Changes in friends

[KathyM 14]

I have a friend who is also overweight, and we started looking into WLS together. At one point we talked about what we would do if one of us could do it and the other couldn't and we promised that we would continue to be supportive of each other no matter what. Well as it turned out, both of our insurances denied anything to do with the treatment of obesity. I was able to get a loan and have my surgery done in Mexico. My friend wasn't. Understandibly she was disappointed, but when she found out I was going she just kind of disappeared off the radar for a while. For her birthday, I bought tickets for a Muder Mystery dinner, it was night before last and it was the first "public eating" for me since my surgery 2 weeks ago. I am on the soft/mushy stage and was extremely anxious about what they would be serving. It turned out that it was a buffet - salad, scalloped potatoes, green Beans and BBQ brisket or a grilled chicken breast. When we were standing in line, I mentioned something about feeling anxious about other people at our table noticing that I wasn't eating much. She said "boy this thing is really messing with your head, isn't it?" I didn't answer, I felt kind of hurt that she said that to me, but I know she is still feeling bad that she didn't get to have the surgery like she wanted to.

At any rate, I took a small spoonful of potatoes, a small spoonful of green Beans and a chicken breast. I ate a little of the potatoes and a few of the green beans, then cut up the chicken and sort of pushed everything around on my plate. It was kind of a small victory for me that I didn't overdo it, and I was perfectly content all night. I am looking forward to when these social situations that involve eating get a little easier.

I have been stuck on the same wt for about 3 days and wonder if I am doing something wrong or eating too much but then when I am tracking my calories, which right now are usually between300-400/day I know that I have to be doing ok. I think the old feelings of failing again creep in at times. I started at 291 postop and am now at 270, I haven't been in the 260's for YEARS and for some reason that 270 is holding on for dear life! :001_tongue: lol

My friend and I have been best buds since high school more than 20 years ago. I hope this won't be a detriment to our friendship.

Just venting - thanks for listening

Kathy

[BlackBerryJuice 349]

That sucks, but I understand where she's coming from. I think her falling off the radar for a while could've actually been intentional on her part and a smart move - she probably realized she was feeling resentful and didn't want those feelings to sour your friendship. So maybe it was a good thing, actually. It must be hard for her having to drop out at the last minute due to circumstances beyond her control and then watching you succeed thinking "it could've been me." Have you talked to her about the surgery since? Maybe she needs more encouragement to try and find some funds for it - downgrade the car or take a part-time job on the weekends, if loans aren't an option? You could be supportive of her in those endeavours so you can help make WLS happen for her soon.

[Mary Gordon 3]

things shouldn't change if you are real and true friends.....goodluck!!!:scared0:

[wannalise 15]

I'm so sorry. My two best friends and I have been trying for years to lose weight to no avail. (that really isn't the only thing we have in common) one of my friends is getting the sleeve in 10 days, but my third friend can't afford it. We are very open and honest with each other and she says that it does make her sad and jealous. Maybe just some loving honesty is the way to go. I know that if I were on the flip side and wasn't able to get surgery but my friends were it would break my heart. And as two fat friends it is a bond and connection that no one else can understand. I'm so sorry.

[Donna4545 13]

It sounds like a thoughtless comment, but not an intentionally mean one. I think she just doesn't understand what you're going through. Maybe she won't be someone that you can share that part of your life with. See what happens if you hang out and focus on other things. It's a disappointment, sure, but people have their limitations, and aren't always as mature as we'd like them to be.

[christina@MIA 12]

Kathy I'm sorry you are down. I have found myself trying not to talk about my up coming VSG with friends and family in the past few days for two reasons 1. I don't like their neg. comments and 2. I think they are sick of hearing me. I just want to let you know I enjoy reading your post. You lift my sprits up. I follow your post to see your progress because I am going to use the same Dr. you used. I hope everything works out with your friend. And I think you are doing great with your weight loss!

[KathyM 14]

Don't get me wrong, I know that she didn't intentionally mean to hurt my feelings and I actually feel guilty at times that I could do this and she couldn't. We have discussed several options for her to be able to do this as well and I have told her that when the time comes where she can do it, I will go with her. I am a little unsure how much to share with her because there would be nothing worse than me just jabbering around about my wt loss when she continues the same old struggle. I am going to try hard to be as supportive as I can.

