Child Abuse - what do I do?

[Dianechef 3]

My friend confided something with me today that was pretty scary & I am no quite sure what to do with this info.

She told me that her husband & 12 yr. old daughter got into an argument a few days before & the husband ended up pushing his daughter into a wall & then kicking her. The daughter went to school limping. Some of her friends at school asked her what was wrong & she told them the truth. My friend told me that her husband is normally a very kind man who was just under a lot of stress at the time. He can be rough at times & is verbally hard on the kids but nothing like this had ever happened before. The husband felt bad about it & apologized to the daughter & let her know that he was very wrong.

My friend called up her pastor for advice on what to do & he told her that the incident needed to be reported to CPS. (Child Protective Services) He said that since the daughter had told some friends there is a good chance that those friends parents might report it themselves to CPS. He suggested that my friend actually call CPS herself & tell on her husband. The pastor told her that she (my friend) was just as liable as the husband if CPS ever came in & found out that the wife was hiding it. By her calling CPS herself she is protecting the children & they would know that the wife understands the circumstances & is on top of it all.

My friend is scared to death to call CPS. She knows that it would open an investigation & all her kids would be questioned along with the daughter & the entire family monitored for several months. She's not sure she wants to go through all that, but does agree that her husband was very wrong in his actions.

I am the only person she told this info to. She is having a hard time with it & wanted my opinion. I don't know a thing about CPS. What actually happens when a wife calls to report on her husband? How long are you monitored? Is this something that will be on the husbands record for life??! Now that I know, am I liable?

Any comments would be helpful...

[DonnaB 3]

Knowing what I do about CPS - my sister fostered children for years, and adopted her two kids through the system, and I am being asked to become a foster parent through CPS for the grandchildren of some close friends of ours - I emphatically WOULD NOT recommend the wife calling CPS - - - IF YOU BELIEVE THAT THIS IS, IN FACT, A ONE TIME INCIDENT.

I WOULD recommend getting the whole family into counselling immediately. If they can show that they are taking steps to reassure the children and to take care of this through professional counselling and through their church, CPS will most likely let the parents handle the situation - UNLESS something happens again.

The foster care system is overcrowded and decisions are arbitrary - they don't have time to do it right. so they generally cut through each Gordian Knot that comes up. Frequently their 'solutions' don't fit the circumstances in individual situations.

Clearly CPS should be called if there's a chance that this obvious abuse is not an isolated, one-time incident. Sadly, no matter what the friend said, there's no way to know the answer to that question. SNAFU.

Good luck, sorry you're having to work your way through this one.

[paula 4]

Oh my goodness, this is like throwing a cigerette out the car window and it starting a forest fire (go get 'em Wheetsin)!

Your poor friend.

Just taking what you said literal, there doesnt seem to be a REAL case of abuse between dad and anyone else.

I am certainly no professional - just a mom and wife. But I would think that IF CPS would get involved, they would be able to determine if this was indeed something that needed attention. ??

If I was your friend, I would just let things cool off... and do lots of praying.

[paula 4]

I WOULD recommend getting the whole family into counselling immediately. If they can show that they are taking steps to reassure the children and to take care of this through professional counselling and through their church, CPS will most likely let the parents handle the situation - UNLESS something happens again

I thought about this, but didnt know how to say it. Thanks Donna!

I definately recommend this!

[DonnaB 3]

Bumping because I revised my post.

[3loves 0]

I have no experience with CPS so I can't really comment on that part. I agree with Donna on the counseling issue. It sounds to me like the father also needs some special attention regarding anger management. This is a tough decision. I wonder why the pastor felt so strongly about calling CPS. Maybe it's a standard response they are supposed to give.

I believe in spanking and do use that punishment for my kids when it's appropriate, but I am always wondering when I'm in public if someone is going to report me. Like tonight, my son took off running across the parking lot after I told them both many times to walk with me. After we all got the van, I swatted his little butt. I didn't care who saw b/c this could mean his life. I do wonder though in this day & age if I could be reported.

[MoOrLess 0]

An 'anonymous' call CAN be made - you or someone else could make the call and just express concern that there 'might' be child abuse happening. They will check - see if there is a reason to believe they need to look into it further, and if not, it is dropped.

I say call - what if there IS abuse and it has happened on more than one occasion? We are here to protect ALL CHILDREN.

I know it will be hard on the family to have the state involved - BUT if we don't protect the children, who will? I say - better safe than sorry. Just my opinion.

Did you know that it is breaking the law if teachers and social workers do NOT report suspected child abuse? If other students know about this incident, chances are a teacher WILL Hear about it eventually and will report it. It is called Mandated Reporting - it is the law.

I know how hard it is to make such a call. I have a friend (this happened years ago) who KNEW that her mother-in-law was being abused (neglected) by her son - she was old, dieing, and left to go to the bathroom on a port-a-potty in the middle of the living room with family members in the room (this is the least of the neglect). After she told me, I asked her if she wanted me to report it - she said yes - I did - anonymously - they were happy that I called and had no problem with me not giving my name. They went in - ordered her moved to a nursing home or another family member's home and followed up until she was placed with my friend, where two months later she died, with dignity and loving care.

