Four months out and reality has kicked in

[Estrellita 6]

Hi all! Tomorrow marks my fourth month post surgery. What has this journey been like? Well...

1. No leakage or any other serious complication- thank God!

2. I never expected the post surgery experience I had. Anxiety and depression, like I've never witnessed in myself or anyone else. kicked in about two weeks post. Uncontrollable, snowballing, unexplainable, irrational fear, sadness, and regret. I went on tranquilizers, developed a mild dependecy on the benzo, had to follow a tapering process, but all ended well. This experience is unforgettable to me and my family! Everyone entering this surgery process should be aware that this is a possible reaction to surgery. I'm not sure if only to this type of surgery, or all. The more the time passes, the more I see posts that relate to my experience. So far I've contacted six people with less, exact, or worse anxiety and depression after the sleeve. Be aware of this possibility. Know that it can debiliate you, thus you need a safety net. However, also be aware that it passes. Thank God, all that is in the past. But the experience I don't think I will ever forget.

3. Because of #2, an improved appreciation for God, life and for all my loved ones.

4. Weight loss: forty pounds down- yay!

5. Besides #2, the most impacting part of this experience is accepting the fact that the surgery did not rid my addiction to food, nor my unhealthy eating habits. I completed a mandated five month program before surgery. The instructor endlessly stressed to start working on our eating patterns and habits before surgery, to ease the transition and have more success with the procedure. As much as this was emphasized, I didn't do it. It was also emphasized that the surgery didn't cure our addiction and relationships to food, this too I ignored. To me, surgery would cure my addiction to food, would for ever change my eating patterns, and never again would I experience the vicious cycle of binging, guilt, shame, weight gain, etc. etc. etc. In my mind I figured I'd be forced to change because my body wouldn't tolerate overeating. I ached for a change, and surgery would force the change on me....problem solved! I awaited surgery with glee and faith. Well, the story goes otherwise.

I have changed some of my eating patterns and you will find plenty healthy veggies and fruits, plus lean meats in my fridge. I joined the gym for the first time in my life, and through therapy am trying to sort out my relationship with food.

However, surgery hasn't forced a change on me. You know those stories of having to induce vomit (or it naturally occuring) due to overeating? NEVER happens to me, NEVER! I cannot eat as much as before, but defenitley more than I expected. I can eat a full cup of spaghetti with cheese and sour cream in one sitting. I'll finish it, feel full, and stop eating. But thirty minutes later my pouch has made room, and I can take some more in. This especially happens when I eat out and we usually sit around chatting for a while. Time passes and I'll start nibling at my food again. I can eat about half a cup more--without being hungry. Why do I do it? I'm working on understanding it.

Those stories of no longer tolerating fatty, sugary, lactose, or other foods- not I. I can eat EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING.

Dumping syndrome? I don't even know what that is.

Having to chew food to mushy consistency- not I. I chew, but never to the consistency I thought I'd have to.

Taste buds change post surgery- not mine. Not one of the billions of taste buds have changed- at all!

Bottom line, this surgery didn't force any change on me. I have gone up and down in weight, and can't seem to break the 40 pounds mark. It's been this way for the past five weeks. I still experience the disappointment in myself over food choices and behavior. The shame and guilt sneak up, and soon I'm angry and feel defeated. All the emotions, habits, and challenges I faced with food and weight pre surgery I face now too. I thought I'd be facing these issues two years after surgery when my pouch has relaxed and expanded a bit, and many regain the weight. I thought that by that time my life would be extraordinarily wonderful- that I'd never regain the weight and give up my success and joy. Well, it's only been four months and I'm facing reality already. Everyone considering surgery needs to know this. I think those who've had success with the sleeve have had it because they've made changes that have yielded the success. The sleeve itself will not yield it. Maybe everyone already knows this, but I have been known to be a late bloomer.

Do I regret having had surgery? Honestly, there is nothing to regret. I had (and pray that it continues) zero complications, I still enjoy food, have a very active social life, have gone down a size in clothes, and experience no pain, vomit, nausea, or anything of the sort. I feel blessed that my surgery has gone so smooth, pain free, and complication free. I pray that it continues to do so. I prefer to deal with my current issues, than any physical complication.

