WLS or relationship :( I may have to choose

[Lillie24 2]

Speaking from experience, you have to have a solid support group around you after surgery. You will be emotional and things will be difficult at first. Putting that aside, if I had a boyfriend that didn't try to understand me and support a very meaningful and important decision like this then I would have to really ask myself why I was in the relationship. I was in a relationship for 10 years and decided one day that I was worth way more then he could ever give me. I think you should reflect on this more and really think about this. If you don't do the surgery you will blame him for it for years. What if yall break up? Then you will think that you wasted time that you could have been doing something for yourself.

[Donna4545 13]

It's not enough that he doesn't abuse you like an addict would. Listen to him. Listen carefully. He. Doesn't. Care. About. What. Makes. You. Happy. You deserve better. Read a little bit about codependency and see if it rings any bells with you--hanging onto a relationship which will have no future is no good. As scary as it is, move back home if you can and start over. The good news is that you recognize your own needs, but the bad thing is that you're not taking yourself seriously enough. You need support, your significant other won't give it--game over. Recognize it and move on.

I was with an addict myself, and then with a "at least he's not overtly offensive" guy--but when he makes it clear that he doesn't think enough about you to support your decision, he IS offensive. It's just harder to see. My one regret in life is that I wasted so much valuable time with guys that didn't care about me when it came down to it.

[AnonFemale 0]

Thank you everyone. If I replied to everyone's response I would be here all day. But needless to say, it means a lot to me. Every single reply rang true just now.

I hope I can find the strength to do the right thing. xx

[SParkle 4]

Thank you everyone. If I replied to everyone's response I would be here all day. But needless to say, it means a lot to me. Every single reply rang true just now.

I hope I can find the strength to do the right thing. xx

I just wanted to add that you've had some great support here, more than it sounds like you're getting with your bf.

Trust me - you know when you find the right person that you can't live without. From the sound of it, you've not met him yet... he is out there, someone to love and cherish you as YOU....someone to accept you for who you are large or small, to share your life with for the good times and the bad/emotional ones......

I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my Prince, and boy, was he wort the wait!

Good luck.

[breezy 8]

I've read through the replies and I agree that moving in with your parents during the recovery period is a good idea. It will be much better for you to have someone who supports you and takes care of you for a little while.

I also agree with the replies that suggest your BF is not the one for you. But I have to salute you for your courage in being so honest about things. I understand the ex scenario and why this BF looks SO GOOD in comparison. You must be getting healthier mentally to have chosen a better guy than the last one.

I think you need to have a heart to heart with your BF. If he is not able to do that with you, you are with the wrong guy. Don't waste your young years on trying to make a relationship work. Let go and learn to love yourself. You WILL find the right guy as you learn to be true to yourself. The others are right, the right guy will love you and support you, no matter what! You deserve to find that.

[clk 3,519]

You've had some great advice here, even if it's hard to read or you don't like some of what you're hearing.

It's hard to admit you have a relationship problem, especially in a public forum. You deserve a pat of the back for reaching out and asking for help in the first place.

Everyone else gave you advice that I pretty much agree with - but I wanted to add one more thing.

When we want a relationship, or we suffer low esteem, or we just don't want to be alone, we tend to settle.

It seems impossible to believe it now, because you haven't met your partner in life yet, but when you do, these issues simply aren't there.

If you felt he was going to love you unconditionally and support you, you wouldn't hide things from him. If he was going to love you unconditionally and support you he would at least try to understand your decision.

I've been through more than my share of bad relationships, so I can relate to settling for what's there instead of waiting for something better.

But I'm sure every single happily married woman on here (myself included) will tell you the same thing - the right guy is the right guy. There's no forcing an "almost perfect" relationship to keep it together, no hiding problems and no gaps in the love and support you receive. Oh, sometimes they need a smack in the head to get their act together (they are men, after all), but they're always on board because they LOVE you the way you're supposed to be loved. The right relationship is almost effortless and you both fall together in the same path with no real bumps in the road.

To me, even without the surgery issues it seems like you're trying to force a relationship by compromising yourself to make things fit better.

It won't work. It can't work and make you both happy. Why settle for less?

Best of luck to you. Have the sleeve, extend your life and be happy with the way you look. Someone out there is far better for you, I'm sure of it.

~Cheri

[Stacy160 201]

I found myself nodding my head at EVERY SINGLE COMMENT above, so I won't repeat any of them... but they're all dead-on.

The only think I'll add is this: If you let this so-so guy, who appears to be the lesser of two evils rather than the amazing, loving, supportive partner that you and everyone else deserves, stop you from doing this for yourself, your future, and your life, then three things are going to happen.

1. He will understand that he has an enormous degree of control over you and will probably begin to try and exert it more in other areas of your life,

2. You will continue to gain weight until you're having health problems, and I know you already know what you're at risk for since you've been researching this,

3. You will resent him every day for the rest of the time you're with him, and blame him for being unhappy and physically miserable. You'll still leave him eventually, but how much more time will you have lost in the meantime?

