female only Long Vent...- very much needed..

[Jane_J 117]

Hi Jane, can you tell I have some major trust issues because of hurtful pasts? I agree with the cruel and nasty for no good reason issue. . I don't think this makes them happy, I think it's because they are feeling so low and miserable that they want everyone around them to be miserable too. . . you seem like a very good hearted person, stay that way, don't become like me, cause I will probably pass a lonely old lady. . .

Hi thinoneday, see how you go, and never say never!! I would not like to see you pass a lonely old lady but you have your family I hope. Life can be very sh*tty sometimes I know but sometimes it isn't too.

Jane x

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

thin, I also agree with Jane. I also am not sure if you really truly feel that way or are just speaking from a jaded point of view. Much like being married a true friendship comes with give and take on both sides. If one is giving more than taking and vice versa, the end is going to be ugly.

I do believe though that there are some really great matches out there who one would consider a real friend. They are really few and far between. I could count on one hand how many of those I really have. One of them being my husband, so he almost doesn't count.

I think closing oneself off from the possibility of gaining a good friend is a very bad idea. So much can be gained and learned from others. It would be a travesty to not have this in your life. I consider many I've met along the years from this website as well as LBT to be some really awesome and true friends. These are even people I have never even met in person, but have spoken with via telephone!

Like the OP I also had a friend just like this. We met when we were 7 and remained friends for many many years. When we became in our late 20's we lost contact for many years. Not long after banding we met up again. Well since childhood she's always been the taker and me as she called me "her wind beneath her wings"... and would even sing it out to me. "Must have been cold there in my shadowwww..." Ok that sounds funny now, but can you imagine? Anyway, 25 years later she hasn't changed a bit. Everything and anything we did had to be revolved around her. I'm not that same shadow anymore and didn't want anything to do with that. So, just as quickly as we'd found each other again, I lost her. She's fine without me, and believe me, I'm more than fine without her!

It didn't even hurt to be honest. I felt a huge weight lift off me, and I know this split up is forever now. Thinking back, we never had anything in common. I was just her friend out of convenience because I was always there to "give" to her in one way or another. Enough.

However, that won't keep me from keeping an open mind to all the other wonderful people in this universe!! It's not their fault she's a B***h!!

[swizzly 901]

When people do things to me that are too long to list and I want them to know how I feel, I write them a letter. I get it all down on paper so I can't be interrupted and I can read it over and over until I have it exactly how I want it.

That is exactly what I would do in this situation!

+1

I would write it and craft it and hone it to a razor-fine edge, mmm. And then not send it. Not because I'm scared to say what I think and stand behind it, but because I think getting it out of me, and then having the strength to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself (or share them with actual friends) instead of giving that kind of power away -- well, I think it feels pretty damn good.

Plus, I agree with both of Jane's posts!!

[Jane_J 117]

I have recently cut my sister adrift, more because I hated the way she treated our Dad in his final years, he died recently, although she has been pretty crappy and unsupportive of me throughout too. She never heped out dealing with our aging and ill Dad, and in fact then tried to blame me after he died!!

I love some of my friends far more than I do my sister and I know I am better off without her in my life. I want to spend what time I have left on this planet caring for and being cared for and enjoying the company of the people who I really like and love.

Now I am older I think I can treat myself a bit!

Jane x

[lillita 18]

Thinoneday, I can relate. My mom engraved in our brain since we were little that there were not such things as friends and the only people you have are family. But, to be honest, I have some really great friends (I can count them all in one hand) and shitty family. My mom engraving this into my head made me have serious trust issues with everyone and that really did me wrong. In order to make a friend, you need to be a friend. Having said that, you also need to know when that person is really not what you need. We can have tons of acquaintances and they come a dime a dozen but real friends are few and far between.

Longevity doesn't make a good friendship -- I have known some acquaintances since grade school but that is all they will ever be for me. It just took some time to realize the difference between a real friend and an acquaintance!

[Globetrotter 1,340]

I'm with Jane - ditch the bitch!! And as for her little snipe on Facebook? I would respond with "you certainly oughtta know." Like most of us here I had a friend like that and really most of my friends are really self-absorbed. This one friend though, we met at 11 yrs old and were "friends" for 12 years. Near the end of the friendship I had gotten into a good weightloss phase with jazzercise and diet. Her congratulations and "support" were so ridiculously fake that even others could see it - a mutual friend after witnessing a "performace" said, "X is so not going to be your friend after you lose the weight, even my Mom said so!" I cut this person out of my life 8 years ago and it's been great!

