VSG in May 2009 -- not happy with myself

[Brooklyn732 7]

I was touched by this story because I can somewhat identify. I am a well educated man and when it comes to my success in my career, I have always made great decisions. But when it comes to food I have always sabotaged myself. I found out I had high blood pressure about 3 years ago because I had severe headaches and nausea. I remember the day I went to the Dr and felt like I was going to pass out. She gave me meds immediately and told me if I didn’t come in to the office that day I probably could have had a stroke. Would you believe I took the meds then went right across the street from the office and got some Taco Bell?? I was, no am STILL, addicted to fast food. I love all kinds. If I saw a commercial for a new burger or meal, I had to get it the next day. I’ve gotten my kids hooked on fast food. I used to bring home some form of fast food almost every day of the week. And when I would bring it home I would get an extra meal for myself to eat in the car on the way home.

I used to smoke weed heavily just so I could have the munchies which would allow me to eat more. I was wayyyy out of control. I’ve dieted before in the past and they always worked. Then I would find a reason to sabotage myself. And then I would be out of control again and balloon back up past where I was. I got to the point where I am now on 3 different BP meds and still can’t control my BP. I am predisposed for Diabetes because my dad and all grandparents had it and I am the only one of my siblings who is overweight.

My legs and feet started to swell and I couldn’t fit my shoes. I couldn’t fit into my work clothes and had to buy all new dress shirts and pants for work. I could feel myself stop breathing when I slept.

Then one day I had enough. I was asking my kids what they wanted from Mickey D’s and my 6yr old said, “Why don’t we have some salad Dad?” I was shocked and embarrassed that my young man seemed to have more sense than me and that moment. We made a really great salad together and we now have salad every night. I’ve been on this pre-op diet and as I said today in a different post, I am down 42lbs and I can’t WAIT for my surgery in December.

Your story makes is really clear that this surgery is not the panacea some people think it is. You have to be mentally ready to take this journey and no one can (or should) try to make you take it if you’re not ready. Not even yourself.

I am sure you will get to that point where you will make the changes you need to make. Hopefully it’s not too late when you do.

Good Luck!!

[sstoots 0]

Hi Thickinphilly, are you sure I didn't just write your post? Cause I swear that the exact same thing just came out of my head! I am having my sleeve done November 2nd and I have changed my lifestyle drastically in the last 4 months, so much so that I have lost 44 pounds! But I have still been unable to give up my icecream, I could eat it all day long and eat nothing else and feel so satisfied. I bet I could have lost a ton of weight had I just given up my cecream. Thankk God I found a really good light version, half the fat, a third of the calories.

hi Shannon

first thank you for being so real. it feels really good to get on this site and hear all the success stories but with everything it's not always a success. i have not had my surgery yet but you are going through exactly what i have been thinking about. will i be able to do the right thing even with the sleeve. it's not just about the tool it's about your mind and your will. i know you want to do the right things but you mind tells you other wise. i not really a big eater but there are things that i know i will have to leave alone period can i do it i don't know. i'n not a really big snacker but ice cream is my down fall. i would give up food if it meant i could eat ice cream when ever i wanted. i know it will take everything in me to leave it alone. you can do the same with the bread, there's proof you can do it you have lost about 70 pounds already so you know what it takes. keep you head, stay focus and use your tool. you will be just fine.

[Eureka-C 20]

the first thing I noticed was that you are 105 pounds less than your highest weight. 105 pounds! That is amazing. I haven't had the surgery yet, but I sooooo know what you are talking about when you know what you need to do and still can't/won't do it. I plan on following what the doctors tell me, but then I always have good intentions. I wondered if you had been brave enough to track your food intake. Also, I noticed several people joined weight watchers to have the support system and a little more guidance. I also was not sure, but are you still losing, just slowly or have you stopped losing? If you are still losing, even slowly, then maybe you should ease up on yourself a bit. Finally, I find it easier to break one habit at a time. So maybe taper off the coffee to a reasonable level, then work on the grazing or visa versa. Also, maybe a bit of behavioral therapy along with the insight therapy. Like, "When I want to eat, I will wait 5 minutes." then a week later, increase to 6 minutes and so forth until you are down to 5-6 small meals a day. Oh yeah, I just thought of something else. Are you thinking, that if you don't graze, then you only get to eat 3 times a day, maybe if you plan the 6 meals a day and have them ready, then you will have each one to look forward to. Just some thoughts. I hope something works for you. Don't give up the therapy.

