This made me cry! (LONG)

[Banded in KS 0]

A friend of mine sent these poems to me today and I could not believe how I connected with these words! Let me know if you do.

Out of Hell

By Barbara Rice

So many nights, I whimpered and cried,

Thought my prayers had all been denied.

Stuffing my feelings, ashamed of my plight,

Trying to stop with all of my might.

Shoving in cold spaghetti at three in the morning,

Frying shrimps by the time the daylight was dawning.

Drinking gallons of soda, my heart wildly beating,

Hating myself, ‘cause I couldn’t’ stop eating.

The monster in me would come out to play,

And as much as I begged him, he wouldn’t go away.

Morning would come, and that is when

The whole vicious cycle would start once again.

Tears would be streaming, I felt like a cow,

I wanted to stop, but I didn’t know how.

Boarding a plane, and seeing the fear

In the eyes of others…”Don’t let her sit here!”

Walking a block and feeling such pain,

That I went right back home to start eating again.

“Your face is so pretty! Start using your head!

Just eat smaller portions,” my family said.

“Put down the fork! Push back from the table!”

My friends would say – But I wasn’t able.

“Willpower’s the secret! We’ll help you get through it!

TRY HARDER,” they urged – But I couldn’t do it.

I tried every diet to get back on track;

I’d lose weight and then just gain twice as much back!

Every morning I’d pray, “God let me be good…”

Then I’d fail once again – and no one understood.

Each new day would bring another attempt,

Each evening would bring still more self-contempt.

Filled with loathing, and such awful remorse,

I was simply unable to get back on course.

Overwhelmed with this state of awful depression,

Giving in to this dark, paralyzing obsession

I thought to myself, “You’ll always be fat.

Accept it, move on! Learn to live with that fact!”

Questioning God and wondering why,

Positive that I was destined to die.

Yet something inside me was whispering, “No!

There MUST be a way. It HAS to be so.”

I felt a new Wendy was waiting inside,

And it was her voice I permitted to guide.

I knew I could no longer go on this way

Desperate and dying, bit by bit, day by day.

So I got on my knees, and prayed for relief,

Then God sent a miracle to lessen my grief.

A way to stop eating, so crazy I thought,

Went against everything I had been taught.

This was my last option, I felt like a jerk

If this didn’t do it, then NOTHING would work!

So I trusted the doctors, wholly and blindly,

And my God smiled down, completely and kindly.

An unorthodox treatment, but working so well,

To help lift me out of this ongoing hell.

A surgical wonder, that acts as a tool

To battle the fat, which has made life so cruel.

So as scared as I was, I knew I’d get through it

Since I was so much more afraid not to do it.

And it went very smoothly, and I’m convinced that

The pain was less than the pain of this fat.

Nothing could hurt more than being this size,

While seeing the pity in everyone’s eyes.

That part of my life is over and done,

But I’ll never forget the place I came from.

I’ll always be grateful, I’ll always be driven

To bestow upon others the support I’ve been given.

The obsession has lifted. I’m whole and I’m free.

God and my surgeon gave my life back to me.

I’ve learned to eat slowly and I’ve learned how to chew

Enjoying my food, as normal folks do.

I eat when I’m hungry, I stop when I’m not,

Being fat, in this life, will not be my lot.

I eat not for sport, but just to survive,

My whole life is changing – I’m so glad I’m alive!

I will reach the goal that I’m aiming toward,

I’ve truly been blessed…Thank You, Dear Lord.

The peace that I feel is calming and true,

And for those who still suffer…I wish it for you.

MONSTER Barbara Rice

A monster lived inside of me

Insidious, dark beast

One who made me stuff food down

Not caring in the least,

How much I hurt, how bad I felt

He wanted me to die

I couldn’t make him go away

No matter how I’d try.

I ate all day, I ate all night

The food consumed my life

It’s complications broke my heart

And filled my soul with strife.

I begged my monster, “GO AWAY!

Please just let me be!”

But he heard not a single word –

He wanted ALL of me.

I’d moan while shoving cheesecake down

I’d shake while scarfing pie

I’d eat spaghetti through my tears,

Knowing I’d soon die.

I couldn’t stop, I HAD to eat

I’d break each daily vow,

Of diets and of food control;

The monster owned me now.

Chinese food at 3:00 A.M.

Sandwiches all night

People judging, thinking that

I’d created my own plight.

Not getting that it wasn’t I

Who made me eat this way

But a hideous, black monster

Consuming me each day.

Then one day my prayers were heard

This monster was cut out

And finally, I got to see

What freedom is about

My angel-surgeon saved my life

His scalpel was a wand

He scooped the evil monster out

And finally broke the bond.

So now I’m living day to day

Without the awful fears

Of madness that my monster caused,

Without the pain and tears.

I’ve lost the weight, my monster’s dead

My heart is finally free

And now I’m taking time I need

To finally nurture me

[medussa 0]

WOW those are moving

[Victoriana 10]

Thats a lot to read through without letting your emotions get out, what a beautiful couple of poems. How heart moving.

[beachgirl 2]

That was the most eye opening thing I've ever read. I get to thinking, "I don't eat that much" but you can bet I'm up on my laptop till 3 in the morning and about 2 if I'm hungry I'm going to have a pancake and sausage and a good ole coca cola, not after next month. I hope they cut my monster out and disect him.

Sherri

[TrishS 3]

wow very touching, thanks for sharing

[giveyouthemoon 4]

The first one really grabbed me. It's a lot how I felt prior to getting Trink (my band). But for the grace of God and Trink I've got my life back!

[Kiana38 0]

to try to help her understand some of the feelings and thoughts I've had. I couldn't make it all the way through without breaking down though. Very moving!