because truthfully I didn't-mine was folded and sewn) but I ended up telling her everything and making her promise not to tell anyone. She told me how all of our friends were speculating on why we were going out of state and what were were doing.. One thought I was getting a boob job. I believe that my friend can be trusted (I hope) but I still feel violated. I am SO mad at myself for answering so quickly and telling her everything. She said she that she suspected it when I only ordered a cup of soup and couldn't finish it. When I asked her if it would have been better if I ordered a whole meal, picked at it and took the rest home, she Yes, that would be less obvious. It makes me not want to go out with people for meals (one of my FAVORITE pastimes). I am currently still in the mushie stages and can't do salads yet.

I feel like there is a double standard. It is fine for someone who has always been skinny or displined, doesn't have an appetite-to order/eat tiny amounts and no one will question it. I went out with a couple to Long Horns and the wife is a ballet teacher and ordered...drum roll please! A SIDE salad & water! No one said a word or even noticed. Take the overweight person, and all the sudden everyone is looking at what your eating and sizing you up. Why is the fat girl only getting soup?

I know this is only going to get worse when I do start losing serious weight. I am trying to spread the word that I am on a calorie restricted diet, with exercise and eating more often to rev up my metabolism and in smaller amounts (which is ALL true) to help answer the question on why I am loosing weight. But people are still trying to size me up why I went out of state and what I did there. When I was on Phentermine, my friends overheard a business assocate tell someone I didn't even know that I had WLS (a year before I ever had even thought about it.) I don't feel like it is anyones' business or they have the right to know anymore then if someone had errectile disfunction or had surgery on their woman parts.

My dad asked when I am going to "come out of the closet." The way I feel right now, never. I already feel voliated even telling my best friend-I am SO mad at myself I couldn't sleep last night and really wonder if my parents will slip. I told my parents because I wanted their help (first time ever having serious surgery and felt like I owed it to them.) If I had to do it over, I would have only told my hubby. For me it went so smoothly it was no different then being put down for an endoscope or colonscopy and people have those all them time without saying goodbye to their family. I've explained to my parents and friend that I don't want people to know and I don't want to be judged like: "oh, she wasn't fat enough for surgery, or oh, she didn't have enough self control to loose it on her own, or wow! where did they get the money? or she took the easy route, no wonder she is skinny."

I want to help people who are overweight to know about great WLS options, but I don't feel like I have to tell them I had one -I can tell them about an article I read or something I heard someone else mention or a really good website (like this).

How do you handle the questions and pressure? I don't want to bite peoples heads off, but I really want privacy. I am sure that if I told them I had hemroid surgery of something embarassing that would shut them up and is none of their business. But why do people have to feel that everything is their business? I don't want to lie and I am trying to find ways around telling everyone my business or resorting to lying. Has anyone experienced this and found it challanging?

[SimiLater 0]

Hi - at first I wanted to keep everything private and told only my family but then they began telling people. I think I personally only told a handful of people but word spreads fast in this world. Everyone so far has been so accepting (at least to my face) and I decided not to care anymore. People just keep sending me good wishes for a speedy recovery. I didnt do this for anyone else but myself and I'm not ashamed of it. I had my surgery on 12/20 and I feel great. To me its not worth holding in anger or resentment. I needed it for a better quality of life and I got it - just like if I needed gall bladder surgery. But I understand how you feel. Maybe people will surprise you.

[ldydrgnkpr 49]

I agree, I have told my family and they are very supportive and my closest and dear friends. One who which is also going through the six month required diet for the sleeve. I have decided at work ( my supervisor knows and of course HR will know when I have the surgery as I will do FMLA for the two week recovery period) Just to tell the ones noticing that I'm shrinking that I have started the Atkins diet and walking and doing some yoga. (The people that I work with in my small department (8 people) know but they have forgotten all about it. No one mentions it. Which is okay with me. No big deal. ) I have only one more month and the eval with the shrink and I'm done and will be submitting to UHC. So I can surely understand where you are coming from. Good luck with your success!!!!!!

[NotSoLittleMermaid 14]

Thanks so much for your responses!

[Tiffykins 673]

No one has ever asked me outright if I've had surgery. But, that could be that I'm pretty open about surgery. I've found nothing but support and compassion from my friends.

When I was around 3.5-4 months out, I joined our spouse's club on base. I started getting active in the social functions, and joined the bowling league. Since I was still early out, I did divulge to my partner, and the lady in charge of bowling about my surgery. I figured if I had any issues, someone needed to know what was going on with me. Well, after bowling, we go to lunch. At first, I wasn't sure how it would be received, but because of me being open about it, 4 of my closest friends have had sleeve surgery. They all tell if I had not shared, they would have never had the courage to seek the referral. We all have a common bond, we share the ups and downs, they saw that I could lead a normal life, eat freely choice wise, and not have to diet to lose weight. I did have one lady make a snide comment, and of course, me being me, made a snide comment right back! ! !