[wannalise 16]

You are not defective, but for the Grace of God go all of us on this board. You are not a lost cause, you are not incapable of becoming healthy, both physically and emotionally. This life is a journey and we unfortunately learn the whole way through. Be aggressive with your own care, if this therapist is not a fit for you find a program that is. You have a wealth of love and support here, but your weight is only a symptom, and I am sure you already know that. This still can work for you, but if it doesn't even if you stay obese, you are of no less value as an individual. You are intelligent, you are a mother, and it sounds like your career will you give you the opportunity to give to others. Be the caregiver for yourself you would be for others. Be kind to yourself. I want nothing but the best for you.

Anna

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Dear Shannon, First, congratulations for the major weight loss! That is quite an accomplishment. I hate to hear you are in pain from your food choices. I hear that stomach acid can make you feel very hungery. It sounds like a vicious cycle... eating and drinking things that give you acid- feeling hungery- eating and drinking things that give you acid- feeling hungery....(or not full) How horrible! Im so sorry you are stuck in this at this time. I had a boyfriend that had gluten intolerance.. it made him very angery when he ate it... It caused such emotional upset for him! coffee pushes you around too, and can be so hard to kick. This is a big challenge for you...and still you have been partly successfull so far. You have not given up. Sometimes things get just the worst right before they get better... nothing ever stays the same forever... keep fighting, trying different aproaches... you are a smart and kind woman... you CAN find the answers to this challenge. Perhaps a little bit at a time. Perhaps not what you imagined.. perhaps even better than you can imagine...You jumped in before you had all the answers, but now that your IN don't forget to enjoy your life, your little love and the child still inside of you. You don't deserve to suffer... but some small but powerfull part of you believes its in your best interest to resist change. This is your lifes adventure right now. Good luck and know that many people here have similar challanges going on.

[PamelaAM 16]

I just want to say to all of you that this is the most inspiring thread of posts that I have ever seen on this board! The fact that everyone feels comfortable to be to open and honest really touched my heart. We all have our demons that we face every day. I was just sleeved 3 weeks ago and while I am eating around 750-800 calories a day, I still find myself calculating when I can eat again - even right after I have eaten and am so so full. It's weird. I am hoping that when I go back to work next week I will have more to keep my attention and I won't be focusing my day on food.< /p>

[BlackBerryJuice 349]

I was touched by this story because I can somewhat identify. I am a well educated man and when it comes to my success in my career, I have always made great decisions. But when it comes to food I have always sabotaged myself. I found out I had high blood pressure about 3 years ago because I had severe headaches and nausea. I remember the day I went to the Dr and felt like I was going to pass out. She gave me meds immediately and told me if I didn’t come in to the office that day I probably could have had a stroke. Would you believe I took the meds then went right across the street from the office and got some Taco Bell?? I was, no am STILL, addicted to fast food. I love all kinds. If I saw a commercial for a new burger or meal, I had to get it the next day. I’ve gotten my kids hooked on fast food. I used to bring home some form of fast food almost every day of the week. And when I would bring it home I would get an extra meal for myself to eat in the car on the way home.

I used to smoke weed heavily just so I could have the munchies which would allow me to eat more. I was wayyyy out of control. I’ve dieted before in the past and they always worked. Then I would find a reason to sabotage myself. And then I would be out of control again and balloon back up past where I was. I got to the point where I am now on 3 different BP meds and still can’t control my BP. I am predisposed for Diabetes because my dad and all grandparents had it and I am the only one of my siblings who is overweight.

My legs and feet started to swell and I couldn’t fit my shoes. I couldn’t fit into my work clothes and had to buy all new dress shirts and pants for work. I could feel myself stop breathing when I slept.

