VSG in May 2009 -- not happy with myself

[ShannonPA-S 0]

Let me start by saying this surgery works! However, I am defective. I'm very down on myself right now.

My highest weight was 365 around 2006. I lost down to 305 and got pregnant in late December 2007. Had my precious baby in Oct 2008. I was around 310 after delivery...didn't gain much weight at all. I felt healthy throughout my pregnancy except for the end...she wouldn't come out! I was 42 weeks when I was induced and then had a c-section. So, the beginning was tough. I was still 300+ pounds with a colicky infant who refused to sleep. I didn't know what to do. I finally decided that enough to was enough. I had my sleeve in May 2009 and lost weight immediately. I had no ill symptoms following the surgery, not even reflux, for 3 weeks. I felt pretty good, albeit tired. Then the reflux hit BAD at 3 weeks. I started taking a PPI and it was controlled.

But I was exhausted. Soon I realized I couldn't use food anymore (duh, wasn't that the purpose?). I started drinking too much coffee. Bad reflux continued. Then I started eating more. I would eat half a sandwich (or even less), wait until I wasn't full anymore, and eat more until it was gone. So, yes, for people out there wondering if you can overcome this, you can. I was still losing weight. But felt miserable.

I did this to myself. I regret having my surgery. At surgery, I was 322. I am now 260. Not good. I should be under 200 by now. I did this to myself. I wasn't ready to lose the weight (psychologically). I still can't give up the foods that cause me to overeat. If I eat healthy proteins/fats and some veggies, I feel great. Yet, for some reason, I want to stuff myself with bread. My reflux is out of control, but my doc took me off the PPI because I am vit B12, folate, and Iron deficient (pernicious anemia). I am on zantac 150 mg up to four times a day to try to prevent esophagitis. Yet I keep killing myself with food. Why I thought this would be my answer, I don't know.

I am a graduate student studying to become a physician assistant. I love health, medicine, and wellness. Yet I can't fix myself. If I would stop eating the crap that I eat and stop drinking the coffee, it's likely the reflux would be tolerable. I am really down on myself. I see a therapist who specializes in eating disorders, but I don't know what to do. I also have Hashimoto's thyroid disease (autoimmune) and my doc told me to stop eating gluten, but I still eat it all the time. Like I'm addicted to it. The simple suggestion to "just stop" doesn't work with me. I am a smart, educated, kind person. Yet I can't do these simple things for myself.

As of now I regret my decision to have surgery. The reflux is awful. I'm finally now not so tired. For awhile, all I did was cry because I was so tired after the surgery. So I don't know what to do. "Just stop eating the crap" hasn't seemed to work for me. It's like I can't embrace what I've done to myself. I still haven't.

Well, that's all. At least I got this off my chest.

Congrats to all who've done well. I think I'm defective. I've been big my whole life and it's like I'm scared to be small.

As a warning to those undergoing the procedure, don't think this surgery will change your core being. You need to be ready for it or quickly learn to embrace it. I thought I was ready. Obviously I wasn't.

Shannon

[Peffermintchili 0]

Hi Shannon,

I'm really sorry to hear you've gone through this. Hang out here more often - the ladies and gents on these boards really help. I've not had the surgery yet - but I know that if I don't sort out my relationship with food and I didn't come here everyday and read the posts - I would stay the same regardless. This place inspires me to change and to keep going to the health trainer that's helping me with the food issue. Despite being in tears the whole time. Its a rough road and I hate it, but I keep thinking of the future.

It's not to late to change your outcome. You still have a chance.

[mp8btpc 33]

Shannon, I am really sorry that this has not been the answer for you. It sounds like you are well aware of what you need to do but just can't get it done. I really hope you find the strength to start slowly and drop the things that are making you feel worse, like the coffee drinking (that is the worst for the reflux), the bad carbs that are keeping you craving more and more. It also sounds like you are doing all the things one would suggest for you to do, like seeing a therapist etc. I think you might benefit from trying to start back at the Clear liquids stage and cleanse yourself and start over. I know there is no easy answer but you are going to have to pull up the bootstraps and use this as a tool. You lost a good amount and you can continue to lose more.

Wouldn't that be a wonderful testimony for yourself and the sleeve for you to turn this around for youself! You can do it!

Now that you have pushed yourself is your stomach stretched out or are you still just grazing and eating too much?

[Daisymay 0]

Hi Shannon,

I really do identify with you even though my story is different. I have been a compulsive eater all my life. I have tried it all...basic stuff like medication and laxatives, hypnosis, every slimming club on the planet, OA and finally the operation. Eating is still such an issue with me. I munch all day and I really really want to eat most of all just after I've eaten. The desire for food is as strong as the urge to push during labour.