I have also found when we don't make a big deal about it, other people follow suit. I did play with my food early out, I did order appetizers, and did take home leftovers to avoid comments, but I have had nothing but fabulous support from my friends.

We're military so I don't live close to my family, and I've received mixed reviews.My brother told me I looked sickly, and gangly. My mother, I won't even go there. But, we've had many of arguments over my weight loss.

I do not go into details about the surgery unless asked. Then I explain the mechanics, and the actual operation as briefly as I can. If someone wants more information, I offer to email the research I have stored.

I am a super open person, always have been, so I took the same approach with surgery. It's not for everyone, and I respect that decision. I've just found that most people are not judgmental when it comes to my choice to be healthy.

[slowkat 1]

I'm so sorry that ppl in your life can't respect you or your privacy...how dare they be so nosey as to "HAVE to just KNOW what you're up to." This is my fear also that ppl will judge me in that I had "gained all the weight bk that I had lost yrs ago" & "couldn't keep it off" but mine is due to post-partum hypothyroidism. Had it not been for this, I would still be healthy & happy. I am still on the fence w/trying to decide what to do for fear of that being judged that I couldn't do it on my own so I commend you for taking that step & wish you support & best wishes for your weight loss!!! Just remember, it's no one's business what you do, where you go or why you're there. If you don't want someone to know, just simply don't tell them. When approached w/the same type of questions, I just say politely "It's not something I prefer to discuss w/co-workers, my husband & I are really private people & while I appreciate your enthusiasm, I choose not to discuss my private life outside the home." Sometimes I get an attitude from the person so I might say "well I'm sorry that I disappointed you in not telling you my private goings on but that's just the way we are..." ...maybe that will help you. You prob just were excited abt the procedure & the anticipation of the eventual weight loss as to why you told your friend but trust that she will keep that to herself & if anyone asks abt it then you can chose what to do from that point. Hope this bit of support helps! I'm still undecided! Good luck!!!

[**LaSaJaTa** 4]

I'm sorry your having such difficulties, and I know we all feel differently about "if"/"who" to tell. Personally, for myself, I told anyone and everyone who asked/asks. If I can help 1 person, by sharing the knowledge that there are "choices" and options to get healthy, and STAY healthly, then I feel I've contributed in a good way...

I feel great, and this is the best thing I've ever done. Why not share that? I do not believe my choice for VSG signals a "failure" but rather, recognition that I no longer want to live that "big girl" life...and confirmation that I was strong enough to do something about it!!!!

Good Luck.

[Susanne 32]

Maybe I am just a putz myself, but I too feel like I have the right to ask my BEST friend if she had surgery. That's the right of a best friend - colleagues and casual acquaintances, no.

In all honesty, I just don't care much, what other peeps think. You don't like what I did? Well, get over it or go fcuk yourself (pardon my french). I am not starting to become a liar just because you may or may not support my decision.

[M2G 1,836]

I have only told who I wanted to tell, and so far no one has pressured me into 'spilling' the Beans so to speak. I'm sure when I've lost more weight* people will start asking more questions and honestly I think it will just depend on WHO is asking, HOW they are asking, and MY MOOD of the moment. lol.<BR> <BR>*Interestingly enough, I just blogged about how it's almost sad that people don't notice wieght loss (on me personally) until I've lost about -50lbs. So I guess since that is my next goal I better get myself ready for some nosy questions.

[pcos_chick 23]

A friend of mine has twins. Two beautiful boys. And people can't seem to help themselves but ask her, "Are they natural?" referring to naturally conceived or conceived with the help of fertility drugs and procedures. And its incredibly invasive and completely none of their business. I'm always shocked when people ask that and I have a tendency to butt in and answer, "Nope, they are totally fake babies." Then proceed to stare them down.

Folks have big mouths and use them without thinking... they do this all the time. Sometimes they do this because they care more than they want to be polite or be sensitive to people's privacy. I think you just need to find a way of reestablishing the boundary when someone crosses it. If someone asks you why you are going away some where you can answer, "I'm doing a little something for myself." And follow that up with a question back at them about something else.

Just because someone asks a question doesn't mean you have to answer it.

Someone posted on here about a guy asking her in the gym if she had had WLS. The first thing that popped into my mind as a response, when I read that was, "So did you have that penis enlargement surgery?"

Now that's not for everyone I know that I tend to be a bit more in-your-face when it comes to this kind of stuff but there are ways to remind folks that you have boundaries. Even folks that are close to you.