Good Times, Bad Times - Anyone Else Have Mixed Feelings?

[NewSho 20]

Wow, who would have thought?

Sometimes my life is like the classic Led Zeppelin rock song:

"Good Times, Bad Times

You know I've had my share..."

Good Times:

Me, Master Sale Shopper Extraordinaire, saw the cutest 2-pc bikini swimsuit on clearance.

It's a great brand, they usually sell in the $70-$85 range at full retail, but I saw it on a clearance rack for... $5.

For both pieces. Brand New With Tags, as they say. (I'm attaching a picture of a similar swimsuit, same brand & color )

Of course I thought it'd never fit. I usually don't buy "wishful thinking" clothing but at $5 I thought I should get it, figuring it would fit someday. Well I finally tried it on and the darn thing actually fit.

This is a major non-scale victory for me, a girl who's been overweight most of her adult life. Of course, it will look better in a few weeks - I have post-surgery swelling and Fluid retention from my gynecological/plastic surgery procedure less than 2 weeks ago. I didn't look bad at all (and if I had my New Perkier Boobs that I plan on getting one day soon, it would look even better!) and later this summer, I'd love to be able to wear it proudly.

Bad Times:

So the bad part: it's how my LapBand Scars show. Since my Tummy Tuck, my LapBand scars are lower on my abdomen - they are now front and center just over my new 'faux' belly button. No matter how much Scar Therapy I do on them, I don't think they'll fade completely away. I think the scars are too prominent to wear the 2-pc suit. How nice it would have been to actually wear a 'cute girl' swimsuit for once.

So I never thought I could wear a two-piece, but how ironic that the procedure that helped me fit into the swimsuit - is the reason I probably shouldn't ever wear it.

~ Has anyone else ever had mixed feelings about a Non-Scale Victory like this? ~

Happy Band (And Life) Journeys To All...

[NewSho 20]

Oh, here's the pic. It's very similar to this - same brand and color, just with more solid black than print.

Happy Band (And Life) Journeys To All...

[kabeerah 0]

Put a fake/temp tatoo over it.

[K@t 38]

I haven't had an experience like this yet, but who knows! The swim suit is cute and I'm sure the scars aren't so noticable that you cant wear it! you can always do what kabeerah suggested. Loads of people use temp tats in the summer, it would look cute :girl_hug:

[Iluvharleys 15]

My scars have faded so much you can't even see them anymore. I am sure yours will too in time!:biggrin1:

[PhotoNut 7]

OOooo! I love the cut of that suit!

Have you tanned at all? Hmm..

Hippos Hope puts cocoa butter on her incisions. She's only been banded a month and I can hardly see her scars already! Maybe that would help?

You know what. My mom always says, "They'll never notice it on a flying horse!" Meaning, people will be so busy being awestruck by a horse that flys, they wouldn't notice any other details. I'm betting you'll look so awesome on that suit, that noone will even notice the scars!

Maybe you are just more sensative about them than others will be. How about an adorable belly ring?

[NeenBand 7]

Saw the title and immediately had the Zep song in my head.

I love me some Led Zeppelin

[PhotoNut 7]

I love me some Led Zeppelin

OOoo.. me too. But it could use more cowbell. :girl_hug:

[NeenBand 7]

LOL!!!

I have a clip of someone doing a great Walken impersonation. I'll have to pist it in my weird links

[Nykee 13]

I been paranoid about complaining.. but if I dont make the thread, it doesnt count.. lol

A note about whining... I have a ton of possitive stiff I could write about.... but, its the crappy stuff that I feel compelled to write about because I am working through it, I am figuring stuff out, I am LETTING IT all out, ..... I think it helps me. I am sorry if anyone feels cruddy over it.

This is not how I feel all the time or in total...

BUT feel free to say anything you want to me... I am not looking for attention, but I welcome it. Dont ever feel like you have to hold back. I hate to think of that happeneing.. anyway.

.................

Dont mind the highlighting, i did that for my notes... sorry.

BAD times.

I have lost about 100 pounds. I have alot of mixed emotions.

