Adoption Drama-advice needed

[mini_me 3]

My SIL decided a couple of months ago that she could not care for her 9 month old daughter. She decided to allow her cousin to take custody. The cousin is married and they have been trying to get pregnant and adopt a child for years. They had been able to obtain a baby for adoption at one point. The went through the WHOLE pregnancy, paid the attorney $5000 to arrange the legal work, were present for the delivery, took the baby home from the hospital, and had her home for one day when the mother knocked on the door with police officers telling them that she changed her mind. They had no choice but the hand the baby over. They were so devastated.

JUMP TO PRESENT DAY--The cousin mailed the court documents to me, and I was going to help her get the papers signed by my SIL. (they live 150+ miles from each other and I am halfway between) I called SIL and she has decided that she changed her mind. There is a lot of history behind my SIL and her parenting skills. She cannot keep a job or provide housing. She tested positive for THC when she delivered the baby...prematurely. The baby has some health problems...nothing severe, but she should be monitored regularly. I suspect that SIL had not been taking her for immunizations, check ups, etc. while she had her. I think she may still be dabbling in drug use. While I have no concrete evidence that she is an unfit parent, I strongly suspect that she would be considered unfit by professionals.

My concern...SIL called two months ago and told me that she could not care for the baby. She told me to come get her TODAY. I repeatedly asked her if she was sure and she reassured me that she was, and stated that she could not provide for the baby. She asked me to come get the baby and take her to the cousin. She had written out a statement that she was handing over legal guardianship of the baby to the cousin, and that she intends to allow the adoption. This wasn't notarized or anything, just a statement on notebook paper. I guess she did it to reassure the cousin that she was serious about this matter. (father unknown)

Is there any recourse for these cousins? I love my SIL, but understand, I feel this is wrong, not only for the cousin, but for the baby. SIL already admitted that she cannot care for the child, and SIL still has no job. She is currently living a nomadic lifestyle, staying wherever she can from night to night. Can the cousin's seek legal action indicating that the baby would be in danger going back to my SIL? If they did that, would they be allowed to keep the baby? Would the baby go to foster care? Is what SIL did two months ago considered abandonment?

DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ADVICE???

[medussa 0]

Geez, what a mess! I would definately start documenting everything! Times and dates of what happened. You can get DCFS involved and tell them about the drug abuse and living arrangements. They should be able to help facilitate keeping the child in a stable environment at least while they investigate the matter. They usually try to keep the child in family member's home if possible so I doubt that foster care would have to happen. It doesn't hurt to call and ask about your options. DCFS is always on the side of the child and what is best for the kids. If the cousin is best then DCFS could potentially be your best friend.

Like I said before, start documenting EVERYTHING. When the SIL said what, drug suspicions, living arrangements, financial stability. If the SIL gets money from family or other help.... or even if she doesn't bother. Keep track of the child's health condition and make the pediatrician aware of what is going on so that they can keep careful documentation. If it ever comes to a battle, the documentation will be EXTREMELY helpful. Good Luck.

[I'llsucceed 1]

I would contact an attornery & get all of your state facts from them. This way you'll know where everyone stands. It sounds that the child will only benefit from the adoption going through. I wish your whole family good luck. But please contact someone in the "law" field of adoptions & or child custody cases.

[medussa 0]

Is the child with the cousins? If so, you will definately need to contact DCFS (department of child and family services) if mom wants the baby back. Do it before she comes to the door with the police. That way if DCFS has time to investigate and deem her at least temporarily unsuitable, the kid can stay with the cousins and then they can seek legal council.

[mini_me 3]

thanks for the advice. i am waiting for the cousin to call. i am hoping to stay out of this as much as possible. i do not want to take sides and be overly involved in the intricate details, as i do not want anyone to question my bias if the time comes to tell a judge what has transpired. maybe THAT does not even make sense, but i am going to tell the cousin the things that you have suggested and i am going to start writing everything down.

thanks, and if anyone else has advice...please offer.

[mini_me 3]

yes, the baby is with the cousins. i do not thing there is any danger of SIL going to get the baby, she has no idea where they live, and has never asked for us to give her an address, etc. she has no transportation, and no sense. i think she is just going to let them hang on to the baby and think that she will get her back at her convenience. i sure hope the judge makes her fight for the baby, because then she would surrender because she won't want the hassle of the ordeal. she is a quitter.

[Kathi 0]

I speak from personal experience that no one should parent a child that they do not want, or are not able to care for (emotionally or physically). I believe that to put a child up for adoption is to show true love to the child by wanting what is best for the child out weigh the parents emotional needs.

