Husband Suddenly NOT Supporting Surgery

[daezeey 0]

I can hardly believe this is happening right now! Just yesterday I finished the last of my insurance

requirements for surgery. Which included six months of medical supervised diet program, psych eval, EGD,

visits with a nutritionist and all the paperwork stuff too.

So why last night did my husband start a chat with "are you certain you want to do this". WHAT? now after

all this

you are going to question me, after having being supportive of the whole process. He says that he has not

yet seen me stick with a diet/exercise program and wonders what I will do when I tire of the restrictions

that come with this surgery. To which I replied " I won't have a choice but to stick with it as I will be

physically unable to go back on my decision. The conversation went on and nothing good came out of it as

I found myself getting really angry with him. Not sure what to do as I am determined that this surgery is my

last resort to finally loose the weight for good but without his support I will be totally lost emotionally.

Thanks in advance for anyone who got this far thru my rambling.

[Tiffykins 673]

Change, any type of major change, for most humans is kind of scary. It sounds like he is more worried about you than anything, and doesn't know how to communicate his concerns other than projecting it onto you and questioning your compliancy level. You might be surprised that he is super supportive after surgery, and the best thing you can do is prove him wrong. My husband was extremely supportive of my decision to have the band, but that man cried(no one better ever mention I shared that) as they wheeled me back to the OR. He was my biggest cheerleader even though he would say things like " honey, why don't you just eat less and workout mor before you let someone cut on you?". Which did nothing but ruffle my feathers, and piss me off because he knew of my past "diet" attempts and failures. My husband is a "fixer", and he couldn't fix this for me, and felt helpless. He was deployed during my revision, and while he was supportive, he was still not super happy about me having another surgery when the band failed me so miserably. I would have gone through with the surgery even if he didn't support me because ultimately, it's my body, it's my future health, and he doesn't have any say as to what I do with my body. Believe me, we have the same conversation about me getting another tattoo or coloring my hair. He'd like me to stay the "same" forever" because change makes him uncomfortable. Continue to talk to him, be open and tell him that you NEED him, if he can't be your support, find a local support group, pair up with someone with a surgery date close to yours on this forum, and open communication with them. Find a buddy, be someone's cheerleader and let them be yours. I could not have survived my revision without this forum last year, and the few friends that I've made here are cherished friends because they literally got me through some very difficult times.

[Butrcupz622 1]

Don't concentrate too much on what your husband is saying. Chances are he was probably giving you support on the off chance that this was just a phase you were going through. And now that he sees you're that much closer to your surgery goal, he's beginning to have his own doubts, maybe his own moment of insecurity. Remember, this sugery is for yourself and no one else. Only you know what can truly make ou happy both inside and out. Don't try to convince him. Just let him experience it for himself. He'll get the picture when he sees you're serious about this. Further down the road, he'll give you the support you need simply because he loves you. He's going through a moment of adjustment. Share everything with him but keep your strong will and determination going fierce. Good luck!

[thinoneday 445]

I can hardly believe this is happening right now! Just yesterday I finished the last of my insurance

requirements for surgery. Which included six months of medical supervised diet program, psych eval, EGD,

visits with a nutritionist and all the paperwork stuff too.

So why last night did my husband start a chat with "are you certain you want to do this". WHAT? now after

all this

you are going to question me, after having being supportive of the whole process. He says that he has not

yet seen me stick with a diet/exercise program and wonders what I will do when I tire of the restrictions

that come with this surgery. To which I replied " I won't have a choice but to stick with it as I will be

physically unable to go back on my decision. The conversation went on and nothing good came out of it as

I found myself getting really angry with him. Not sure what to do as I am determined that this surgery is my

last resort to finally loose the weight for good but without his support I will be totally lost emotionally.

Thanks in advance for anyone who got this far thru my rambling.

bless your heart, but girl how i can relate to you! It took 2 1/2 years just to get the darlin' to come to a seminar then 10 1/2 months after the surgery he starts rebelling, just read under the rants and raves under I'm Major P'O'd here. . and read what may yet be coming. . . but all in all, you get your surgery, you've come this far and like Tiff says change is a word most people don't like and your hubbie (as most men) is feeling rather insecure and probably thinks he's going to lose you. . . he'll survive, just like everyone else has. . . just keep on a going and don't loose your cool because of this, you'll get an ulcer and that isn't worth it. . . good luck!

[lisabug 10]

My hubby still thinks that I am insane for doing this. He doesn't say anything negative, but doesn't think that I will follow through with this like everything else I've tried. He asked me if I was going to miss eating whatever I want. I will miss it I'm sure, but I will not miss being 250 lbs.

He also has insecurities about me losing the weight and not wanting to be with him anymore.

I think it is natural for them to go through all of this. My hubby has been much better over the last few days. It has finally sunk in that I am doing this with or without him. He has decided to go along this wild ride with me.

Give your hubby some time. This is starting to become real for him and he has emotions to deal with too. You are his wife for better or worse. They love us now as we are and don't completely understand why we feel the need to change. Of course we all say for our health, but it is so much more than that. I would be lying if I said that was the reason I am doing this completely. Be honest with him about all the reasons. Some how it seems to help with the insecurites. This is 100% about you and not him and not your relationship. Good luck and be patient. I was ready to give up but give him time to work through this.

