Support board blues

[claraluz 2]

OK, I'm just going to vent a little bit about bandster support boards. This one is my favorite, but doesn't seem to have a lot of members, hence I can be away for a week or two, come back and find only about 5 new threads.

I also go to Spotlight which has a lot of users, but also has a particular person on it who drives me crazy with her know-it-all, finger-pointing, black-and-white blame games. She ruins that board for me.

Any comments? Any ideas?

Nancy

[donali 57]

Recruit more of the Spotlight people over here and hope she isn't one of them?

This is my favorite board as well - I prefer the people and the format. But there's really good info on grads and smartbandsters, so I read them as well. There are a couple of annoying people over there, but for the most part I'm so saturated with reading the boards that they barely impact me anymore. lol I just scroll on by...

Good luck!

[GeezerSue 7]

Nancy,

Many, many years ago, I learned that there are four "types" who show up at a meeting:

• Type One are those who go to make sure every "i" is dotted, and every "t" is crossed.
  
• Type Twos go and are not concerned about what's going on but want to make sure that everyone is happy with the process.
  
• Type Threes hate the entire process, show up because they have to, and are convinced that nothing is being accomplished.
  
• Type Fours are those who arrive late, make splashy entrances, have minimal respect for anyone else's comfort zones, but have all the great ideas.
  

The deal is, if anyone is missing, the meeting is generally a failure. The personalities totally disagree and don't really have much respect for the others' needs (except for the second group), yet they need each other to function.

Think of the boards as meetings. It should help.

Sue

P. S.--I'm Number 4, then Number 1, with a little bit of Number 3. Who are you?

Edited to correct the description of a "Type 2."

[Alexandra 55]

Sue, there's a very important type missing from your list. What about the people who truly want to find support at a support meeting? Who think it's going to help them in their struggle? Who end up saying nothing because the types 1 - 4 are dominating the conversation? People like that are the silent majority in person and online. On the Web, at least, they can absorb the information in peace without having to listen to procedural arguments or what some Type 4 did last night.

Nancy, I'm glad you care enough about this board to create this thread. This is by far my favorite board and it would be nice if it were busier. But I'm one of those who takes a break from time to time and don't want to point any fingers at people for not speaking up. (Not that you're doing that!)

Frankly, I find it hard to open up to a support board, just as much as at a meeting. There is still a voice in my head that tells me I should only share "success" stories and that no one wants to hear about my problems. Lately I've been having a few problems, in fact, and have been telling myself that I should come here and post about them. Maybe doing so will both make me feel better and help me take another look at my behavior. But then I...well, I don't know why, exactly, but I haven't been able to talk myself into going through with it. Call me a support board chicken (SBC).

I hate boards that are busy just for the sake of being busy. No one gets points for a high post count. On the other hand, a support board needs activity to help anyone. It does take some initiative from people to start the threads that lurkers will read and respond to. Perhaps we just have to try to do a little more of that. :eek:

[donali 57]

Alexandra -

Perhaps you're not posting about your problems because you know the answers?

I know that if I KNOW the answer to the problem I have, I'm not likely to post about it, unless I'm asking HOW to accomplish the thing I know I should/shouldn't be doing.

Sometimes I know the answer, and know how, but for whatever reason am not really interested in fixing the problem yet. No point in posting about that... :eek:

If you DON'T know the answer, though, and sincerely need/want help but are reluctant to admit to whatever the problem is, you could always post on behalf of "your internet-less, anonymous friend."

Just a few thoughts...

[claraluz 2]

Touche, Sue. You're right. Secretly I'm a number three sometimes, but professionally, I'm a number 2 (a social worker).

Alexandra, I totally understand and respect your need to preserve your own privacy. I think you know what is best for you and if the time ever comes when it is right for you to be more self-disclosing, you will do so. I thank you for being one of the people on this board who can always be counted on for support. You, too, Donali! And Sue!

I'm going to do what I can to help this board grow (without trying to recruit from any other board. I remember the flaming some people got for trying to start this one). There seems to be a real ethic of positive, respectful support here with some great ideas, too. I'm not one who checks the board every day, but I might start trying to be a bit more conscietious about it. Thanks for letting me vent a little.

