Is it wrong to keep it a secret?

[Monday_thru_Friday 0]

Hi all. I have gone through all the hoops to have the sleeve...the nutrition classes, the psych test, the consultation with the surgeon and now I'm just waiting on approval from insurance, which my doctor thinks will be no problem.

So here's my dilema...I am going to have the VSG and nothing will change my mind. However, there are always those nay-sayers, pessimists, judgmental types, as well as those who are genuinely concerned for me, worried something could go wrong, or those who simply think I'm taking the easy way out. I want to avoid all of that drama and I don't want to tell ANYONE. Not my my co-workers and not my friends or family. I only see my boyfriend on the weekends and I think I could fake a headache or something to avoid intimacy for a few weeks.

Is this wrong of me? Am I nuts to think I could take a cab to the hospital, tell my employer I need a few "vacation" days and go it alone having nobody know the truth?

[clk 3,519]

I'm all for keeping the surgery private from coworkers, friends and family that you don't see or who won't be supportive. However, I think there's a line between not telling the whole truth and deliberately misleading people that are important to you.

I expected more negativity than I got from the small handful of people that know about my surgery. My mom was 100% supportive, which was a huge surprise. I couldn't NOT tell my husband, and even though he likes his women short and chunky, he knew it was important to me and jumped on board. The three friends I've told have all been very supportive; again, this was very surprising to me, because I expected them to be negative.

Ultimately, it's your choice. However, it may not be possible to hide the scars from your boyfriend. I'm almost three months out and still have bright pink, shiny scars where my five incisions were made. It's painfully obvious that I had surgery done recently. If having privacy about your surgery will be more important than telling the truth to your boyfriend about why you have new scars, it's definitely an indicator. No offense meant, I'm just telling you what I think.

I think that it would be great if you could find one person to help you through this journey. You don't have to tell your work anything but that you're taking vacation. Just don't expect them to be sympathetic when you come back to work sore and tired!

Good luck whatever you decide,

~Cheri

[SParkle 4]

This is my second attempt at this post as I lost the first one!

Firstly...... I told only 2 people about my op, my husband and my best friend. You will need someone to bounce off, to talk about your daily changes to, to sympathise with you, to share your excitement about your changing body with. So I would advise you tell someone... its up to you who that happens to be.

I didn't want to have the emotional conversation about my history with my weight and dieting and all the issues that are involved with it, every time I told someone about the surgery. People may surprise you, they may understand which makes it a whole lot easier, but they also may not, in which case you end up convincing them about your decision.... I've had to do this just with my 'dieting' with a couple of people and its hard work emotionally.

You can hide your scars further down the line to some extent with tattoo cover up creams....heavy make up.... but they may still be slightly evident, so don't rely too heavily on that.

Depending what you do for work, you may need more than a few days.... I didn't feel really up to doing much before I hit the 2 week post op mark. Before that I was tired and needing rest due to op and also lack of energy from being on liquids. Also prepare before the op with your pre op diet - liquids are easy to sort at home but you will be edgy during your pre op although work will help take your mind off the fact you can't eat.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[thickinphilly 1]

Hi all. I have gone through all the hoops to have the sleeve...the nutrition classes, the psych test, the consultation with the surgeon and now I'm just waiting on approval from insurance, which my doctor thinks will be no problem.

So here's my dilema...I am going to have the VSG and nothing will change my mind. However, there are always those nay-sayers, pessimists, judgmental types, as well as those who are genuinely concerned for me, worried something could go wrong, or those who simply think I'm taking the easy way out. I want to avoid all of that drama and I don't want to tell ANYONE. Not my my co-workers and not my friends or family. I only see my boyfriend on the weekends and I think I could fake a headache or something to avoid intimacy for a few weeks.

Is this wrong of me? Am I nuts to think I could take a cab to the hospital, tell my employer I need a few "vacation" days and go it alone having nobody know the truth?

hi

i'm with you it is a secret of course i told my husband and he is very supportive. i told my mom and my sister (she wants to be sleeved as well) but no one else. i have not told my co-worker or any of my closes friends. i'm just starting and have not been approved by my insurance company yet either but i don't want any of the negativity. it would not change my mind but i just don;t want to hear it. i told the people that i think need to know at this point. my husband, my mom, my sister and my kids. I do think you need to tell someone because you may need someone assistance post-op. tell your boyfriend if he cares about you it will be important to him because it is important to you. best of luck and God Bless.