I am not myself. I didnt exspect myself to change mentally as much as I have. (I wont go into all of that now)

I have this crappy mood. I KNOW I have lost 100 pounds and thats a good thing, and I should be celebrating and trying my new bod out....

But, instead...

I have stopped dating. (I had a blast, BTW. I am single, and happily)

I have stopped going out. ( I am down 95% of my normal outside time)

I have stopped trying to look nice. (I wear my old pants, so baggy they fall off, that used to be something I would never tolerate, now I dont care)

I hate my body. (and I thought I hated it before!)

I feel discusting. It was just fat, now its nasty blobing deformation.

I dont like my picture taken like I did when I first got the band.

I dont even get naked in front of my kids anymore. (tub, changing, ect..and thats crazy cuz I WOULD never have self consciousness with my children in the normal frame of mind as I see it as real real low..

IT is NOT cuz I cant handle all the new things.... blah blah

I have not experienced anything yet. I hide in my old clothes. I dont talk about my process much at all (embarrassed how slow I am loosing due to all the complications and $ troubles) I Dont want to say "I lost 100 pounds" and have so little to show for it.

Its simply cuz I feel I look discustingly ugly.... I feel worse now about my looks than I did before I lost the weight. Plus I am dissapointed too.

Plus I am worried about what will happen to my mood when I loose the next 100 pounds.. (making me a 200 pound fatso)

I got used to my body. It was 400 pounds and It wasnt pretty. I did not look good by any means. BUT I was used to my body and I had accepted it and did the best I could with it. I was extremely self conscious, constantly 'fixing' myself. (But I hid it, lol)

The things I had to worry about were:

My skin was very white and streachmarks everywhere, I think I might have let the fattness go,l but the white streachmarks were really bad. I could not tan (didnt work) and self tanning stank and make me sweat. I didnt go fully naked ever. I had things to cover me up, just as much as needed.

It took alot to show my legs, only to good frineds cuz they were very blobby, huge blobs... I wore capris that just hid the bloobs, always worried about them riding up. My ankles were normal thank goodness.

My upper arms are deformed. They always have been the worst thing that happened to me with my weight gain. One of them has this ridge thats seriously abnormal, and sleeves never fit. I am poor, or else I would never wear anything but long or 3/4 sleeves... But I had to make the best of it, It was a constant thing worrying about if my arm fat was hanging out in a gross way. I mean there are certain levels of FATTNESS that should be contained! It was my duty to the world. GAWD MY upper arms have tortured me for so long.. My lower arms are normal as can be, (making them look even weirder!)

My back, butt, fathump... So I dont have a butt, my actual buttcheeks are the size of the palm of my hands. I have what we call the 'fat hump'.. its a hump above my butt below my back, that HURTS like heck to be touched.. and I have the extra set of boobs on my back, literally big Double D boobies... Its all I can do to keep my bra strap covering them so they are as little as possible, it rides up unable to contain the boobies in back, but that didnt stop me from adjusting myself every five minutes, my back boobs so embarrassing. I hide them at all cost on important occassions.. other times, I HAVE always been shocked, never got used to how I looked when I caught my reflection sitting, By back as big as by front..

Double chin, when I went from 350 pounds to 400 pounds, THAT was a real noticeable change, no matter what I did, I could not hide it... It was too much, my face engorged all the time.. It really bothered me, alot.

ok........ all that stuff, I got used to. Yeah, I hated it, obsessed over it, but It wasnt a big deal.. I call it FATTIE maintenence, its just what I did.. I didnt seem like a big ordeal at all..

ITS NOT that I want that body back.!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS not that I want to be 400 pounds instead of 300 pounds.. I DONT. I would never want to go back, NOT at all..