Then one day I had enough. I was asking my kids what they wanted from Mickey D’s and my 6yr old said, “Why don’t we have some salad Dad?” I was shocked and embarrassed that my young man seemed to have more sense than me and that moment. We made a really great salad together and we now have salad every night. I’ve been on this pre-op diet and as I said today in a different post, I am down 42lbs and I can’t WAIT for my surgery in December.

Wow, great post!

[Brooklyn732 7]

Wow, great post!

Thanks. I love the fact that I can share here.

[Corliss 0]

Let me start by saying this surgery works! However, I am defective. I'm very down on myself right now.

My highest weight was 365 around 2006. I lost down to 305 and got pregnant in late December 2007. Had my precious baby in Oct 2008. I was around 310 after delivery...didn't gain much weight at all. I felt healthy throughout my pregnancy except for the end...she wouldn't come out! I was 42 weeks when I was induced and then had a c-section. So, the beginning was tough. I was still 300+ pounds with a colicky infant who refused to sleep. I didn't know what to do. I finally decided that enough to was enough. I had my sleeve in May 2009 and lost weight immediately. I had no ill symptoms following the surgery, not even reflux, for 3 weeks. I felt pretty good, albeit tired. Then the reflux hit BAD at 3 weeks. I started taking a PPI and it was controlled.

But I was exhausted. Soon I realized I couldn't use food anymore (duh, wasn't that the purpose?). I started drinking too much coffee. Bad reflux continued. Then I started eating more. I would eat half a sandwich (or even less), wait until I wasn't full anymore, and eat more until it was gone. So, yes, for people out there wondering if you can overcome this, you can. I was still losing weight. But felt miserable.

I did this to myself. I regret having my surgery. At surgery, I was 322. I am now 260. Not good. I should be under 200 by now. I did this to myself. I wasn't ready to lose the weight (psychologically). I still can't give up the foods that cause me to overeat. If I eat healthy proteins/fats and some veggies, I feel great. Yet, for some reason, I want to stuff myself with bread. My reflux is out of control, but my doc took me off the PPI because I am vit B12, folate, and Iron deficient (pernicious anemia). I am on zantac 150 mg up to four times a day to try to prevent esophagitis. Yet I keep killing myself with food. Why I thought this would be my answer, I don't know.

I am a graduate student studying to become a physician assistant. I love health, medicine, and wellness. Yet I can't fix myself. If I would stop eating the crap that I eat and stop drinking the coffee, it's likely the reflux would be tolerable. I am really down on myself. I see a therapist who specializes in eating disorders, but I don't know what to do. I also have Hashimoto's thyroid disease (autoimmune) and my doc told me to stop eating gluten, but I still eat it all the time. Like I'm addicted to it. The simple suggestion to "just stop" doesn't work with me. I am a smart, educated, kind person. Yet I can't do these simple things for myself.

As of now I regret my decision to have surgery. The reflux is awful. I'm finally now not so tired. For awhile, all I did was cry because I was so tired after the surgery. So I don't know what to do. "Just stop eating the crap" hasn't seemed to work for me. It's like I can't embrace what I've done to myself. I still haven't.

Well, that's all. At least I got this off my chest.

Congrats to all who've done well. I think I'm defective. I've been big my whole life and it's like I'm scared to be small.

As a warning to those undergoing the procedure, don't think this surgery will change your core being. You need to be ready for it or quickly learn to embrace it. I thought I was ready. Obviously I wasn't.

Shannon

Shannon, honey STOP being so mean to yourself. You are over thinking this and I will bet every time you kick yourself in the arse, you want to eat the stuff that hurts you that much more. I would suggest in addition to being kind to yourself that you allow yourself to have the coffee in the morning and invest in some good gluten free bread. The good news is that it is generally crumbly and will go down easy. You will get lots of satisfaction from the bread. My Mother in law is gluten sensitive and she gets some really good breads at whole foods. Now if you go and splurge on some sweets or some wheat product, just move on, and maybe make a deal with yourself that next time you want something like that you can have it but only after you have eaten Protein and produce. I think we get in a whirlwind sometimes because we want it to be all or nothing. We think we have to be perfect or we might as well throw it overboard, and unlike a diet we can't throw this out, once it is done it is done, and we punish ourselves by doing the things that actually hurt physically like trying to eat stuff that doesn't go down easy or stuff that causes pain through reflux.