[NikiS 31]

Good morning. My sister and I have had this same conversation as she and I both are preparing to have the surgery. Although we aren't planning on screaming our decision to have the surgery from the hill tops, we have shared our choice with our mother, my sister told her husband and I've told my ex-husband, a friend and my boyfriend...all of which are extremely supportive. I think you should tell someone as you will not only need the support, but also just in case there are complications (God forbid), your hospital stay is longer than anticipated, or you just need someone to talk to. When you start to lose a significant amount of weight when asked how you're losing the weight, maybe instead of intrusting them with your secret you can simply say 'portion control' which will be true as you will no longer be able to consume as much food as you once did. I know it's omission but hopefully it will help you avoid the potential judgment and scrutiny of the nay-sayers. Just a thought.

All the best to you, stay encouraged and chin up!!!

Niki

[Monday_thru_Friday 0]

Thanks for the great advice everyone. I agree that I do need to tell at least one person in the event something goes wrong and I've decided to tell my aunt. I don't have parents and I trust my aunt very much. The reason I hesitate to tell my boyfriend until AFTER the surgery is because he's not a fan of doctors or conventional medicine and I fear he will try to talk me out of it. Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful guy, but when it comes to medical issues we don't always see eye to eye. I'm sure I won't be able to hide the scars, so he'll find out. One other thing I've though about, is that I'm putting him and my aunt in a precariuos position by asking them not to tell ANYONE about my surgery. I feel like they may "slip" and say something or have to lie on my behalf and I don't want that either. I don't want others to know because I don't want to advertise my struggle with my weight or my weakness for not losing it myself. I totally agree with saying "portion control" is how I'm losing weight. Not a lie, but not full disclosure either.

When I got home from work yesterday I had a letter in the mail saying my insurance company approved me for the sleeve!!!!! I am hoping to have surgery Nov. 11. The nurse said I'd only be in the hospital over night and even tho they recommend taking a week off work, if I have surgery on a Thursday I can try to go back to work on Monday. Yay!

[Monday_thru_Friday 0]

I was just wondering how long you had to be on a liquid diet pre-op? My doctor is recommending 2 weeks. I know it's going to be hard. I told him, if I could diet like that I wouldn't need the surgery..lol!

This is my second attempt at this post as I lost the first one!

Firstly...... I told only 2 people about my op, my husband and my best friend. You will need someone to bounce off, to talk about your daily changes to, to sympathise with you, to share your excitement about your changing body with. So I would advise you tell someone... its up to you who that happens to be.

I didn't want to have the emotional conversation about my history with my weight and dieting and all the issues that are involved with it, every time I told someone about the surgery. People may surprise you, they may understand which makes it a whole lot easier, but they also may not, in which case you end up convincing them about your decision.... I've had to do this just with my 'dieting' with a couple of people and its hard work emotionally.

You can hide your scars further down the line to some extent with tattoo cover up creams....heavy make up.... but they may still be slightly evident, so don't rely too heavily on that.

Depending what you do for work, you may need more than a few days.... I didn't feel really up to doing much before I hit the 2 week post op mark. Before that I was tired and needing rest due to op and also lack of energy from being on liquids. Also prepare before the op with your pre op diet - liquids are easy to sort at home but you will be edgy during your pre op although work will help take your mind off the fact you can't eat.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Monday_thru_Friday 0]

I really hope your insurance approves the sleeve quickly. I've been reading horror stories about how it takes months, sometimes years to get them to approve it after doing several appeals. I actually wrote a 2 page letter to my insurance company explaining why the sleeve was the best option for me and my doctor included it with his request for pre-approval and they approved my sleeve the very first time! I was shocked!!!

hi

i'm with you it is a secret of course i told my husband and he is very supportive. i told my mom and my sister (she wants to be sleeved as well) but no one else. i have not told my co-worker or any of my closes friends. i'm just starting and have not been approved by my insurance company yet either but i don't want any of the negativity. it would not change my mind but i just don;t want to hear it. i told the people that i think need to know at this point. my husband, my mom, my sister and my kids. I do think you need to tell someone because you may need someone assistance post-op. tell your boyfriend if he cares about you it will be important to him because it is important to you. best of luck and God Bless.

[SParkle 4]

I was just wondering how long you had to be on a liquid diet pre-op? My doctor is recommending 2 weeks. I know it's going to be hard. I told him, if I could diet like that I wouldn't need the surgery..lol!

