The Husband

[BZButterfly79 19]

I am new here, as of 15 minutes ago. I went to my primary who informed me that due to my PCOS and my BMI of 42% he wouldn't mind sending me to the Bariatric specialist. So yesterday I went to my first appointment, I believe there will be Nutrition, Psych, and then the Doc sees me. During the class I was like: "OMG I can't believe I got here!" meaning...to this point! But I felt like it was the right step I NEED help, I have been living miserably for the last 10 years because of this weight. Now on to the situation:

My husband of 13 years who married me when I was not fat and who has been bitching about my weight for all these years and truthfully terrorizing me about it because he is so "fit" tells me yesterday when I got home to talk to him about the surgery that the surgery is a cop-out and that if I cannot control what goes in my mouth now why would I control it after surgery. Then I asked hi if he was not supportive he said: "That's not what I am saying, what I am saying is that you have a weakness and you will go back to the same weight if you don't address that." Okay...I see he does have a point but otherwise he is being a jerk. I also showed him the 10% divorce rate post-surgery and that he would need to be supportive and he stated: "I don't see why people divorce because they got skinny-don't put the carriage in front of the horse."

So I showed him a video on Youtube of a beautiful obese woman before surgery and then once she was at her goal, he mentioned she had flabby arms!!! OMG this is driving me nuts, I want to do this for me and he has assured me that the weight is the only problem in our marriage so I am thinking that will be solved but I definitely don't want someone reminding me of flabby this and that after surgery. Have any of you experienced this situation or care to type a few lines to encourage me or discourage me(at this point anything is appreciated).

One thing I know for sure, if I continue to be this weight and unhappy due to it, my marriage will end. What I don't know is if it will get better or if it will get worse once I have the surgery. If there a possibility that the surgery will cause jealousy and insecurity on his part? What have you experienced?

Thank you for reading.

[a.walker 2]

Your husband should love you no matter what you weigh. If it's JUST your weight killing your marriage, he's a shallow person. I don't have much respect for your husband based on what you posted, and I most assuredly wouldn't want to be with someone like him. I understand that fat isn't healthy, but I also believe you love someone not based on their dress size or BMI. Someone "truly terrorizing" you about your weight doesn't make for a healthy relationship. I do think counseling is a good idea for obese people to get an idea what led us to this place, and to try to change some of those old behaviors. I think maybe your husband could use some counseling, though, as well.

That being said, you cannot do this for him. Don't do this to "solve" your marriage problems. No matter what, you should be doing this for yourself. Do it for your health. But if you are only doing it to fix your marriage problems, I don't think that will work. You need to work on your marriage separately.

[thickinphilly 1]

ok bzbutterfly

welcome to the vsg family you have found the right place for support and encouragement. now i'm no marriage expert but weight should not be a make or break factor in a marriage. there are too many other issue that are far more important than that. maybe your husband out look as this being a cop-out is just his way of being concern. belive me when i tell you all that we have to go through to have this done it is certainly not the easy way out. your husband does have a point because being sleeved is not the end all it's only a tool to help us reach our goal. if this is what you want then you have to move forward and continue on your journey. my husband is very supportive thank God but even if he wasn't this is what i need to do for me. i've tried evey diet known to man and the weight came off each time but it came right back plus some. i have not been sleeved yet but my decision is firm and i think this is the best decision that i've made for myself in a very long time. if this is for you then i say full steam ahead. prayerfully your husband will jump on board and be the support that you will definitly need. good luck and God Bless.

thickinphilly

[BZButterfly79 19]

a. walker thank you for your reply, my husband is Brazilian, in Brazil fat people are invisible well mostly because they don't exist, I have not visited my family in 10 years because I am ashamed of what I have become, people there have these weight loss surgeries when they are 50lbs overweight and sometimes less, lots and lots of pressure. My husband told me that if weight was all he cared about he would not have been with me all these years and three kids later but how I feel is most important as you mentioned. I don't feel good I don't feel alive and I miss that and I am tired of the Atkins diet and phentermine and not wanting to look in the mirror. Someone said to me: "would you rather have your husband tell you he is crazy about your body and be screwing every other girl out there or tell you how he really feels" well I don't like either option but there are some woman like yourself who have a hubby who says hey you can look like blue man and I will still want you and to that have a toast it is hard to find not impossible but hard. God Bless

[SouthernSleever 228]

It's not about him, it's about you. He better straighten his butt out cause after you have this surgery there will be no reason to put up with his BS.

[BZButterfly79 19]

Thank you thickinphilly, I browsed this site for months until I got the courage to register and I look forward to growing as a person from the experiences I learn about here, we are all so different and yet so much alike. I appreciate your input.

