Adoption Drama-advice needed

[Dody 0]

I've seen cries for help before with women saying outright they can't take care of a baby. They aren't kidding. They truly can't. This is often where shaken baby syndrome originates, because a parent just can't cope for many reasons. One of these reasons could be post-partum depression. Don't put off getting involved when there is a small baby that can't speak for itself. You would never forgive yourself for it if anything happened. Speak up and call Child Protective Services. You will be doing the SIL and this baby a huge favor.

God Bless,

Dody

[mini_me 3]

RE: She tested positive for THC when she delivered the baby...prematurely.

RIGHT THERE WA STATE WOULD HAVE TAKEN THE BABY AWAY ASAP!!! I HAVE A FRIEND THAT FOSTERS DRUG BABYS. THEY GO FROM THE HOSPITAL RIGHT TO HER HOME.

the state stepped in, but did not take the baby away from her. they required that she and the baby be in the company of a responsible adult at least 21 years of age with no criminal history. my mil stepped in and let her stay with her until the state cleared sil to have the baby without supervision. they sent her to two counseling sessions that lasted about 20 minutes each, and drug tested her on each of those occassions. well, the drug tests were planned, so she just stayed clean for a couple of weeks. btw, i am in texas and there is a LOT of bad publicity about cps right now, but i am not really seeing any changes being made.

RE: She had written out a statement that she was handing over legal guardianship of the baby to the cousin, and that she intends to allow the adoption.

DID SHE ACTUALLY WRITE "INTENDS"? yes i think it said something like she was doing this with the intention to allow the couple to adopt the child.

MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU THIS EVENING Thanks!!

[mini_me 3]

thanks Dody, i need people telling me to do that so that i do not feel like i am doing something that is wrong.

you're right, i would NEVER forgive myself if anything happened to that sweet little girl, and let me tell you, she IS SO SWEET(makes my teeth hurt!)

[Marimaru 7]

I don't really have any advice, but wanted to let you know my thoughts were with you and your cousins.

I think that if at any point she actually told you "I cannot take care of my baby", that really should be it. You don't really get to decide what days you can deal with your kids..

[mini_me 3]

Amen, Sarah...

I talked to SIL again today, and I reminded her of this. She would not even acknowledge the issue. She acted surprised that the cousin was upset. I did not know she was that stupid!! I told her(SIL) that she gave the baby away, the cousin is having her child RIPPED from her arms. Cousin would NEVER dream of allowing this child to go to someone elses home to live.

My DH has decided that we are not to be involved anymore. CPS has been contacted and they have all the info that i know. I do not know if what i said will make any difference. I am so helpless in this situation. All I know to do at this point is to be a shoulder for this poor woman to cry on. She loves that baby every bit as much as i love my own children...that i birthed and nursed.

((emotional wreck to be continued some other time))

thanks everyone for the support!

[TIDGE 0]

Kathi,

My SIL is definitly being VERY selfish in this ordeal. She keeps saying she can't live without her and she doesnt feel right, and she wakes up looking for her, etc...i asked her "what about the baby?" what is best for her? She had no answer. she just kept saying oh, well.

Quote=mini_me)I think she may still be dabbling in drug use. While I have no concrete evidence that she is an unfit parent, I strongly suspect that she would be considered unfit by professionals.

Sorry if i've offended, wasn't my intention, of course this a very emotional issue for you and cold objectivity feels harsh.

When I posted my reply there was only a personal 'suspision' that the SIL was still involved in drugs and no concrete evidence that she was an unfit parent. My reaction to that was 'well, get her some help then'.

This woman could well be suffering from depression and needs help and support with or without her baby.

All I am saying is that without a professional body intervening to establish facts and not suspisions and unfounded thoughts of dabbling - which was all that was documented before my reply - nobody has the right to seperate a parent and her child.

Yes in a perfect world the SIL will clean up and keep her baby, of course this isn't always possible but it has to tried before any other options.

Imagine if your own child grew up and took drugs and couldn't care for her child - would you tell her to give it up for adoption? I certainly wouldn't, I would fight tooth and nail to get her on a clean-up programme and get her social housing and parenting classes and help her to change her life. This woman needs help.