I am glad I had the op. There is now some limit to the damage I can do...even if I've discovered a way to eat "through the backdoor" so to speak! Before the op it was difficult to walk any distance. My hips ached and I was breathless. Now I walk the dogs for a half hour before work and swim regularly. I still attend OA but am not working the programme. I have just completed sessions of NLP and I'm waiting to see if changes have been made.

Why does eating take such a major role in my life? Why do I jeapordise everything? It's almost as if I'm born to wear the sabotage t shirt. I was sleeved in July 2009 and although I'm glad, I'm disappointed that I get hungry and I'm disappointed that the aftercare and advice was poor.

I've only recently found this site and I'm glad I have.

Best wishes to you. Take care.

[goodlife 3]

Is therapy not helping?

All I can say is that you have to get to a place where you feel that you are worth it. You're worth getting to a healthy weight. Your child is worth it too.

I hope you can get to that place.

I hope you continue with therapy and I hope it helps.

Good luck to you.

[ShannonPA-S 0]

Shannon, I am really sorry that this has not been the answer for you. It sounds like you are well aware of what you need to do but just can't get it done. I really hope you find the strength to start slowly and drop the things that are making you feel worse, like the coffee drinking (that is the worst for the reflux), the bad carbs that are keeping you craving more and more. It also sounds like you are doing all the things one would suggest for you to do, like seeing a therapist etc. I think you might benefit from trying to start back at the Clear Liquids stage and cleanse yourself and start over. I know there is no easy answer but you are going to have to pull up the bootstraps and use this as a tool. You lost a good amount and you can continue to lose more.

Wouldn't that be a wonderful testimony for yourself and the sleeve for you to turn this around for youself! You can do it!

Now that you have pushed yourself is your stomach stretched out or are you still just grazing and eating too much?

My stomach is definitely NOT stretched out. Part of me wishes that I could eat more sometimes. I am 16+ months out and still can eat maybe 3 oz. meat and 1/2 c. vegetables. I really don't want to have to snack, but I have to. And due to my schooling it's hard. The only things I don't get reflux from is meat, vegetables, and some fruits. Nuts, grains, most cheese, and many fruits give me reflux. I can't really just eat some almonds during class because of the reflux. So it's a pain.

The one thing I've noticed is that I used to eat when I was hungry. Now I eat when I'm not full. I graze all the time. It's ridiculous.

And in the morning, I can hardly eat. My stomach feels so tight.

I know I should embrace this.

The most important thing is the give up the coffee and the grains. Maybe if I do that I can eat more things without reflux like cheesesticks and fruit.< /p>

[ShannonPA-S 0]

Is therapy not helping?

All I can say is that you have to get to a place where you feel that you are worth it. You're worth getting to a healthy weight. Your child is worth it too.

I hope you can get to that place.

I hope you continue with therapy and I hope it helps.

Good luck to you.

I just started therapy a month ago. She uses a "parts of self" method. It's not yet helping, but I'm sure it will. I'm examining how different parts of myself feel about things. Like this surgery: mostly I regret it, but there is a part that is thankful for it. I just have to focus on that part and embrace it. Similarly, most of myself knows that I have to give up grains and coffee because they cause me severe reflux, but this other part of myself holds on. So we're examining why I'm so attached to these things.

[ShannonPA-S 0]

Hi Shannon,

I really do identify with you even though my story is different. I have been a compulsive eater all my life. I have tried it all...basic stuff like medication and laxatives, hypnosis, every slimming club on the planet, OA and finally the operation. Eating is still such an issue with me. I munch all day and I really really want to eat most of all just after I've eaten. The desire for food is as strong as the urge to push during labour.

I am glad I had the op. There is now some limit to the damage I can do...even if I've discovered a way to eat "through the backdoor" so to speak! Before the op it was difficult to walk any distance. My hips ached and I was breathless. Now I walk the dogs for a half hour before work and swim regularly. I still attend OA but am not working the programme. I have just completed sessions of NLP and I'm waiting to see if changes have been made.

Why does eating take such a major role in my life? Why do I jeapordise everything? It's almost as if I'm born to wear the sabotage t shirt. I was sleeved in July 2009 and although I'm glad, I'm disappointed that I get hungry and I'm disappointed that the aftercare and advice was poor.

I've only recently found this site and I'm glad I have.

Best wishes to you. Take care.

You are so right. The desire for food is so strong.

Do you try to follow a lower carb diet? I have noticed that when I do, that significantly helps me with cravings. Then I sabotage myself.

As I said in another response, I now eat when I'm not full. It's like I mistake the feeling of not being full for hunger. I hate that.

