[Old Habits] Die hard with a VENGEANCE

[vanishingvixen 40]

Welp, it’s been a rough journey for me thus far. Good choices, bad choices, highs, lows, triumphs, set backs…you name it, I experience it. This whole thing is A LOT more emotional though, than I could have ever anticipated.

I cry a lot. I beat myself up a lot. I feel unworthy of the “you’re doing a good job – keep it up!” “proud of you!”, and other similar accolades. I’m losing weight by default at this point. Not so much due to me making all the right health/eating choices, but sometimes as a result of my body contiuing to stage a revolt, and not being able to keep anything down.

I must again stress: this is the HARDEST $h!t I’ve ever done. Even more so than bringing a life into this world. Its far more complicated…with habits & mindsets that need to be changed that have been with me for over 25 years. A relationship [w/food] that has to be transformed totally in order for this to work…but also a lot of forgiveness.

Why? Because I have to not only forgive myself for allowing my food addiction to get me to the point of morbid obesity, but I have to forgive myself after I’ve made a bad food choice, and pick up…and begin again. It’s a learning process, you know? A growing process that will take a lot longer than the short 6 wk span it’s been since surgery. I was doing great during the pre-op period, but it got increasingly harder post-op. I’ve been chin-checked by friends & folks regarding some of my more public not-so-good food choices, and I appreciate that. Accountabilty will play a huge roll in the success of my long-term health. After all, its not just about dropping the pounds, its about transforming myself from the inside-out (or outside-in, however you choose to look at it).

Right now – it’s all about choices. I HAVE to make better choices on a very regular & CONSISTANT basis. Not only to work the surgical tool the way it was created to be worked and acheive success…but so that on SOME occassions, I can (and will) indulge in some of the things that I enjoy. That’s what it comes down to in the end: living a normal HEALTHY life. I’m sure ill always have to err on the side of watching every little thing I eat…but NOT to the point that I can’t “enjoy” food again…I wouldn’t have agreed to such procedure otherwise. Both my surgeon & nutritionist are in agreement: There is [enjoyable food] life after surgery. *well praise the Lord & pass the peas*

All that being said – I’m still amazed at the huge difference 40# has made in my appearance. Am I loving what I see? Sometimes yes…sometimes no. In fact, I’m FAR more self-concious now. I atteneded 2 parties this past weekend and got a lot of positive reactions – but it was all kinda weird to me. It may pass at some point (let’s hope) but right now I’m just trying to get used to this rapidly changing new skin that I’m in.

So, that’s where I’m at right now. This [food] addiction of mine has no choice to die HARD. My life/health depend on it…

[kgremmy 36]

I completely agree with what you said. Change is something that is hard for all of us (I know for myself.) but is something that I know that I have to do. There is no choice for me, I want to feel better about myself, I want to not have my knees ache when I climb the stairs and I want a better me. I think that any weight loss journey is hard but I am determined and dedicated and I will over come this.

[lisabug 10]

Yes we all have our demons when it comes to food. That is how we got to this place. It is crazy to think that this will change because we had surgery. This is one of my fears going into this. All I can do is try my best everyday to make this tool work. It is going to be a challenge for me and I know that. I love fast food and love soda.

[thickinphilly 1]

wow you seem like you have been through a lot. i can't even imagine dealing with what you have been through. i thank you for your honesty at least you are willing to admit it hasn't been all peaches and creqm. one thing you can be thankful for is that you know your down fall and where you fell short. i say don't beat yourself up to much i know i know easier said then done. you are doing a great job keep the good work.

[pumpkin07 32]

Yes it is weird to get attention again. I remember the first time someone looked at me and didn't look away. I was like who are they staring at etc, not realizing that I just wasn't repulsive to them, I wasn't invisible. That is pretty hard core I know, but when you are over the acceptable weight in the eyes of almost everyone, people just look away, look through, etc.

So it is good, but sad b/c you are the same person.

Oh well, you cannot fight the world though. I'll take thin over fat any day. As long as I'm healthy and feel good.