I need to tell my sister

[bilka 6]

Here I am again and I'd really need some help. I have told my partner and my mum and they are both supportive. My diabetologist is enthusiastic and happy for me. My hairdresser told me I'll have to keep her updated step by step.

I have a date: the 8th February and my sister-in-law is coming with me to Athens, she is great and I love my fiancé’s family. I mean, even his mum is somehow supportive. So, 5 people know so far.

It's now time to tell my sister. I am so worried of her reaction. Seriously, compared to telling her the surgery is nothing. I have to tell her asap, surgery is in less than 2 months and can't allow her to feel like I did everything behind her back until the last day before surgery.

She is older than me (43 and I am 29) and she always acted like a father to me, because we didn't have one. She is very strict and can easily spend months without talking to me, she did it in the past when I did something she didn't like.

I go to the swimming pool twice a week with her, so no way she's not gonna notice AND she is my family doctor (I'll have to ask her for medicines) and I work for her twice a week (she'll definitely notice my absence) and I have one of her kids over every Wednesday night. So, we do have a close relationship. Don’t forget I am Italian and family is everything here. I also have only a mother and my sister as a family, no one else. My in-laws live 600 kilometers away.

She also struggled all her life with her weight but not like me. She has a lot of self control and at the moment she is perfectly fit. She loves swimming and trekking and doesn’t have many problems. This is why she will be very disappointed (not to say angry) when I’ll tell her, even if my diabetologist thinks it is a great thing. She loves to control my and my mother’s lives she really is a control-freak and I am afraid she’ll think I am not a good example for her kids because I am failure.

Lately she has been worse than usual coz she lost her husband last summer (and seeing that no one here lives nearby I can tell you: she was leaving him and he killed himself), so things are bad. She is acting weird even though she doesn’t really miss him (they had a VERY difficult relationship and she had been trying to leave him for the last 3 years): she is overwhelmed with responsibilities with the 2 kids.

How do you tell such a person? My fiancé told me I should have him close to me when I tell her so she won’t freak out too much. But what words should I use? How do I make her understand me?

[juliarh 35]

Wow -- to be honest, this does not sound like a healthy relationship that you have with your sister at all. I'm wondering if you can go to another doctor -- it's just that she seems to be involved in so many aspects of your life that you don't seem to be able to move without "running into" her. That's not healthy, particularly when she's so controlling. In fact, that's the way a lot of controlling people are -- they seem to NEED to control every aspect of other people's lives. Can you quietly find another family doctor? That will eliminate the need to tell her about the need for the medicine. Then about working for her -- you could just tell her you're not feeling well (which will be the truth).

I just don't see the need to tell her because she doesn't NEED to know -- she's your sister, not God. I think that people who are very unhealthy for us shouldn't have complete access to all info about us.

You can still be her sister, but you have to set the boundaries -- you have to tell her what information you want to share and withhold the information you don't think will be beneficial for her to know.

I haven't told my two brothers for those very same reasons -- they believe that if you control yourself and exercise that you won't have weight problems. Better said than done, in my opinion.

I don't know if that helps . . .. hugs.

[Tiffykins 673]

I agree with Julia on the toxic, unhealthy relationship aspect. Since she is so involved in your life, I do think having your fiance with you is a good idea. Do not be surprised if she is not supportive, condemning, and insulting. She might surprise you, but when someone shows you who they are, you have to believe them. I know it's difficult to tell someone who you see approval from so badly (the comments about you being a failure clued me in that you want her approval, although you don't NEED it), but I think you have to do what is right for you and your future health. You deserve to be healthy and happy regardless if your sister approves of your decision or not.

I can only imagine the feelings you are experiencing due to all of the connections you share with her. I wish you the very best, and I would use the fact that your other doctors think this is a great option for you to get healthy, and lead a life without co-morbidities.

Best wishes.

[hopeandfaith 6]

Bilka, I know some of what you are going through. I too posted a forum on should I tell my sister. LOL I haven't done it yet because I know she will be upset but the more I think about it the more I want to share it with her. I know she will be UPSET to say the least BUT she will get over it.

Your sister sounds like a VERY STRONG person BUT her husband's death has to be effecting her. She needs to go seek some help and talk about it. That is why she is acting WEIRD. She may not have LOVED him and say she doesn't MISS him reguardless the way he died has to be eating at her. Maybe she will open up to you?! I know someone that the same thing happened to him and it changed his life.

