Hubster jumped ship...

[Christabel 0]

Late last year when I started talking about getting sleeved, Hubster was all for it. He knew how much it meant to me, how much I wanted to be skinny. I went to the surgeon and found out my insurance was one of the most difficult to get approved. Hubster was still with me, still encouraging.

Then I got the approval. And I got a date.

We went out to dinner Thursday night, and the first thing out of his mouth was "What are you going to eat if we come here after your surgery?" And it continued from there. He questioned if I would cook dinner anymore. He wanted to know how we would have the family time we have now around the table if I was only eating a small amount of food. He said it would be "weird" and "different" and "just not right" for that to happen.

I asked him where the supportive guy was that had been around for the past year, and he said that was before he realized the surgery was a reality. Before he thought it might not happen because of the insurance problems, etc. Now it's going to happen and he's not so sure it's a good thing.

So how do I deal with this?

[Stacy160 201]

Well first, dear girl, you don't have to deal with it... HE does.

It'll only be weird for the first six or eight weeks or so...you'll still cook, and cook the same things, you'll just focus on the Protein and veggies and leave the noodles and potatoes alone. My hubby and I go out to eat a lot, and I always just count on taking a doggy bag home. His only complaint (which he was joking about anyway) was that he was going to start gaining all the weight I was losing if I kept passing my half-empty plate to him to finish off LOL.

Really... after awhile, he'll forget anything's really different at all (well, except for when he looks at you and sees how HOT you're becoming! )

[feedyoureye 3,087]

We went out to dinner Thursday night, and the first thing out of his mouth was "What are you going to eat if we come here after your surgery?" And it continued from there. He questioned if I would cook dinner anymore. He wanted to know how we would have the family time we have now around the table if I was only eating a small amount of food. He said it would be "weird" and "different" and "just not right" for that to happen.

So how do I deal with this?

Tell him that getting diabetes or other weight related illness is "not right" when you can do something about it now. Tell him that dying 2 1/2 years prematurely from obesity is more "different" than eating small meals, and feeling like you need to eat 4 times as much to have good family time is "weird"

(I know, I'm a smarta*s) Hubby is probably just scared of the unknown. Let him know you will be there for him MORE if you get this done by living longer and better.

[lunarose 97]

Hi, I am sorry you have to go through this. I think you should have him read some of the posts here on the forum. I have gone pout to dinner a few times since my sleeve (we have for years gone out every Saturday night with another couple). I may be eating only a small percentage that everyone else does it takes me just as long to eat it so it isn't awkward at all. Sometimes DH and I share sometimes we don't and I bring home a lot of leftovers sometimes the others pick at my leftovers it is all good. Eating at home is actually easier I might take a bite or two of what I cooked DH or I'll make up something else for me since what I eat is smaller it really isn't like I cook two different dinners. I'd also appeal to your husband greedy side (as Dr Phil would say) and ask him if he won't want to make love to a skinny sexy wife(G) And if that doesn't work tell him how much $$$$ he will save on food bills.

Nancy

[juliarh 35]

I think that once reality hit, all his true fears came pouring out -- and in a way, it's good because you can say to him, listen, I know you're scared that things will change, but they're going to change for the better. It's not as if you won't eat around the table anymore (we still do, but I eat soooooo much less than everyone else), and it's not as if you won't cook anymore (you'll just adjust your recipes to be more healthful) --

A lot of socializing, both informal and formal, are centered around food -- and for a few weeks, you won't be able to participate in the way that you used to. But that will slowly change. You'll be able to eat more things, you'll be able to go out, etc.

I'm almost finishing my 7th week and I'm just now feeling like I want to cook stuff -- but!! everyone's different. I just have no appetite, so no appetite for me equals not wanting to cook. But that's slowly changing --

And you'll get your appetite back (it may be a little different like mine is, but I'm not really caring right now) -- in fact, my son now teases me when I take food, "Mom, you're not really going to eat all of that." And he's usually right.

So, I think in a weird way that it's healthy that your husband is expressing his fears -- he probably didn't really think it was going to happen and then when it looks like it's really going to happen, he starts worrying. And that's ok. He wants to make sure that the relationship you all have around food will still be maintained somehow -- and it will be, but muuuch differently.

I think by reassuring him (and as lunarose suggested) have him read some of the posts people write --

Everyone on this forum, whom I have read, has not regretted their sleeve once. I would do it all over again. So, let your hubby know that you both will be facing a new future, but boy oh boy will it be a nice one!

I hope that helps -- we're always here to lend an ear

[KathyM 14]

Christabel -

I think your husband loves you very much and I wonder if maybe he is afraid that your relationship will change when you lose weight. I think that is a normal response from a partner - you will be changing and evolving and they won't be - they are afraid they will be left behind. I think that this is a very important thing you are doing for yourself and maybe something you can say to him is that you want to be as healthy as you can be because you want to be around (with him) for a very long time.

OK, I know - this is probably too cheesy for most, but I am a hopeless romantic at heart lol. I really think he is just scared, he doesn't mean to not be supportive. Let him know how much you are counting on him to be a part of this journey.

Kathy

[goodlife 3]

You know one thing that is true for most humans....we don't like change. We form routines in our lives and we're comfortable that way. I think it's normal that he's questioning how this big change is going to affect him and the family.....I think he's looking for reassurances that his life isn't going to be disrupted too much. Is that a tad bit selfish? yeah, probably...but it's human. I bet most of our spouses/family members have had those thoughts and concerns but probably a lot of them found other thoughts and concerns to voice rather than that one.

My husband was very supportive at first too and then as it got closer he turned into a real ass. I was so angry with him and I made a post on here that I wanted to sell him for the money to pay for my surgery! I knew that his actions and words and behaviors were out of fear and concern but that didn't make it right and you better believe I told him so too! I think a part of him also wanted to test me to see how serious I was and how committed I was to having this done. Well, I showed him. I didn't back down for a second and didn't give in either.

I have to say though that he has been my absolute biggest supporter ever since. He took excellent care of me in the hospital and in the first few post-op days. He still takes excellent care of me. He tells me all the time how proud of me he is and how happy it makes him to see me more healthy and active. And he can't keep his hands off of me either! lol

So now that I've damned near written a book...how do you deal with this? Just talk to him. Try to reassure him that while you're eating habits are going to change, that's a small price to pay for your health. Reassure him that you're still going to take care of your family and you're still going to sit and enjoy family time you just won't be eating as much as you did before.

And I can tell you this too...we eat out a lot. There hasn't been a restaurant yet that we've gone to that I've not found something that I could have.

I can also tell you that our family life has improved ALOT since my surgery and weight loss. I still have a ways to go but I FEEL so much better now and I can do so much more which means we're all doing more things together now. Last week, me and hubby and our 21 yr old son went to play tennis together. I haven't been able to play tennis in probably over 8 yrs. I love to play but was just too fat to do it. It felt GREAT. We also have a 15 yr old daughter. She loves to shop but before I never wanted to go..only when it was necessary because I was so miserable and I couldn't stand up or walk for any length of time because my back would KILL me. It was just easier to stay home. How sad is that! Today my daughter and I went shopping for hours and had a great time together. I swear it brings tears to my eyes when I think about all the things I missed out on.

I just can't say enough about all the positive changes and benefits this surgery and weight loss have brought about.