Alright, this is a WARNING that this will be long. I really have nowhere to turn at this point. Growing up I was always the "fat/chubby/chunky girl". I ALWAYS had a problen with me weight, the youngest I can remember is me being 8 or 9 years old and being on a diet. So yeah, I got the VSG and only told a few VERY close family members (Mom, Dad, Grandmother, My Dad's Parents, and my best friend). I had told my best friend...we will just call her "A", and asked her to NOT tell anyone. Before I even got the surgery, I had found out she had told people & friends in HER family. I got over it and said I wouldn't care what others thought. So growing up I have always been the "go-to girl" as well. If ANY of my friends needed something, money, or needed to talk, or anything I was ALWAYS there for them no questions asked. And yes, a lot of times I was taken advantage of, and let people walk all over me and treat me like crap.

Since surgery I have lost over 80 pounds, so I am starting to look REALLY different, cute even. "A" has been my best friend since I was 6. She has never been there for me the way I have for her. I remember one time I was crying my eyes out and I was upset, I vented to her and her response was..."omg I bought these really cute shoes today..*then begins to explain what they look like*"...

Yeah, she TOTALLY blew off everything I said and wasnt there for me AT ALL.

Today she texts me and we are talking and all of a sudden she says "what is wrong with you..god!".....I responded "what are you talking about?" She then says that i am being rude and a bad friend lately...and she couldnt even tell me HOW i am being a "bad friend". Since surgery I realized I am allowed to be selfish and worry about myself for a change, and take care of me. I have learned how to stand up for myself. I have learned how to not be a door mat and be walked all over. She HATES that my attention isn't all on her and HER issues that she is having. Her mature text message she last sent said "well i know you were rude like two mins ago, i'm going to go now..GOODBYE"...

:confused1: REALLY?!?!........

She then goes on Facebook and says "people are soo stupid and only care about themselves".......spoken by someone who only cares about herself.

Honestly how do you handle relationships once you change as does your weight?

I have realized my relationship has changed with a lot of people. It has made me closer to a few, but has also cause issues with others. I realized WLS isn't just a change physically. It really does change EVERYTHING about you.

Thank you for listening.

[thinoneday 445]

Thinoneday, I can relate. My mom engraved in our brain since we were little that there were not such things as friends and the only people you have are family. But, to be honest, I have some really great friends (I can count them all in one hand) and shitty family. My mom engraving this into my head made me have serious trust issues with everyone and that really did me wrong. In order to make a friend, you need to be a friend. Having said that, you also need to know when that person is really not what you need. We can have tons of acquaintances and they come a dime a dozen but real friends are few and far between.

Longevity doesn't make a good friendship -- I have known some acquaintances since grade school but that is all they will ever be for me. It just took some time to realize the difference between a real friend and an acquaintance!

Wow, thank you for understanding that. . it makes a heck of a difference when someone else has "been there, done that" :thumbup:

[BlackBerryJuice 349]

This has nothing to do with WLS, but give me permission to vent here, as well. I've shed my share of toxic friends in the past. Just recently I stopped talking to a former friend of mine after noticing that pattern of always taking and never giving anything back and generally extremely immature behaviour. For example, she would always complain that I wouldn't come out to her town to see her, when I live 2 hours away and am very busy with school during the year, and she's a stay-at-home mom. Then the one time I was able to find some time to come visit her, she suddenly stopped returning my calls, and, later I realized, was actually screening my calls. I asked a mutual friend to call her and she picked up, but she didn't answer my call 5 minutes earlier. So naturally, I never went to see her. Then a week later she had our mutual friend (!) call me and give me some BS story about how she was busy. She couldn't even be bothered to call herself!

I took an inventory of all things, such as the fact that it was ALWAYS me who had to take the time and gas money to come down and see her; it was ALWAYS me who offered to pay (and paid) for our meals out when I came out to visit, even though I'm a student living off of loans; the fact that, again, despite being a student, I spent a good $100 on gifts for her baby; and the fact that all she ever did was whine and act like a 12-year-old - and I stopped talking to her. Sometimes I felt bad, though, knowing she's stuck at home alone - she doesn't have anybody other than her boyfriend in that town.

The other day, our mutual friend had a birthday, so I went to his Facebook to wish him a happy birthday. The posting right below mine was from my ex-friend saying something along the lines of "Happy birthday! So excited to see you this winter! It will be so nice to hang out without THAT BITCH!"

Will be nice to see who pays for the outings now that "THAT BITCH" is out of the equation! Some people are genuinely immature, mean, and toxic.

[Jane_J 117]

Pooey, she sounds really horrible. Her loss and your gain. She will be well d*ssed off when you get thin too, LOL. I would rub her nose in it when you get to that point, nasty I know but hey, we're only human.

Jane x