We don't HAVE to tell them but if you feel like me you want to SHARE your JOY!

It all comes down to this. You LOVE your Sister because she takes care of you and has it sounds like all your life! Tell her that you LOVE her and that you will NEED her more then ever now but you have to take care of yourself too!! You have to take control of your life and this surgery is the first step!!! She just MIGHT surprise you and be supportive. That is what I'm HOPING FOR with my Sister. LOL At least you are thinking about telling her in advance....I MIGHT be SLEEVED this month so I don't have much time to let her try to STOP ME! Which at this point no matter what is SAID...NOTHING is going to STOP ME! I want to be HEALTHY!!!

GOOD LUCK in what you decide to do and KEEP IN TOUCH!

[mp8btpc 33]

Wow that sounds like a complicated mess. First I would like to suggest reading a book called Boundaries (when to say yes and how to say no by Townsend and Mccloud), we are reading it at bible study and it just talks about how to say no and not feel guilty. It talks a lot about family of origins and how people are responsible for their own feelings of anger and that boundaries help us to stay happy and healthy and everyone is entitled to them. There are no strings attached with love and friendships.

Anywho, you are going to have to be firm and loving with your sister about your choice. You can't approach her like you need her approval but you don't want to go in like your a harda*s either or she will immediately turn on the control freak defense. Have your research on hand and appeal to her medical background as well as to her heart. Tell her how being overweight makes you feel inside, maybe you feel like you are trapped in your own body, maybe you don't feel like you are living your life as fully as you would because of self esteem. Let her know you are not taking the easy way out but that you are making an informed decision that your other medical professionals agree with. Let her know that even though she manages to keep her weight in check that you are exhausted fighting a losing battle and need a little extra help. Then leave it with you don't have to agree with my decision medically but please support me as your flesh and blood because I need you and you know I will always do the same for you.

As for her acting weird I can bet even though it was her husbands choice to kill himself any human would feel guilty deep down (not that it is their fault) but now her children have lost their father and it would really hurt me to think that someone didn't love our children enough to be around for them. There has to be a TON of different emotions going on.

I say whatever you do...go in with firmness believing in your choice and just love her through her reaction. If she totally freaks out just know she is responsible for herself and how she reacts not you.

[bilka 6]

Thank you so much for ALL your comments. I really need your support.

I have decided I am going to talk to her tonight (which is here in a couple of hours). I went to my weekly OA meeting this afternoon and I feel stronger now. We talked about family anger and forgiveness.

I think I can do it and I specially can live with the consenquences. You are all right, I DO NOT need her approval, as much as she doesn't need mine and never asked for it.

I actually know we have kind of a sick relationship but sometimes I think she and my mother are all I have of a family. No cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents nor a father. And my fiance's family is really far (I actually love my parents and brothers in-law). This is probably one of the reason why we have got this unhealthy relationship. Thank goodness I have a great and healthy relantionship with my mother...

Anyway, yes I can survive even if she won't talk to me or if she'll think the least of me.

Few years ago I left Europe in order to get some freedom and cut my family a bit out of my life. I managed to stay away 3 years (great time, actually: I worked and lived in Thailand, Japan, Australia and South korea) but then I came back for a holiday and met the love of my life

So here I am and nothing has changed, I have learnt that running away doesn't really solve any problem..

Back to my sister she does trust my opinion and talks to me a lot about her now ex-husband, about the kids, about her friends and feelings. She is not a monster, but she is very hard to deal with. And that's just in the family; she actually is a very good and understanding doctor whom her patients love (I hear all their comments!) and she is a good friend. As we know, we all give the worst to our family!

I did support her in all your choices, even when she left home without telling anyone and went living with a married man whom my mother didn't approve. The two didn't talk to each other 7 years, I was caught in the bloody middle and never complained! I think I have done enough. I guess she could support me for once.

PS: about telling my sister that I love her... We never did in our lives! We never even hugged! Not gonna happen! And there you think Italians were lonving and affectionate!

[lissi 15]

Hello! This is your health and well-being. You are an adult capable of making your own decisions. I would not allow anyone (including my sister) to decide something as important as this. Your sister might not agree with your decison, but she should support you and respect you and your decisions. Maybe you can be an inspiration to her after your surgery, so that she could do something about her weight and health.. Good Luck!

