To Tell or not to Tell

[myrori 55]

I am scheduled for Nov 23rd, (yeah so much for Thanksgiving). Any way my dilemma is with my kids, they are 18 and 22. They do not live with me and I am not sure I want to share with them as there is an ex husband component and I feel they will tell him and I just don't want him to have any knowledge of this surgery what so ever, I consider it a personal journey. I know they will tell him if I tell them, BUT obvousily I am going to miss Thanksgiving this year and I am considering telling them I have the flu that day.

Then there are the people I work with. I have shared with one close coworker, however my work set up is that we have to eat at our work desks and there is one other lady in our room who will obviously notice I am not eating what I used to anymore. I am nervous about telling her because she has always been a snide person who makes comments about peoples weights and judges what they eat.

I have been dieting and have taken off 40 pounds recently, so the additional weight loss will not be hard to explain to those who don't see me eating differently.

So while I am very excited I have a date, I am have these few issues I am not sure what to do with. Any all advice is welcome.

[lisabug 10]

That is a tough one. I can understand about the ex and not wanting him to know. I am also a daughter and I know how upset I would be not knowing that my mom was having surgery and she didnt tell me I guess it depends what your relationship is like with your kids. People can surprise you. I am 34 and did not want to tell my father for the risk of judgement. I decided to tell him because I knew no matter what he thought I was happy with my decision. It was the best thing I did. I explained why I was doing this. He is very supportive.

As for the co-workers, if you don't feel comfortable telling them. Don't tell them. If they ask tell them you are trying a new diet that you have to drink Protein shakes 2 meals a day and work your way up from there.

[educationrulz 18]

Well, I think you have to tell your kids. If something happened (God forbid) and they didn't know beforehand, that would be awful. Now, as for when you tell them. That's a whole other story. Let's say you call them on your way to the hospital and tell them you're on your way to have surgery. Even if they get the info to your ex in time for him to start calling you before you go under, you can simply not answer the phone. Or, talk to them and tell them you're turning your cell off. If they want and are able to come be with you after surgery, great. If the ex calls after surgery and gives you hell - oh well. Too late now! HAHA! Once the deed is done, nothing negative that people say will interfere with your surgery. It's just talk at that point. My M.O. was that I only told my sister before surgery. She blabbed to my mom but it ended up not being as bad as I thought. No one else knew until after surgery. That worked out GREAT!

As for your coworkers, tell them AFTERWARD or don't tell them. Do what's comfortable for you. You can claim to be trying every diet under the sun as you progress through the post op diet. They'll see how extremely differently you're eating and that you're losing weight. What reason would they have to question you further? If the nosey coworker pushes it, show her a book or something from the web about high Protein diets. That's how you'll be eating so it's not a far stretch from the truth. I've chosen to tell people I had surgery (when the mood strikes me) but to not give details. I haven't told anyone what kind of surgery I had except my sister, one close friend, and a lady who would benefit from the surgery. I don't want people at work talking behind my back about what my insides look like, etc. All they know is that I had surgery. It always amazes me when people try to push me into telling them what kind of surgery I had. It is so pushy. But I don't give in and I think this forces them to respect my privacy about other aspects of the surgery. They know that I have no intention of discussing the gory details.

Bottom line, do what works for you but don't let any of it keep you from getting your surgery.

[vicki s 146]

i WENT THROUGH THE SAME THING, WITH THE EX AND MY KIDS ARE OLDER AS WELL, I TOLD THE OLDER ONE NOT TO SAY ANYTHING AND I KNOW SHE WONT AND I TOLD THE YOUNGER ONE 30 YRS LOL. THAT I WAS HAVING SOME OF MY STOMACH REMOVED DUE TO BLEEDING ULCERS. SO THAT IS THE STORY TO THE EX....DONT KNOW IF IT WORKS FOR YOU. AS FAR AS YOUR CO WORKERS THEY ALREADY KNOW YOUR DIETING AND LOSING , SO I WOULD JUST STICK TO THAT....BEST OF LUCK VICKI

[Fishnfool 0]

God This hits home for me since i just had the sleeve done on Tues(nov2) and i told my Italian family i was having a hyatil hernia done and hopfully my umbilical hernia which i found out none were done..lol

My mom has lymphoma so she couldnt come to the surgery thank goodness were close but shes a big gossiper and tends to make things worse then what they really are . So i opted not to give her the real reason (yet) so i could just go in and have it and not have a dozen family members at the hospital looking at me thinking (Why) all the calls and texts i recieved which i had to think was funny all said " i hope your feeling better" DID YOU EAT YET...

thats how my they cope with food and i love them but, this is my journey and time for me to do something for myself. I will let the cat out of the bag im sure but when im ready and You dont have to give the exact prcedure your doing in the end its for you.