[BZButterfly79 19]

DJackson you made me smile, there is no reason now!! LOL He is a great guy I am telling you my perception this morning he might tell you he is worried, who knows I remind him all the time he is not Tom Cruise and he needs to settle down. I remember before I gained all the weight he had other issues, jealousy. I miss those days

[SouthernSleever 228]

If he is a good man otherwise I would tell him "I am doing this for me, not for you. If you would like to support me that would be great. If not, don't say anything at all." You can get all the support you need right here from us.

[juliarh 35]

I agree with DJackson -- we have had enough pressures on us from society and others that we don't need to have people who are closest to us trying to sabotage us -- I'm so sorry your husband is rigid in his outlook -- but if you are not getting support from him, you can get it from us.

a.walker is right also -- getting sleeved is only the first step in a LOOONG process -- it is a tool and used correctly we will all lose weight -- however, make sure you are doing it for yourself, to make sure you are healthy above all else. If you are doing it for your marriage, it's not going to help.

Either way, please come back and talk to us often - take care!

[lisabug 10]

It sounds like insecurity. I know my hubby is afraid that I will not want to be with him after I lose the weight. I don't think people that have never struggled with their weight understand that we do not choose to be overweight. Only 2% of people that are obese can lose the weight and maintain it. That is why wls is our only choice to be healthy. We have all lost the weight and then put it back on. He needs to be a part of the solution not the problem. I am sure the more he puts you down the more you want to eat. Do this for you, if he is not on board may be you are better off without him. Everything happens for a reason. Everyone here will give you the support you need. If you need anything just ask. This is an incredible board and we are lucky to be here

[lisabug 10]

It sounds like insecurity. I know my hubby is afraid that I will not want to be with him after I lose the weight. I don't think people that have never struggled with their weight understand that we do not choose to be overweight. Only 2% of people that are obese can lose the weight and maintain it. That is why wls is our only choice to be healthy. We have all lost the weight and then put it back on. He needs to be a part of the solution not the problem. I am sure the more he puts you down the more you want to eat. Do this for you, if he is not on board may be you are better off without him. Everything happens for a reason. Everyone here will give you the support you need. If you need anything just ask. This is an incredible board and we are lucky to be here

[Stacy160 201]

I don't know how to not be blunt when I say this, so I apologize in advance, but your husband sounds like a bully who will find ways to tear you down no matter what you do. Sound like you can't win with him.

After 4 years of reading and participating in various WLS boards, my own conclusion is that whatever problems are there to begin with -- the REAL problems underneath the superficial crap -- only get worse. Weak, troubled marriages end badly when the patient feels strong and empowered and realizes they don't have to take that crap anymore.

On the other hand, good supportive marriages seem to only get stronger, when the teamwork and love were there unconditionally to begin with.

You have to do what's right for you, and decide if not having the surgery means you're OK continuing with things the way they are.

[chilo1 62]

As a southamerican myself (as well as my hubby), i totally understand how you feel, and the mentality your husband probably has, macho man

The thing is you have to do this for yourself, it's very difficult for someone who has never been fat to understand the ins and outs and the complicated issues that we go through. My husband did support me (he paid for it!) But a few years ago I went to a therapist about my obesity and my feelings, and my husband went to one of the app w me. Th Dr explained that I wasn't fat because I wanted to, that there isn't one only reason for a person being fat, I think he kind of understood it then. Now he is AMAZED of my control, lack of hunger and weight loss, so it was all worth it, and I'm only halfway there

[christina@MIA 12]

Well, this is how I feel about your situation.....You can lose the weight (VSG)and your marriage could fail or you could stay the same weight (NO VSG) and your marriage could fail!!!!! But atleast if you lose the weight you will feel better about yourself! The way weight loss has helped my marriage is......I like getting out the house and having a good time again......no more fights about not having anything to wear out.....And Im starting to feel comfortable being on top again(if you know what I mean)......I found my confidence again and my husband finds that sexy! The way I feel is if he doesn't pay attention and treat my the way I should be, I now have good chance to find someone who will. DO IT FOR YOU! Because there is no guarantee you will stay married either way.

Welcome and Best wishes.

BTW, take him to you Dr appt. so they can tell him it is not possible to every weigh that much again after having 80% of you stomach removed.

[Peffermintchili 0]

Even if you lose the weight the "normal way" you're still going to have flabby bits. It's cant be avoided - rapid or slow it's gonna happen somewhere on some part of your body.

Sounds like your husband has control issues. It's easy now to put you down and tell you "how it is" but he knows damn well once you're a six 6 and a bag of tricks you are more likely to drop him like a 200 pound brick. The jealousy issues have already started sister.

Be strong x