Obesity and its Affects on Relationships and Acceptance

[BZButterfly79 19]

I just read this great article written by Bruce Underwood(WLS brother) in his website. I will post the link below the article so you can explore.

Obesity and its Affects on Relationships and Acceptance Obese individuals have multiple and varying insecurities related to their obesity. These may differ depending on the when obesity became an issue, affected their life most, and length of time. Age, rewarding experiences, negative experiences, and humiliations also play major roles on how each person sees themselves and their self confidence. Parental, sibling, friendship, spousal relationships, and other relationships affect an individual prior to and following weight loss surgery.

I have not always been obese and have had lived periods of my life with several different areas of acceptance with varying degrees of confidence. These areas include intellectual acceptance, physical acceptance, sexual acceptance, peer acceptance, acceptance of friends, spousal or mate acceptance, and audience acceptance. Each of these areas is affected by an individual’s self confidence and ability to present himself in a positive way. However, acceptance and experience also affect an individual’s confidence level in each of these areas. The more success and acceptance in a particular area, the more confidence an individual has. However, more rejection reduces self confidence, which further reduces acceptance. This circular syndrome becomes exponential in its effect on an individual. Obesity plays a major role in producing this syndrome as prejudice and stereotyping are projected on obese individuals.

Individuals that have been obese all of their lives may have few or no successes in a number of areas of acceptance and may tend to naturally gravitate to other areas where they achieve success and acceptance. The fewer the areas of acceptance the lower the self esteem that a person may have. However, the person who has been obese all of their life, probably does not suffer grief from the loss of acceptance areas as some areas have never been explored. For individuals that become obese later in life, grief from the loss in specific area of acceptance is normal. Having experienced varying levels of success in an area of acceptance, the obese individual may long for those areas and may actually suffer greater depression because of the rejection that they now face in those areas.

An example of this may be that of a person who once experienced acceptance in physical beauty and was rewarded highly for their beauty. Now obese, she finds herself longing for the physical and emotional acceptance, but receives rejection. This rejection leads to anger, depression and in cases self loathing. Initially there is denial and then anger. Often diet and exercise only exacerbates the problem as dieting attempts fail. Moments of success followed by diet failures drive down the self esteem and cause greater depression. Friends, peers, relatives, and those who once were flirtatious now look around, through or away and she feels much less the person than she once was. The people around her now become part of the problem as they now become the reminder of what she once was.

Additionally, family, friends, and others may add to the problem by acting as the food or diet police with the individual. Often judgmental remarks and comments thought to be helpful actually make the person feel less acceptance and further rejected as an equal or peer. The family member, friend or person making the comment is perceived as being on a different level physically and perhaps intellectually. This perception may be with both parties involved or just by one of the parties; obese or other.

The person may react over time in several ways: Things related to beauty may not even be attempted as they are reminders of the pain. Photographs and pictures are avoided as it is easier to live with self image from the past. New photographs are only reminders of the failure and are foreign missals that destroy the image within the mind. In addition, the more positive self image from the past actually helps to promote self confidence in other areas of acceptance such as audience and individual acceptance. The person tends to gravitate to areas that make people like them. These may take the form of humor, knowledge, and expertise.

Physical activity becomes more difficult as obesity becomes more profound. Areas that require physical activity and physical fit begin to be avoided. Games, amusement parks, dance, taking car or airplane trips, hiking, theaters, etc. are avoided. The individual may begin to live vicariously through their children, family, friends, and peers. This too may become difficult as these people may resent the now “hanger on”.

Surgery and Diet makes a difference –

WLS and Diet - Stages of Difference, Awareness and Acceptance: 1) Self Notice – You notice a difference in yourself. As you begin to lose weight, you begin to notice the change. You feel physically different and you notice changes in your face and shoulders. You wonder if and when other people are going to say something.

2) Something’s Different – Others begin to notice a difference, but they are not sure what it is. I like your new hair style. Did you color your hair?. Did you use to have a beard? I thought you wore glasses? A few truly observant folks may say... You’ve lost weight... haven’t you? Usually still as a question.

3) Physical Change - Your clothes are baggy and you need a wardrobe change. You feel better and look better. A lot of people realize you are losing weight and say you look great. You and your friends are proud of the results.