There really is nothing to regret. On the contrary, I believe this surgery has a higher purpose in my life. It isn't yielding the weight success I imagined, but it is forcing me to look deep into myself and work with what is out of balance. I can't run away from it anymore. I refuse to have gone through this experience and continue on the road of addiction, caught in that endless dark cycle. This is the change my sleeve had brought to my life. My progress comes in baby steps, but I'll get there.

God bless you all!

[LittleSteve 5]

Your doing awesomely, Ok so your never going to be a perfect sleever but your only 4 months out. You don`t know how your going to feel next week. The gym is how I burn my calories and my sleeve stops me from over compensating afterwords, so I make bad food choices but I will never make them in 2lb bags again.

[thinoneday 445]

Wow Estrellita, (sorry i put littlesteve earlier) your story makes me sad for you. I've heard of people getting the surgery but not being emotionally prepared for it. . I didn't think it was true, but it is. . at least you've lost the 40lbs in 4 months. . that is really good. . .but if you did this drastic surgery you really wanted to loose weight. . so why don't you just eat your food at your meal and then that's it. . you don't have to go back to eat more in 1/2 hour. . that is sabatoge, but you know that. . wow, were you self pay? or were you a lucky one that had insurance or somthing pay for it? Just a question. . . anyhow 40 lbs, like i said is good, try a bit more and don't snack/graze that is not a good thing as you know. . good luck!

[chilo1 62]

Wow LittleSteve, your story makes me sad for you. I've heard of people getting the surgery but not being emotionally prepared for it. . I didn't think it was true, but it is. . at least you've lost the 40lbs in 4 months. . that is really good. . .but if you did this drastic surgery you really wanted to loose weight. . so why don't you just eat your food at your meal and then that's it. . you don't have to go back to eat more in 1/2 hour. . that is sabatoge, but you know that. . wow, were you self pay? or were you a lucky one that had insurance or somthing pay for it? Just a question. . . anyhow 40 lbs, like i said is good, try a bit more and don't snack/graze that is not a good thing as you know. . good luck!

I gather you meant estrellita not little Steve?? I''m 3 months and a week out, sometimes I make bad food choices at times too, I don't think anybody out there is perfect.

[chilo1 62]

Wow LittleSteve, your story makes me sad for you. I've heard of people getting the surgery but not being emotionally prepared for it. . I didn't think it was true, but it is. . at least you've lost the 40lbs in 4 months. . that is really good. . .but if you did this drastic surgery you really wanted to loose weight. . so why don't you just eat your food at your meal and then that's it. . you don't have to go back to eat more in 1/2 hour. . that is sabatoge, but you know that. . wow, were you self pay? or were you a lucky one that had insurance or somthing pay for it? Just a question. . . anyhow 40 lbs, like i said is good, try a bit more and don't snack/graze that is not a good thing as you know. . good luck!

I gather you meant estrellita not little Steve?? I''m 3 months and a week out, sometimes I make bad food choices at times too, I don't think anybody out there is perfect.

[chilo1 62]

Estrellita I understand we are all different and nothing is as esay as it seems. I never thought this surgery will be the solution to all my issues with food, and it hasn't been. I'm working hard though, trying to makke the right choices, sometimes I don't though I hope to get to goal weight in 3 or 4 more months, but i know I have to work hard to get there. One piece of advice: Ask the waiter to take your plate from the table (or take it to the sink if your at home) when you're full because or else you will continue grazing as you say, I do that now, especially if we're sitting at the table having a converstion because I know that if I don't I'll just keep picking on my food half an hour later I'll manage to eat more!

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Estrellita, My nut said to expect to average 10 pounds a month, so by her definition, you are right on track! Congratulations on that weight loss!

I know it is hard to change habits, and it sounds like you are working on it, which is good. You might have lost more so far if those self defeating habits had not been there, but the gift is, now you see them more clearly, and are working on it. I don't think you are a failure at all. Just keep going back to the basic rules... you see them here everyday and your Doc gave them to you I'm sure.