This is my body now, and I am NOT used to it.. I dont know what to do with it... but hate. It was surpose to be great. I HAVE LOST 100 pounds, HELLO.. I never thought it would happen, I dreamed of it for so long.. (I do have lots of possitives, but I am not in that place rightnow)

...My skin is still white and streachmarked.. But it is also, brown in spots, puckered, wrinkled, pock marked, blotchy and red pores all over. The pores and pocks and such used to be streached out I guess loooking like my actual skin, now they arent and parts of my body are corroded looking (they are not corroded, nothing could be done about it, its mostly pores from years and years of being clogged and cleaned, just like a face.. YUCK)

This is mostly happening in my thighs and butt area. It all hangs, but not down so much as inward. When i sit, there it all is, my inner things squishing up inbetween my legs.. I have this 'cool' (lol) way of sitting, Its hard to explain..but it was my best way to 'hang out' 'look ok' 'relax'....

And now when i do it, all I do is expose all the blobulating fat in all its glory.. (this makes me LOOK, and feel FATTER.. BTW)

Also, I have this really nice swim dress for the ymca, and it covered me just enough so that I didnt need to wear capris like I always used to...

NOW, I hang below the swim dress.. I can feel it swinging back and forth and giggling all over.. IT looks like a massive vagina (the lips) inbetween my legs.. the swim dress still covers it I HOPE.. I cant enjoy my suit. (plus its too big, lol)

OK, along with all of that... I have folds and creases with their own folds qnd creases.. It started out with one, and I proudly showed it off.. I use cleansing wipes when I go to the bathroom aslways, and it was my little ritual to use to wipe and clean my new blobs crease cuz It needed more cleaning than my regular bathing......

So, NOW.... I cannot afford that many wipes (they are a luxery as it is)

and they smell and a few times now have developed rashes and they make me want to vomit to feel them. I Dont even know where they are all anymore. I have stopped paying attention, I dont look.. I cant imagine anyone touching me with all these creases in the way...

THESE creases and folds make me feel fatter than EVER!

My double chin is still there.. BUt theres something worse than a double chin.. its this droopy look to my face, especially around my cheeks and mouth.. that looks so off.. No one else can notice it, but I'm in the mirror enough to know its wierd looking.. I look older, I think it will get even worse. I STILL want to look like me. Everyone says I would be brittney spears if I was thin.... NOT (I never thought so).. everyone will FINALLY see what I have been saying all along, I AM UGLY! (FAT AND ugly)

MY UPPER ARMS... I dreamed of the days I got some normalcy back in my upper arms, not to have to constantly worry whats hanging out my sleeves. .............. Oooooooooops, i didnt think about how worse it would be to wear sleeves, how all the fat has sagged downward instead of a big bunched up ball... so, I feel worse all the time.. it looks alot worse, it makes me feel fatter! iT MAKES ME look fatter too.

One thing I like is to hold my arms up and let the fat sag to my arm pit (a fold or two here) ONLY then can I look at my arms and happy that the huge bunched up deforemed balls are GONE.. I am glad about that.. I love to giggle my LEDGE thats a slope now...

My back... IS awesome.. ... WOW WOW WOW.. My back boobies have sagged into my sides, under my arms.... My bra easily holds everything in and doesnt ride up and the nightmear of adjusting constantly is over.. I walk by the mirror and look at my backside and think.. WOW, I am Skinny.. lol

If I had one of those support back bra things, I could easily look as if I never had boobies on my back!

The only other time I can think this is looking at my wrists and ankles. They are tiny.. way noticeable..

BUT, there is my stomach... OMG.. of course I never liked my stomach, but this is feeling like a deal breaker.

In its tranformation, It only makes me look and feel fatter than ever. To look at me, or for myself to look down at me... its just a mass of fat all over the place, add my back boobies under my arms, my arms larger than ever, and my inner thighs with no where to go but my lap..

My lower stomach sits on my lap like a foot lower.. I swear it will end up at my knees.. plus it hangs over the sides of my legs too, in all its creases. It feels wrong, parts of my legs I always had access to, are covered in tummy and moist and need releif by lifting my tummy.

One thing I didnt have to do much was lift my tummy, IT doesnt feel right and I have an aversion to it.

I had this really tiny upper stomach that sat just under my boobies and was maybe a couple inches a roll.. my lower tummy held it there.