I'm sorry this is so long - it is just that this is a subject I cannot ignore. There is no excuse for being afraid to report abuse - if the family is cleared all is well - if the family isn't cleared - think of the abuse you have put a stop to.

[HunnyBun 2]

When I was a kid there were a few times that I pushed my dad to the point of him really giving me a good beating. He used a belt or a tree branch and beat my butt black and blue. I tried to use my hands to cover my butt and got hit on my hands and arms too. It happened on only a few occasions. I'm glad noone reported it. I got a beating, learned to stop messing up and went on with my life.

If someone had called child services and my family was messed with, or if I was interviewed by social workers etc, I would probably be really stressed out. Too much drama for a kid.

I'm not saying its ok for the guy to hit the girl, I don't really hit my son, but if the girl really screwed up and pushed him over the edge then she might have deserved it. I remember that every time my dad beat my butt I always screwed up BAD.

There is only so much a parent can take before he really wants to just hit.

I know there were instances where it took every last drop of strength to stop myself from giving my son a beating, like the time he threw my money out of the bus window and the driver wouldn't stop until the next busstop. I lost a bunch of money and I was poor...

Not defending the dad, just think that if he was never abusive in the past maybe he's just been pushed over the edge. I think everyone out there has a limit to how much they will take before they snap.

[Victoriana 10]

Dear Dianchef, It sounds like that some calls could have already have been made. Please tell your friend to be proactive and get her husband into some kind of family counseling or anger management classes, that way when or if some one from CPS calls she will have done the responsible action, possibly the same first step they would have taken. This way they will be able to make a positive statement about the family that is already in charge of their own behavior for the sake of the kids. They will have no opportunity to have to take action if action is already made, right? There is certainly no harm in getting some kind of counseling. and trust me, usually these things escalate. I have known families in crisis, and the abusers never are proud of what they did, they are usually remorseful, rarely do they however seek help. The children are needing help. Children always have a way of believing that they were the cause of the problem, when usually the children are just being children. Please do not remain silent with this information!!

[CCBSTX 0]

Tell your friend, that they need counseling before this "stress" thing get out of hand. By law, teachers, administrators are supposed to report to CPS is there is a SUSPICION of child abuse (or else they can be held liable). If the 12 year old is telling friend, it may have already ended up w/ CPS??

Hopefully, the family can get help. If not, keep your "ears" open for any further signs. If there are....then you must report.

My opinion. Shawn

[Wheetsin 714]

I would imagine that if others report it, and the wife does not, it will only further the doubt because they will want to know why she did not - does shoe do it too, is she scared of the husband, etc.

Things like this are very, very rarely one-time things. He obviously has an anger management problem. This may be the first time he has taken it out on his children, but I would bet most of what I own that it's not the first time he has taken it out on something. Behavior is never a reason for physical punishment. There's a spanking (which I'm against but that's not the topic here), but there's a world of difference between spanking a child and throwing them to the ground & kicking them.

If my husband ever did that to our child, I wouldn't have to ask for advice on whether or not to call CPS - I'd be my own CPS. And that father likely just did more damage to his daughter than just about anything else could.

[Dianechef 3]

Thanks for all the responses!! I had a long conversation last night with my friend & found out more info that she was hesitant to tell me earlier. A year ago, her husband had a run in with their 7 yr. old son as well. Knowing this information, I told her that she really should contact CPS because it isn't just an isolated event.

I think that I may go ahead & call the hotline number as well & be an anonymous caller - just to make sure the kids are okay.

[Teresita 0]

She told me that her husband & 12 yr. old daughter got into an argument a few days before & the husband ended up pushing his daughter into a wall & then kicking her. The daughter went to school limping.

Well let's see, a grown man pushed a 12 year old girl into a wall then proceeded to kick her.

What would you do if you saw this happen...... :think Who is protecting the child?

Give me the address, I'll call. I would have beat his azz if it was my child and then dared him to hit or kick ME....HE WOULD HAVE BEEN IN THAT WALL!!!!

[HeatherGurl 0]

I don't care if it is a one time issue or not... there is ABSOLUTELY NO reason for a grown man to push and kick a child!!! This makes me want to puke. After reading that there was a run in with her son at one time also... you definitely need to do something.

Stay on your friend's ass about this.. if she doesn't call today.. I think you should call for her.

She might come back and tell you tomorrow that she was hesitant to tell you that SHE has had a run in with him also.

I hope that at the least someone will look into this and get that dad some help soon!

[FunnyDuddies 6]

Speaking as someone who grew up in an abusive household, please call. Please. The mom sounds like my mom...scared, unsure, afraid to lose her family unit as it is, and afraid to lose the relationship she has with her husband. I watched my mom struggle with not telling anyone when my dad would do these things to me. I think you need to call, and then offer, with help of the pastor if possible, to have them find counseling and possible leave the home for a little while. Not forever...somethings can be mended. But until then it is safer physically and psychologically for her and the kids to not be in the house. If she does not proactively leave, she may find that CPS takes the kids out of the home from both of them. And then she might face his stress and anger over the situation.

I will pray for both her and family, as well as for you. this is a tough situation that needs to be handled gently or it could tear the family apart completely. Good luck to you, and to her.