I had to do a week, on Optifast, my starting BMI was 35.6 and I weighed 208.5lbs. We had guests that week and I told them I was doing a liquid diet to kick start my weight loss again (I'd already lost 21lbs in 6 months).... they accepted it, and I faced my battle with having other people eat in front of me from then.... I think that was the hardest as pre op I still had all the desire to eat, but my determination to succeed won.

[Filosophia Scandinavia 1]

I haven't been operated yet.

Told my family, 3-4 of my friends, my bosses and some co-workers. Now I would rather have told just my family.

Maybe I am a little paranoid - but the person, I tell will probably tell it to some people too.

It is good gossip, and I think it is so difficult to be secret about it. I have already think, that I have told too many.

Cant take it back. Most people have seen me try too loose weight for 15 years now.

But I am such an optimitic person, and want to share.

Cant keep my mouth shut - and also want people to understand, that overweight is not easily battled. Telling them about the statistics - want to speak about this subject.

On the other hand, I dont want to walk in to a party, and everybody is talking about the sleeve-girl - me.

The label just stick - and I want to be known for who I am, not my operation. In Denmark this is HUGE

On the other hand, I feel a little like a quitter. I have a danish website about embracing your body as it is. I have also been a plussize-model. Now I suddenly turn my back on my overweight gals. I will not do this to promote the skinny stupid Milan-fashion ideas about skinny bodies. I will do it for my health.

:-) And deep down inside of me, I would like to be in the normal BMI-group. Dont tell anyone!

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Filosophia, I too have worked on size exceptance, and have been a public figure... modeling for art photographers and such. I don't want to be seen as turning my back on women of all sizes...and I wont! but my health is important to me. I don't want to die for the cause. I too have told many people after I got my surgery date. Perhaps being seen as the "girl with the sleeve" will help someone whos health is suffering from obesity. You are more than just your sleeve. Some people will talk, but some will see you for who you truely are... they are the ones who count don't you think? You are a pioneer! You still will be able to understand how it is to be fat... and I think this is a gift too...Lots of thin people cant understand what its like to be fat...you can be an example of a thin person who understands... Im kind of rambling here... been thinking about this topic too....I want to make the most of this gift...

I haven't been operated yet.

Told my family, 3-4 of my friends, my bosses and some co-workers. Now I would rather have told just my family.

Maybe I am a little paranoid - but the person, I tell will probably tell it to some people too.

It is good gossip, and I think it is so difficult to be secret about it. I have already think, that I have told too many.

Cant take it back. Most people have seen me try too loose weight for 15 years now.

But I am such an optimitic person, and want to share.

Cant keep my mouth shut - and also want people to understand, that overweight is not easily battled. Telling them about the statistics - want to speak about this subject.

On the other hand, I dont want to walk in to a party, and everybody is talking about the sleeve-girl - me.

The label just stick - and I want to be known for who I am, not my operation. In Denmark this is HUGE

On the other hand, I feel a little like a quitter. I have a danish website about embracing your body as it is. I have also been a plussize-model. Now I suddenly turn my back on my overweight gals. I will not do this to promote the skinny stupid Milan-fashion ideas about skinny bodies. I will do it for my health.

:-) And deep down inside of me, I would like to be in the normal BMI-group. Dont tell anyone!

[emilygrace 5]

I think it's crazy to not tell your boyfriend. I mean of all people, he should be the first one to tell for support, right? If I were him, I would be much angrier that you lied to me than that you were getting an operation.

I didn't tell anyone (and still haven't) except my immediate family (parents, sisters, brother) and my best friend who has known me since school and seen all my struggles with weight. I don't feel it's anyone else's business. A lot of people now are asking me how I am doing it and I am saying "hard work", which is true - even though the sleeve makes it possible, I am the one planning, measuring and tracking my food and going to the gym.

I think preop sometimes it's hard to tell people because part of you feels ashamed that you failed weight loss, and are resorting to surgery, and also part of you (a big part, in my case) doesn't truly believe that this will work either. Once you're postop and it's worked, and working, it's a lot easier to think "oh well, who cares who knows, it worked!?".