[mellifrits 25]

I am so sorry that you have to deal with that. I’m sure your friend doesn't mean to hurt you but friends are the ones that can hurt us the most. I’m sure it will just take her some time to get over her hurt. It sounds like to me she is hurt about her not being able to get the WLS and is focusing her hurt on to you instead of what she is really upset about. I haven't told anyone really that I had the WLS. They just think I am losing weight due to not eating crabs (which is true in a way).

My sister warned me before I had WLS that some people wouldn't know how to handle my weight loss and that I might not know how to handle guys seeing my weight loss. I was gone for two weeks so that I wouldn't have to tell that many people about the WLS and so I could recover away from the three young boys I watch. When I got back I hung out with one of my new friends here in GA that just had a baby (BTW she is beautiful just doesn't see it). She told me she was trying to be happy for me and losing weight but she was jealous. I am hoping she will work though her issues. I have tried calling to see if she wants to hang out again but for the past week or two she has just kept blowing me off. I understand that I have always been the bigger friend but is that really the only reason they kept me around?

[Miss Lili 0]

I am so sad to read about these things. I too am nervous about one of my closest friends, who is also overweight. I already have the feeling that I can't talk about the surgery as much as I would like to with her. She was supportive at first, but now makes a point of mentioning how fine and comfortable and accepting of her weight everytime she sees me.

I am really worried about this. We have been friends for over 15 years, and yes, part of our bond is that we are the two, cool, outgoing fat chicks.

I am finding my non-overweight friends are really excited for me, and are always asking lots of questions... seem more interested than she is.

Hopefully it will blow over.

I am about 6 weeks from the big day, and I find myself being very reflective, and digging deep down inside me, wondering how much of my personality is due to my size. My constant need to please everyone certainly comes from wanting to be accepted..and although I have/am living a great life, and my weight has never stopped me from making the most out of life... I guess subconciously, it did play a role at making me who I am.

Will I change?

Time will tell..

hang in there guys! and thanks for listening!

[sleeve 4 me 910]

Please don't feel guilty about getting the sleeve! I feel bad for her, BUT she should be HAPPY for you and want the BEST for you and not make you feel uncomfortable. What if it was the other way around? I'm sure you would feel bad that you couldn't get the loan but I'm sure you would be happy for her...If I were in your shoes I would probably not talk about it around her unless she brings it up. Hopefully she will come to her senses and Celebrate with you :-) and if it's meant to be, her time will come.

[BlackBerryJuice 349]

I am a little unsure how much to share with her because there would be nothing worse than me just jabbering around about my wt loss when she continues the same old struggle. I am going to try hard to be as supportive as I can.

I think you're very thoughtful!

[JudyM 2]

A friend of mine had her sleeve done about 16 months before me, and as her weight dropped off, it made me more determined to get mine done - she was my inspiration!

She will be fine, she probably felt a little guilty that she could help herself to a Big Girl's dinner at the buffet!

[Dansha 16]

I think it is entirely normal and a little bit to be expected that your friend might be envious of you. It doesn't mean she isn't happy for you too. She is sad it isn't her yet. She will get over it and everything will be just fine.

Deb

[Lori21769 14]

I think you should refrain from talking about your surgery to your friend. It is obvious that she can't deal with her disappointment right now, and she is probably trying to rationalize that maybe she shouldn't have the surgery- by saying things like "it is really messing with your head."

Continue to be her loving friend, but let HER drive any conversations about your weight loss/surgery.

I equate her reaction to someone that is starving having to watch others eat. There has to be all kinds of emotions going on inside her that she is struggling with.

Rejoice in yourself.

[citizenwill 7]

Hi Kathy,

I've been following your posts closely because you came on board about 1 month after I did. I didn't feel like the noob anymore. :cursing:

I can't touch on your friend situation but at 2 weeks I also hit a stall. I knew about the 3 week stall but it happened at 2 for me. I thought I would be the one that failed to loose weight.

I had tried for years to get past the 220's and wasn't able too. Sounds a lot like your 270's. A few days later I beat the 220's and am now looking forward to breaking the 200's.

I realized I needed to stop thinking about as another diet those old thoughts are sneaky and hard to get over. Start thinking like the thin person that you are now and don't beat yourself up.

Hope it helps.

Will