I don't understand why your doc would take you off PPIs. The treatment for pernicious anemia is B-12 injections along with folate and Iron. If you can't tolerate the iron orally then discuss the possibility of iron transfusions. I have all these issues and my doc has me on nexium. I drink coffee and have absolutely no problem with GERD as long as I drink coffee only up to 4 hrs before I go to bed. I also don't go to bed within 3 or 4 hours of eating. I drink diet green tea throughout the day and night with no problems.

Like yourself, I am an overachiever in that I have very high expectations for myself, and I have been dealing with WLS since 2005 when I had my first of two lapbands. I had my last band removed due to major complications this past May and was given a sleeve. I am learning to love my sleeve and due to my Vitamin deficiencies along with hypoproteinemia I have been cautioned by my surgeon to not even try to loose wt, to try to get my numbers up. I have lost 30 lbs since having my sleeve and I have 38 lbs to go to get to goal.

Hope this helps,

Corliss

[ouroborous 519]

First of all, you claim that you're some sort of miserable, abject failure at losing weight, but unless my math is faulty, you've lost 62 pounds. It does come off very fast at first, but then slows down dramatically. Second, not everyone drops weight equally fast -- men have an easier time of it than women (maybe makes up for us dying ten years younger!). So I would definitely consider whether your "I'm a failure" at weight loss really is "I'm not losing weight as fast as I want to."

Second, I really recommend against tying value judgments to weight loss. Despite our media culture, weight loss and obesity are more of a medical issue than a willpower/self worth issue. It's hard to tune out the persistent messages that people who are obese are failures, but the truth is that obesity should be considered like hepatitis or HIV -- sure, you may have played a role in GETTING the disease (and even then, maybe not), but once it happens to you, it's pretty much out of your hands without medical intervention. Just like someone with HIV or hepatitis can live well and take their meds to help reduce the consequences of the disease, we can eat right and exercise to try to make our obesity disease more manageable. But similar to the fact that you can't use "willpower" to conquer hepatitis, you can't ultimately use "willpower" to conquer obesity. So why blame yourself for something that's ultimately out of your hands?

Definitely consider psychotherapy. Given your consistent casting of life events in the most negative light, I would recommend CBT -- cognitive behavioral therapy -- which will help you learn to recognize and alter damaging self-talk. Ultimately calling yourself things like a loser or a failure will do nothing positive -- it won't, contrary to popular belief, motivate you to "try harder," and it might well just make you less willing to try to improve the things you CAN change. So, learning how to treat yourself more kindly will help you sail through life's inevitable obstacles more easily.

In the end, I recommend just focusing on what you SHOULD be doing -- meet goals of Water and Protein and Vitamin intake, make sure you are taking any prescriptions, get as much exercise as you can safely get -- and then leave the rest in your doctor's hands. Above all, DON'T keep comparing your weight loss to others, and to what you think you "should" be losing. Weight Watchers and other groups have a saying that you should take to heart: "compare, and despair" -- in other words, the only rate of loss that matters is YOUR rate, and you should focus on the fact that you ARE still losing weight.

In short, aside from some medical complications, when I take out your negative self-talk, I see a lap-sleeve success story, not a failure. Isn't it interesting how differently two people can see the same event?

[rain 2]

Your post is very near and dear to my heart, because I, too, am a GRAZER. Just love to nibble this and taste that, and then go munch some popcorn... but I have been working on that, and here is what helps, and what I intend to devote myself too wholeheartedly once I finally get my surgery... have you considered this?

It sounds to me like you may be mourning for food, and of course it is always easier to do what's comfortable than to change familiar patterns.

Have you tried BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION? It is a sort of therapy that focuses on replacing a bad habit with a good one,... I think that people like us will ALWAYS need something there to fill that void that we used to eat to fill. I agree, that to give up your old "food crutch" would leave you with nothing, but you can substitute!

For me, I took up CROCHET. I love it now... and always have yarn and a hook in my hands. It took me about a year to start to get good, and now I really find pleaure in making beautiful things. It keeps your hands busy, and distracts you from food. Any hobby, really, whether it's gardening or whatever.