[daezeey 0]

My hubby still thinks that I am insane for doing this. He doesn't say anything negative, but doesn't think that I will follow through with this like everything else I've tried. He asked me if I was going to miss eating whatever I want. I will miss it I'm sure, but I will not miss being 250 lbs.

He also has insecurities about me losing the weight and not wanting to be with him anymore.

I think it is natural for them to go through all of this. My hubby has been much better over the last few days. It has finally sunk in that I am doing this with or without him. He has decided to go along this wild ride with me.

Give your hubby some time. This is starting to become real for him and he has emotions to deal with too. You are his wife for better or worse. They love us now as we are and don't completely understand why we feel the need to change. Of course we all say for our health, but it is so much more than that. I would be lying if I said that was the reason I am doing this completely. Be honest with him about all the reasons. Some how it seems to help with the insecurites. This is 100% about you and not him and not your relationship. Good luck and be patient. I was ready to give up but give him time to work through this.

Thanks so much for all the support and kind words. Yesterday was a bit better as I let the anger go. Also I know in my mind and heart that I am moving forward with this no matter what other people think of it. That includes my hubby, I know he loves me no matter what and that fear is likely playing a big role in this attitude change. Sometimes I just find any advice from him hard to take as he is 5'6" and weighs a whole 130. To give you a visual on what that looks like, I buy him size small shirts and they fit a little big, pants are size 32 waist which are actually a bit big on him but he likes them a little bit loose. When we married he was a size 29 waist and I found it incredibly difficult to find him adult clothing that fit without looking way too big. To top it off his entire family consists of mostly average size and thin people. So he has never dealt with the weight stuff until he met me and my side of the family. Did I

Thanks again for all the words of encouragement as I have boarded this train and refuse to get off until I reach my GOAL STATION

[rain 2]

Dazey: You are NOT alone in this husband trouble. My husband and I had a HUGE ROW just this morning about my doing this.

He just can't believe that I can't shut up and be happy as his fat, jolly, "gee whatever you want, its OK with me" wife.... I evern think this could lead to a split.

I am really torn apart tonight, up at 2 a.m. and almost caving in... I know his snide remarks and loud displeasure will probably continue... I am heartsick.

Why is it that those who love us most can see us the least clearly? Like you, I think that a lot of this is his insecurity that I will look really good and dump him.

My heart is broken tonight... I am so close to my surgery and now thinking of cancelling it all, and just slinking back into my unhappy shell to shut him up. But then.... I think.. "wait a minute, that is abusive behavior!"

I'm so confused. My sympathies.

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Ask him if he really prefers that you die early and suffer more during your life with disease than get the surgery and lose the weight? Is this what LOVE really looks like?

Sugar attracts more flys than vinegar. Tell him to get nice and supportive and you will NEVER leave him, skinny and hot or not. Resentment, fear and illness do not make for a longer lasting and better quality relationship!

I don't mind if my husband plays 'devils advocate' and runs me through the what ifs of the surgery... Its good to think twice about doing something so permanent. But in the end he has said he will support my decision... I am lucky there. Sorry you are having to go through this.

[daezeey 0]

Dazey: You are NOT alone in this husband trouble. My husband and I had a HUGE ROW just this morning about my doing this.

He just can't believe that I can't shut up and be happy as his fat, jolly, "gee whatever you want, its OK with me" wife.... I evern think this could lead to a split.

I am really torn apart tonight, up at 2 a.m. and almost caving in... I know his snide remarks and loud displeasure will probably continue... I am heartsick.

Why is it that those who love us most can see us the least clearly? Like you, I think that a lot of this is his insecurity that I will look really good and dump him.

My heart is broken tonight... I am so close to my surgery and now thinking of cancelling it all, and just slinking back into my unhappy shell to shut him up. But then.... I think.. "wait a minute, that is abusive behavior!"

I'm so confused. My sympathies.

First I have to ask where you are from as I am picking up so words that my Scottish husband uses.

Second I am with all the others on here. They will eventually come around once they see the happy results. I honestly believe men have a horrible time expressing their true feelings so often it comes out totally wrong for them. So I say keep going ahead with your plans for surgery. My plan is to continue showing my spouse how confident I am that I have made this decision. I will continue to keep him well informed as to the details and any information I find that supports my choice. My hope is that he will see that I have educated myself enough to know this is the right choice for me.

My hubby knows in his heart that once my mind is made up there is really no changing it, Knowing that I am sure that his negativity will soon turn to support. Besides what man doesn't want a hot trophy wife

[rain 2]

First I have to ask where you are from as I am picking up so words that my Scottish husband uses.

While I was born in America, I do have those "old world" parents, Scott-Irish, so maybe that's where you picked up on the familiar terms, LOL!! I guess I am transparent in some respects.

I am so grateful to all of you for your wonderful support, and glad to know that if I just stay the course, everything will be OK. I have read, and heard, that the techniques get better and better, and the after effects of the surgery are being dealt with better too.

Now, I am past my gut-wrenching fear and really ready for the big day. It's supposed to be Thursday, but I haven't gotten the letter from the INsurance company yet, although they SAY on the phone that I was approved.

Biting my fingernails waiting, but I am THINKING POSITIVE, and thinking thin!

Thanks eveyrone!