NOW, it has not only dropped way below my breast line into "tummy area"

but it has seperated into two parts and is traveling to the left.. I do sleep that way, so I guess thats why.. I am totally lopsided gravity not for me..

Oh, the bloobs on my legs.. have gotton smaller.. BUT they are drooping and I can no longer contain them nicely in capri's... THAT make me happy, to manage capri pants.. I dont want that luxery to have to end.

OH.. and damn my boobs.. I have always hated them, always wanted a reduction.. always dreamed of little titties..... I was DD at age 12.

For years they been deflating.. BUT now I cant maintain clevage.... they are wrinkled too.. suddenly I care about boobs! I wish i had appreciated them all those years! Whats a fat chic with out clevage???

................HUmmmmm, is that all.........??

NO... BUt I bet no one has even read this much of my drivil..

Oh well, its for me anyway...

.....

So, thats how and why I Do not feel as good as I had hoped to after loosing 100 pounds..

Also it was a big mistake to think I would be like I was before at 300 pounds.... I was 18 yrs old.......... DUH, it wont be the same..

And YES, I KNEW my body would sag and bag.. I know how people need plastic surgery ecspecially when starting out at 400 pounds.. I thought I was prepared for it.. I ALWAYS said "I will never look good" "I will look hideaous" "I will never be 150 pounds due to flab skin alone"...........

BUT THAT WAS OK, anything is better than being over 200 pounds overweight...

I am surprised at how I feel. I didnt know I was so vain.

I knew I would never look good. I was being realistic I thought.

Being able to get back surgery, and better health is GOOD enough.

I will never have the funds for plastic surgery (unless I marry a guy who has some credit, a morgage?? something..,.. but thats unlikelly)

Imight get my tummy done medically nessesary (I HOPE) (I have the whole rashes thing,, (everytime I get one I take a picture and file it on my computer, I can get rid of it in two days, but I wanna be prepared to show evidence.. Also I am more and more incontinent, I guess from the hanging belly)

and Maybe my legs... I cant imagine the mess if I lose another 100 pounds, it would be medically needed for sure..

I WANT MY ARMS DONE!!! wahhhhh

anyone know of a reason medically necesary for flabby arms.. (back pain??)

and my boobs of course (a dream)

I saw a pic of a butt.. hanging flab after 250 pounds lost, she didnt care to get it done, IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOO GROSS.. and I KNOW it will happen to me.. yuck. NO one will call that needed.

I cant even imagine my Fupa's problems.. god I wish it would just shrink!

I am on goverment medical so its unlikely, but I plan to do medical transcription or a call center after my back surgery.. so MAYBE some kind of insurence will cover it... ?????

I have serious doubts about loosing another 100 pounds anyway....

I have a bad feeling my band is good for this 100 is all...

I hope I am wrong..

I think my whole bad attitude would change for the better AFTER another 100 pounds... I hope..

I just cant trust my self these days... it does NO good to KNOW yourself so well, if your gonna go and change! lol

..........

[rughookergirl 0]

iAM TYPING THIS WIth my left hand as my sweetie is sleeping on my right side...you areamazing to share all this!!! I think you should contact Oprah with your story and see if she could/would help!! what have you got to lose??? She could help with the surgery to reduce the skin and couls also maybr help with some therapy for your feelings..good luck,Debbe:clap2:

[Nykee 13]

thank you

this is my therapy

sharing like this

I know others think this way too (not exactly)

they just arent comfortable saying every little thing that comes up

especially if its not regular

...there is not enough hours in the day for a therapist to help me sort through my feelings...

I do pretty well on my own

But I think the more I think and fell, the more that breeds more thinking and feeling... a vicious cycle..

its fun... in a sick and twisted way....

but it would NOT be fun on Oprah. !!!!

lol

unless it was during her "my favorit things" gift giveaway!

p.s. My friend died yesterday.

I have to keep busy..

Feel free to ignore me..

I took soooooo many valium, I cant sleep..

or cry or let the phone be free (dial up)

[NewSho 20]

Nykee:

We understand; nearly all of us have probably felt some concern about our non-performing bodies. Whether we have to lose 50#, 100# or 200#, skin is an issue.