Nancy

[GeezerSue 7]

Alexandra,

I think that on a support board, we are all that person you described...but each in our own way. In other words, I'm here looking for support, too. But I'm way meaner than you.

Now, don't get me wrong, because I don't mean that you are clueless...what I mean is that whatever the topic and whatever the goal, you'd be pretty much a Number 2. You are so kind and so giving and you really tend to the needs of others. You would be that way, I'm betting, if we banned all talk of weight and lap bands and limited outselves to discussing Boston ferns or internal combustion engines. You're just nice, no matter what, and you want people to feel good. (For many of us, that's just not naturally a big issue. We really have to work at it.)

I'm--generally speaking--a world-class problem solver and reseacher. With no tact at all. I have anal tendencies and want things to say what they mean. Exactly. And I have no idea why I do better reading what y'all have to write, but I do. Even though I'm pretty sure I'm getting out of the "real work," when I'm hanging out here.

And I think Donali is, as usual, right on. I have MAJOR issues with weight loss. And a few complications. But I don't really want to go into detail, because I have a really good idea what's going on here. I want to read of your lives and how you are solving your issues. And I'll do that, right after my grand entrance in my pink fur cowboy hat.

Now, if you all would just utilize your Section 125 benefits, and file the bills in THIS little thingy, and calculate the net cost of participating in your 401k, and stop by the hotel and pick up the two-for-one dinner coupons and, yes, I'll write the letter to your landlord and yes, you'll get your deposit back...and**flinging the boa back over my houndstooth muumuu**pick up your taxes at my house because I've done them for you...see what I mean?

Sue

[GeezerSue 7]

Oh, and while I'm being a Number 4, here's something terribly clever that thought of at the right moment. (Usually, there's a delay between the event and thinking of the right thing to say.) DH and I went out to dinner at a seafood place I wanted to visit. Rather than HIS favorite seafood place.

Me: What did you thinK?

Him: Well, I like the other place better.

Me: Too bad.

Him: Why?

Me: Cuz the other place is dinner and this place is foreplay.

Him: But it IS starting to grow on me.

[Vera 7]

Amen! I love all of you!!!

Thanks for so Much Support

[nightingale2u 42]

Wow... now reading all of that was quite and earfull!

I am new around town but I can tell you that I feel extremely comfortable at this site and have garnished much of the information I was looking for. I think the fact that this site is not as hugely busy as Spotlight is why I feel comfortable. I like being able to really get to know othe members. It's probably because I am a country girl at heart.... the big city gives me hives!

I do spread the word about this site because I truely think it is awesome and I hope that it never turns into a Spotlight type site. LapBandTalk seem JUUUUUUSSSST right to me!

Alexandra... It's so funny... I do the same thing here and save my woes for my private journaling or other less populated sites...I have asked myslef frequently why I do that???? I think it comes from years of just being happy if another person liked me... it's almost taboo for a heavy person to be anything but happy...jolly and funny. I like it so much hear that I just don't want to bug everybody with my probs. and by gosh... I should be able to solve them for myself shouldn't I???

Sue... I don't feel that I fit into any of those catagories... I'm always early... quiet as a mouse unless you ply me with alcohol or I know everyone REALLY well... endure the process because I know it usually amounts to some level of success... am considerate of others and their ideas and personal space but really would like the same in return... I dunno... what the heck number does that make me????

Anyhoo... it is just my opinion... but I think this site is great just the way it is . (o: I think if there is a site that one likes because of the increased number of members... just ignore the posts by the person that bugs ya. Nobody can irritate you if you choose not to let them. Just my two cents...

Darcy

[Alexandra 55]

Perhaps you're not posting about your problems because you know the answers?

Hmmmm, could be... :eek:

I know that if I KNOW the answer to the problem I have, I'm not likely to post about it, unless I'm asking HOW to accomplish the thing I know I should/shouldn't be doing.

Sounds familiar...