As for her drug taking, I would have expected a little more empathy form a forum comprising of food addicts. To say that she blew her rights to be a good parent by taking drugs is like saying that none of us deserve to be slim because we ate ourselves into this situation, but people can change, we are trying to but we need help and support. Give the birth mother every suport available and only then, if all else fails should she lose her baby.

I know that this will annoy some people and maybe she can't turn her life around - but maybe she can, she and HER child need to at least be given a chance.

[mini_me 3]

hey tidge,

thanks for the response. i am not just terribly offended by your posts. it is simply frustrating because there is no way i can convey all of the intricate details of this ordeal. i cannot equate drug addictions to food addictions. i could/would/ and have surrendered food to my children when God knows i wanted to eat that treat myself.

my food addiction does not hurt anyone but myself.

food is not illegal.

food does not impair my judgement.

food does not induce a state of mind that is psychotic at times(at least not for me).

the grocery store manager is not going to do a drive by shooting at my house because i decided to shop at HEB this week.

i do not miss work because of my food addiction

so while i understand your sympathy for my SIL, i do not completely agree with your comments about not understanding how this community does not have more sympathy for SIL and her addiction. i have worked diligently for almost three years to help this girl as much as i possibly could. i never turned my back on her emotionally or financially, no matter what happened or how bad things seemed.

she gave this baby up. she called me up and told me to come get her now. tonite. or she was going to leave her with a stranger(CPS). she handed the child over. she called and said come get this baby, i can't take care of her.

when she was forced into therapy, it was a sham, and she mocked it. she refused to take things seriously and she refused to acknowledge that she had a problem. i understand that this is all stuff that she needs help with, and i understand those who would be sympathetic to her plight. but at some point you have to take responsibility for your own actions. you cannot let your problems be the sole responsibility of other people for your whole life. the bottom line is...the baby is not best served with SIL.

this isn't a contest to me to see who is the best mommy. it is about the welfare of the child. if SIL choses her addictions over her child, she should not have the child in her custody. if she refuses to accept the help that is offered, she should not ever have the child. as much as i understand your point that this girl needs help, and i agree that she needs help, i hope that you understand that there MUST come a point in a persons life where powers must intervene and start some damage control. sil is ruining the lives of everyone she comes in contact with, most of all, she is disrupting the baby's existence.

regarding your comment about if my child had a baby, etc. well, regardless of her being my child or not, my #1 priority would be keeping the baby safe. then i would make sure i could get my child the help she needed. i am against ripping a child from a mother's loving arms. but SIL did not have the baby ripped from her, she gave the baby away. she perpetrated this fraud for weeks, allowing this couple to keep, love, and bond with this child when she knew she had no intention of allowing the adoption. the cousin now loves this child as her own...and she has no children, cannot have children...and sil is ripping the child from her arms. in essence, sil is now ripping this baby from her mother's arms.

so, in conclusion, i am not vehemently disagreeing with you. i knew when i asked for advice that there was a distinct possiblity that i would read some things that i did not want to read. but i wanted that to happen, it makes me think of other perspectives. it makes me rationalize every aspect of this horrid scenario.

tidge, i am grateful for your comments. i hope that if we still disagree, it can be a peaceful disagreement. this is not the thread for ANY type of flaming. emotions are running high for me, and i am dealing with enough drama in real time life. i do not need any extra drama on this thread, a thread that i check each day...for support.

[juliek 0]

I don't have any advice, other then that which was already giving, seek legal council immediately. But I do want to offer my prayers that the best interests of that baby will be served, and that the biological mom has an epithany and signs the papers with no hassles. My heart goes out to you in this situation.

[Northernsun 4]

My birth mother gave me up before i was born but the papers did not go through the court for 6 months. I wonder what kind of life i would have had if my birth mother had changed her mind, andI know what hell that would have put my mom through. I am sorry you were involved in this mess but seems like you are the voice of reason. The safety and well being of the baby are the most important thing. Period. When would be the next time ( and there WILL be a next time) that she says she can not handle the baby, and then where would she go? When it came to our turn, we had a problem conceiving and carrying past 3 months. When I finally did have my miracle baby words can't describe my joy. My heart goes out to you and your family - this is not an easy time. Everything said and done tho, the care of the baby is still the most important thing. Always.