SOOOOOO... the option you're left with is to take control of your own life, and if that means that Mr. Not-So-Wonderful is out of the picture, well then there are some very good reasons for that. Change is hard--especially when it's such a big change as someone not being part of your life anymore, and even when you know that it's a GOOD change, it's scary.

Who knows... maybe once he sees you being so much more active, healthy, and happy, he'll jump on board and realize what a wonderful thing you've done! Unfortunately, while WLS seems to make good relationships even better, it also seems to bring out the worst in bad relationships as well. So I guess the ultimate question you need to answer is: Are you willing to keep not living your life and settle on this guy?

Tough love baby, that's what we're all about. :svengo: I do hope you go through with the surgery, it is truly life-changing. Please keep us updated on your progress and good luck with everything!!

[a.walker 2]

I just wanted to nod along with the rest of the posts. If, after a surgical procedure, you have to worry that your loved one is going to put you down when you're in pain, that's not a healthy relationship. Even though it's not what my sister wanted for me, she called and was concerned about me, not once saying anything about how she told me so. I think a partner should be even more supportive than a sibling, and I'm just saddened that a partner would act like that. I am glad you came here to get support for a decision that you probably already know is the right one. I'm also glad you have parents who you can stay with and get support. Good luck!

[Donna4545 13]

AnonFemale-

I hope you keep coming back and let us know how you're feeling (even if you don't want to share your relationship status)--you have a lot of support here. I think everyone here is really rooting for you to come through this and have a happy life.

[schaf921 0]

a guy's prespective - if you are worried he wont support you or leave you, then he isnt worth it!!!! If you want to be happy, then you should be with someone that you TRUST!! So you need to either get to that point with him which means you need to be independent and move forward with what you want or find someone else. You are guaranteed to have your weight issues for the rest of your life so if you can help that now - do it!!!

[AnonFemale 0]

You guys are amazing.

I'm in tears, but not because you've been tough with me, but because I can't believe so many people care enough to take the time to reply.

I am going to have a proper chat with my bf about the fact that I don't feel he understands me, and that I don't feel I can be myself around him. I will say that I am having this surgery no matter what he thinks, and he can either get used to the idea and choose to support me entirely, or I will move on.

Going to speak to my parents about staying with them for a couple of weeks after surgery soon too.

It is so good to hear things from an outsider's perspective. I honestly can't thank you all enough. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

P.S. Sorry for gushing! xxxxx

[cukiemunstr 2]

I just wanted to add something else. I grew with both parents being addicts. It REALLY screws with your self worth. Being in any kind of relationship with an addict becomes about them and their addiction. Now that you are in a relationship with someone who isn't an addict, it feels like a great thing. But, the part of you is reaching out to us is screaming "I am worth more than this, I deserve better!" and you do. You just have to convince yourself that you do.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

You guys are amazing.

I'm in tears, but not because you've been tough with me, but because I can't believe so many people care enough to take the time to reply.

I am going to have a proper chat with my bf about the fact that I don't feel he understands me, and that I don't feel I can be myself around him. I will say that I am having this surgery no matter what he thinks, and he can either get used to the idea and choose to support me entirely, or I will move on.

Going to speak to my parents about staying with them for a couple of weeks after surgery soon too.

It is so good to hear things from an outsider's perspective. I honestly can't thank you all enough. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

P.S. Sorry for gushing! xxxxx

Good for you! All the best and remember, you are the only person who can see out of your eyes. Therefore you are the only person who is allowed to make decisions for you.

Blessings!

[ImReady 0]

Just one thing I wanted to add

My husband and I recently got back together after being divorced for two years. One thing I had to learn was to let go of the way I "knew" he would react to something. Sometimes we project our feelings about ourselves onto our loved ones and so if we feel "disgusted" by something we are doing we "know" that they will be too. I don't know your situation so maybe this doesn't fit, but in my case, I had to let him close enough to show me that he can respond differently than the way I "knew" he would.

I suggest you have the heart to heart and see what happens. You never know, maybe he will surprise you. By the way, my husband had the same attitude as you bf before I took him to the seminar. Now he is 100% behind me, just worried about me and the cost, adn that I will get too skinny.

Good luck in making some hard decisions.

[brittu 42]

You know, the beauty of dating is that it's like test driving a car. You can see if it fits you and if it doesn't you drive it back to the showroom and try something else out. I've been married for 20 years. Marriage isn't easy under the best of circumstances but it's best when the person "gets' you and, honestly, you'll know when it happens.

Of all the relationships I've watched fail over the years I'd say the number 1 reason is marrying the wrong person in the first place. I've had so many friends tell me later they knew it in their gut but went ahead. The guy was better than what they'd had before or they were afraid they'd never find someone. But it's just so much easier to walk away before you're married than after. You wouldn't drive off the lot with a car that wasn't what you really wanted, so it's worth considering whether you ought to be with someone if you're not sure they're right for you either.