Dating and dealing with the sleeve...

[youknowit 11]

Hi all. So, as of now, I'm dating someone whom I really like, same for him, we're really just in awe that we hadn't met before and that we did finally meet (we have a LOT of friends and acquaintances in common). However, this isn't about all that, as much as I need some advice on how to deal with my sleeve, eating, etc, while "dating".

From the very first date, this guy noticed that I ate VERY little, and even went so far as to comment about it twice on our first date. Since then, he has "commented" on this repeatedly, even going so far as to say to me in text the other day "you barely eat anything, i don't know how you survive like that..." This was in response to my being out of town and mentioning I was looking for something to eat for dinner, and he threw that little tid-bit on the table. Clearly, this is bothering him... and clearly, this is something I'm having trouble talking about.

As some of you may know, I decided before (and since) to keep my sleeve to just YOU here on VST, one friend and my brother. That's it! Now, I feel confronted by the need to explain to this guy, but I just keep telling the usual tales... "I'm watching what I eat," or "I've been working on losing weight," or "I have a sensitive stomach," etc...

What can/should I do? Am I obligated to tell him upfront (which we've already past) or can I wait, or not tell him at all? My feeling is that it's personal and private, that it isn't hurting him by NOT knowing, and that if/when we are in an established (long-term?) relationship, I will then divulge my situation? I knew this would come up... but honestly, not one single friend, family member or anyone else has even noticed or mentioned my "eating" nor even my 45 lb weightloss... this guy, he's tuned in, he knows something is up... HELP! :tongue_smilie:

[brighteyes0919 1]

This is exactly what I'm afraid will happen to me!!! Being in that awkward situation of whether or not to tell especially because I,too, have decided to only tell a handful of people and that's it!

I personally would give it some more time before I tell him.. like I would need a ring on my finger to feel okay enough to tell him lol Cuz i'd be freaking out that IF i did tell him right now and if things didn't work out afterwards that he would tell people about your surgery AND you guys have so many friends in common that it would totally be out there for everyone to chime in on!

I wish i was more help, but I dont know what I would do either

hope everything works out for you!

[redroses47 1]

Hi youknowit .. interesting situation .. but you have to trust whether or not this person is worth being in your 'inner circle' of this knowledge. Like many others, I decided I would only tell a few people since it's my choice how I handle this and I haven't had any issues so far.

It seems like he is very hung up on your eating habits and you said it's bothering him. Have you asked him why this is such a concern? I realize this could cause an argument since he feels you aren't being completely truthful with him but again, this is your call. If he is pressuring you, is this worth it? If he is worth it, should you tell him?

I guess I am not being that helpful :thumbup: .. but I am typing out loud. Good luck.

[youknowit 11]

This is exactly what I'm afraid will happen to me!!! Being in that awkward situation of whether or not to tell especially because I,too, have decided to only tell a handful of people and that's it!

I personally would give it some more time before I tell him.. like I would need a ring on my finger to feel okay enough to tell him lol Cuz i'd be freaking out that IF i did tell him right now and if things didn't work out afterwards that he would tell people about your surgery AND you guys have so many friends in common that it would totally be out there for everyone to chime in on!

I wish i was more help, but I dont know what I would do either

hope everything works out for you!

Though it's a sticky (no fun) situation, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one... Truthfully, I just really don't feel like I need to be judged by anyone for my choices... Especially by a dude I just started to date! :party4: Really though, I'm private about a lot of things... which many who know me might find funny, because I'm loud and goofy and chatty... but really, am I saying ANYTHING? Not really... I don't spew my business to anyone, even friends... and with all the bullshiz I went through with the band, and the judgmental looks and comments about how it's my fault, getting the band was dumb, etc... I just didn't want to hear it about the sleeve. People who have never had a really problem with eating/weight just don't seem to understand... and of course, or society looking down on us whether we're fat, or do something to combat the fat... then we're lazy. I really don't think this guy will totally trip out about it, I just am not comfortable yet, and so... I'm waiting.

You do you, girlie! We don't have to answer to anyone... or at least no one but ourselves, right? :thumbup:

[youknowit 11]

Hi youknowit .. interesting situation .. but you have to trust whether or not this person is worth being in your 'inner circle' of this knowledge. Like many others, I decided I would only tell a few people since it's my choice how I handle this and I haven't had any issues so far.

It seems like he is very hung up on your eating habits and you said it's bothering him. Have you asked him why this is such a concern? I realize this could cause an argument since he feels you aren't being completely truthful with him but again, this is your call. If he is pressuring you, is this worth it? If he is worth it, should you tell him?

I guess I am not being that helpful :thumbup: .. but I am typing out loud. Good luck.

Typing out loud is good! I really appreciate all perspectives and opinions... I guess where I'm at with this guy is... we haven't been dating long enough for me to "know" where he's at in terms of keeping my business to himself if we were to part ways... I don't think he'd say anything now, while we're dating... but you never know how a person will handle something if you part ways. Ah!

He's not really "pressuring" me per se, he's just observant and I think feels a little weird eating his entire Entrees when we've gone out to dinner, while I order something small, or if I'm lucky we'll be someplace that is "family style" so I can share... he looks at his clean plate, and mine barely touched... and I think he's wondering if I'm one of those "salad girls" who pretends to eat, but has an actual problem... Ugh. Now I'm typing out loud. Boys!? AHHHH!