[mini_me 3]

this poor couple has been through so much, and bonded so deeply with this baby, that i am not sure that even a miracle pregnancy would offer FULL salvation for all they have been through. but i am praying that by the grace of God that she will turn up pregnant. They have tried for years and finally gave up trying and focused their efforts on adoption. they do not have the resources for fertility assistance.

thanks for everyone's support, keep praying for this little baby!

[Carlene 12]

Imagine if your own child grew up and took drugs and couldn't care for her child - quote]

I am raising my daughter's child because she either can't or won't take care of her. It doesn't matter which...what matters is that because she lives with me instead of her mother, this child has a stable home, everything she needs, and people who will not let her down. I love my daughter (she is my ONLY daughter) more than my own life, but I cannot love her/enable her at my granddaughter's expense.

She is 33 years old. At what point should I (and society) start holding her responsible for her own choices? I have spent thousands of dollars trying to help her, but it hasn't (helped, that is). I am waiting now for her to get insurance so I can give her a car (right now, she has no transportation). That's all she has to do....come up with $165 for six months worth of liability insurance. She has had a month to do this, and as far as I can tell, she has made zero progress.

Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they can begin to find their way back up. I applaud those who do recover, but I still don't think they should be allowed to suck the joy out of everyone around them, just because they keep making crappy choices.

[mini_me 3]

bumping for more advice...

the SIL kept calling last night. she said she was going to pick up the baby. she never would commit to a time of arrival. the couple had been in contact with cps, who would not be able to open an investigation until monday. ((figures, when you need them they are not there...but i can think of a hundred instances{maybe not a hundred} where they intervened without valid cause)) the couple asked sil to be there by 10 pm, as they had planned an out of town trip. when the sil did not show up by 10, the cop that was helping them told them to go on the trip, and take the baby. so...sil showed up at the cousins house at midnight last night...according to the neighbors...and she was banging on the door, but noone was home. called my dh who was in D.C. for the night, with a flight departure of about 4 am local time. she ordered him to call the cousin and tell them to open the door. he told her that this was her problem, handle it. so...she had her little friend take her back home...approx 100 miles...maybe more. so now CPS is going to be involved. SIL still has no place to live. she seems to think that she is going to tell CPS that she lives with her dad, who lives in a 16 foot airstream trailer that is about 30 years old. he has one bed in there that is about equivalent to something between a twin and full. i do not think she realizes that CPS will NOT deem that appropriate housing for them...2 adults and 2 small kids in one bed? i dont think so.

so, who knows what tomorrow holds. dh and i have bowed out of it all. as much as i want to help, i have my own family to worry about. there is a family member to worry about the baby(cousin) and SIL is going to have to fight her battles WITHOUT me or my support on this one. we will just wait and see what CPS does. if the kids are safe with her, then, well, who am i to say anything else...as long as i do not have good evidence or knowledge of anything other. i am still VERY upset with her for putting the cousins through this, i may never be able to forgive her for this.

[EmileeKaye 1]

Wow, I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. I would have your cousins get on record how she was behaving and at what time she finally showed up at the house by their neighbors. And its good they gave her a time and had the cops involved and were given the ok to leave.

It sounds like they are handling everything the best way they can.

[TIDGE 0]

mini me

I replied to your post in the very early days with few facts given, my response was sincere and based on that. We all have complex reasons and issues guiding our concepts and viewpoints.

I hope you all find peace and that the decision that is best for the child is reached soon. Tidge.

[MsButterKup23 1]

I am not a legal expert and laws vary from state to state.

I would advise the cousin to get in contact with a lawyer ASAP. She needs to go for LEGAL custody through court. A judge in their right mind would not give a baby back to someone who is a drug user, has no home and no job.

After temporary custody they should be able to go for permanent custody, termination of parental rights then adoption.

Please keep us posted.