Protein first, veg/fruit second. Try 5 small meals or three meals and two Snacks to help keep hunger away. Eat these meals even if your not hungry at the time. Plan ahead for the day. Drink a Protein Drink before going out for dinner to help keep you from eating something that does not add to your healthy nutrition needs. Taking your Vitamins? Using an acid reducer?

Don't drink 5 minutes before/with/30 minutes after meal,

keep track of protein/calories/water- EVERY BITE/SIP, fitday or something like it helps.

try and get some exercise in over the course of the day.

This will get you the weight loss you need for better health. When I do not write down what I eat, the calorie count goes up. For some it goes down, but I don't think this is your problem at this time. Make sure you have friendship and activities in your life that you like. Don't make food your only and best friend..... Good luck! Stick to this site, they will support you when you need it!

[Estrellita 6]

Wow Estrellita, (sorry i put littlesteve earlier) your story makes me sad for you. I've heard of people getting the surgery but not being emotionally prepared for it. . I didn't think it was true, but it is. . at least you've lost the 40lbs in 4 months. . that is really good. . .but if you did this drastic surgery you really wanted to loose weight. . so why don't you just eat your food at your meal and then that's it. . you don't have to go back to eat more in 1/2 hour. . that is sabatoge, but you know that. . wow, were you self pay? or were you a lucky one that had insurance or somthing pay for it? Just a question. . . anyhow 40 lbs, like i said is good, try a bit more and don't snack/graze that is not a good thing as you know. . good luck!

Hi thinoneday,

My co-pay for surgery was only $100. Thanks for your words of encouragement. I don't feel sad about my experience, I'm sorry if I sounded so last night when I posted. There is a higher purpose to my surgery, and there's nothing sad about that. I'm taking this opportunity to grow and work on myself. This surgery and my experience post will not be in vain- I know it won't. I just want future sleevers to understand (maybe they do it was just me that didn't believe it) that surgery isn't a quick fix or the miracle cure for weight loss. Everyday we are still faced with the same decisions and emotions over food. That's my experience, and I embrace it and am growing stronger from it. God bless you!

[Estrellita 6]

Estrellita, My nut said to expect to average 10 pounds a month, so by her definition, you are right on track! Congratulations on that weight loss!

I know it is hard to change habits, and it sounds like you are working on it, which is good. You might have lost more so far if those self defeating habits had not been there, but the gift is, now you see them more clearly, and are working on it. I don't think you are a failure at all. Just keep going back to the basic rules... you see them here everyday and your Doc gave them to you I'm sure.

Protein first, veg/fruit second. Try 5 small meals or three meals and two Snacks to help keep hunger away. Eat these meals even if your not hungry at the time. Plan ahead for the day. Drink a Protein Drink before going out for dinner to help keep you from eating something that does not add to your healthy nutrition needs. Taking your Vitamins? Using an acid reducer?

Don't drink 5 minutes before/with/30 minutes after meal,

keep track of protein/calories/water- EVERY BITE/SIP, fitday or something like it helps.

try and get some exercise in over the course of the day.

This will get you the weight loss you need for better health. When I do not write down what I eat, the calorie count goes up. For some it goes down, but I don't think this is your problem at this time. Make sure you have friendship and activities in your life that you like. Don't make food your only and best friend..... Good luck! Stick to this site, they will support you when you need it!

Thank you for bringing me back to basics feedyoureye. I've already started doing some of these, but others-like tracking calories- I havent returned to. Thank you for your encouraging words and God bless you!

[Lila21 36]

Hi Estrellita,

as someone who is pre-op, I really appreciate your words. I think the message you were trying to get across is "don't expect a miracle, and DO be aware that it can be rough." I appreciate that. I am working on my food issues and exercise habits now, and I especially glad that am glad that I am after reading your post. Thanks for sharing your experience with us. It sounds like you have gotten through the toughest parts and things continue to get better! Congratulations to you for getting through the worst of it, and making it through to the other side.