Another think that might help is YOGA. In Yoga, you work at focusing your attention on the present moment, and gently stretching into different poses. It can quite active, and challenging, and you feel so proud of yourself when you have completed a set of poses.

BREATHING... the breath is like your lifeblood, and learning to breathe deeply and fully can calm you down, and concentrate your your body, and it's circulation and other health.

Here's a behavior modificaiton link on You Tube:

I think you are doing GREAT.. you have come a long way, and lost a ton of weight, now all you have to do is dump your old habits like a cheap suit so you can be there for that baby.

I do hope things improve for you, just concentrate on your amazing accomplishments... you've come far!

[pattimomof3nj 21]

I think you are doing wonderful Shannon. You really just need to stop beating yourself up. Remember Why you got this surgery, was it so you can be healthy and watch your child grow up? To be at your child's wedding? To get on teh floor and play cars with your child? to ride bikes? There was A REASON! You didn't just get 80% of your stomach removed for the hell of it! Focus on changing one thing at a time, switch your coffee to half caffeine, then start to do Decaf a little at a time. That was my crutch, as long as i had coffee i didn't eat! Well, i'm not coffee free, but I'm down to one cup of half cafe a day, and I'm good. If you NEED the caffeine, try Click Protein shakes, they have double espresso, and 15 gm of Protein. That will help your hunger. For your bread fix, try crackers, or tortillas. But really, only try to change one thing at a time. Make sure you get your Water in, that will help curb your cravings. there are so many things that you CAN do, try focusing on those.

there is a book that i have on audio, The Beck diet Solution. Dr Beck suggests small behavior changes to get you through your challenges. I have one that i have on a card taped to my monitor that says: " NO EXCUSES: Just because I want to eat, doesn't mean I SHOULD!" that is so powerful to read everyday.

I am here if you want some more information about the book or anything else. Good luck in your journey!

Patti

[Lisalu 89]

Shannon,

I don't know if you usually feel this bad about yourself , but if you do, it's probably depression. I've suffered from depression most of my life. I've done substantial therapy and taken meds. In my experience, therapy can help but meds are even more important. So if you are not getting the results you hope for with therapy, consider asking about medication. They could make everything just a bit more manageable.

Best of luck.

[pumpkin07 32]

My thought was also that you have been successful. YOu focus a lot on what you have not accomplished, but what about what you have accomplished.

I have loved coffee since I got the sleeve. I had to start limiting myself bc I couldn't sleep well so I just have a cup in the morning. Do you make it or buy it? Bc I have seen some lower acidic coffees in the store for sensitive tummies. Also my mom used to mix half Decaf and half regular and that helped her get off the caffeine little by little.

My addiction has been sunflower seeds b/c I can munch mindlessly. If I have them in the kitchen while cooking I can munch on them. They are Protein mostly, and if you get the Lance ones not a terrible amount of salt, although you could probably find some lower in salt. The only bad thing is sometimes one ends up in the food I'm preparing haha. Also, my car can become a wreck. I eat the ones with the shell and crack it gently w teeth.

Perhaps you need to find a Protein type addiction like the seeds. But they might give reflux I guess. I don't have a problem with it and the Fiber keeps things moving along. I won't buy the ones without the shell bc I always figure they used chemicals to remove them from the shell.

I am an emotional eater, and still have a problem with this if something is really upsetting me. I think it has caused the losing to slow down, definitely.

I wish you the best. Sounds like you are on the right road. The restriction is likely what is making you face your emotional issues with food.

No matter how I look at your situaiton, it looks better than weighing more and more.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

I truly believe that food addiction is real, every bit as real as acoholism and heroin addiction. I've often wondered why there aren't clinics where a food addict can go "dry out" in a program, just like for drugs and drink. An addiction is an addiction, be it smack or french fries, in my opinion.

Everything that you said Shannon, and what courage it took to admit it!, sounded exactly like a genuinely remorseful addict - who sees the problem, and knows that they are powerless at that moment in the face of their addiction. Don't they say recognizing that you have a problem is the first step? You've done that, so there is hope. Don't give up.