Finally, after so many years ....

[pnw218 14]

I can hardly believe how many doctors I have talked to, how many times I have asked for help and how many times I have been ignored. Finally, today, May 19th, 2010 - I got help .... my family got help.

After going thru a divorce back in 1991, many of my thought processes changed. For many of you here, maybe now you will understand why I am the way I am. Why I play devil's advocate. Why I am always willing to accept that there are two sides to every story. Why I believe that stories change every time they are told, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. After always being called a perfect couple, many friends and relatives couldn't believe we were getting divorced. Charlie Rich nailed it: No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. The divorce was mutual. It just wasn't working. We are still friends.

Back to today. My husband of 17 years is finally being sent to rehab. I finally had someone say that it was him, not me. I never had an issue with weight, depression or stress until after we had been married for a couple of years. I think people are often on their best behavior and at some point, they can't keep up the act any longer. He always said that he didn't have a problem with alcohol; the only problem was my attitude when he was drinking.

I could share many family gatherings, vacations, company events and just nights out at restuarants that ended poorly. Most of the time, he didn't even remember the details and never acknowledged any responsibility at all. I was always on pins and needles, never knowing how a night would go. I did not want a second divorce - I really dislike failure. However, I also did not want my children raised in that type of environment. He would be good for a long time, and then there would be several incidents. It was a constant circle. We separated in 2002 for a few months.

Fast forward to August 2008. We took a cruise in Alaska with our youngest daughter and my ex's daughter (from his second marriage who is about the same age). At dinner one night, he had too much to drink, got mad about something, got up and left the table. When the girls and I returned to the cabin, he was gone. His dinner clothes were laying on the bed, the balcony door was unlocked. I was awake almost all night - he never came back. By morning, I didn't know if he had continued drinking, gone gambling, taken off with some woman or even jumped overboard. I finally had to go to security and report him missing before we came into port. Being interrogated in a small room by their officers was not fun. After about an hour, he was located on board. He had supposedly been reading and sleeping in an empty lounge all night.

After being separated again for almost two years, we just got back together last fall. Again, he has been on his best behavior. Until recently.

Over the past 2 months, the episodes began again. After two in the past three weeks, I had enough. He had asked me to go with him to the doctor this morning to help describe some sleep issues he was having (kinda like restless leg but his whole body shaking). When he reminded me about the appointment this morning, I told him that I would still go, but I was going to bring up the alcohol issue. He is also diabetic and I felt the dr should know. I have asked drs before about his drinking and diabetes, and he has always talked his way out of it, making me sound like a bitchy wife.

For the first time, a doctor actually listened and asked him directly if he had a problem with alcohol. He didn't answer. She asked him again. He said that according to me, he did. I sat there quietly and held back the tears while she questioned him. Has he ever had a dui? yes. Has he recently driven drunk? yes. She straight out told him that she believed he does have a problem. I thought he was going to cry.

He will be evaluated at a recovery center soon and they will recommend treatment. My youngest daughter and I will also go to their family classes. I don't know if the older two kids (24 & 22, from my first marriage) will participate; will cross that bridge later.

He was very depressed after the appointment; I called our office and let them know we wouldn't be back. After a nap, he was in much better spirits and seems fine tonite. Maybe he knew he had an issue but didn't want to admit it? This way he can say that "we" made him go and he doesn't have to take responsibility yet? I dunno.

Probably like most, he is a nice guy when he isn't drinking, spoils his daughter and me - within reason : ) I am so very thankful that I had this surgery when I did, and that I feel as good as I do. If not, this could have pushed me over the edge.

I am going to remove his photos from my album for his privacy at this point. I likely won't be around too much over the next few weeks - I feel like my health is quite stable and my focus needs to be on him for awhile as well as my daughter.

I am sure there are those out there who can offer me advice or encouragement - I thank you in advance for that. If you are in my position, don't give up. Eventually someone will listen. If you are the person being told by a friend or loved one that you might have an issue, drop the attitude and get an unbiased opinion. Maybe you do and maybe you don't. One way to find out.

In the meantime, I am mentally and physically exhausted but very hopeful. And I thank God for our doctor. She is a young woman with an excellent persona. She is kind and considerate, but also says it like it is ... which is why I was so stinking scared to talk to her about my sleeve surgery! LOL She fully supported that as well. She is very proactive - not the take 2 aspirin and call me in the morning type.

I do get an email notice if someone sends a private message, so I will respond.

for now ... grazie and ciao!

Janet

[girldep 0]

Pnw, I will not offer you advice because each situation like yours is unique and private. My husband is the child of an alcoholic father and at 40 years old he prays each day for his dad to get treatment, but the likelihood of that happening is very small.Your whole family took a huge step towards healing today and from the bottom of my heart I wish you all the best. I hope for his sake and y'alls kids sake that he will recover. God bless.

[MINI-Me 196]

Thanks for sharing and best of luck as your family finds healing. You are in our thoughts.

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

Are you going to AlAnon meetings? I have heard from many people that these support groups are very helpful to the families of alcoholics. I am glad your husband is getting the help he needs. I hope things go well and your family heals.

[lmmore 0]

Well that explains alot. You might want to consider counseling to help you through this. And, as OregonDaisy said, try some Alanon meetings. Good luck.

[Itstime 0]

The first step is recognition that you have a problem and know you need help. The next is for the family to learn how to deal with the healing and new life for all of you. I wish you the best in the new direction that your family is taking.

[5150sleeve 0]

Keeping you and your family in prayer. Take care of yourself and hope for the best.

[pnw218 14]

Sorry it took me so long to respond. I do appreciate the positive comments - Immore, still re-reading yours, not sure if I am reading too much into it or not! lol??

The past couple of days have been a little crazy, as expected I guess.

Was hoping to have had the referral by today; will call the dr's office on Monday if we don't hear something in that morning. The center does offer family programs so we will participate in those as well.

I spent last fall dealing with my uncle who is a severe alcoholic with a colostomy bag and other fun things. My cousins were so burned out and frustrated that they couldn't get him in anywhere. My brother and I stepped in for awhile. It took months - you can't force them to get help and he kept talking his way past doctors and counselors. He even passed an interview with another cousin, who is a nursing placement supervisor. She said that he answered all of her questions. Uh, yes he did but did you bother to check if the answers were actually correct?? They weren't. But it was too late, he had already been released. Finally, after being found by a policeman in a parking lot in below freezing weather at 3am (his truck had been stolen and he had been assaulted) he was close enough to death that a judge finally ordered treatment. He did 90 days, got out, is drinking again, in and out of the hospital.

Fortunately, my husband's situation isn't that bad ... yet.

I did take part of the day off today. Had lunch with a friend, went to the mall for nails, hair and shopping. Had bbq for dinner : ) It was all great therapy. Now just trying to keep the daughter and dad away from each other at home. Tired of the bickering over stupid stuff.

Thank you for the private messages as well. Several shared their own personal stories and I really appreciate it. Nice to know I'm not alone.

[lmmore 0]

Sorry it took me so long to respond. I do appreciate the positive comments - Immore, still re-reading yours, not sure if I am reading too much into it or not! lol??

Nothing to read in to. Hope you work out everything with your family. Take care

[Donna4545 13]

Until they hit bottom and admist they need help, there is still a problem. I strongly suggest attending Al-Anon meetings--really and seriously. This is from experience.