[thegeek 0]

So here's my dilema...I am going to have the VSG and nothing will change my mind. However, there are always those nay-sayers, pessimists, judgmental types, as well as those who are genuinely concerned for me, worried something could go wrong, or those who simply think I'm taking the easy way out. I want to avoid all of that drama and I don't want to tell ANYONE. Not my my co-workers and not my friends or family. I only see my boyfriend on the weekends and I think I could fake a headache or something to avoid intimacy for a few weeks.

Is this wrong of me? Am I nuts to think I could take a cab to the hospital, tell my employer I need a few "vacation" days and go it alone having nobody know the truth?

Before my sleeve, I felt very much like you do now. I didn't want the drama, the weird looks, etc. That being said, I think it's a little much to expect to disappear for a couple of days and then come back and have no one be able to tell that something's happened. You'll be sore for a week or two, and you'll walk very "gingerly". You won't eat anything that's not liquid, and whatever that is, it will be in very small amounts.

I only told a few people about my surgery pre-op. Obviously my wife, a co-worker, and a couple of siblings. I did this so that I could ask the siblings for help with "the kids" while I was healing, or at the hospital, etc. My co-worker needed to know because we often take clients out to lunch, etc. Other than that I kept it pretty quiet.

Now that I'm 2.5mos post-sleeve, I'm a little more free with the information. A couple of other co-workers have asked how I've lost so much weight and the ones I can trust to keep it to themselves, I've let them in on the secret. I still have a few family members that don't know, and none of my neighbors know. My boss doesn't know, and I'm pretty happy with the situation.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you will probably want to tell those closest to you before surgery so that they can be in a position to help you out afterwards. But you don't need to shout it on the rooftops either. I think the further out from my sleeve date I get, the more willing I am to tell my story. Maybe you'll feel the same way too!

[hugsamber 8]

I have yet to have surgery. It should be scheduled in Dec or Jan. I feel like everyone knows about my decision to have WLS. My mom is going through the process at the same time though she has decided to have Gastric Bypass. So she knows, her husband, then my mom told my grandparents, my aunt, and my brother. I told her that was fine because my family is such big gossipers that no one can keep a secret. Luckily the family is ALL VERY suportive. My boyfriend knows and he is not necessarily happy about it, he is worried that something will happen to me during the surgery and I won't wake up, but he is supportive of me and my decision. He also said he will be my personal nurse! I also have told a few co-workers. The reason being is that we do A LOT of food functions and I have been passing on the donuts and the pizza. They were giving me a hard time for not eating so I finally had to say something. Four of them know but they also gossip so I am sure the whole office knows. Most have been very supportive but there are a couple of people who I did not want to know until I got back from having the surgery done. They are very judgemental and of course asked a MILLION questions. One being, of course, since you have lost almost 20 pounds in a month why don't you just continue to diet? Oh and my favorite....There is someone that I see in the elevator who I don't even recognize anymore until I hear her voice. I was like Hello, you are going to see me everyday. Its not like one day I will come into work 100pounds lighter. It will be a gradual process. I tried to answer everything as best as I could but at the same time I sometimes would like to have some privacy. I guess I should just be glad that I do have a lot of supportive people around me. I just get tired already of all of the questions and having everyone watching what I am eating and everything. Sorry to vent a bit.

[Brian66 85]

This is a very personal decision. When I had my surgery in July, I told only my mother, my three children, my brother and my wife's sister (who is like a sister to me) (my wife is deceased). I took the train and subway to the hospital myself on the day of surgery and checked myself in. I had the surgery at about 7:00 pm and I was able to call my family at about 11:00 pm to tell them that I was fine.

Like you, I didn't want to hear everyone's thoughts and opinions on the surgery. I researched my options very carefully and I felt very comfortable with my decision. I didn't want anyone second guessing me. I also think a part of me was afraid that the surgery wouldn't work and that the fewer people that knew about it, the better.

Now that I am three months out and have lost 85lbs, I have started to tell close friends and family. For aquaintances and most people at work, I simply tell them that I have been "working with a doctor and a nutritionist." This is not untrue and I think it is all some people need to know. The good news is that for the friends and family I have told, people have been incredibly positive and supportive and that has helped a great deal. I think that it also helps them accept my decision (not that I really need their approval/acceptance) when they see all the weight I have lost.

I personally think it would be a mistake not to tell your boyfriend, but only you can make that decision. If this guy is a keeper and you are in the relationship for the long haul, I think you should discuss it with him before hand. I know I would be hurt and upset if my girlfriend didn't share a decision like that with me.

Good luck to you!

Brian