god bless and good luck in days ahead

Joe

[KSUCats 0]

I've struggled with the topic of keeping it a secret. At first only my mom and boyfriend knew I was considering surgery. A co-worker of mine had gastric by-pass, and when she returned to work (after a 3 month leave) of course we all wondered what had happened. She of course didn't have to tell us anything more than she had surgery, but she was very open about it, and I ended up actually going to her same doctor. So as you can see I am so thankful she was open about it because I wouldn't be where I am today, 1 week away from surgery! I kept pretty mum about it at work, but as soon as I got my insurance approval, I pretty much made the decision to tell anyone that asked about it. It was a hard decision, but I figured I am doing this for me and my health, and no one else, and maybe I can help someone along the way.. but I did decide I will not openly tell people... only if they ask. I know news spreads like wildfire, so it'll get out anyway lol!!

As far as telling your children that is a tender subject as far as your ex-husband goes. Personally if I was in your situation I wouldn't tell them- unless something serious happened Healthwise.. Anyway I hope all goes well with your situation!

[FlyGirl 18]

I told my immediate family about my sleeve. I'm building up my story at work that my "peptic ulcers" are bad and I am having part of my stomach removed. I don't think it's any of their business, they are all a bunch of gossipers. I've only been there 6 months so I'm not really close to them yet. The Ulcer surgery story works perfectly. I can talk freely to them about my pre op liquid diet and talk about how I'm so scared of the surgery but am happy about all the weight I'm going to lose. I know lying is bad but if it prevents me from being the latest "omg" news, i'll do it.

I'm going with the flu story during Thanksgiving at my inlaws, because at that time Ill just be on full liquids. That should be fun,

[myrori 55]

Well since posting this I was told by a co worker everyone knows. HOW???? I am not sure, but it is what it is. I am a 911 dispatcher and there are 6 of us so it is a small center. I decided to go to each person that was mentioned and say " Hey I was told you know about this, it is a personal journey and in the future if the topic comes up I would prefer you state that and leave it alone." I don't want all the cops talking about it just yet. I figured in time they would all put 2 and 2 together, but right now I can only deal with what I have to go through without all the other pressure.

As for the kids, I keep going back and forth in my head. I can see where my daughter would be hurt, but my 18 yo son, well he's 18 nuff said.

I have been divorced for 11 years, but the sob is just nasty and now that all the kids are grown I want to give him nothing to say about me. Unfortunately the kids still feed into the "telling Dad" thing.

[*susan* 1,709]

If you don't tell your kids, then you need to make sure that someone close to you knows what is going on in the rare event that a complication should arrive. There needs to be someone they and you trust to explain to them the situation if the need should arise.

As for telling anyone else, that is a very personal decision. At first, I thought I wouldn't tell anyone. But, to heck with that, lol. I have lost a lot of weight, I feel amazing and I am excited to share with everyone what I did. I especially like sharing with those who have weight issues to let them know there is something out there that works. As for the snobby ones, the negative nannies, the critical ones, etc., well, I just don't worry about them. I have been making many positive changes in my life over the past year that have improved me and made me a happier person. One of the things I have started doing recently is eliminating the negativity in my life. That includes people, because in my opinion, if they are truly someone who cares about me, they will be supportive of me. If they can't be, then do I really need them and their negativity in my life? I don't think so. If it is a co-worker, well, I have to work with them. But, I don't have to be their "buddy" just because we work together. I keep things strictly on a professional level and if they make comments about my personal life, I gently remind them it is none of their business.

[myrori 55]

Thanks Susan, I am remarried and my husband will be there with me so that is covered. I am just trying to figure out if I should share with my kids, maybe I should just say screw it, my ex is my ex, not part of my life the hell with what he has to say!

[Stephanie 73]

I feel for you. I was a Comm Center Dispatcher, 911, Jail Central etc. There are some very interesting personalities in that line of work. Nuff said about that. I personally choose not to tell anyone but my husband, one son and an ex daughter in law that I am close to. My church family while they are wonderful people, most would believe that prayer would resolve it. They don't know how many hours of prayer I have prayed for a healthy, slender body. On the same note perhaps my hours of prayer have brought me to the decision of WLS. Anyway for me, it is indeed a very personal journey and I have no doubt I will be able to come up with some sort of excuses for big dinners and family holidays etc.

Stephanie

Well since posting this I was told by a co worker everyone knows. HOW???? I am not sure, but it is what it is. I am a 911 dispatcher and there are 6 of us so it is a small center. I decided to go to each person that was mentioned and say " Hey I was told you know about this, it is a personal journey and in the future if the topic comes up I would prefer you state that and leave it alone." I don't want all the cops talking about it just yet. I figured in time they would all put 2 and 2 together, but right now I can only deal with what I have to go through without all the other pressure.