[bilka 6]

She didn't throw a tantrum.

Of curse she said that it's wrong that it's all psychological and I shouldn't do it abroad.

Problem: I can't do it here. She doesn't listen though, she call her psychiatrist friend and told her I want to do it abroad. I called her too and she asked me why I wouldn't wait and do it in Italy. Apparently no-one listens to me: I CAN'T, it's ILLEGAL. She did understand (but my sis didn't). So I asked her to give me a name of a colleague of hers who can help me before and after the surgery. My sister doesn't think much of psychologists because they didn't attend medical school, like psychiatrists did.

My sister tried to tell me that I can't do such a thing to my mum who will be here worried about me while I am abroad having surgery. Seriously: are we playing the mum-card now?

No way I'll fall for that. My mother should be worried for me now and here, not while getting a 30 minute laparoscopic surgery that will change my life in a great way.

So, from my side I have reached a compromise: I will attend a psychiatrist (instead of my dear psychologist) and will keep going to the OA. From her side... Well, she'll have to accept my surgery sooner or later.

I feel stronger. I think the idea of the surgery is making me more self-conscious, which is already great...

[mp8btpc 33]

I am glad to hear that it didn't go as badly as it could lol. I think you are making strides and I am proud of her for not totally flipping her lid. Just keep making the choices that you feel are best. Only you can know what those are.

Good job though!

[bilka 6]

I am not getting angry. It's MY life, MY body, MY health. I am going to be selfish and won't care about people. Not this time.

My sister is now insisting that I go on a diet. I said I can't afford this yo-yo again. I can't through that crap again, not physically nor psychologically.

She said that that's life. She NEVER eats carbs and she always skips lunch. She says that we just have to suffer.

She said that if I go on a diet I can skip the surgery.

She told me that we should talk (which means I listen to her and agree to everything she says), that we should involve a friend of hers in our conversation because she is a great friend and a good listener. :whatchutalkingabout ???

I am so not involving anyone else in my choice!

I know I am right. I have no doubts about my choice. I guess I'll just have to try to expalin myself one more time...

[TijuanaPlication 87]

Go Bilka! It's so easy to judge when you've not been in someone's shoes and the reason I chose surgery was because, like you, I couldn't face yo-yo of dieting AGAIN either - I've got to goal with WW twice in the last 10 years! :-S

I am not getting angry. It's MY life, MY body, MY health. I am going to be selfish and won't care about people. Not this time.

My sister is now insisting that I go on a diet. I said I can't afford this yo-yo again. I can't through that crap again, not physically nor psychologically.

She said that that's life. She NEVER eats carbs and she always skips lunch. She says that we just have to suffer.

She said that if I go on a diet I can skip the surgery.

She told me that we should talk (which means I listen to her and agree to everything she says), that we should involve a friend of hers in our conversation because she is a great friend and a good listener. :whatchutalkingabout ???

I am so not involving anyone else in my choice!

I know I am right. I have no doubts about my choice. I guess I'll just have to try to expalin myself one more time...

[Billy363627 15]

You know when I finally made the decision to do the sleeve. I had people question me telling me that I could do this without surgery. I told them yep I probably could lose some weight and then just keep putting it back on. It really suck how much it just seems to come back no matter what you change or do.. Emotionally it really sucks because you keep thinking how much of a failure you are. The damage it does to your self esteem time and time again is soo damaging to you outlook on life itself. People that don't have weight related issues just don't understand and most of them are just too damn ignorant to know how much we struggle with our self image. I admire your strenth when facing these obsticles. It is really important for you to realize it is your decision not matter what anyone says. I tell people all the time I am telling you for the simple reason of letting you know what is going on. I am not telling you for the advice I think you should give me. Good luck girl and always remember you have us to lean on no matter what..

Go February Sleevers!!!!! You Rock!!!!

[bilka 6]

Thank you so much. I guess when I stop being a food-addict I'll probably be a verticalsleevetalk-addict!

Thank you for the support.

I have the feeling things are getting better. My sister was ok at the phoe this morning. Yesterday I told her that I want to do the surgery and I am gonna need her and my fiancè's support. I also told her that I am not palnning to travel abroad for long again (from 2005 and 2008 I spent 3 years working abroad without coming back) because I love her kids too much and can't leave them alone. I guess that helped too.

And again thank you for your support. I know that only people who went through the same can understand and I finally found a place where I can be myself...