Do what is best for the child. I understand love and concern for your SIL, but the child is the main concern.

Best of luck, and keep us posted.

[mini_me 3]

Kathi,

please do not misunderstand my position. i am fully in favor of my husband's cousin and her DH keeping the baby. i am just afraid that they will have no rights to the child to be able to fight this, as NOTHING had made it to a court/legal level in the process. All that was done was dropping off the baby and writing an informal letter saying that the cousin could make decisions for the baby's welfare. (not notarized or anything) My SIL is definitly being VERY selfish in this ordeal. She keeps saying she can't live without her and she doesnt feel right, and she wakes up looking for her, etc...i asked her "what about the baby?" what is best for her? She had no answer. she just kept saying oh, well.

i am sooooo upset by this. she just wanted a little break from the responsibilities of motherhood and took advantage of the cousin in their time of need.

Wheetsin, i know you are looking. you always have good advice...what do you think?

[TIDGE 0]

The social services should be involved in this and with the proper support the mother could be helped with housing and her possible addictions. Parenting classes and support are available and I feel that the SS would rather help the child and mother to be together. Adoption is always a last resort and cannot be dealt with casually. They need social services professional help and the earlier you all seek help, the better for this baby. If mum can be cleaned up and housed and taught to care for and bond for her child, that is the best scenario. Perhaps yr cousins are not thinking of babies best interests but their own? Good luck . Tidge.

[pier13 1]

I am from MA so I dont know if the laws are different. I would say when they first took the baby from SIL everyone should of went into court and SIL could of signed over custody in a day at the court. I don't think her writing that on the paper is gonna hold up so much from a legal point, now that she wants her baby back. I think that she could possibly get the baby back. child protected services will probably get involved and the birth mother might be given weekly visits and have to be drug tested. Hopefully your cousin is able to keep the baby at thier home if this is to happen. that way if the birth mother doesn't stay clean then her rights are terminated your cousin will have the option to leagally adopt the baby. I would have your cousin call a lawyer. I wish you the best with this situation.

[DonnaB 3]

The social services should be involved in this and with the proper support the mother could be helped with housing and her possible addictions. Parenting classes and support are available and I feel that the SS would rather help the child and mother to be together. Adoption is always a last resort and cannot be dealt with casually. They need social services professional help and the earlier you all seek help, the better for this baby. If mum can be cleaned up and housed and taught to care for and bond for her child, that is the best scenario. Perhaps yr cousins are not thinking of babies best interests but their own? Good luck . Tidge.

I ABSOLUTELY disagree! If she's not bonded with that baby by now she never will be! She's bonded with her drug habit and her irresponsible life-style.

Have your cousins talk to an attorney FIRST - then let the attorney take care of reporting to child protective services.

I pray to God to let that innocent baby stay with people who already love it and care for it. Taking the baby away from them will cause far more problems through separation anxiety than any benefit of being with a biological parent might bring.

Adoption always a last resort? What utter crap. You have to have a licence to catch a fish but they'll let any (insert your favorite explicative) have a baby.

Sorry mini-me, I know this is not a debate but I couldn't help replying to that post.

[Wheetsin 714]

Mini_Me, I called mom but she's in a hearing - I'll try again later. In the meantime, let me make sure I understand.

The married cousin never had guardianship or custody - the "close call" was with a totally different baby, right? Or did that happen with this same baby?

They're willing to take this baby, and were told by SIL they could have it, started proceedings, and then SIL changed her mind & said no. Now SIL has changed her mind again and is saying yes, but married cousin is apprehensive because they've been down this road before.

Did I follow, or is that wrong?

As for action being taken now, it may vary by state but I know that in MO if a child is removed from their parents, relatives to have priority in placement -- meaning a grandparent should be able to get guardianship (in short guardianship doesn't sever the legal right of the custodian, it just makes the person responsible for the child's welfare) of the child before the child is considered for foster placement.

Now on the personal side...

You've been thrown into an unfair position where a certain amount of responsibility has been placed on your shoulders, involuntarily. Because you know of the baby's living conditions (e.g. its mother), you have some responsibility for the baby's welfare. I agree that contacting the appropriate (appropriate being the state in which SIL legally resides) course of action right now. If you'd like, when I talk with mom I can ask her the best way to do this - e.g. what should you be prepared to answer/do/provide. If I were the one calling, I'd have no clue.

