female only How did VSG change your primary relationship with Sig Other?

[pumpkin07 32]

10 mos. out things are not so great at home. These are the changes I have experienced and wanted to compare with others:

1) sex - he likes it better, gets it rarely and he is not happy about it (I have lower libido)

2)he is a bit jealous and less secure - and I find myself distancing which is probably causing this

3)I am more moody and often bitchy. PMS is worse for me now in my mood/can't control temper very well lately

4)I am more tired at night

5)our relationship is getting harder

6)why is this happening now?

You would think things would be better, but for us this is the first time we've ever had distance bt us like this. I seem to be less tolerant and compliant. I find myself just not being nice to my kids or him and later regretting it. He has children from first marriage and the daughter's reaction to me now is bad, really bad. She liked me better fat for sure.

I'm just not sure what to do here. I just seem to be becoming a bit reclusive at times, wanting quite a bit of time to self and cannot get it/can't find it. I think it has to do with coping with surgery and just wanting more time for personal and spiritual growth. I'm just more demanding about it now bc it seems a little more important to me than pleasing everyone all the time.

He says I wasn't like this before, but just cannot remember what I was like before.

[TexasT 99]

I'm not sure how old you are, but you sound EXACTLY like I was in my mid 30's. My PMS got so bad that I eventually went on an antidepressant. Tried several and Zoloft worked for me. Unfortunately, they also decrease your libido. I had a full hysterectomy at age 41, so that screwed up my hormones too. Then I met a wonderful female gyn doc who prescribed me testosterone cream. Now I have an amazing libido and my sex life is fantastic. And I've been with the same guy for 30 yrs now.

But even without the meds, I made a conscious decision one day to NOT deny my husband sex anymore. This was a couple of years before my hysterectomy. We were going through a tough time and thinking about a divorce. Sex was a hot topic and I felt the same way you do now. But I thought, let's just see what happens if I just go ahead and have sex when he wants it, even if I'm not in the mood. I believe this was critical in saving my marriage and helping us work through other issues. It took far more energy to have that conflict about sex than to just do it and be done with it and make him happy. It was a quick and painless solution to a common problem. I did it out of love for my husband and don't feel like I "gave in" or gave up any of my rights as a woman. Now the shoe's on the other foot - I have a higher sex drive than the hubby - and he does it for me when HE'S not in the mood.

It sounds like you have other issues going on too that meds may not be able to help though. My husband has moments of insecurity because I look so much better now, but I just do my best to reassure him that I still love him and have no intention of even thinking about leaving him. Distancing yourself will only make things worse and will do nothing to try and save the relationship. But I understand that it's hard to be intimate physically and mentally with someone that is suspicious and jealous.

I'm not sure why you're tired. Have you had blood work done recently? You may be low in Iron or B Vitamins. I take a B12 supplement daily and I think it really helps my energy, in addition to my mult-Vitamin.

[Tiffykins 673]

We have not gone through any major changes like this since losing weight. BUT, I will say that I do take time for myself, and I do not feel guilty about it. I also got into volunteering, and went back to work part time so I could have something that was "Just mine". I felt an enormous amount of guilt because of my complications, and my husband admitting to me the emotional turmoil he endured while deployed because he could not be here. I threw myself into being super wife, and super mom. Least to say, the resentment started creeping in, and I had to make necessary changes to keep me sane. I have a girls night out almost weekly now, and it's not anything major, it's typically a night out at Chili's for happy hour and appetizers. It's just those little things that I have to do to have something for ME. It may seem selfish to others, but I've always been the type of person that believes if I'm not happy, I can't be happy for anyone else. Before I was a wife and mother, I was/am a woman, and I need to take care of me mentally. It's one of the main reasons I'm going to start counseling after the first of the year because I have some deep-seated issues that I can't resolve on my own. As for sex drive, it's opposite in this household. I could hump my husband every day of the week, but he's not that sexual. He's content with a couple times a week, and I've learned that quality is much more important than quantity. Grant it, I'd like to have sex more often, a lot of that is the fact we are trying to conceive, and I want to do it all the time like a 16yr old teenager. In all honestly, my husband's military career is extremely demanding, on top of my needing constant reassurance because he's constantly working, I'm needy now, more than ever, and I equate his love for me with the amount of sex we have or don't have. It's a vicious cycle, and I'm working on the fact that just because he's not rushing home to have sex with me doesn't mean he doesn't love and worship the ground I walk on.

I can relate with you on the PMS/bitchiness. I'm beyond horrible to be around during my ovulation week. I'm overly sensitive, and I get downright cranky. I have a schedule and I like to stick to it. I'm stubborn, and hard-headed and so is he, so you can imagine how we clash when my hormones are raging.

If you want to save your marriage, I really recommend getting into some counseling be it with him or without him.

[Brooklyn732 7]

I hate to butt in on the ladies forum but I want to give my $.02. As a man (and I can ONLY speak for myself) I HATE it when I wife has sex with me "just because I want it". If she's not into it, I can tell and I am immediately turned off. I want my wife to want me (one of my reasons for losing weight) and I want her to be into our love making. It means too much to me to cheapen it by making it mechanical or obligatory. Maybe my wife is just a bad actress and I am very glad about that because I don't want her to "fool me" into thinking that she wants me. And it makes the times that we DO make love so much better.

I agree with what the ladies have already said. It seems like from what you're saying, you are focusing on yourself so don't feel guilty about that! But have you found a way to communicate your goals to your husband? Is there any way you can bring him into the process? Make him feel like he's contributing in some way and he won't feel left out. For me, the littlest things go a long way. Show him that you appreciate the space that he's giving you and how much it means to you. Things may have changed because of your surgery, but make the change be for the better. If you really love him and want to make it work, there is no such thing as "over-communicating".