As for the kids, I keep going back and forth in my head. I can see where my daughter would be hurt, but my 18 yo son, well he's 18 nuff said.

I have been divorced for 11 years, but the sob is just nasty and now that all the kids are grown I want to give him nothing to say about me. Unfortunately the kids still feed into the "telling Dad" thing.

[thinoneday 445]

I am scheduled for Nov 23rd, (yeah so much for Thanksgiving). Any way my dilemma is with my kids, they are 18 and 22. They do not live with me and I am not sure I want to share with them as there is an ex husband component and I feel they will tell him and I just don't want him to have any knowledge of this surgery what so ever, I consider it a personal journey. I know they will tell him if I tell them, BUT obvousily I am going to miss Thanksgiving this year and I am considering telling them I have the flu that day.

Then there are the people I work with. I have shared with one close coworker, however my work set up is that we have to eat at our work desks and there is one other lady in our room who will obviously notice I am not eating what I used to anymore. I am nervous about telling her because she has always been a snide person who makes comments about peoples weights and judges what they eat.

I have been dieting and have taken off 40 pounds recently, so the additional weight loss will not be hard to explain to those who don't see me eating differently.

So while I am very excited I have a date, I am have these few issues I am not sure what to do with. Any all advice is welcome.

Hi there, well just some advice here. . . you could say you have gotten ulcers and need surgery to remove them. . .as far as the non eating part, ulcer surgery does make a person eat slower and less (my step dad had ulcers and about 50% of his tummy cut out so that is how i know about that) so you could tell folks that. . . as far as the kiddos? well if you tell them you have the flu, won't they come a looking for momma to see how she is? good luck you'll do fabulously!

[myrori 55]

Thanks all, well I told my daughter and I believe it is the right thing. I still have not decided about my son. Since they all live on their own, no one will come looking for me, hell my son did not even call on my bday last week, but as I said he is 18, nuff said.

Steph, yes very interesting ( if that is what you want to call them) personalities. The word I use starts with "B". If I have survived 10 years of them, I can survive this for sure.

I have decided that I am not going to tell folks, but will not lie if asked at work, the nay sayers can all go to ................. where there goes that dispatcher personality again

[rain 2]

This topic is SO ON TIME for me.. but my problem is a bit different. Has anybody out there had THIS problem??? I can't tell my HUSBAND. He is very terrified of doctors and surgeries, and already considers me a hypochondriac (which I am not). He will be totally against this, and think I have gone insane, having my stomach cut out.

But, as some of you point out, you have to let somebody know something, and it's pretty hard to hide this from someone that you live with... so I DO think that I can tell him I have decided to have a Lap 'Band. He knows what they are, he's heard me talk about them, and we have discussed other people who have had them. He hates that idea too, but he could live with it, although he won't like it.

My question is: Do you think I can pass off a VSG as being "only a lap band?" Are the recoveries fairly similar? He has a major ICK factor going, so won't ask to see my port or anything like that... but if he has this idea that I can have this surgery reversed, and that it is safe and minor, it is going to be much easier for me to deal with than trying to tell him the truth.

I feel terrible about excluding him from what's really going on, but honestly.. .it's MY body, MY health, and MY decision.

I would love to hear how any of you may have handled having a spouse who is dead set against weight loss surgery, and what your coping strategy was.

Thank you, all!

[Mary Gordon 3]

I am scheduled for Nov 23rd, (yeah so much for Thanksgiving). Any way my dilemma is with my kids, they are 18 and 22. They do not live with me and I am not sure I want to share with them as there is an ex husband component and I feel they will tell him and I just don't want him to have any knowledge of this surgery what so ever, I consider it a personal journey. I know they will tell him if I tell them, BUT obvousily I am going to miss Thanksgiving this year and I am considering telling them I have the flu that day.

Then there are the people I work with. I have shared with one close coworker, however my work set up is that we have to eat at our work desks and there is one other lady in our room who will obviously notice I am not eating what I used to anymore. I am nervous about telling her because she has always been a snide person who makes comments about peoples weights and judges what they eat.

I have been dieting and have taken off 40 pounds recently, so the additional weight loss will not be hard to explain to those who don't see me eating differently.

So while I am very excited I have a date, I am have these few issues I am not sure what to do with. Any all advice is welcome.

i too think you should have a talk with your kids, and just be sincere with them and share your point of view....tell them how you feel and i am sure they will understand.....your coworkers don't need to know, unless you have one close coworker and you feel you can trust him or her, then go ahead....whichever way, i wish you the best of luck....and happy thanksgiving, you do need to be grateful for your surgery and your new journey to weight loss....