I don't know the people involved, exact situations, etc. but if anyone in my family ever called me and said, "Please come get my baby, I can't care for it" they would both be coming to my house because while getting the baby taken care of is the first priority, there's also the issue of your SIL and what she needs. Now keep in mind I didn't say STAYING at my house ( ), but something like this might be her way of calling out for help and I could at least talk with her and try to point her in the right direction. Also, depending on SIL's type, you never know what she's going to claim happened and I *think* that, much like domestic cases, all it takes is the claim in order for someone to beunder legal scrutiny... so in other words, if you went and got the baby, is there a chance that a few hours later the sister would call someone and say you took it? Or that it was missing? I dunno - but maybe something to keep in mind.

Your married cousin definitely should contact a lawyer and explain the situation. That's where the best advice from their side is going to come from in terms of whether or not they can do anything to safeguard against another change of mind.

I'll follow-up when I can get in touch with mom.

[mini_me 3]

Donna

I appreciate your response, that is how I felt when i read the post, but my energy is consumed with my own thoughts. I was offended by the comment that perhaps the cousin was not interested in the best interest of the baby. I am against the baby going back to mom, and NOONE can argue that I do not have the baby's best interest in my heart. I never got a good night's sleep when SIL had the baby. Since the day that precious little girl was born i have worried about her welfare.

Pier13-you are SOOO right. We should have handed the baby off in a courtroom. i guess we were complacent because it was family on the giving and recieving end of the matter. everyone trusted that everyone was secure in their decisions. the cousin has a lawyer already. they had already paid the $3000 to get the adoption process started.

Tidge, thanks for your input, i DID solicit opinions and info. I DO believe that you were thinking of the baby. I just have a very different opinion. I would not let my SIL babysit my kids for an hour, much less have a defenseless little baby depending on her.

Wheetsin-close call was another baby(not baby in question), my baby neice is currently with the cousin. SIL does not have the resources to go get the baby. I think that if we ignored her, she would NEVER go pick up the baby, but she won't sign the papers. she has not called to check on her not once. btw, on the day she called and told me to get the baby, i tried to get her to come home with me. she refused. she was in the process of moving out of one of her houses, and she was with her boyfriend. they seemed like they had plans. the next few days, everytime i called to check on SIL's state, she was high or something...did not make any sense, either elated or dead sleepy. i have called her regularly to check on her mental state and to discuss if she was still ok with this. Just two weeks ago she told me that she was good to go and was certain that she was going to sign the papers. i just don't know anymore.

if i thought there was any chance that she could provide a loving/stable life for this child, it would be so different. she is just so friggin...nomadic, emotional unstable, irresponsible, and i do not even know what else to say. i wonder if she will do this again next time she gets tired of the stresses of parenting.

[nursekathy2u 0]

I am in Texas and my sister is a registered child care provider. She recently went thru a similar situation with a drug addicted mother and her 2 children. My sister called CPS and the police when the mother failed to pick them up for the 5th time. They were neglected, mother had them in child care with 2 day care providers so she never had to feed them.. they just slept at the house with their mother and each day went to day care for the entire day. Weekends included. Anyway.. the CPS caseworker had the mother "allow" her children to stay with my sister until she completed parenting classes and cleaned up her drug habit. The childs natural father wanted custody but lived in another state and the mother did not want them to go to him. The mother was allowed to make all decisions about where her children lived even though they were not allowed to live with her. Was a strange ordeal... The CPS caseworker said they prefer the children stay with their parents if help can be arranged for the parent. A foster home was never mentioned and CPS and the mother never paid my sister a dime for caring for those children for 4 months. I came to believe that the "system" was so depleted that if my sister was willing to be taken advantage of that was the best idea to them. In retrospect, the girls were allowed to stay together in an environment they already knew and felt safe in so it really was the best solution at the time. The sad thing was that when the mother came to visit you could tell that she really LOVED her babies. It is so sad that Drugs can get such a hold on people that they choose them over a precious child. And even sadder is the fact that the children loved their mother unconditionally and wanted to be with her. I hope things work out for the best for all involved.

[mini_me 3]

thanks kathy...i DO believe that she loves this child, but you are right, she chooses her addictions over the baby.

the baby was 8/9 months old when she went to the cousins and could not even sit up unassisted or crawl. my sil would strap her in her little swing and leave her there all day. within a week, the baby was sitting unassisted and crawling...even pulling up on furniture.

SIL loves the baby, but does not know how to handle loving and providing. she does not SHOW the baby love.

oh, i wanna scream. this is so painful.