Sorry for interrupting ladies. I have no idea why I keep wandering into the powder Room...

[pumpkin07 32]

haha that last post made me laugh at my desk!

He made a comment last night that he needs his fat and horny wife back haha. But actually this started after the birth of our youngest son 3.5 years ago. I'm 47 now, so I was 44 then. He doesn't miss the weight, but when I was Tiffy's age I was like her just always ready to go. But that I was at my sexual peak according to things I've read. Now what am I, feels like the bottom of the barrel.

I have tried to fake it, and sometimes it works well especially if its quick (that is so mean I know). But there are times, realizing around PMS time, that my breasts don't want to be kissed if you know what I mean. Not painful, just like not in the mood to be touched. What Vitamin is that? lol. If I fake it and he goes for the breasts I'm likely to get show my dissatisfaction on my face. So I try to just tell him.

I'll up my Vitamins too, I am never too good with those things. It feels like Vitamin D or Iron or B so I'll work on that part.

Once someone doubts you for whatever reason you feel like he is watching every step you take. I hate that. I don't want him to feel insecure, just to leave me be sometimes.

I guess it could be menopause too.

[pumpkin07 32]

I guess I'll make a gyno appt. Last time I went he referred me to WLS.

[Tiffykins 673]

I guess I'll make a gyno appt. Last time I went he referred me to WLS.

Get your hormones checked, and your thyroid. . . If your ob/gyn isn't willing to work with you, find a new one. Don't just let them medicate you without doing some diagnostics.

[thinoneday 445]

Sorry don't really know what to tell you here except maybe rehash as to why you two got married in the first place. What did you love about him, why is it gone now (if it is) I remember the first time ever when i lost 100 lbs on my own . . . I was miserable and bitchy big time. . i wanted to be free and carefree . . i wanted so many things . . . but the reality was that i was a mom, wife, and had to work and help pay bills. . .i NEEDED a break or something I wasn't sure what i wanted. . soooo I did something really stupid, I went to a conference and invited a friend to go along. . he was going through a divorce and liked me. . .but we only liked each other as friends not as lovers. . . so we went. I stayed at one hotel, he stayed at the other, I went to the conference and in the evening he'd pick me up and we'd go for dinner, and long walks or sit in a restuarant for hours just talking about nothing really. . . just friends. . . well the last day of the conference I needed to see if I had any feeling for this guy, I asked him (yes asked him) if I could give him a kiss, sure he says. . .well guess what??? NOTHING, yuk it was kissing my brother! Ewwwwww I nearly died. . . gross. . . .I told him thank you for the nice 3 days and i was glad he was my friend. . . went into my hotel room and asked myself if I had any idea of what i was doing. . . i did a reality check . . . i had a loving hubbie at home who had never cheated on me, i had 2 kids at home who drove me nuts like kids are supposed to do, i had a lovely home, which some don't have and I had a not so bad job and bank account. . . what more did i really want???? Did I really want to start over with relationships? NO, that is too much work. . so I picked up the phone and called hubbie and talked to him for a while. . . when i came home I gave him the biggest hug ever told him and the kids that i loved them and was glad i was home with them. . . after that everything was ok. . . i'm not saying that life has been all sweet and wonderful along the way, but about 10 years ago I had the perfect opportunity to cheat on my hubbie and leave what I then thought was prison. . . thank god that guy was only a good friend and we didn't have any sort of feelings towards each other in that way, but it made me realize what i really had and did i really want to lose that??? So here I am telling you my story, but it's not your story. . . we all have to walk our path in life, and whatever path you chose is the one you must travel. . . but before you travel it, think seriously about it. . . the grass is NOT greener on the other side. . . actually most times its pretty darn brown and burnt. . . Good luck and thanks for listening. . . . I have never told this to anyone. . .thought it was one of those things I'd carry to my grave. . . .

[TexasT 99]

I just wanted to clarify something regarding what I said above about having sex even when you're not in the mood. I never once "faked it" with my hubby. At that time in my life, I didn't care if I EVER had sex again. My husband was aware of my libido issues, so he knew that when I did it, it was because I loved him and wanted him to feel that fulfillment, even if I wasn't "into it" so to speak. This was something I told him I was doing to try and help save our marriage. I also believe it's kind of like when people say if you smile more often you'll eventually feel happy for real. If I had just stopped having sex at that point in our relationship then I feel the marriage would have been over many years ago. I know I wouldn't have put up with it if I had been him. That's just one way to block someone out of your life, which eventually leads to no communication.

I was 47 when I started on the testosterone cream, so I would ask your doc about it for sure. It's so amazing I took my doc a bouquet of flowers the next time I saw her just to thank her for giving me back such an important part of my life. Now I'm about ready for the last rugrat (he's almost 19 and not in college) to move out of the house so we can have it all to ourselves and not worry about getting "caught"...

[pumpkin07 32]

Oh wow ThinOneDay...you sound like how I feel.........

how old were you then?

Is it a mini mid life crisis you think?

Okay, I will let your kissing experience speak for me as well and not do that. We have been through hell and back to be together and I really want this relationship to last for me and my kids. I think for me it is the combination of me feeling kinda restless and him overly sensitive to that change and watching me extra close. Which is just irritating when you are trying to get some space for yourself to be watched so carefully. I'm not going anywhere, I need to reassure him. My fantasy is actually just to spend some time in my old apartment by myself from 14 years ago when I met him. I just want to close myself in a whole and write and cry and process and be with friends. Family life can be overwhelming at times, and holidays wow, we're there!

I'll take all your advice to heart, thanks.

I think my doctor better give me some of that magic lotion and I better keep my lips to myself. haha