[ouroborous 519]

Just tell him that you had stomach surgery a while back, and you're under doctor's orders to eat very small portion sizes. That's the truth, and it should get him off your back.

You can assure him that you're perfectly healthy on small portions, given that you're probably eating more frequently, and that you're being careful with your Vitamins and Water. And thank him for his concern :sad0:

[sbingram12 1]

I agree with ouroborous. Tell him you had stomach surgery - he doesn't need to know what kind - and say your doctor told you to watch what/how much you eat.

[youknowit 11]

Thanks to everyone for the great advice and insights. Unfortunately, things did not work out between me and the person in question. However, I will certainly keep all of your comments and advice in mind for future dating situations. Thanks again, all! You're the best! :smile::smile:

[Mel34 11]

Just tell him that you had stomach surgery a while back, and you're under doctor's orders to eat very small portion sizes. That's the truth, and it should get him off your back.

You can assure him that you're perfectly healthy on small portions, given that you're probably eating more frequently, and that you're being careful with your Vitamins and Water. And thank him for his concern

That's what I was thinking. I haven't gotten sleeved yet, but this has been on my mind since the beginning. But i guess if the person you're dating doesn't understand or get where you are coming from, then they are really worth your time.

And i'm keeping my surgery confidential!!! Don't need anybody judging me.

[weight_no_longer 64]

I am keeping my surgery to myself also.If that question comes up in the future all I will say is that Im a small eater. Its nobody's business but my own and it will stay that way for me.

[ouroborous 519]

I tell everyone, up front, that I've had weight loss surgery. I don't judge other people's decision to keep it to themselves, but I frankly don't understand it. It's not something to be ashamed of -- why would it be? You made a difficult, frightening, and painful decision to do something that betters your health and appearance and longevity. You've gone to a great deal of trouble, and altered your eating habits *forever* in order to be around longer and be healthier for your loved ones and yourself.

In my book, that is something to be *immensely proud* of, not ashamed of or hide.

Like I said, I'm not judging; everyone has different lives and different needs. But especially in a dating situation, I'm up front about it -- in my online dating profile (yes, I have one of those) I mention that I had weight loss surgery in May of 2010, and it was an enormous success. This gets me off the hook at restaurants, I just tell them "surgery" and smile, and they help me pick out a more VSG-friendly meal and remind me to get a to-go box.

And nobody that I have ever met has EVER made a negative or snarky comment. Nobody has EVER seemed to judge me (I can't tell what they're doing in their head, but their body language and words have been positive). Nobody has ever been anything other than supportive, and congratulatory, and sometimes curious (in fact, heavier people have often taken me aside later and asked me for more details, and confessed that they were considering it for themselves!).

Again, it's your business and your choice. But I think that we need to stop shaming people who make the important decision to get this procedure done -- it's not a failure, it's not a flaw. It's a tremendously courageous and positive step. And I don't think I'd want to date anyone who couldn't be supportive of my choice to nurture and take care of my physical self; I mean, let's face it... the kind of woman I want to be with will love my physical self as much as my mind and heart, and will want it to be healthy. So why should she judge me for taking the best steps I know of to make that physical self healthy and happy.

youknowit: I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, but you seem very connected and articulate, so I'm sure you'll meet someone amazing soon (if you haven't already!)

[catsrule =^..^= 4]

If he makes a really big deal about it or pressures you, it may be a red flag about his personality. Good luck.

OOps, just read the dates... sorry. So are you glad you had the sleeve?

[losinginNJ 92]

In the beginning (before surgery) I wasn't going to tell anyone. I wasn't sure what they would think, then for some reason the day of my surgery I just went for it and put it on Facebook. I got an outpouring of support and have been very upfront with people who ask about how I lost all the weight.

I started to see a guy, recently and I didn't tell him right away. We were getting to be close and I just came out and told him and asked if that was ok. He didn't bat an eye lash, he was like ok no worries. It actually made me feel more comfortable around him

[fatrosie 176]

When I told my new guy, it brought us closer. Turns out he had grown up watching his mom battle obesity and he was just super impressed that I took control of it at a young age. I think you should just tell him. If he doesn't love every bit of you, then he's not the right one. Try not to turn the sleeve into your "deep dark secret". Be proud of it!! You worked hard for it!

[PainInTheGlass 50]

I was talking to a new guy before having been sleeved Jun 3, 2013 and when he asked what I liked to eat, I mentioned a few types of food and followed it by saying that I didn't know what I'd be able to eat soon. His immediate reply was "Lap Band?" to which I said "No" and explained the sleeve. Turns out, he is an LPN that has a Lap Band! He has been very supportive so far and even offering suggestions (when I was having problems with the bariatric Vitamins.)

Unlike you, I haven't kept my surgery a secret--I've told all of my close friends and a good portion of my co-workers. I have only encountered a few negative remarks---all of which were pre-op expressing that I should exhaust all other avenues before resorting to surgery. Also, after surgery some of the nay-sayers have joined the bandwagon that cheers me on!