4) Significant Difference - There is a significant difference in you appearance and everybody can see it even if it is not spoken. You know it and they know it. You feel better about yourself and have much greater energy and anticipation. You may or may not notice that people are beginning to treat you differently. You like the compliments and the positive feedback. You look great! Wow! What a difference! You are going to just blow away! You begin to think, wow I am looking better.

You may find yourself getting out more and taking more chances. Spreading your wings and taking little flights of freedom to see how things work now. Self Confidence increases and you begin looking at the world a little differently. Excitement seems to be ever present.

You may find that fear of failure is also increased at this point as you may not fully trust the results of success. Plateaus and periods of static weight loss may cause greater concern. Moods may seem to swing.

5) Identity Crisis – At this point you are very different physically. Your friends, family, and folks you don’t know react differently to you. You may find that the opposite sex respond flirtatiously and jokingly to you. Family, friends, peers, and co-worker relationships seem to change. Some relationships are better, but some are strained. You want more and expect more from others and yourself. You are excited about your new body and look, but may be angered and frustrated by differences in existing relationships.

Leveling occurs as people feel threatened by your new look. People may put you down in areas and /or build themselves up as they want to “level” the playing field with you.

You probably don’t know exactly where you fit in physically in the world anymore. You may have an exaggerated opinion or an under-exaggerated opinion of where people see your physical attractiveness. “I must look fantastic, because I am getting all this attention and everybody is telling me how good I look”. Or, “I am still fat and people are just saying that I look good to be nice” “He can’t be attracted to me”.

This is also a time that poses serious threats to marital relationships. The spouse may feel threatened by the vast changes in your appearance and attractiveness. In addition, the self confidence, energy level, and desire to explore may also pose threats to status quo that once existed in your relationship. Often an obese person has not been happy in a relationship, but has lacked the self confidence and desire to make a change. New energy, attractiveness, self confidence, a desire for improvement, and the inability to discern at what level one fits in socially, may promote a relationship change or a desire to “Upgrade”.

This is a time for introspection. Explore your feelings and desires. If you feel angry and frustrated, where are those feeling coming from? Who are those feelings directed towards and why? Seek out people who are honest with you and ask their opinion, but be prepared for their honest criticisms. Validate their criticisms with others that you trust. Be careful to not make rash judgments and changes, but proceed cautiously. It is a time of change, exploration, and hope as you desire to get your life back. There are those people that want to keep you confined. There are those who want to help. There are those who just want to use your energy. There are those that love you regardless of the changes.

6) Self Acknowledgement - This is a time where you begin to see where you fit in to the world as friends, family, peers, and co-workers begin to accept your appearance and changes. You may feel hurt and disappointed at times as the complements and ego boosting flattery begin to dissipate. You may once again feel threatened by the lack of weight loss and the fear of failure as some weight gain may occur. The highs and are not so high, but the lows may tend to make you depressed at times. You still feel good, but may feel less attractive as you receive fewer compliments. Some people that fed off your energy, desire, and newness no longer are as flirtatious and even strangers appear not to pay you as much attention. Life begins to level out and you begin appear “Normal”.

7) Self Acceptance and Self Awareness – At this stage, obesity is of little or no concern to you. You are aware of your size and acceptance of others. You know where you fit in. Some of your insecurities are still there, some have fallen by the wayside, but may have changed. Life has settled down and the normal problems and happiness of life make you aware of your existence.

Hopefully, you have grown more beautiful, more emotionally sound, more mentally aware, more spiritually connected, and more wise. Hopefully, the journey has made you more of a person and less of a ghost. The pains that obesity brought you have made you a more empathetic and sympathetic and less judgmental. Understanding and the weathering of your own insecurities have made you strong and compassionate and you now see with clarity the reasons behind your lack of self confidence and you strive to help others to see the beauty that is within each of us.

Misconceptions and Naiveté of Sexual Attractiveness - Sex Exploration Obese people often have issues with being accepted by other people, especially physical acceptance. They have often been or become the ugly duckling of society and have gotten use to rejection in the area of physical attractiveness. Often, feeling the rejection of physical attractiveness causes deep seated dependencies and feelings of need. Bottom line, they want to be loved, we want to be pretty and we want to be accepted by other people. Being fat has been a road block that prevented the acceptance from occurring.

