Problems with death

[Jane_J 117]

Hi all, I don't know if any of this is appropriate but I am struggling with the whole death subject. My Mum died badly from cancer in '89, and my best friend died from cancer in '91 and another friend has has died badly. Basically I cannot see any rational reason to struggle on to the end apart from family/religious pressure. Our friend had requested a one way trip to Switzerland (Dignatas) but his wife said no. She is now having to deal with the reality of his death which was really bad, I cannot do the details but it was as bad as it gets. She feels like shit and did not expect what actually happened.

Basically I feel now after a small scare that there is no way I would go through that. I would take the what you would do for a suffering animal option. What do you all think, only based on actual experience of really seeing what happens please?

Jane x

[Donna4545 13]

I have been devastated by both sudden unexpected death, and long, drawn, out suffering death. In the latter case, I think it would have been more humane to let the person slip away in a cloud of morphine than to have to suffer terribly every day until the end. I'm talking about my grandmother, who was basically, though she could not speak, begging us to let her die--refusing to take food, pleading with her eyes, it was heartbreaking. If I could have ended her suffering, I would have, with no guilty conscience.

[Jane_J 117]

Hi Donna, I do sympathise with you. It's something we don't usually see as our modern societies are so sanitised. I don't think anyone should have an opinion about end of life issues until they have had to see the terrible struggle that often occurs. After all we are programmed to stay alive so often the life is literally ripped from us at the end.

I am sorry to be so morbid everyone, it's just the recent events brought back so many memories that I had buried and I figured that you all would be the kind of people who would understand. Just had to vent but am OK now.

Jane x

[breezy 8]

I was a hospice respite volunteer for 5 years and have lost a brother to cancer. I can speak from experience. We believe the nurses gave my brother an overdose of morphine at the end. All the family was there and it was the right time to let him go.

You're not being morbid. Death is a part of life. But for many reasons, the western approach to death is one of prolonging life with any means possible.

It is my belief that it is healthier to discuss this than to try to pretend death doesn't exist. Thanks for posting so honestly. I respect you for that.

[kbl 3]

i have been a nurse for 22 years working most of my career in the ICU..... i have seen hundreds of deaths. form the most horrific to peaceful. most of the horrific deaths had to do with the family insisting on having everything done and not letting their loved ones go. in modern medicine we have created many ways to poke and prod our patients to eek out a day....week... month. there are those rare occasions when you see someone come back from death's door to live a productive life. it is that hope that keep families and patients continue with all the medical interventions. most continue to fail and eventually die. it is a hard!!! so the most important thing we can do for ourselves is decide now how we want to face these life and death decisions. once a decision is made then appoint someone who will honor our decision when we are not able. sometimes a spouse is not able to do this. in the usa we have a legal document, medical POA, when this is filled out then the person you choose can honor your wishes. with all that said..... death is hard in any circumstance. sorry jane that you are dealing with old issues related to death. i do understand the lose of family and friends from cancer. i also lost my grandfather to cancer when i was a young child and as an adult lost my best friend to ovarian cancer. so i will be thinking about you today! kelly

[Bornagainbabe 4]

Hi Jane,

I haven't lost anyone to cancer although my Dad died two years ago from a nasty lung disease (not smoking related) and I believe that most doctors will put a patient out of their suffering as legally (broadly speaking) and without fuss as they can get away with. My best friend is a cancer nurse and whilst she hasn't divulged any details to me I am convinced that most patients in the last stages are put out of their misery in a perfectly humanely way. I am convinced that euthanasia is practised in this country but not broadcast. I would, however, opt to go to Dignitas in Switzerland if I was diagnosed with a terminal or debilitating disease and have made that quite clear to my husband. I'm also an atheist.

[Jane_J 117]

Hi All,

Breezy and Kelly, I am so glad that people like you are in the world. I truly respect what you do, I am not strong enough to deal with these issues. As my grandmother used to say my bladder is too close to my eyeballs. I am really heartened by all your replies and bless you all, Godwise or Athiestwise. I am just setting up a cancer research donate page for our friend based on the one I did for my Dad last month. I hope this is the last one for a good long while.

Much love Jane x

[Lisalu 89]

Jane,

my mom died of cancer 15 years ago. It was not pretty. Hospice workers were wonderful. My mom wanted to refuse the tube feedings and they agreed. This would have hastened her death. Unfortunately, my mentally ill (diagnosed) brother threatened to sue them so her life was prolonged in a pitiful fashion.

I don't think you are morbid. We all hope for a dignified death when our time comes.

[Jane_J 117]

Lisa, I sympathise with you, this must have been horrible for all.

Jane x