[NikiS 31]

Hi Shannon. Your story really touched me. Thanks for being so transparent. And no, you're not defective. I haven't had the surgery yet and although I haven't been big my whole life, I have been on my fair share of diets. With me it's more mind over matter. We always want those things we can't or shouldn't have. Try not to be too hard on yourself because you can do it. Look at the weigh you've lost already!!! Be encouraged, stay strong and don't give up. You're a winner!!!!

[thickinphilly 1]

Hi Shannon. Your story really touched me. Thanks for being so transparent. And no, you're not defective. I haven't had the surgery yet and although I haven't been big my whole life, I have been on my fair share of diets. With me it's more mind over matter. We always want those things we can't or shouldn't have. Try not to be too hard on yourself because you can do it. Look at the weigh you've lost already!!! Be encouraged, stay strong and don't give up. You're a winner!!!!

hi Shannon

first thank you for being so real. it feels really good to get on this site and hear all the success stories but with everything it's not always a success. i have not had my surgery yet but you are going through exactly what i have been thinking about. will i be able to do the right thing even with the sleeve. it's not just about the tool it's about your mind and your will. i know you want to do the right things but you mind tells you other wise. i not really a big eater but there are things that i know i will have to leave alone period can i do it i don't know. i'n not a really big snacker but ice cream is my down fall. i would give up food if it meant i could eat ice cream when ever i wanted. i know it will take everything in me to leave it alone. you can do the same with the bread, there's proof you can do it you have lost about 70 pounds already so you know what it takes. keep you head, stay focus and use your tool. you will be just fine.

[Daisymay 0]

You are so right. The desire for food is so strong.

Do you try to follow a lower carb diet? I have noticed that when I do, that significantly helps me with cravings. Then I sabotage myself.

As I said in another response, I now eat when I'm not full. It's like I mistake the feeling of not being full for hunger. I hate that.

Yes, when I make conscious decisions about types of food, things are better e.g. protien is a fuller longer feeling.

I have difficulty "white knuckling" when I try to stop the binge. Then it's the downward spiral again!! I too hate the not full feeling. I'm not sure I've ever spoken to anyone before who totally expresses the same food feelings as me. Thank you.

[Filosophia Scandinavia 1]

Dear Shannon

Thank you so much for sharing your story!

Lots of hugs from Copenhagen

[emilygrace 5]

Shannon, what are you punishing yourself for? Eating and drinking things that make you feel awful.. it's just abusing yourself. Do you know why you do that?

I am lucky in that I feel like I realized that and stopped doing it after the sleeve. I struggle with self esteem and feeling good enough, but I finally do believe I deserve to be a normal weight and to feel good.

I hope you get there too. Are you depressed? Do you need medication as well as therapy?

[BlackBerryJuice 349]

One thing I didn't see you mention was your activity level. Do you exercise regularly and what type of activities do you engage in? I find that exercise 1) takes up time that could otherwise be spent snacking 2) decreases my appetite (if it's intense exercise, anyway) immediately after for a good 2 hours 3) makes me want healthier foods rather than nasty stuff. Not to mention, you get all the benefits of endorphins, which it sounds you could use.

I've always been a grazer AND a binger. The sleeve took care of my binging (my biggest problem), but the grazing is still up to me. I understand you mentioned many healthy foods cause reflux, but I'm sure there are other fruits and veggies you haven't tried yet. Check out the spread at a local ethnic store and see if you can find a new fruit or vegetable to try for Snacks. I wouldn't have citrus fruits, as they are much more likely to make your reflux worse, but other things are an option. If you are grazing on apples instead of bread, it's really not that bad. One thing I also do to fight mindless eating in front of the computer is drink tea. I'm sure you know that coffee is a reflux trigger, so it's good that you are aware that you need to quit that habit if you want to decrease your reflux frequency. I like fruit tea or flavored green teas with milk. In fact, I'm sipping some right now!

I also don't know if your doctor has brought this up, but there are surgical treatments for reflux. Maybe there's been some mechanical damage to your lower esophageal sphincter that can be fixed surgically. The surgery I'm aware of is Nissen fundoplication; however, as it involves wrapping stomach tissue around the esophagus, you might not be a candidate because you don't have enough. But it's worth seeing what else the surgeons can do, they do all kinds of crazy stuff these days - maybe they can fashion a ring out of some other tissue.

[anninva 12]

shannon -- you have my love and i know how hard it is to focus one's love on oneself. i'm right there with you. the talking-to-different-parts-of-yourself therapy can be really powerful. i recently used it to combat some old traumatic stuff and it actually worked! for me, too, it was a question of figuring out why i was holding on to whatever bad things part of me felt like "she" had to hold on to.

i'm not going to give any advice other than to think of kind things and advice you'd give a friend if she were having the same problems you are and then really try doing it.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))