Sometimes I know the answer, and know how, but for whatever reason am not really interested in fixing the problem yet. No point in posting about that...

Yeppers!! Donali, you sure have my number.

Sue, on the other hand: You're just nice, no matter what, and you want people to feel good.

LOL!! I'm not that nice, really. But IMO message boards are places where it's so easy for things to spiral out of control, that it's really important that our words be measured carefully. So I guess I do come across online as being really nice. It's all an act, I swear.

Darcy, you make a good point about it being taboo for us to be anything but happy in public. Now the question is, for me, does this count as "public"? It must not, because I've posted my weight here and that's been the most closely guarded secret since the location of the Holy Grail. Can I come here and vent about why I sabotage myself? Why I fear getting thinner? Why I can't stop taking that one last bite that I know is one too many?

I know the answer is yes, so my question to myself is why don't I?

[Bright 9]

God, reading Nancy's thread, I felt SO guilty - I read all the new posts on this board every night but contribute less and less lately - I know it's really selfish but most of the "posters" seem new recently, the same ol' questions are coming up.... and I am just too damn lazy to answer them all as diligently as Alexandra does (I dunno how u keep it up Alexandra :kiss ). I sometimes think we should have a mandatory "read all the old posts" line written somewhere in big red letters, but in fairness, many of the other forums do request this, and I always found them so daunting and unwelcoming when tentatively starting to ask questions. I guess Sue, I'm another type of person NOT on your list - I am the absolute WORST type of person at a meeting - there to glean all the info I can, and hope to god someone else offers to do the photocopying/coffee making/fund raising !!!! Are you getting just how VILE I am? I tell myself my lack of contribution is due to the fact that I am Different - ie Living in Ireland, with a 10cc band filled to 4cc during surgery, 6 months banded, never had a fill, still one episode to go in Sex and The City - you see, COMPLETELY alien over here!!!) I do agree with you tho, the more people, however different, make the "meeting" work hence contradicting my crappy excuse, and hereby promise to contribute more here. It definitely is the best forum, I can't really do the Yahoo ones, as I can never find the start of the threads :squareeye. I read the Spotlight posts a lot but have to say, 'cept for our Jennye over there, I have never felt very welcome - and Ms Know-It-All revels in her throne a bit too much for my liking....!

anyway, great thread Nancy - I'll make sure I'm "here" more....

(editted to read intelligently!)

[Graceful One 4]

Oh Bright how I love you...mentioned little old me!

I agree with you though...I need to start participating more again...sometimes I'm just so damn tired though...and it's true you see the same questions over and over but how fortunate I was that someone answered all my newbie questiosn...and still continue too!

I'm struggling now with my unfill which was too much of an unfill and now I want more of a fill but not as much as I had to make me get the unfill...LOL...capeesh?

I like the people on spotlight but I love the format of this board so much more...so much easier to find new topics...and I cannot stand the Yahoo boards...I can never find the start of a topic!

Well anywhoo you Dublin babe...you better post more!

[Laura W 0]

Hello from one of the Newbies! Gotta defend myself and the others... sometimes reading the old posts are daunting and after reading 1038463 posts, things tend to blur and you realize there is a hole in the back of your head that let everything leak out!! :eek: Then there is the 'old' information that is no longer valid, but we newbies don't know about that? An example is that I don't buy used car seats for my grandson because I don't know if it's one that is suppose to be on a recall list or not. Better to get the New and Improved model .But most of all We Are Excited To Actually Be Talking To Wonderful People That Have Already Been There, Done That And Can Help Us Newbies Out! :D

As for me I've been on this one board for over 2 years and we get newbies asking for information that I've learned a long while back. Guess who doesn't answer very often?? Yep, ME. The one and only. I reckon we are excited about the new change in our life and when things calm down and it becomes a normal part of life we tend to go on to new things and don't visit as much as we use to. After all we are only humans!

[Laura W 0]

P.S. Information about the Lapband is getting around and more people are out looking up info on it so that would be the reason for more newbies! I'd rather have the band than my innards rearranged!