I feel like a weight's been lifted off of my shoulders since I booked

[BlackBerryJuice 349]

OK, I don't know if it's just me...but ever since I booked the surgery, my feelings of self-hate and misery over being fat seem to have vaporized. I remember when I started putting on weight again in the spring, after losing 50 lbs and getting down to size 10, I felt such intense anger and frustration at myself for every extra pound. Then those feelings seemed to perpetrate every other aspect of my life - I had no desire to study, was curt with everyone, didn't want to participate in any activities I normally enjoy, nothing.

Then I book the surgery and all of sudden I feel completely at peace saying things like "I'm fat" or "Size 16 is awful tight right now, can I have an 18?" or piling on 2 Entrees on my cafeteria tray while everyone's STARING without blinking an eye. I just ate an entire box of Milano Cookies and couldn't give less of a damn, whereas before, I would've rushed to the gym and/or hated myself all day for doing that.

Don't get me wrong, I know I will like myself more after the surgery, and I definitely want to have an easier time walking up the stairs or running, but it seems like I'm the closest I've ever been to that elusive "fat acceptance." Isn't it funny, I'm less than 2 weeks away from weight-loss surgery and I've finally experienced "fat acceptance" that you hear so much about on the blogs?

Am I the only one?

[Donna4545 13]

That's not really fat acceptance. You are actually punishing yourself by trying to make yourself fatter (2 Entrees? Why? Because it's "ok to be fat"?). It's self destructive to try to make yourself fatter. To accept yourself the way you are, imperfect, and resolve to solve the problems is fat acceptance. Making the imperfections bigger isn't. I don't mean to sound insulting or anything, but you might benefit from seeing a psych who specializes with bariatric patients. Getting a surgery date doesn't mean giving yourself permission to eat irresponsibly. That's just unhealthy. I sincerely hope that you find some way out of this kind of thinking. And I know I'm not perfect, and I'm really not trying to get condescending so please don't take it like that. It's just that what you wrote really concerned me.

[BlackBerryJuice 349]

OK, I think you totally misunderstood me. I think you got the impression that I'm here on some sort of eating barrage where I stuff myself silly in an effort to mentally and physically kill myself. I don't eat 2 entrees because I want to "self-destruct," I eat 2 entrees because that's what it takes for me to feel FULL. If I eat one, I'm hungry 1.5-2 hours later (they are not very big entrees, for the record; I'm talking about having a chicken burger AND a cup of mac and cheese, not Cheesecake Cafe-style portions). This post wasn't about me having 2 entrees because I hate myself and have given up on myself, it's about the fact that I am finally able to make peace with how much food my body needs right now and that I don't starve myself anymore only to horribly binge after. And that I no longer feel any sort of shame that society expects us, as fat people, to have about ourselves, our eating habits, etc. E.g. "OMG, look at that fat pig having a DESSERT with her meal, doesn't she know eating makes you FAT? She should try to EAT LESS, that fat ass."

As an example, I played truth or lie with my class the other day and I said I used to have a career as a competitive athlete. EVERYBODY thought it was a lie, because obviously a FAT person (e.g. me) could never be involved in any sort of sports, as far as most people are concerned. For the record, I did have a competitive athletic career, even though I was in the "overweight" BMI range at the time. But it's a perfect example of the constant prejudice around us.

I just wanted to say that I can actually have as much food as I want without feeling like I'm a second-rate citizen. And for the first time in my life, I don't feel ashamed stating my clothing size, etc. Which contrasts sharply with 10 years ago where I thought I couldn't leave the house because I was a *gasp* size 10.

[Donna4545 13]

The part about eating all the Cookies was a red flag, too. But I think I understand now. I was just afraid you were going to go on some kind of feeding frenzy because you knew you were going to have surgery anyway-people do it! I'm glad you're ok and you feel good about yourself. Fat acceptance is really about accepting reality and not letting the outside world drive you crazy with their judgments. I've always felt acceptance like that, I think I would have gone nuts if I didn't. Good luck on your surgery!