• If you want a Breast reduction/Lift (mastoplexy) and your breasts are of enough large volume or size, insurance will pay for that, no questions asked. You don't even have to wait on it.
  
• The things you mention about the sweatiness, rashes, irritated skin, etc are ALL medical justification for an Abdominoplasty (we don't say the phrase "Tummy Tuck" to the insurance company, right?" ) to rid you of the excess skin and flab.
  
• Whether or not an insurance policy covers weight loss surgery - no insurer can justify not covering your reconstructive work. It's clear that your skin is (remember this phrase) interfering with your healthy and daily life. That's justification.

Plus, if I were you, I'd get letters from any doctor, chiropractor, or medical professional that treated me. All of your physicians including PCP, OB/Gyn, LapBand surgeon, Urologist, and don't forget your Dermatologist - can be valuable in writing letters to support your need for surgical help to get rid of excess skin and flab.

Heck, in your letters no one has to mention the Lap-Band or Weight Loss Surgery - they can just say you've lost 100# or 150# or 200# or whatever. I think you might qualify for more than an Abdominoplasty, by the way. You might be eligible for a Lower Body Lift which would probably address several issues at one surgical procedure.

With excellent documentation, pictures, and letters - you can get this covered once you're ready. Don't feel like this condition is permanent, Nykee. Insurance may not cover bells and whistles like liposuction (only rarely, you can get that covered as part of a lower body lift) or breast augmentation - but it does cover symptoms like you.

Continued Success.

Happy Band (And Life) Journeys To All...

[NewSho 20]

Hippos Hope puts cocoa butter on her incisions. She's only been banded a month and I can hardly see her scars already! Maybe that would help?<snip>...

Maybe you are just more sensative about them than others will be. How about an adorable belly ring?

Hey PhotoNut,

To explain:

I think my scars are so prominent because I had a LapBand repair surgery in 2005 - so my LapBand doctor (who is surgically excellent) used my then-4-year-old original LapBand scars again to avoid making new incision scars. I'm grateful of this but it's made the scars darker and thicker, than they would be if were only one-time-surgery scars.

So I've actively used various scar treatments on them (and will keep doing so once I heal from this latest round of surgery 2 wks ago) but after 5 years and 2 LapBand surgeries, I think they're here to stay. :girl_hug:

And the suggestion of the Fake Tattoos is a good one, but scar tissue doesn't take tattoos (real or fake) very well, because the skin area is so raised and darkened.

Maybe you are just more sensative about them than others will be. How about an adorable belly ring?

I'm admitted more sensitive and self-conscious about them because they are thicker and darker then most LapBand patients' scars. They are very noticeable.

And yes, I have to get a belly ring just to distract from my (to me) very obvious 'faux' belly button that was created after my Tummy Tuck. To me, it doesn't look quite normal, though my Plastic Surgeon is quite proud of it. So I need a Belly Ring (I'll just get the plainest stud-type I can find, nothing hanging or dangling :phanvan ) to kind of make that area look more normal - and to distract the eye from the man-made BB. Since I don't do body piercing I am going to start with a fake belly ring to see if I can even tolerate the idea of having one.

This suit is really cute, and I wish I could figure out a way to make it work for me.

Happy Band (and Life) Journeys To All...

[bandedmama 0]

I had a tt in March -- I have my own bellye button, but he moved it down and popped it up through a new hole. I also had hoped to be in a 2 piece this summer but he warned that the scars should not be exposed to sun for a full year -- any suit I would wear would cover my TT incision, but the belly button is the issue. Just something to think about or maybe ask your surgeon about!

Only you know how bad your scars really are, but I just saw in a magazine that they make a heavy duty concealer for things like spider veins (things not on your face). They suggested using that for various spots that you didn't like -- maybe something like that would help...? And would it all look better if your skin was tanned? I bet you would be far more conscious of it than other people, who would really be noticing how hot you look & how cute that suit is!! And to know what a bargain it was is even better!!!

Kristin