Physical rejection and lack acceptance is often displayed in parents and siblings. Often, parents and siblings tell a fat child, youth, or adult what they think of their obesity. This can be done out of cruelty, but usually it is done out of concern for the person. However, regardless of the intent, the result is profound in the life of the obese person and can be damaging for a life. In other words, a parent may tell an obese person, “You have gained so much weight... I am so worried about you”. Or they may say, “You have gotten so fat, nobody is going to want to ever be with you”. These types of comments, though they may temporarily encourage a person to lose weight, they also label the over weight person as undesirable and let them know that they are a physical reject to them and to society.

Sexual rejection often goes hand in hand with physical rejections and acceptance. Being accepted sexually is often associated with physical acceptance. If a person is accepted sexually, they may feel more pretty, desired, wanted, and loved.

Significant weight loss through diet or surgery has a profound affect on a person’s identity. Note that two crucial stages in Weight Loss Differences are the Significant Difference Stage, and the Identity Crisis Stage. In these two critical stages, WLS and Weight Loss people lose their sense of identity. They no longer know how people perceive their physical beauty. This is where Weight Loss people are naive about their sexual attractiveness and may develop Misconceptions of their Sexual Attractiveness. They may have a strong desire to find who is accepting of them now. It is like the person has been a true sexual prisoner of their obesity and has now been released to explore a world full of sexual partners that are accepting of them. As a result, naiveté of sexual attractiveness and their misconceptions of their sexual attractiveness may make Weight Loss Patients vulnerable to marital infidelities, which could endanger monogamous relationships.

New energy levels, confidence, self esteem, and the new avenues of accepting sexual partners may create a strong desire for sexual exploration. The Weight Loss person’s sexual prowess is increased and they may find it nearly impossible turn down opportunities of sexual exploration as other people provide the attention that they desire, but lacked for so long. This may come in the form of opposite sex exploration and same sex exploration. The attention that they now receive is addictive.

For a loving spouse or significant other, this can be a very frustrating and dangerous time in a relationship. The significant other, out of frustration, may try to control or constrain the Weight Loss patient. However, the attempt to control may actually work to push the Weight Loss person further away. It is a time when great support and communication is needed in the relationship. The significant other may need to provide new opportunities for exploration and provide greater amounts of attention to the weight loss patient. Communication is crucial concerning what is acceptable and what is not acceptable sexual behavior. The weight loss person needs to know they are loved, desired, and wanted. Marital or relationship counseling is strongly suggested during this time.

Deeper problems within a relationship may surface as existing problems are magnified with much greater intensity during this time. Weight loss patients during these critical stages are less like accommodating poor or offensive behavior towards them, “I don’t have to put up with this crap and I am not”. Issues that have existed in relationships for long periods of time may come to the forefront. These issues must be addressed. Unfortunately, the spouse or significant other may not understand that the behavior exists or why it has become an issue now.

Obesity may have caused the person to “Settle” for acceptance from person that they may think is actually less than desirable or beneath them. The person or people they accepted may have not been the best looking, most kind, most intelligent, most understanding, or may even be abusive. Because of the weight, confidence level, self esteem, and lack of acceptance from more desirable people, They accept the “love” and “settle” for who is available. At the time that they accept this person into our lives, they think they are on the same level or feel that they can’t really do any better because of the “fault” of obesity.

Having said all this, I do not mean to imply that everyone goes through these issues or at the intensity mentioned above. However, the weight loss patient and people within the life of the patient need to realize that there are strong emotional and mental issues that a person may go through. Support is crucial and counseling may need to be seriously considered. With such intensely physical changes that take place in the WLS life, mental and emotional issues can be expected as the new person emerges. Try not to make rash judgments and be patient.

Areas of Concern: These are areas for which I have thoughts and concerns. I hope to address these soon. If you have other topics in the area of psychology that you would like to see addressed, please let me know. If you want me to place one of the topics listed below at the top of my list, let me know. Thanks You.

• Energy and Willingness to be in Front of Others

• Leveling

• Change in friends

• Loss of Self Image and Social Position

• Increase Desire to explore removed barriers

• Expectations and Unrealistic expectations

• Self image – I don’t know how to smile for a camera

• Weight loss and Disappointment

• Spousal Attractiveness
• Link to Bruce's website and source of this article: http://www.thinnerse...ationships.html
• Explore his site I found lots of "goodies" to bookmark.